Chapter 21
21
After Lijah’s sixteenth birthday, Maria had continued to make up for lost time and birthdays had become a big deal at Mor Brys. It always began with the ‘birthday balloon’. It was a tradition Lijah’s mother had started, where she’d plan something exciting for his birthday, from a day at the theme park, to tickets to see his favourite band. Maria wouldn’t just announce it, though, or hand over the gift, she’d reveal the secret by putting a tiny slip of paper inside an inflated balloon. It would be hidden amongst lots of other balloons, the number matching the number of years the birthday was marking. The three of them would then chase around trying to find the balloon with the message inside, popping it to discover the secret, but woe betide anyone who popped the wrong balloon, because that would result in a forfeit. After that, there’d be a birthday breakfast, and it was just the start of a day made special by all the things Maria did to make it so. She’d done the same for Claire every year too.
When Lijah had left home, he’d ended up spending his birthday elsewhere most of the time, but his mother would postpone the celebration until the next time he got home and go all out then. He’d never forget what she’d said to him on his last birthday.
‘You’re still my little boy, and that won’t ever change, not until the day I die.’ Neither of them had any idea just how soon that day would come, and he was so glad now that he’d always come back to celebrate his mother’s birthday, knowing that was the only gift she really wanted. Now they were working through a series of firsts, without Maria, and today was his Aunt Claire’s first birthday since his mother’s death, which meant it was down to him to somehow make it special.
‘You look worn out.’ Claire smiled at Lijah as he flopped into a chair after the birthday breakfast had been served, eaten and cleared away, but it wasn’t any of those things that had sapped his energy. It was impossible to fill the gap his mum had left behind, but he’d been determined to find joy in the day. And the truth was, even though things would never be the same, for the first time in a long time he could envisage a way of being truly happy again. When he thought what his own birthday might be like in years to come, he didn’t want to try and replicate the things his mum had done for him, because it would never be the same without her. He wanted to share the day, and every other special occasion, with someone he loved, someone he could start his own traditions with. That someone was Amy, but every time he tried to get past the wall she’d built up, she changed the subject. She seemed determined to stick to the rules she’d set out and at first he’d thought it was to make sure they were both certain this time around. Only now he was beginning to wonder if she’d been certain all along, certain that she didn’t want to be with him long term. He couldn’t blame her. His life was crazy and she’d only seen tiny hints of just how insane it could be. If she was exposed to the full extent of it, he could guarantee Amy wouldn’t want to be a part of it. Maybe this was just a way to get him out of her system once and for all, to finish off the unfinished business they’d had. It was trying to second guess Amy’s motivations that was wearing him down, but her rules meant he couldn’t even ask Claire’s advice. And he wasn’t going to be responsible for spoiling his aunt’s birthday, so he shot a grin in her direction.
‘Blowing up sixty-one balloons will wear a person out. We might just have to go for one giant hot air balloon next time.’
‘Cheeky sod.’ Claire laughed, hurling a cushion at him. ‘Although I’m not sure I want to start the tradition with Dee for her birthday; my lungs are a lot older than yours.’
‘I’ll buy you a balloon inflater for Christmas.’ Lijah tried not to feel the sharp stab of regret that his aunt’s plans for the future revolved around moving away. He’d have to go to Tenerife if he wanted to see Claire at Christmas, or on her next birthday, and they’d probably never celebrate at Mor Brys again.
‘Are you okay, Lij?’ His aunt moved to sit beside him. ‘I’m sorry the breakfast got interrupted by that call, but the estate agent was really keen to let me know my offer on the villa had been accepted.’
‘Don’t be silly, it’s great news.’ Lijah had seen the look of happiness on his aunt’s face when she’d got the call, and how excited she was to start this next phase of her life.
‘You will come and see me once I’m out there, won’t you? I’m going to miss you so much. Even though you were away a lot, your mum and I always knew you’d be home sooner or later. But without Mor Brys…’
‘Home isn’t a house, it’s the people.’ Lijah picked up one of the many scatter cushions on the sofa, some of which were emblazoned with affirmations about life and love. ‘You’ve probably got that embroidered on one of these.’
‘It’s a good job I love you.’ She threw another cushion at him, narrowly missing a vase filled with stargazer lilies, which were giving off the most amazing scent. ‘Look what you nearly made me do!’
She was smiling despite her words, and he pulled a face. ‘I’m not taking the blame for you hurling your positive affirmation cushions all over the room. They’re beautiful flowers, though.’
‘They are, but then Amy always sends something lovely. I’m so touched she still remembers my birthday, and she never missed your mum’s birthday either.’
‘Really?’ His eyebrows shot up as she nodded and he wondered not for the first time how different things might have been if he and Amy had never split up. He had to accept that he’d never know, and one thing this visit home had taught him, was that you couldn’t go back and expect everything to be exactly like it was when you left, because things never stayed the same.
‘Right then, Lij, I’d better go and get in the shower, because Dee’s going to FaceTime me and I don’t want her to see my hair looking like a bird’s nest.’
‘She’ll have to get used to that sooner or later.’ Lijah grinned again, as she whacked him with a cushion for a third time.
‘You do know you’re supposed to be nicer to your favourite aunt on her birthday, don’t you?’
‘I’m taking you on a boat trip, aren’t I? You can’t have it all.’ Lijah smiled, thinking about how excited his aunt had been when she’d discovered the surprise. He’d chartered a boat to take them down the coast, because spending time on the water had always been one of Claire’s favourite things to do.
‘I know and I’m very lucky to have a nephew like you.’ She hugged him, and he felt another twist of guilt in his gut at how long he’d gone without seeing her after his mother’s death. It was no wonder Claire had gone searching for a new life, and he only had himself to blame if there was very little room in that new life for him. Nick had been right, he’d needed to work out what he wanted. The trouble was, now that he’d worked out what he wanted, he had no idea if it was even possible to make it happen.
* * *
‘Well, my first night shift back has been very interesting, but I didn’t expect to end it wearing your spare shoes.’ Isla waggled her feet.
‘They’re so big you look like a little kid playing dress up in your mum’s high heels. Although I don’t think many kids would want to dress up in those. They might be the sort of thing a nun would wear, but my God are they comfortable, at least when they fit.’ Amy looked down at the very sensible, black slip-on shoes Isla was wearing, which were at least two sizes too big.
‘When someone is sick on your trainers, any alternative is good.’ Isla shuddered at the memory.
‘I think we should start introducing a fine system for drunks who clog up A&E, whose reward for checking them over is either abusing us or throwing up, sometimes both.’ Esther grimaced. It had been a long night for all of them, and Meg had ordered in some proper coffee and doughnuts, which had been delivered just in time for the end of their shift.
‘That’s an idea, although I’m not sure we could enforce it.’ A slow smile crept across Meg’s face. ‘Perhaps we could introduce a policy of taking the temperature of drunks with a rectal thermometer instead. That should sober them up.’
‘I think I’d rather keep coming in to work with spare shoes.’ Amy grimaced. ‘Do you think Danni and Aidan are missing all of this?’
‘From what I remember of having young babies, they’ll be dealing with plenty of projectile vomiting.’ Gary picked up one of the sticky doughnuts, all this talk of sickness clearly not putting him off. ‘Oh my God, these look delicious, where are they from?’
‘That new shop in Port Tremellien, Americana . It opens at 6a.m., which makes it perfect for an end-of-night-shift order.’ Meg picked up a doughnut, topped with what looked like maple syrup and pecans.
‘I think I’m going to have to persuade Wendy to have a doughnut stand instead of a wedding cake.’ Gary said. ‘This beats fruit cake hands down.’
‘I’m going to try one of the raspberry ones. That way I can tell myself its healthy.’ Zahir reached for a doughnut, and Amy had been about to follow suit when her mobile started to ring. It was twenty past seven in the morning and no one ever rang her that early, unless it was with news that couldn’t wait. She didn’t want that, because in Amy’s experience, news that couldn’t wait was never good. The last time she’d had a call that early it had been about her grandfather dying, and she shivered as she reached for the phone, her heart lurching when she saw the call was from Lijah.
‘Hello.’ She moved away from her friends to the far side of the staffroom as she spoke, to make sure she’d be able to hear him. But when the caller responded, it wasn’t Lijah.
‘Hi Amy, it’s Nick.’ His tone was serious and her heart had already started to race, as she tried to think what possible reason there could be for Nick using Lijah’s phone that wouldn’t bring bad news. What he said next did nothing to reassure her. ‘Is Lijah with you?’
‘No, I’m still at work. I’ve just finished a night shift and Monty is with Mum.’
‘Shit.’
‘What’s up?’ Her heart was galloping by now, and the depth of Nick’s sigh did nothing to reassure her.
‘I stayed at Dolly’s last night, but I came home early because we’re supposed to be having a call with the promoters of the Asian leg of the tour at 8a.m. They’re based in Tokyo and it was the only time that really worked for everyone. Except Lij isn’t here, and his bed doesn’t look like it’s been slept in. He left his phone here too and he never does that.’
‘He must have forgotten it when he went over for Claire’s birthday celebrations. Maybe they went on longer than expected, and he stayed over?’ She held her breath, willing Nick to thank her and say he hadn’t thought of that, but instead he sighed again.
‘I tried there. He left about ten o’clock last night, after they’d been on a boat trip and then out for dinner. Claire said he seemed fine, but I know how good Lij is at faking that he’s okay, and never more so than when he’s really struggling.’
‘Oh God, you don’t think…’ Amy clutched the phone so tightly it made her fingers hurt. Lijah had tried so hard to suppress his grief, but now he’d lifted the lid on it there was a chance it might have become overwhelming, especially with his aunt about to leave too.
‘No, I don’t think he’d do anything like that, but I’m still really worried about him. He doesn’t seem ready to go back on tour and that’s fine, we can delay as long as he likes, but I don’t think coming back here has given him the answers he thought it would. He seems a bit lost, and I don’t know how to reach him. Maria was his sounding board for so much and, without her, he doesn’t know which way to go. I think he’d give anything to be able to ask her advice one more time.’ Something clicked in Amy’s brain, in response to what Nick had said.
‘I think I might know where he is.’ She was already moving towards her locker to gather up her stuff. ‘He always used to go up to the cliffs at Dagger’s Head to watch the sunrise when he was on the cusp of a big decision. I remember going up there with him just before he decided to move to London.’
‘That’s where Maria’s ashes were scattered too, so he probably feels closest to her there.’ Nick paused and, when he spoke again, he sounded hesitant. ‘Shall I meet you at Dagger’s Head?’
‘Do you want to?’ Amy knew from experience that some people found the grief of others hard to handle, but she couldn’t imagine Nick feeling that way about Lijah.
‘I think it might be better if it was just you. He’s got it into his head that I want to push him to restart the tour, when all I really want is to know he’s okay. He’s my best friend, but we can never completely separate that from our working relationship. Whereas you and he…’ Nick hesitated again. ‘What you have is something he’s never had with anyone else, and I don’t think those feelings have changed.’
Amy might not allow herself to believe Lijah loved her, because of what it would do to her if she was wrong, but she could accept he needed her, and being needed was a role she was comfortable with. ‘I’ll go to Dagger’s Head now and I’ll let you know as soon as I find him.’
‘What if he isn’t there?’
‘He will be.’ Amy was more certain of that than she had been of anything in a long time, she just wished she was half as confident about what to say when she found him.
* * *
Amy spotted Lijah from about fifty metres away, sitting on a rock above the cliffs at Dagger’s Head and staring out to sea. She thought about calling out to him, but she wanted to just watch him for a moment. He looked like the version of Lijah she’d fallen in love with first time around, just an ordinary boy, not a household name everyone thought they knew. Except Lijah had never really been ordinary, there’d always been a magic about him and the fact he was so blissfully unaware of it had made it all the more magnetic. She was only a few feet away from him by the time she eventually spoke.
‘What are you doing up here?’ His head shot up in response to her question.
‘Thinking.’
‘What about?’
‘What to do next.’
‘What do you want to do?’ She looked at him and he held her gaze so intently for a moment that it was almost painful, but she couldn’t look away.
‘I want to sit on the sofa with you, Mum, and Claire, listening to cheesy eighties songs and the two of them arguing about whether Duran Duran or Wham! are the best.’ Lijah gave her a half smile. ‘Then I want us to sneak up to my room like we used to. I wish I’d never let what we had slip through my hands.’
‘But we did let that happen.’
‘No, I did. I shouldn’t have just accepted it when you said we should break up.’
‘You had dreams you needed to follow. You couldn’t do that in Port Kara.’ It had all made so much sense to Amy then and she’d been certain she was doing the right thing, the way she always tried so hard to do, but Lijah was shaking his head.
‘I should have told you that I couldn’t follow my dreams without you, because you were in all of them.’ Lijah’s eyes didn’t leave her face. ‘I don’t care if that’s the cheesiest line you’ve ever heard, because it’s true.’
Amy wanted to laugh and tell him it was cheesy and that all of this was just nostalgia, but she couldn’t trust herself to talk about their relationship, because she’d never be able to stick to the rules if she did. It was easier to change the subject, just like she’d done every time Lijah had tried to get her to talk about where this might be going. ‘I need to let Nick know I’ve found you and that you’re okay. You missed a call with Tokyo.’
He didn’t say anything and he was still watching her when she’d finished sending the text.
‘Why are you staring at me?’ There was an edge to her tone, the fear of him realising how she felt making her harsh.
‘Don’t you ever wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gone to London?’ His eyes were still on hers and her mouth wouldn’t seem to form the answer she wanted to give. So she found herself blurting out the truth.
‘All the time.’ His eyes widened in surprise, and she managed to recover herself a little. ‘But only since you’ve been home.’
‘Home. That’s a funny word, isn’t it?’ Lijah stood up and took a step towards her so that they were almost touching. ‘I had such an overwhelming urge to come home, but when I got here it didn’t feel like home any more. Mor Brys isn’t home without Mum, and Claire is moving away soon. Renting the cliff house didn’t help either. Nick is with me all the time, so sharing a place with him here is no different to us living anywhere else. The only time I’ve had any sense of really coming home is when I’ve been with you.’
‘I can’t be your sticking plaster, it’s not fair on me, because, because…’
‘Because what?’
‘Because I still love you.’ Amy shook her head, wishing she could stuff the words back down her throat. She wasn’t supposed to admit that, not even to herself.
‘You make that sound like the worst thing in the world.’ Lijah’s whole face seemed to change as he smiled. ‘But it’s the best thing I’ve heard, because I feel exactly the same way. I never stopped loving you either, so you’ll have to tell me again why there’s a problem.’
Amy’s breath caught in her throat and all the things she’d told herself about why this could never work seemed to desert her again, but somehow she plucked the most important reason out of the air.
‘Because you’re famous and everything has changed for you. This isn’t your life any more, but it’s still mine, it always has been. I’m not looking back at it with rose-tinted glasses, because I’m still living it and I don’t want to give it up. When this doesn’t solve all your problems, or it turns out not to be enough for you, it’ll still be my life.’ She clamped her arms to her side, desperately trying not to reach for him.
‘I’m not asking you to solve my problems or to give up the life you’ve built for yourself, all I’m asking for is a chance to prove I mean what I’m saying. What harm could it possibly do to give this another chance? A proper chance, not one that feels like we’ve both decided it’s over before it’s even begun.’ He was so close to her now that she could see the sincerity in his eyes, but somehow she still couldn’t trust he meant it.
‘You could date anyone you like, so why the hell would you choose me?’
‘I could ask you the same question.’ Lijah narrowed his eyes and she pulled a face.
‘It’s not the same for me and you know it. If you want to prove this isn’t just some trip down memory lane for you then I need to hear it.’
‘Because I love you and I’ve never felt that way about anyone else. You’re the best person I know, and I can be completely myself with you, but for some reason you still seem to like me.’ He took hold of her hand and she couldn’t remember what she’d been about to say, instead she found herself closing the gap between them and the next moment they were kissing. Anyone could have seen them, but suddenly she didn’t care. The rules had been a stupid idea that could never have protected her from getting hurt, because she’d had no chance of sticking to them. She loved Lijah and it was going to break her heart if he walked out of her life again, whether they snatched bits of time together secretly, or the whole world found out that they were seeing each other again. When she eventually stepped back from him, her cheeks were flushed, and the decision was made. Her heart had been all in from the moment Lijah had come back into her life, and now the rest of her had followed suit.
‘Do you want to come back to my place?’ It was a straightforward question, because there was no point playing games any more, and he smiled in response.
‘That’s the easiest decision I’ve had to make for a long time.’ Lijah put an arm around Amy’s waist, pulling her into his side, and she let go of a long breath as they started to walk. It might have been an easy decision for him, but she still wasn’t sure whether putting her heart on the line like this was the stupidest decision she could possibly make. She had no choice, though. Gwen had talked about not wasting the time you were given, and that the only way to live life was to give it all or nothing. So, if having nothing was the alternative, Amy might as well at least try to have it all, whatever that might end up costing her.