Chapter 13
‘Visitor!’ Trevor called on Sunday morning.
The blinds were only tilted a little and I could see the shape of someone approaching the door but couldn’t see who it was. Seconds later, the doorbell rang. I secured Trevor back in his cage and opened the door tentatively, relaxing when I saw it was Milly.
‘I’d have rung first but I realised we haven’t swapped numbers. I knew roughly where you lived so I’ve been wandering round the streets hoping to spot your car and…’ Her voice cracked and I was alarmed to see tears escaping.
‘What’s happened? Come in.’
She followed me inside and, knowing that Trevor would keep calling, ‘Visitor!’ if we went into the lounge, I led her straight to the kitchen and flicked the kettle on.
‘Sorry,’ she said, wiping her cheeks. ‘I wasn’t expecting to start crying. I came to ask whether you’d like to join me for a carvery at the pub but…’
‘But the thought of having lunch with me was too much to bear and you burst into tears?’
The joke worked its magic and Milly started laughing. ‘Not at all. It would be a pleasure.’
‘So why the tears?’
‘I drove Coral back to university yesterday – my eighth start of term drop-off and they don’t get any easier.
This one was especially hard because she’d spent most of the Christmas break in Lapland.
It felt like I got her back and moments later she was gone again.
’ She clicked her fingers to emphasise her point.
‘Goodbyes are never easy,’ I said, thinking about how tearful I’d been the day Betsy left. ‘Do you want a cuppa or would you rather head to the pub now? It’ll have just opened and tables fill quickly on a Sunday.’
‘Heading straight to the pub sounds like a plan. You’re sure I haven’t interrupted anything?’
‘A ready meal in front of the telly.’
‘Story of my life,’ she said, smiling at me.
After checking she didn’t have a fear of birds or allergy to feathers, I took Milly through to the lounge and introduced her to Trevor so they could chat while I smartened myself up. Shortly after, we set off on foot to The Fox and Rabbit.
‘I’m completely in love with Trevor,’ Milly said. ‘And how amazing is his name? There’s something about animals with human names that tickles me.’
An image of a Lakeland terrier called Will running past me on New Year’s Day sprang to mind and I pushed it aside. I needed to focus on Milly – not get lost in thoughts of Will.
‘Me too,’ I agreed. ‘Cliff chose it. We’d made a list of exotic-sounding parrot names but he looked at him and said, “He looks more like a Trevor to me.” I laughed, thinking he was taking the mickey but it did seem to suit him so Trevor it was. Do you have any pets?’
‘No. I’ve always wanted a dog but I can’t because Harry hates them.’
‘That’s a bit unfair when he’s hardly ever home.’
We walked in silence for a little way and I wondered if I might have put my foot in it by criticising her husband. I was about to apologise but Milly changed the subject, asking whether I liked living in Mallard Close.
‘Not really.’ I told her about Betsy moving out, the couple moving in next door and the incident with the flowers.
‘I’ve been feeling out of place there for a while and I’ve decided that I’m going to do something about it this year.
I’ve been doing my journal and I followed Saffy’s questions and went with my gut like she said.
Under places to see this year, I wrote down a new home and it was one of those light bulb moments.
So I’ve decided to move this year, assuming I can find somewhere I like. ’
‘Still in the area?’ Milly asked.
‘Definitely. When we moved out of town, Cliff and I originally wanted to settle in Willowdale but it didn’t work out. I like Pippinthwaite but Willowdale has my heart.’
We chatted about what we liked about both villages until we reached the pub.
Outside, I felt a twinge of apprehension.
Would it feel uncomfortable being in The Fox and Rabbit without Cliff, picturing him leaning against the bar chatting to the landlord and giving a good-natured tut if somebody had beaten us to his favourite table?
I swallowed down my nerves and followed Milly inside, but I barely recognised the place.
‘The bar’s moved!’ I exclaimed.
‘You haven’t been in recently?’ Milly asked. ‘It changed hands maybe four years back and the new owners did a major refurb. Nice, isn’t it?’
‘It’s lovely.’ Not that it hadn’t been nice before but, with such major changes, it was like being somewhere completely new and my concerns disappeared.
‘I’ve been working on my journal too,’ Milly said when we sat down at a table with our drinks.
‘It might not be an action point for this year but I am going to get a dog at some point because right at the top of my what am I going to stop doing? list is stop being married to Harry. When he comes home in a couple of weeks, I’ll be telling him I want a divorce. ’
‘Oh my gosh, Milly! That’s a big decision. Are you okay?’
‘Better than I’ve been for a long time. I’m tired, Yvonne. I’m tired of making excuses for why he’s never here, tired of being married to someone who I never see, tired of trying to make it work when it hasn’t for more years than I care to remember.’
That sounded awful. No wonder she wanted out. I felt proud of her for making that decision. It seemed journalling could do wonders for both of us.
‘How do you think he’ll react?’ I asked.
‘He’ll probably be relieved. He never wanted to get married or have a family.’
I raised my eyebrows, shocked. ‘He told you that?’
She sighed as she nodded. ‘He made it clear from the start and it was fine with me because I was feeling pretty cynical about the happy families thing at the time and…’ She shook her head. ‘I’d better start at the beginning, if that’s okay with you. I don’t want to bore you with my woes.’
My first reaction was to panic. This had the hallmark of something really personal and, if Milly opened up to me, then I’d surely need to open up to her.
But wasn’t that exactly what I’d concluded I needed to do – that leap of faith in my friends in order to move forward with my life?
My biggest fear had been rejection but if Milly wanted to share her story with me, that had to mean she felt comfortable around me which in turn meant she saw me as someone to confide in.
A friend. And that last sentence about boring me showed a vulnerability too.
Perhaps Milly also feared judgement. The nerves settled and I gave her a reassuring smile, feeling as though something had just shifted in our friendship.
‘Nothing you say could bore me, Milly. Take your time.’
There was no mistaking the relief in her smile. She needed to talk and I was here to listen and, soon, I knew she’d do the same for me.
‘Do you remember me saying how I get melancholy at New Year and I wasn’t sure why?
’ she asked. ‘Well, I do know why. Before I met Harry, I was in a long-term relationship with Rob. We got engaged and bought a house after about eighteen months together but, three years down the line, we hadn’t got round to setting a wedding date.
I didn’t think anything of it because the house needed a lot of work and we’d decided to prioritise that.
Rob took me out for a meal on New Year’s Eve and said we needed to talk about our future.
His expression was really dark and idiot here thought he was winding me up so I adopted this serious tone and told him I wholeheartedly agreed and the first point on the agenda should be setting a date for our wedding and we weren’t leaving the restaurant until we had.
I’d expected him to laugh but he didn’t and… ’
As Milly paused and took a deep breath, my heart went out to her. It was clear that whatever had happened next still hurt many years down the line.
‘…and I knew at that moment that he didn’t want to talk about our future. He wanted to talk about a future without me.’
‘Aw, Milly, that must have been horrendous.’
‘It was the most painful moment of my life. He said he was moving out and I remember staring at him, mouth open but no words coming out. You hear people talking about long-term relationships ending and them having no inkling anything was wrong and I always thought that was ridiculous. How could you possibly not know that your partner had fallen out of love with you and was about to leave? But it happened to me and, if there were signs, I missed every single one of them. I genuinely thought we were happy and would be together forever but Rob had wanted out for months.’
‘Did he say why?’
‘He’d met someone else. A colleague. He swore that nothing had happened between them and, to this day, I believe that was the truth. But she’d made it clear she was interested and would only do something about it if he was single.’
‘So she gave him an ultimatum – you or her?’
‘Effectively, and he chose her. I’ve often wondered whether it would have been easier if he had cheated on me with her because he’d at least have made an informed decision to be with her. For him to choose her over me when they hadn’t even kissed made me feel so worthless.’
Her eyes filled with tears and she blinked them back. ‘Why am I still crying over it? It was twenty-three years ago, for goodness’ sake.’
‘Because he hurt you badly and time doesn’t heal all wounds – not completely.’ I was living proof of that. Time certainly hadn’t eased any of my pain.
While Milly sipped on her drink, I asked her how long after Rob she’d met Harry.