Chapter 12 #2
Milly’s suggestion worked for me. Feeling the self-imposed pressure lifted, I collected a plain white spiralbound journal from the table before helping myself to a slice of coffee and walnut cake and a top-up of my cup of tea.
The rest of the afternoon was spent carefully writing out the questions and decorating each with washi tape and stickers.
I could easily see how Saffy lost herself in journalling for hours.
The attention to detail needed – deciding on the right items, colours and where to position them in an aesthetically pleasing way – reminded me a little of the approach to my patchwork quilts and it gave me a similar buzz.
But preparing the questions was the easy part.
Actually answering them truthfully and meaningfully was so much harder and also a little scary.
If I was going to do this properly, I needed to go deep. Was I ready for that?
At home later that afternoon, I placed my journal on the dining table before releasing Trevor from his cage.
‘It was a good meeting,’ I told him. ‘I’ve got some homework to do and it involves a lot of soul searching. It could be painful, but I think it might help me get my act together.’
‘Pretty Vonnie!’ Trevor called, making my heart leap. The one and only other time I’d heard him call me that was the day I’d seen the advert for Cake & Craft Club – a sign from Cliff when I’d been struggling. I picked up the holiday photo and gazed at his smiling face.
‘I think doing this journal could help me, but only if I’m really honest with what I write in it. Can you send me the strength to do that?’
* * *
That night I tossed and turned, thinking about Saffy’s four questions but, as I pulled on my dressing gown the following morning, I felt incredibly calm.
I knew exactly what I wanted this year and I had an overwhelming sense that writing it all down would be the first step in achieving it. And I wasn’t afraid.
I went downstairs, let Trevor out of his cage, sat down in the armchair beside him with my notepad and pen and the words flowed.
When I reached the final point, I scanned through what I’d written and could honestly say that it was the truth, straight from my heart.
I was fed up of the old Yvonne and ready to make room for the new, improved one.
The first section had been the easiest – I needed to stop doing all the things that dragged me down.
What 3 things will you STOP doing this year?
Feeling sorry for myself
Blaming the past and hiding myself away
Chasing a relationship with Marianne
The second section was harder.
What 3 things will you START doing this year?
Living
Loving
I stared at the blank third entry but I couldn’t think of anything to add. There was no point scribbling down an entry to which I wasn’t fully committed. Something might present itself later.
For the third section, I surprised myself by how quickly the answers came.
Which 3 places will you SEE this year?
A new home for me
More of the local area with my new friends
Venice
Seeing a new home for me written down, moving seemed so obvious.
I’d felt out of place in Mallard Close for a long time but I’d stayed because it was the easy option and, of course, having Betsy next door had helped.
The house itself had never captured my heart so why was I staying somewhere I didn’t love, didn’t feel welcome, didn’t want to be anymore?
The second entry about seeing more of the local area was about getting back the active life I used to have with Cliff, but with my friends from Cake & Craft Club instead. They were all on their own too. Surely they’d appreciate the occasional day trip or meal out.
As for Venice… I sighed longingly. That one took me back to Will.
I’d told him how I imagined Venice to be the most romantic place in the world and how much I longed to go there.
He’d visited with some friends and confirmed that it was as romantic as I believed and had vowed to himself that he’d return one day with someone he loved deeply.
Had he found that person? Had he taken her there? And had he thought about me?
Feeling overwhelmed by the memory of my brief but beautiful time with Will, I fixed my gaze on the final section.
Which 3 emotions do you mostly want to FEEL this year?
Love
Happiness
A sense of belonging
Picking up a red biro, I drew a love heart by the love entry and the loving one on the second section and coloured them in before turning my gaze back to Cliff’s photo.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Is this my year? Am I brave enough to try?’
I flicked through my responses once more, tears welling in my eyes.
I had to do this. I had to make it happen otherwise I’d have escaped from one prison thanks to Cliff only to trap myself in another.
These were my heart’s desires but I wasn’t going to be able to achieve them all on my own.
I was going to need support and encouragement from my four new friends, which meant letting them in.
My gut told me that they wouldn’t reject me when they knew the truth about Cliff and me, but it was still a huge leap of faith. A leap I had to take.