Chapter 20
20
DEER
Scott didn’t belong in my dinky overpriced apartment, not really. He looked out of place, like the pink floor tiles the landlord had used to replace a few of the white ones near my kitchenette sink across the way. The shiny new tiles made everything else seem worse by comparison. He circled my couch—the fluffy green mess had been new when I’d bought it but was already sagging, since it doubled as my bed.
How disgusted was he by the real me?
If Scott had any thoughts about my home, I couldn’t tell. All his attention was focused on me. When he completed the circuit around the couch and was a few feet away, he pulled something out of his pocket that glinted and caught the light from the single lamp lit in the corner that didn’t quite chase off the gloom. Dangerous shadows highlighted his face. I held my breath. The deer necklace he’d given me for Christmas dangled from his fingers.
Scott eased behind me, like he was worried I would be skittish and run away. My heart started racing, trying to kill me. I spun around, proving him right, and he was holding the necklace chain in both hands as if he’d been about to drop it over my head. He pulled the jewelry back and gave me a confused frown.
“No,” I said softly. “No. I won’t let you.”
“Why?” He swallowed hard, and the click in his throat was loud in the quiet room. Nearby the fridge kicked on, a gentle domestic hum totally at odds with the tense situation.
I rubbed my neck and could still feel the ghostly imprint of the collar of my shirt. My uncle hadn’t hurt me, but the memory was all the reminder I needed that I had to settle things with Scott before I could allow us to move on... or not. Whatever ended up happening, I had to make my feelings clear. “Why? Because you were awful! That’s boyfriend jewelry. That’s for love.”
He tucked the necklace into his pocket and stared at the tips of his shoes. “Am I not right now? Your boyfriend? Loved?” His jaw ticked as he glanced up at me like he wanted to curl his arms around me, but I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t pretend I was fine with this. I was too hurt, and he’d had too easy a time saying terrible shit. Or at least, it had seemed as if that bullshit had flowed easily. Maybe I didn’t understand what had been going on, but the pain was the same either way.
“We’ll see. I don’t know right now.” I shook my head and crossed my arms over my stomach, holding my guts in check. They wanted me to fling myself at him, too, and that wasn’t the best idea.
“Bloody hell!” He ran a hand through his blond hair, and the wince that crossed his stupid, handsome face made me feel shitty. I started to get angry with myself. This wasn’t fair. He was making me feel bad, and I was making myself feel bad, but I was pretty sure I had every right to be upset. Didn’t I?
But I had lied about my name. I’d done it to protect myself, but I wasn’t honest.
To stay on the side of sanity, I walked around and put the couch between me and Scott. “You wanted to talk.” I waved my hand at him.
“I can’t piss off Killough. You get that, right? And it’s not because I’m afraid of him,” he said in a rush, pointing at me as if I’d called him a coward. “I owe him. A fuck of a lot. Perhaps more than anyone except for my parents.”
My head felt light. “I bet a lot of people can say that. My uncle does a lot of good things. He even built a hospital as a memorial to my father. A whole hospital. I bet a ton of people are thankful for that.” I rubbed my eyes with my knuckles, refusing to break down.
He let out a strangled sound that drew my attention back to his stricken face. “It ain’t like that. I reckon you noticed Avery was missing a leg?”
“Uh, yeah?” I reached out and used the couch to hold myself up. The conversational shift hit me harder than a fist. “He doesn’t try to hide it.”
“Long story short, Avery’s ex is a psycho.” Scott’s hands were moving around as he talked in a way that didn’t normally happen, but I didn’t hate it. He seemed very human right now, broken open to the real parts that I only caught glimpses of when we were deep into role play. “Like, in business it’s fine, but on a personal level, he’s also crazy and calculating. A person is only good until they aren’t, you know?” A hysterical laugh tore out of him. “His ex is part of the Italian mafia in Oz. I did business with him because it was a good idea. At first.” He shook his head and pursed his lips. “I met Avery, and we became friends because I was often left cooling my heels at his house while Avery’s husband sorted shit that had to do with me. And Avery got me out of trouble once, you know? He pulled me out of the fire with that sub who pushed me too far. I owed him a lot for that.”
“You said long story short. This is more like long story longer,” I snarked as my face heated. What the hell did this have to do with us?
Scott grunted. “Avery’s ex got sick of him when he started developing a spine.”
Scott bared his teeth, and it wasn’t lost on me that Scott and I were having issues because I wasn’t just letting him walk all over me.
He shrugged. “I mentioned Avery’s ex wasn’t stable? He had a couple of his boys try to feed Avery to a croc. A fucking croc! And by try, I mean, they did a damned good job of it and would’ve succeeded if I hadn’t stuck my nose in. I found out what was going on and got there in time to drive off the croc that had his leg in his mouth. It was pure luck. You can’t really shoot a croc, you know. Not without a bloody big fucking gun, and all I had was a Glock. But the noise must’ve frightened it off because it dropped him, and I was able to pull Avery to safety. The leg was a fucking loss.” He swiped his palm over his mouth and stared at me with his eyes wide open, as if he was reliving the worst experience of his life. Maybe he was. My arms ached to go around him, hold him. “It was a huge fucking mess.”
Closing my eyes, I sighed, then glared. “I care about Avery. I’m really sorry to hear this.” And that was true. My gut was churning. “But what does that have to do with us ? Stop trying to distract me from the issue!”
Scott groaned, and I hated how the sad sound tightened the knot hiding low in my gut. I didn’t want to make him unhappy.
“Uh, I’m getting there,” he said, voice gravelly. “I’d done a few favors for Legend Sweeney. He’s the Irish mob boss in that part of the world. Kind of like Sloan, only he handles the Southern Hemisphere—everything in that area. I shouldn’t be telling you all this, but I am, because I want you to know you can trust me.” He dragged his hands down his cheeks. “Legend helped me get medical care for Avery and keep him under his husband’s radar. He helped us sneak out of the country. The Italians here in the US are allies with Sloan, which is not the case in Australia. There’s a bit of a ban on killing me and Avery here due to that. As I said, I owe your uncle.”
“You were literally shot!” I let out an exasperated growl, and his lips twitched toward a smile. “The night we met, you got sewed up.”
“There’s always someone dumb somewhere. Occasionally, something happens, but mostly I don’t have to worry. Sloan’s scary. No one wants to cross him.” He let out a bright laugh and that was just Scott. Nothing much got him down, and he seemed to be shaking off what had happened already, but that wasn’t me. No, bad things dug into my guts and stayed there, and it hurt to see the amusement shining in his eyes. “And that guy who hit you? Yeah, let’s say I’ve dealt with him. He won’t be coming near you again.”
I hunched forward, hands holding my sides. “What does this have to do with you apologizing for being a jerk?”
He raised his palms and patted the air in my direction, as if he was begging me to calm down, but I wasn’t shouting, I was shrinking in on myself. I was disappearing.
“The shit I said was me trying to keep the peace because Sloan could easily decide I’m too much trouble after the fuckup that happened today and this mess that tweaked his suspicions. Mob bosses are not known for their forgiving nature.” His smile wilted, and we stared at each other. “If I die, well, it is what it is, but what would that mean for you? Hell, and for Avery?” He shook his head.
“You made me feel like you didn’t care about me.” The words were quiet, but that was the whole problem. He could’ve done or said a lot of things I would’ve brushed off, but I’d had a lifetime of feeling as if I was third best or worse. I’d had a taste of what it meant to be someone’s world with Scott, and I couldn’t settle for anything less now.
“I apologized. I meant it.”
We stared at each other some more, and the tension almost choked me. He didn’t look like he was doing much better.
“Not good enough. Me not telling you my last name didn’t hurt you. I—” Fuck. I covered my face with my hands and closed my eyes. I wanted to go over and collapse against Scott.
“Until it did.” His words were cold. “Until it damned well did, Deer. You’re not totally innocent in this!”
“Fine. And you had to get back at me and hurt me?” My arms fell to my sides, and defeat settled, a heavy weight on my chest.
My heart leaped up into the back of my throat as Scott came around the couch and sank to his knees in front of me. Having his strength huddled on the floor at my feet did weird things to my insides. He took my hands and stared up at me, eyes wide and mouth in a firm line. “What I said wasn’t meant for you. What do I have to do to convince you I’m sorry?”
“Maybe what you said wasn’t something you wanted me to hear, but I did, and it was shitty.” That terrible feeling roiled in my stomach. “You made me trust you. You made me think you were a man who would take care of me, no matter what. You made me think you would never hurt me.” I blinked away tears.
He pressed his lips to my knuckles, chasing the caress across both hands.
My dick twitched, and a thick pulse of need made me furious. This wasn’t fair.
I wanted to trust him.
I wanted to lean on him.
But I needed to know my problems wouldn’t be thrown in my face later. Or worse, used to laugh about me with someone else I’d wanted to impress. Anger began to boil in my blood, a bright cleansing feeling that made my mind feel sharper than the edge of a razor.
“Love.” He pressed a kiss to the center of my palm, then the other. “No one can promise that they won’t ever hurt you. I can promise I don’t want to hurt you, that I will make every effort not to hurt you, and I can apologize if I fuck it all up. Let me make this better. Let me say I’m sorry.” He rested his chin on my hands and stared up at me.
Instead of going away, that slashing, belligerent sensation snaked through me and wrapped around my heart, making my chest tingle. It was a sick opposite to the ecstatic peace he normally gave me in the bedroom. I wouldn’t say it was an entirely bad feeling, but it made me want to do rotten things to him.
And my dick wasn’t hating this.
My semi pushed out against the front of my pants. Him on his knees, looking up at me, kissing me, caressing me softly—my body was trained to expect one thing from him when he was doing these things.
This isn’t fucking fair.
“I’m not someone who yells,” I said quietly, sliding my fingers into his hair. I used the short strands to drag his head back. He had no choice but to look me in the eye. “I don’t make a scene. At least, not when I’m angry. I don’t do loud, obnoxious things to draw everyone’s attention. Because unlike you, I honestly don’t care what anyone else thinks about us. I only care about you, and you better pay attention to me.”
It was satisfying to watch his mouth part as he gave me a short nod, and in a bizarre way it fueled the rage honing its claws on my heart. I wanted him to regret how he’d made me feel—and at the same time I never, ever wanted him to hurt the same way. It was really fucking rude.
Again, not fair. I didn’t actually want to make him feel bad. I wanted to protect him. How stupid.
“But—” I yanked his hair harder. “—I’ll be fucked if I’m going to be someone you can manipulate like your clients.” A sensation almost the same as blacking out took over and I shoved my face in his. “I see you make everyone around you laugh and eat out of the palm of your hand. Hell, I’ve literally fucking done it.” Images of a sweet apple flashed through my mind, a phantom taste on my tongue, and fueled my anger even hotter. “You put everyone at ease, and I want to feel that way with you, but to do that I have to trust you without question. You broke something between us, and if you won’t fix it, I can’t be your boyfriend.”
He nodded, his hair tugging against my fingers until I could see the pain curling down the corners of his mouth. “Let me make you feel good and ease some of these bad feelings, my love,” he whispered. “I’m not.... I’m yours. I’m at your service. It’s not manipulation between us. I want to make you happy. I never wanted to hurt you. I think I said what I did because I love you, and the fact that I was caught wrong footed hurt a hundred times as much due to it.” He rested his forehead against my hip, and I let go of his hair, smoothing the strands down where they belonged.
He nuzzled against me, and I should’ve been too pissed off to be turned on. But his breath was warm and cut directly through the cloth of my pants to dance along my skin. My dick throbbed, and I couldn’t stop the moan that spilled out of me. He moved to the outline of my dick in my pants and brushed his lips over it. I grabbed his hair again and used it to hold him in place as I ground against his face, chasing a pleasurable throb that flashed through my groin and clenched my ab muscles.
Scott opened his mouth, and the heat piercing my clothing drove me insane. I pumped my hips against him.
“Yes, Fawn. Yes, love. Make yourself feel good. Use me.” He closed his lips over my dick, putting pressure on my shaft, searching along until he found my cockhead. My knees almost buckled. The combination of everything—my anger, his earnest expression, the way his face was flushed, and his mouth on me—I’d never been harder in my life. Unlike what usually happened between us, though, I wasn’t spacey or drifting away. I was solidly in a vibrant present, and this man was on his knees for me.
To appease me.
A sick, twisted pleasure swarmed in my belly like biting bees. Good, but bad at the same time.
“Can I get you out?” he asked. His eyes had drifted shut, almost as if he couldn’t stand to see whatever expression was on my face.
Instead of answering, I shoved him back so that he was forced to put his hands out and snag my legs to stop himself from falling over on his ass. He frowned up at me as I unbuckled my belt and quickly tugged out my dick. The cockhead was hard and pinkish red, and my hands were shaking as I held myself steady. I used his hair to tilt his head back and shoved between his lips, forcing them apart.
He grunted but widened his jaw, taking me down easily. The wet heat and pressure as he sucked made my eyes roll back in my head. He tried to bob on my shaft, but I tightened my grip in his hair and held him still as I rocked my hips, forcing him to obey me in at least one way.
“Do you know how hard it was for me to believe someone actually wanted to take care of me?” I hissed at him.
He whimpered and cupped my hips with his hands, not guiding me or trying to adjust the pace, simply holding on. The shadows in the room made his eyes dark, unreadable. Some of that terrible sensation uncoiled from around my heart as he let me move as fast as I wanted. Fuck away this rage. I hit the back of his mouth, but there wasn’t a hint of protest, and I shoved my hips forward, easing into the tight squeeze of his throat.
All at once, I wished I wasn’t standing. The liquid heat that rushed through my limbs made my breath catch. I pulled back and inched in again. His eyes opened wide and he gave me the barest of nods.
I snapped forward viciously this time.
He rubbed my hips, and I started to plow his face in a way I never would’ve imagined. It felt so fucking good and frantic and necessary. I needed to explode at him somehow, and if I couldn’t yell obscenities, this was just as good—and I was carving a list of demands into his soul.
“If you’re going to be my boyfriend, I have to trust you. I have to trust that no matter what, I’m first with you,” I snarled, pumping faster, not giving a shit about the drool that leaked out of the corners of his mouth or the way his face was tinged an alarming shade of purple.
He hummed, and I wasn’t sure if he was agreeing or not, but the vibrations put me over the edge. A wordless scream left me as I unloaded down his throat. The dark joy of using his mouth and bruising his lips and making him fucking listen twisted my orgasm into something wicked and totally different from what I normally experienced. I wouldn’t say I disliked it, but it scared me. As I pulled out, he coughed, dragging air into his lungs. He stared up at me, eyes watering and snot dripping from his nose—a fucking mess I’d never witnessed.
And I’d done that to him.
Were we even? I didn’t know.
He sniffed, and I hated it. Whether or not he was upset, it reminded me of a sad sound. I bent down and wrapped my arms around his strong shoulders. “Are you okay?”
He laughed, a watery, guttural noise. “I’m fine, Fawn. Do you feel better?” The cheerful smile he flashed hit me the wrong way. I was still upset.
I stepped back, and his expression fell when I tucked myself away and zipped up my pants. I did feel better in some ways, but this wasn’t over. “You were the only person I could trust with all my shit. Maybe I didn’t tell you my last name, but I told you the important stuff. Now.. . I want to trust you, but I don’t. Figure out how to fix that because I’m not sure how you can.” I shrugged. Exhaustion rolled over me.
Scott scrambled to his feet and dragged me against his chest, which had me fuming all over again. I loved this. It felt good. But I was still so damned mad at him.
“Tell me how,” he murmured. “Anything, love.”
I shrugged. “Dunno. Please leave. I need to sleep. I’m tired.”
“Alone?” he asked, his embrace hardening around me. “Here?”
“Yeah.”
He didn’t say anything as he let me go and stepped away. He studied my face, and I’m not sure what he saw, but he left with a frown and softly closed the door behind himself. I didn’t want him to go, but I didn’t want to look at his ridiculous sad face right now, either.
I let out a growl and kicked my couch. The flowers tumbled onto the floor from where I’d tossed them earlier.
“Fuck!” No one, anywhere on the goddamned planet, had ever made me this hurt and furious.