Chapter 6 – A Sexy Hunk
Sunday – September 24, 2023
Ash
“I’m a genie,” said Tanner. And according to the lie detector app, he was telling the truth.
All I could do was laugh. “Right.” Well, maybe he wasn’t a serial killer, but he was certainly a deranged loon. And a master of lies. “I’m Tanner. And I’m a big fancy genie,” I said in a deep voice.
“Is that supposed to be me? And I didn’t say I was fat...”
“I’m Tanner,” I said. “And I have a flaming genie penis.”
“Exactly.”
Gah! Couldn’t he tell that I was making fun of his lying ass? “Tanner, we’re not idiots! Genies don’t exist!”
“Yes they do. I tried to tell you the truth before, but I don’t think you took me seriously. But I figured it was for the best that you didn’t believe me because you knowing would put us all in danger.”
“Sure,” said Chastity. “I just have one follow-up question.”
“Ask me anything. I’m an open book.”
“Where do you want Ash to stand while Dr. Lyons fucks her? Do you want her to bend over the side of the table so you can get a nice view of her tits bouncing? Or would you prefer her to bend over the end of the table so you can look into her eyes as she gets impaled by his massive cock?”
“Neither. I’m telling the truth.” He made a show of looking down at the app that clearly said he wasn’t lying.
“Then prove it,” said Chastity. “Do some genie magic.”
Ha. This should be good.
“I would, but I actually lost my magic privileges yesterday. Using magic to interfere with mortal athletic competitions is strictly forbidden. And apparently my overseer thinks that a sack race at the Emerald Oasis qualifies as a mortal athletic competition. He wasn’t pleased with my attempt to fill the blue team’s sack with bricks.”
“Well isn’t that convenient,” I said. “A magical genie who can’t do magic. Maybe it’s because magic doesn’t exist and you’re not a genie.”
“Girl, don’t pretend like you don’t believe in magic,” said Chastity. “Don’t you remember Christmas our freshman year of college? You little ho ho ho.” She gave me a wink.
“I don’t really remember it that well, but I’m pretty sure my dad gave me a $200 check. That was hardly Christmas magic.”
“Santa does exist,” said Tanner. “He’s also a genie.”
Really?! No. Of course not. This was all ridiculous. “Right,” I scoffed. “Santa’s a genie. But unlike you, he’s allowed to do magic?”
“I believe he’s currently in good standing with the council, yes. ”
I stared at him.
“Do you seriously not believe me? I’ve done so much magic for you.”
“Like what?”
“Well, for starters...the giant magical closet.”
“That could just be hasty construction.”
“Really? Have you thought about how it can possibly fit in your apartment building? The dimensions don’t make sense. And then there’s the magic bracelet I gave you at the Emerald Oasis.”
“That was tech.”
“Even the best tech isn’t advanced enough yet to change your appearance that well. And have you forgotten about your three wishes?”
“Those were hardly magic.”
“Seriously?” asked Tanner. “I snapped my fingers and pulled your sex tape out of thin air.”
“You could have already had it in your pocket.”
“And then I made cum taste like cookies.”
Holy shit. Maybe he really was a magical genie. Because Dr. Lyons’ cum had been super sweet last night. Almost as if it tasted like cookies… No. He’d probably just eaten lots of pineapple. Or maybe he was naturally blessed with sweet skeet. I shook my head. “Sure you did. And then for my third wish you had Nigel bring me some cookies. How magical.”
“I thought it was pretty magical. I mean, Nigel appeared with the cookies like two seconds after you ordered them.”
He had a good point there …
“I’m sure I’ve done more magic for you. But my memory is a little foggy after a certain somebody doinked me on the head.” He smiled at me.
Doinked! That’s exactly what I’d called it. “I admit, it does seem like you’ve been doing magic. But I don’t think I can believe it unless I see it with my own two eyes.”
“How about we taste it instead?” asked Chastity.
“Huh?”
She turned to Tanner. “Even though you can’t currently do magic, is the magic you did to make cum taste like cookies still active?”
“Yes. Ash didn’t specify a time limit, so that magic will last in perpetuity.”
“Great!” Chastity clapped her hands together. “We’ll just blow you real quick, and if your cum tastes like cookies, then we’ll have our proof.”
“Please do not touch my penis under any circumstances. We’ve already done enough damage to this office. We don’t need to burn the whole freaking building down. I can’t stress this enough. I am not joking about having a flaming genie penis.”
Chastity shrugged. “No problem. We have another source of cum.” She turned to Dr. Lyons and beckoned him over.
“Wait,” said Tanner. “I can prove it another way.”
Chastity turned back to him.
“I’ve lost my magic privileges, but I can still use magic to fulfill wishes for my master.”
Did that mean he could do magic for me? I was pretty sure I’d become his master when I rubbed his lamp. “I wish for a platter of chicken nuggets from Gochujang Palace to magically appear on this conference table.”
Tanner laughed. “I wish for that too. That sounds delicious. But unfortunately you’ve already used all three of your wishes. I need a new master to make a wish.” He looked at Chastity.
“I get to be your master?” she asked. “Hell yeah. How do I do it?”
“You have to rub my lamp.”
“I thought I wasn’t allowed to touch your magical penis?” She put magical in air quotes.
“Not my penis. Again... do not touch my penis. I’m talking about my actual genie lamp. It’s in my backpack. Back seat of my car.”
Tanner was a lunatic. But I needed a break from whatever the hell this was. “I’ll go grab it,” I said. I fished his keys out of his pocket and headed down to the sidewalk.
I wanted to get his genie lamp and see if he could actually do some magic. But I also wanted to search his car for other things. Like chainsaws and machetes and other serial killer paraphernalia. Because even though I was starting to believe him, I still didn’t trust him 100%. There was still that small chance that he’d beaten the polygraph and really was a total psycho.
I unlocked his futuristic SUV and started rummaging around. There were some freshly pressed, super colorful tuxedos in the back. Damn, he’s gonna look so good in these. I could already picture him strutting through Club Onyx in a pink and white polka dot tuxedo, giving exactly zero fucks about what people thought of him .
That was one thing about the Emerald Oasis. It had been fun and all, and Tanner had looked amazing in his swim trunks. But there was something about a man in a tuxedo…
I zipped the tuxedo bags up and turned my attention to his backpack. Inside were a few of his casual clothes, along with his golden genie lamp. Bingo . There was also a FedEx envelope with Tanner’s name on it. The return address was somewhere in Meknes, Morocco. I opened it up and pulled a letter out:
Dear Monsieur Rhodes:
Your overseer alleges that you used magic to interfere in a mortal athletic competition.
Such a use of magic a) was beyond the scope of your magical mandate, and b) puts genies at risk of discovery by the mortal population.
You are hereby summoned to Genie Headquarters for a hearing at 7:00 p.m. on Saturday, September 30 where you will have the opportunity to plead your case.
Should you fail to appear, you will automatically be given the maximum punishment as provided in section 8.3 of the Genie Penal Code: Any genie who uses his magic to interfere in a mortal athletic competition shall be stripped of their magic for one year, followed by a period of magical probation not to exceed two years.
Until your hearing, you shall have no magical powers except as required to fulfil wishes for your master.
His Mystical Highness,
Habib the Benevolen t
Well shit. Tanner was either telling the truth, or he’d really gone all out with planning this lie. There was only one way to find out for sure. I grabbed the genie lamp and headed back up to the conference room.
I tossed the lamp to Chastity.
“Whoa,” said Tanner. “Please be careful with that.”
“So how does this thing work?” asked Chastity, holding the lamp up to the selfie light and turning it over in her hands.
“Before you do anything,” said Tanner, “I should warn you that the wording of your wishes is extremely important. Just ask Ash. I’m pretty sure she wanted a mouthful of cum, but instead she wished for cookies.”
“That’s devastating,” said Chastity.
“It could have been worse. Over the years I’ve had to do some truly horrific magic thanks to carelessly worded wishes.” He shook his head like he really did have some awful memories. “When you’re ready, rub the lamp and speak your wish.”
She glanced at me and then over at Dr. Lyons in his underwear. A smile started to spread across her face.
Oh shit. I snatched the lamp out of her hands.
“Hey,” she said. “I was just about to make my wish. And it was a good one.” She winked at me.
“That’s what I’m afraid of. Let’s work together to figure out the perfect wording.”
“I already had the perfect wording. I was going to wish for Dr. Lyons cock to double in size.”
“Nope. Tanner could misconstrue that like he did my cookie wish.” Am I seriously talking like magic is real right now? “He’s a sneaky little genie. He’d probably waste your wish by making Dr. Lyons pet rooster double in size.”
“I don’t have a pet rooster,” said Dr. Lyons. “We live in the middle of New York City. But I’m with Ash. Please don’t make that wish. Some girls are already afraid of how big it is. I don’t need it to be any bigger.”
Chastity shook her head. “You’re hanging out with the wrong girls. But fine. I’ll do better.” She grabbed the lamp back from me. “I wish for a sexy hunk to magically teleport onto this conference table. His teleportation should be quite magical such that it is clear to every person present in this conference room that the teleportation was done by magic.” She rubbed the lamp.
“Excellent wish,” said Tanner. “But I can’t make it come true until you untape my hand. I have to snap my fingers to grant your wish.”
I eyed him suspiciously.
“Do you seriously still think I’m a murderer?” he asked.
“We’ll find out in a second.” I yanked on the tape holding Tanner’s hand to the phone screen.
He shook his hand out. “Everyone ready? Make sure you keep your eyes on the conference table.”
We all turned towards the table.
Tanner snapped.
The air above the table exploded into a poof of colorful smoke and bubbles. When the smoke dissipated, Nigel was standing there wearing nothing but a rubber ducky float around his waist, bright yellow floaties on his muscular arms, and a great deal of bubbles.
He screamed at the top of his lungs .
Chastity screamed too.
And then I screamed. How the fuck did Nigel just appear?! And why was it Nigel?! She’d wished for a sexy hunk.
“Nigel!” yelled Tanner. “Put some pants on. This is a place of business.”
“Oh good heavens,” said Nigel. “I seem to have gotten mixed up again. I always forget that…” He looked around. “I always forget that the floor of the tub in the baths above…your offices? Baths are in ceilings of buildings. They lead to leakages in...” He looked around again and then tried to whisper to Tanner from across the room. “Where exactly are we?”
“You don’t have to pretend anymore,” said Tanner. “They know.”
“Know? Know what? That I’m too good at making bubbles baths and the bubbles get so heavy that I fall right through the ceiling onto a conference table?”
“They know that I’m a genie.”
Nigel gasped. “But Master… What about DODO?!”
“We’ll get to that later. They’re still processing the fact that I’m a genie.”
“Holy shit,” I muttered. “You really are a fucking genie!” This was insane.
“So you finally believe me?” asked Tanner. “God, it actually feels so good to get to share my secret with someone. But you all have to swear that this information doesn’t leave this room. Nigel’s right, DODO is no joke.”
“Wait. DODO is real?” If they were…that meant that he really had been kidnapped. Which meant he wasn’t a total ass. Score !
“Yes. The Department of Djinn Oversight. They really got nasty in the 60s after I tried to kill the sultan and overthrow the genie council.”
“The 60s? You were alive in 1960?”
“Yes. But I was referring to 1760.”
“For real? How old are you?”
“Almost 343. But I was 28 when I got turned into a genie, so my age kinda got frozen. Anyway, that’s not important. What’s important is that after my assassination attempt, the sultan instructed DODO to hunt rogue genies down using any means necessary. They have agents all over the world looking for signs of magic.”
“They’re everywhere,” whispered Nigel.
“They’re not everywhere. But we do have to move every decade or so to make sure they don’t find us.”
“But didn’t they already find you?” I asked.
“One agent did, yes. But the genie council decided that my current predicament is worse than any magical torture they could conjure for me.”
“And what is your current predicament?”
“I love you, Ash. But until I can help 1001 women find love, I’m stuck as an immortal genie with a flaming genie penis. So instead of being with you, I’ll be forced to watch you get old and die.”
Dr. Lyons cleared his throat. “I think I’m going to get going.” He gathered his pants off the floor and walked towards the door.
“Um, Anthony?” asked Tanner.
“Yeah?”
“Can you please not tell anyone about this? ”
“I definitely won’t be telling anyone about anything that happened today,” he said.
“Thanks, man,” said Tanner. “Nigel, could you please give me and Ash a moment alone?”
“Of course, Master.” Nigel jumped off the conference table and hoisted Chastity over his very soapy shoulder.
“Ah!” squealed Chastity. “Put me down!”
“But Master Tanner and Mistress Ash need to have a romantic moment alone.” He carried her out of the room and shut the door behind them.
I stared at Tanner. I had no idea what to say to him. During the interrogation he’d said he loved me. But that was before Chastity told him about what I’d done with Dr. Lyons.
It was tempting to just make small talk about the weather or something. But as much as it terrified me to have an honest conversation with him, it was well overdue. I needed answers. And what better time to get answers than when he was tied up and at my mercy.
“Lovely weather tonight, eh?” Gah! I’d just told myself I wouldn’t make small talk!
“Righto, mate,” he said with a laugh.
God I loved him. No. Yes. Ah! “So…” I said, looking anywhere but at his face. I took a deep breath. I could do this. “You love me?”
“I do. And I’d love you even more if you’d untape the rest of me.” He strained against the duct tape and made the chair hop towards me.
I walked over and started unwrapping the duct tape. “If you love me, why do you keep running away? ”
“I ran away at the Emerald Oasis because I saw Kat. And I wanted to make sure I got those photos for you.” He paused. “And a part of me was scared.” He winced, like saying it out loud hurt him.
Or maybe he winced because I’d so forcefully pulled off a strand of duct tape. But finally, the truth!
“I want to be with you, Ash. But I’m cursed.”
“Just because you have a flaming genie penis doesn’t mean we can’t be together.”
“It’s not just that. You’d be giving up your whole life to be with me. You wouldn’t have any children. You wouldn’t be a mother. You’d have to move around and change your name with me so no one would catch on to the fact that I’m a genie. We couldn’t grow old together . Time is stopped for me, but it’s not for you. I’d have to watch you die of old age…” He shook his head. “That would destroy me. And I’d never be able to escape this immortal hell.”
I tore a piece of duct tape off of him harder than I meant to.
“Ow,” he muttered.
“Sorry.” And I was. I couldn’t imagine how lonely his life must be. I’d get older and older and he’d just be watching me slowly die. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of that. And forcing him to deal with that for all eternity… Wait a second. Would he really have to deal with it for all eternity? “You said you’re cursed until you help 1001 women find love. Does that mean the curse will be broken once you do?”
“Yes.”
“And you’ll be mortal again?”
“Yes. ”
“With a normal penis?”
“I mean…I don’t think anyone would call my gigantic penis normal.” He gave me a sly smile.
“You know what I meant.”
“My penis will be safe for you to enjoy.”
Oh thank God! “So how many women have you helped find love so far? If you’ve been at this for three centuries, you must be getting close to 1001.”
“Uh…421.”
“Are you for real? That’s like one a year, dude. At that rate you’ll be free in like 600 years.”
“I think it will actually be quite a bit faster. 200 of those matches have come in the last 8 years.”
So…25 a year? And he needs 580 more? I did some fast math. “That’s still gonna take 23 years.”
“It is. And I can’t ask you to wait that long. You’d be wasting the best years of your life with me. No sex. No real future. You’d be such a great mom, Ash.”
I swallowed hard. Did he really think I’d be a good mom? I wasn’t even sure if I would be. But I’d always imagined having the perfect little family - me, my husband, and two little goblins. I could picture it so well. We’d have a beautiful home on a perfect cul-de-sac. Kind of like Cole’s house, only I hoped all the men in my house wouldn’t be nearly as perverted as Cole and his pa.
Actually, I pictured raising my kids a lot like how my parents raised me and Rosalie. Almost like a do-over. Where one of us didn’t disappear. I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I’d protect my children fiercely. I’d never let anything bad happen to them. I wanted another chance to keep my family together .
“Are you willing to give all that up for me?” asked Tanner.
I stopped pulling on the duct tape and looked at him. Really looked at him. And I knew. Because I didn’t want to look away. My eyes always gravitated to him. He was it for me. Cole and Dr. Lyons and the sausage king were all intriguing. I’d had a magical night dancing with Cole at Kat’s party. But he wasn’t Tanner. Cole was cocky, but he didn’t have the pure confidence required to wear a pink and white polka dot tuxedo. He wasn’t my soul mate. But Tanner? He was. And together, we’d figure it all out.
“Yes,” I said. “Yes, I am willing to give that all up for you.”
“You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I love you.” He shook his head. “Which is why I can’t let you give all that up for me. You need to get out there and find your true love.”
“So what we have isn’t true love?”
“No, I believe it is. But it doesn’t mean you can’t find true love with someone else.”
“Bullshit. Everyone only has one true love. And you’re mine.”
“Well we can’t have sex, so there’s no way to be sure.”
“Huh?”
“That’s how it works.”
“True love isn’t all about sex, you weirdo. True love is about conversations and snuggles and binging TV together.”
“Maybe so. But my genie lamp only registers true love when I get someone to hook up with their soul mate.”
“Well I don’t need your lamp to tell me when I’ve found true love. Because I know I’ve found it.” It felt like my heart was beating in my throat. “With you.”
Tanner smiled at me. I’d never seen anyone look so happy.
“What?” I asked.
“It’s just been a really long time since I thought a girl would want to be with me. Especially with my curse.”
“Well, I do. And I have some other good news, too.”
“You do?”
“Well…maybe. Let me get this right. All you have to do is get two people to hook up, and if they’re soul mates, then what happens?” So freaking weird. Genies were perverts.
“If it’s true love, the women’s last name appears on my lamp.”
“And you’ve seriously only made 421 matches so far?”
“Yes.”
“Dude, you totally suck at match making. But luckily for you, I don’t. And I’m going to help you. There’s no way it’s going to take us 23 years to break this curse. More like 23 days.”
Tanner laughed. “It’s harder than it sounds.”
“Only because you’re a guy. Have you ever heard about some nosy house husband meddling in all the neighbor’s business trying to set everyone up? ”
“Yes. You should have seen Nigel in the 50s. With his polka dot shirts and ironing boards and Jell-O salads. He was a menace to the neighborhood.”
“Ew. What? No. It’s always a woman. Because women are good at this sorta stuff. We understand love. Guys just understand boobs.”
“I beg your pardon. I’m very proud of the 421 couples that I’ve helped find true love.”
“So you don’t want my help?” I ripped the final pieces of tape off his ankles.
He stood up and stretched his back. “No, I definitely want your help.”
“Good, because I’m helping you whether you want me to or not. Now let’s go get started…we have couples to match!”