Chapter 7 - The Most Romantic Death Trap
Sunday – September 24, 2023
Ash
“So where do we start?” I asked as Tanner continued to stretch out the kinks in his body. Apparently being duct taped to a chair hadn’t been the most comfortable thing.
“First we get some dinner,” he said. “Still wishing for some Gochujang Palace?”
“Abso-frickin-lutely.” All this murder nonsense had given me quite an appetite.
“Nuggets or nachos?”
“Hmm…nuggets. With the broccoli.”
“Of course. What kind of monster would order anything else?” He pulled out his phone and placed the order while I flicked the lights back on. The room immediately transformed from a scary interrogation dungeon back into the overly bright, modern conference room of BIMG. “It’ll be ready in twenty minutes. Just enough time for us to pick it up on the way back to my place.”
His place? I’d never been to his real apartment in One57. I’d only been to his weird second apartment below Club Onyx, and that was just once during my first Society date.
Going to his place felt like a big deal. Especially after the conversation we’d just had. Every time the word love had come up between us in the past Tanner had bolted at the first chance he got. But this time he wasn’t running at all. He was doing the exact opposite. He was staying put. With me.
Finally!
This was officially the best night ever!
…Until I walked out of the conference room and saw the utter destruction we’d caused.
“No, not there,” said Chastity. “Put that down. Do you not know what a cubicle looks like?” She sounded exasperated.
“I’m not making a cubicle,” replied Nigel, who had changed into the most ill-fitting suit jacket I’d ever seen in my life. He must have found it on the back of someone’s chair, because it was super tight on his arms and chest and about a foot too long. It nearly reached to his knees, which was probably a good thing, because I was pretty sure Nigel was full nude under it. “I’m recreating the fax center.”
“What the hell is a fax center?” asked Chastity.
“The fax center is the beating heart of every office. Now, where are all your fax machines?”
“We don’t have any.”
Nigel shook his head in disbelief. “Surely you jest.” He lifted his rubber ducky float off the floor and looked under it. But all he found was a very soggy sheet of paper. He tossed the float across the room.
“I’m not jesting. Why would we have multiple fax machines when not even one is necessary?”
“Fax machines are how all the biggest business deals are done! Is this an office or a barnyard?”
Honestly, after the battle royale earlier, it kind of looked like a mix between the two .
I looked up at Tanner. “I’m definitely gonna get fired, right?”
“Na. Nigel has got it handled.”
“Does he? Because I’m pretty sure this place looks even worse than before.” I pointed to some cubicle walls that had been broken in half and stapled together in a short rectangle. “Did he turn that cubicle into a bathtub?”
Tanner tilted his head. “Why yes, I believe he did.”
“I think we better help them.” I started to kneel down to gather some papers off the ground, but Tanner stopped me.
“Really, Nigel will handle it. And we don’t want our food to get cold.” He put his arm out for me and guided me through the mess of the office. I felt bad not stopping to tell Chastity all about Tanner confessing his love for me and us basically being an item now. But she was a bit predisposed with Nigel...
“NIGEL!” yelled Chastity as we waited for the elevator. “Put me down!”
“Not until you take me to the fax center,” he replied. “It must be around here somewhere…” He started running towards our supply closet with Chastity over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
“What’s his obsession with fax machines?” I asked. “Is he stuck in the 80s?”
Tanner pulled me onto the elevator. “Technologically, yes. It’s a sad story, really. The poor lad had always been on the cutting edge of technology. And he’d never thrived more than he did when he got his hands on his first fax machine. He quickly grew Odegaard from a small costume shop into a global fashion label. But when the internet became a thing in the 90s, Nigel and I were in Russia buying up every factory the government would agree to sell us. It was all done using old soviet tech. And then we went straight to Kolkata. And the only tech Nigel used there was a hand-operated rickshaw.”
What in the world? There was so much to unpack there. “I have so many questions.”
“Fire away.”
“First off…is Nigel a genie too?” Tanner had mentioned the young lad being alive in the 50s…
“Yes.”
“Makes sense. Second question - why did we just walk past your car?”
“I prefer to walk. Or take a carriage. Motor cars aren’t really for me. Nigel will grab it once he’s finished at the office.”
“Okay. Um…” My head was spinning. “So you really started Odegaard? And you bought a bunch of Russian factories in the 90s? Are you an oligarch?” I stared at him. He’d been alive for 343 years. He must have a bajillion amazing stories. And I needed to hear them all.
“Yup, I started Odegaard. And yup, I was a Russian oligarch. I’d never seen such great deals on factories before.”
“But aren’t the oligarchs all in trouble now that Russia’s being naughty? Isn’t the government going to take all your yachts and freeze all your assets?”
Tanner shrugged. “They would if they knew who I was. But Nigel created quite a tangle of LLCs when we moved back to New York. And he did it all via fax, so the paper trail is a total mess.”
“Speaking of Nigel, what the hell was Nigel doing operating rickshaws in Kolkata if you guys had millions of dollars?”
“Trillions of rubles, actually.” He opened the door to the Gochujang Palace and held it open for me. “And we went to Kolkata because of the movie Hitch . Seeing Hitch’s expert matchmaking got me thinking that maybe I could break my curse after all. So I started doing research about matchmaking, and I realized that Indians are expert matchmakers. Their arranged marriages have extremely high success rates. I needed to figure out why.”
“And what’d you find out?”
“Eh, not much. But it was fun watching Nigel ask Indian couples invasive questions about their sex lives while giving them rides on his rickshaw through the busy streets of Kolkata.” Tanner grabbed our takeout and said something in Korean to the guy at the counter. Or at least, I assumed it was Korean.
“Did you just speak Korean?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“When did you learn Korean? Wait, how many languages do you speak?”
“Oh geez. I don’t know. Let’s see… English, obviously. Bengali, Russian, German, Ital…”
“Whoa whoa whoa.” Oh no. Tanner spoke German. And he’d definitely been alive during World War 2. “What side were you on during World War 2? Please tell me you weren’t a nazi. ”
Tanner laughed. “I was definitely not a nazi. I actually spent World War 2 in DC. It was a goldmine for matchmaking. All the girls were so horny for the troops coming home. At the end of the war I threw one ice cream social and got like 20 matches in a single night. It was incredible.”
“Well damn. Let’s just start World War 3 and you’ll be free in no time. Booya. Problem solved.” I dropped an imaginary mic.
“After seeing the horrors of World War 1 firsthand, I don’t think I can get on board with that plan.”
“The horrors?” I asked. “As in…seeing Nazi Germany lose?” I needed to be doubly sure he wasn’t a nazi.
“No. Germany wasn’t even run by nazis during World War 1. I was talking about the death and destruction.”
“Right. Just making sure…” I eyed him suspiciously. “So you fought for the Americans in World War I?”
“No.”
“Aha! I knew you were a nazi!”
Tanner laughed. “Again, nazis weren’t a thing during World War 1. And I didn’t fight for the Germans. I fought for the British.”
Oh thank God.
“Actually, I didn’t fight much. Nigel and I specialized in logistics. But we still had to go into the trenches to deliver supplies. Horrible place…” He shivered.
“Was that the worst war you fought in? WAIT! Who did you fight for during the civil war?”
“The confederacy, of course. I wasn’t going to let those fuckers up north take away my slaves. ”
I stopped short and stared at him in horror. Oh no. I’m dating a monster!
And then he burst out laughing. “I’m joking. I fought for the North.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Mhm. Sure you did.” He did play fast and loose with the term master…
“I did fight for the North. I was the captain of a company of specially trained Union samurai.”
“Dude, at least make the lie believable.”
“Ever heard of the Battle of Shiloh? Where a bunch of the soldiers’ wounds glowed blue and the majority of them survived the night? That was my genie magic.”
I did vaguely remember hearing about that at some point. Maybe he was telling the truth…
“I have my war medals back at my apartment. I’ll show them to you in a minute.”
Okay, that seems legit.
I had to pinch myself as I walked into the lobby of One57 hand-in-hand with Tanner. Five months ago I’d creeped outside of this very building every Tuesday and Thursday just hoping to catch a glimpse of my stalker. Now he was my freaking boyfriend!
I’d never been happier. And the grin on my face had never been bigger.
But I still had questions…
“What about the War of 1812?” I asked as we stepped onto the elevator.
“What about it?” asked Tanner. He pushed the button for floor 89. There were no higher numbers available.
“Who did you fight for? ”
“Who cares?”
“Fair point. What about the French Revolution?”
“I didn’t fight in it. But…” He gave a long pause. Too long of a pause…
“Oh God. Was Nigel Napoleon?”
Tanner laughed. “No. But he was fucking Marie Antoinette.”
“What?! For real?”
“Welcome to my home,” said Tanner as the doors slid open. He took my hand and guided me out onto a…bridge?
Yup. Instead of opening to a lobby, there was a legit bridge that spanned the distance between the elevator and a pair of heavy metal doors. Water gently swished six feet below the bridge.
“Do you seriously have a moat around your penthouse?” I asked.
“I do. Complete with flesh-eating piranhas.”
“For real?” I leaned over the railing to get a better look. I couldn’t tell if they were really piranhas, but there were definitely fish swimming around. “But we’re on the 89 th floor of a skyscraper. How is it even possible to have a moat up here? Wait, duh. Magic.” I shook my head. I was still trying to wrap my head around how crazy this all was.
“No,” said Tanner. “What’s magical about a fish tank with a bridge over it? Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Well how should I know that?! This is all insane!”
He smiled at me. “I’m just messing with you. It could easily have been magic. But in this case, my downstairs neighbor just happened to have a gigantic fish tank. So I figured why not let it double as a moat? You can never be too careful when DODO is sniffing around. Especially now that two people know my secret.”
“You mean three. Me, Chastity, and Dr. Lyons.”
“Right. But as soon as I trigger my security system, this bridge is gonna tip to the side and dump you right into that tank of hungry piranhas…” He reached for a switch on the wall.
“AH!” I screamed and jumped off the bridge to safety. “HELP!!!”
He grabbed me in his strong arms to prevent me from escaping to the elevator.
Fuck! Fuck shit fuck balls! “Get off of me, murderer! I should have trusted my gut and let you rot in prison for the rest of your eternal genie life!”
Tanner laughed. “Ash, I’m joking. I would never dump you into my piranha tank. Or hurt you.”
“Then what does that big death switch do?!”
He flipped the switch. Hundreds of little ball lights strung above the bridge lit up. And the water was filled with swirls of colors. It was the most romantic death trap I’d ever seen. “I wanted to give you a proper welcome to your future home.” He swept me off my feet and carried me across the bridge.
When we got to the door a little piece of the wall slid away. A red beam scanned his face and then the heavy metal front doors slid open.
Holy shit.
It wasn’t the blue-veined white marble floors that surprised me. Or the polished onyx trim on the staircases spiraling around the grand, two-story foyer. And I was totally expecting the huge chandelier .
No…what really surprised me was the statue in the foyer of Tanner as a Greek hero standing triumphantly over the body of a slain dragon.
I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What?” asked Tanner as he set me down.
“You have a statue of yourself slaying a dragon. That’s like…the most extra thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Ew, don’t talk about yourself like that. But yeah,” I said and smiled up at him. “You’re not so rough on the eyes.”
He laughed. “I was more talking about the artistic nature of it. Honestly, Rodin didn’t quite capture my essence. Made my bulge too small.”
My eyes gravitated to the crotch of the statue. His naughty bits were covered by a cloth skirt, but there was still a pretty impressive bulge. If the real thing was bigger than that, then I was in for a treat. But not until I helped him break his curse.
Which reminded me…there was work to do. And food to eat.
“Where’s the kitchen?” I asked, holding up the takeout bag.
He pointed through an archway on the far side of the foyer. “Right through there. I’m gonna go change, but I’ll be right back.” He gave me a quick kiss and then ran up the stairs.
I walked through the archway and into the kitchen. It was attached to a massive great room with a sweeping view of Central Park. I’d never seen such a beautiful view of the city before. For a few seconds, I just stared .
I thought I heard a noise, but when I spun around, Tanner wasn’t there. Just his beautiful kitchen. I set the takeout bags down on the granite countertop and started searching the kitchen for some plates and utensils. But with how many cabinets there were, it felt like a freaking treasure hunt. One was filled with pots and pans. Another was a baker’s paradise - flour, powdered sugar, bread pans, cake pans, sprinkles... And on my third try I opened the fridge. The fridge! What was it doing disguised as a cabinet?
“Where are your plates?” I called into the cavernous great room.
“One sec,” yelled Tanner, but by the time his voice reached me it was little more than a whisper.
How big is this place?
After checking all the uppers, I tried the floor length cabinet next to the double ovens. I’d thought the secret refrigerator would be the most ridiculous part of the kitchen. But nope…I was wrong. Because this cabinet was actually a secret entrance to a spiral staircase.
What the hell is down here? I leaned in and peered down the staircase. It was pretty dark, but I thought I could see some shelves of wine.
Eh, I wouldn’t mind a glass of wine.
And I really wanted to explore. I looked over my shoulder, but Tanner was still missing. It was his fault that I was snooping. He hadn’t given me a proper tour.
The temperature dropped a good ten degrees as I descended the spiral staircase into a wine cellar that would not at all have been out of place in a Tuscan vineyard. It was so authentic that for a second I even thought I heard people in the distance speaking Italian.
I scanned the walls in hopes of finding a box of my favorite Deep Red Blend, but of course there were no $14.99 boxes of wine here. It was all bottles and casks. I couldn’t imagine what he needed full casks of wine for, or how he had gotten them up here, but whatever. Having casks of wine wasn’t nearly as extra as his dragon slaying statue.
What goes well with gochujang chicken nuggets? I was pretty sure white wine was supposed to be paired with chicken, so I grabbed a bottle of white and headed back up to the kitchen to continue my search for plates and utensils. Eventually I found them both and started plating.
I was halfway done scooping out the rice when Tanner wrapped his arms around me from behind.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Plating dinner,” I said.
“I can see that.” His breath was hot on my neck.
“I know it’s weird to put takeout on real plates. But if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. I mean, do you really want to eat out of something that was just manhandled by some rando? If some dude came in here and touched all your plates, you’d wash them before using them. So the same principle applies to…”
“You don’t have to convince me,” said Tanner. “I’m not a barbarian - I would never eat takeout out of the container when perfectly good plates are available.”
Was he serious right now?! Yeah, I’d definitely found my soul mate. “Then why’d you ask what I was doing? ”
“Because that bottle of wine you chose is worth $15,000.”
“Oh…”
“I’m joking. That vintage is only like $1000. But seriously, don’t plate the food yet. I don’t want it to get cold.”
“Huh? That doesn’t make sense…”
In one motion, Tanner spun me and hoisted me onto the counter. His lips were on mine in a second. He grabbed my ass and slid me to the edge of the counter, my legs spreading as his torso pressed against mine. My skirt definitely would have torn if it wasn’t so short. Instead, it just rode up even higher.
“Aren’t you hungry?” I was somehow able to say between kisses.
“I’m only hungry for you,” he said against my lips, his hands expertly undoing the buttons on my blouse.
Screw the food. I reached out and fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, but I was too distracted by the kiss to make any real progress. I only had one of his buttons undone when he yanked my blouse open and pulled it off my shoulders. He balled it up and chucked it across the kitchen. My bra was next to go. He threw that too, but one of the straps caught on the wine bottle.
He bit my lower lip softly and then started trailing kisses down my neck. Across my collarbone. Onto my breasts.
Fuck that feels good.
His lips brushed against my nipple ever so softly. And then he took it in his teeth .
“Oh God,” I moaned, running my hand along the shaved sides of his head. Then I grabbed a fistful of his longer hair and pushed him downwards.
“Greedy girl,” he said, his muscular frame easily resisting my push.
“Please,” I moaned. Is this really happening?! I’d thought that his flaming genie penis meant no sexy time at all. But that was just because Joe had never used his tongue for anything but lies. Now I was with a real man.
He swirled his tongue around my nipple and then continued his descent down my torso. His stubble tickled my stomach as he went.
I gripped the edge of the counter and thrust towards him. Please. Please.
He put his hands on my knees and spread my legs wide before tracing his fingers up my thighs and under my skirt. I lifted my ass slightly to help him slide my thong over my ass and down my legs. I tried to kick it off, but it got caught on one of my heels.
I didn’t care one bit. He was inches away from giving me what I craved.
“Yes,” I said. I grabbed his head and pulled him towards me.
And then, with a poof of smoke, he disappeared.