Chapter 12 - A Man Cannot Scream When His Mouth is Full of Sausage
Monday – September 25, 2023
Ash
This was it. As the elevator ascended to the roof, I could see exactly what was about to happen.
Mr. Frost would ask me for a blowjob.
I’d say no.
He’d fire me.
The end. My time at BIMG would be over, and I’d officially be unemployed. Which really, really sucked. Because I loved my job. Even Mr. Frost hadn’t totally ruined it for me with his stupid binders, which was a testament to just how good of a fit it was. I was freaking born for this job.
God, Mr. Frost is such an asshole. I couldn’t believe that he was actually trying to get a blowjob out of all this. Why me?! Chastity totally would have been down to blow him to save our jobs. Or if she wasn’t into him, she’d just record it and then blackmail the company into giving her a promotion. She’d definitely gotten at least one promotion that way. Maybe more.
Wait a second! I could totally do exactly that.
I pulled out my phone and searched for a voice recorder app. There were tons, but I didn’t have time to be a discerning shopper. I clicked on the first one and started the download .
I kept glancing between the floor counter and the download bar. Five floors to go. 50% downloaded. Come on! Come on!
The download finished a split second before the elevator got to the roof, giving me just enough time to open the app and hit the big red RECORD button. I was still shoving my phone back into my purse when the doors slid open.
Shit! I hoped Mr. Frost hadn’t seen. If he got suspicious…
All of those thoughts immediately disappeared when I looked out onto the roof and saw a familiar looking helicopter with SAUSAGE KING scrawled on the side.
The sausage king himself, Otto von Wurst, was standing in front of it.
What is he doing here? And then I remembered the message I’d left him. What had I said? I couldn’t remember the exact wording, but I could recall a few key points. I’d told him that I was going to be murdered, said his sausage was delicious, and then asked him to bring me some. Oh, and I’d also asked him to come save me in his helicopter. Which he was apparently now doing.
“Miss Cooper,” said Otto in his German accent. “Thank you for your order.” He stepped forward and handed me a to-go bag from the sausage king.
“Uh, thanks,” I said. Was he really just going to ignore the rest of my message? I kind of hoped he would.
“Is there anything else I can help you with?” he asked .
“I can’t believe you actually came,” I said.
“Of course I came. You order the sausage, so I bring the sausage. That is how restaurants work, ya?”
I nodded.
“I hope I got your order correct.”
“I’m sure you did.”
“I am not so sure.”
“Didn’t I just order some sausage? As long as you brought me that, then I’m sure we’re good.”
“Miss Cooper, I must insist that you check your order. It is Sausage King policy to never leave without ensuring that the customer is completely satisfied.”
Okay. I unrolled the top of the bag and looked inside. On top of some Styrofoam boxes was a handwritten note: “Blink three times if you are in danger.”
So that’s why he’s acting so weird. He was worried that the murderer was still in the building and just sent me out here to create an illusion of normality.
I was about to laugh and tell him that it had all been a misunderstanding when a particularly strong gust of wind blew some hair into my face. I brushed it out of my face, but not before blinking a few times.
Three times, to be precise. Which unfortunately signaled to the sausage king that I was still in danger. He charged at me and tackled me to the ground. The to-go bag flew out of my arms, sausages flying everywhere.
At the same time, four heavily armed guards materialized out of thin air. Their faces and uniforms had been painted to make them blend in perfectly with the topography of the roof .
One of them ran over to me and the sausage king. Two of them pointed their rifles at the elevator. And the fourth did some weird parkour moves to get to the elevator as quickly and stealthily as possible. He spun into the open doorway and got ready to shoot.
“All clear!” he called a second later.
What the hell? “Dude, get off me,” I said, pushing at the sausage king. He was spread out over me like some sort of human blanket. And he weighed a freaking ton. Which made sense given that he was like 6’5 and super jacked.
“You are safe now, Miss Cooper,” he said. “The murderer will stand no chance against my guards.”
What was the best way to tell him that the whole murderer thing had been a misunderstanding and that my blinks had been accidental? The answer was to probably just rip the Band-Aid off and be honest, but I took things in a slightly different direction. “You saved my life!”
The sausage king pushed up a little bit so that he could look down at me. His face was only a few inches from mine. “Of course. A true gentleman would never ignore a beautiful woman in need.”
The sausage king thinks I’m beautiful? According to Chastity and Wikipedia, he was a real-life prince. Well, technically he was a duke, but close enough. It was still all very fairytale-esque to have a nobleman come riding to my rescue. He was my knight in shining armor. I blushed a little. But I was mainly concerned about the tremendous amount of pressure building on my midsection. Because this dude was heavy AF and apparently quite bad at distributing his weight while planking atop a damsel in distress. Oh God, oh God, oh God. He was squishing my liver! “Get off!” I yelled, pushing on him with all my strength.
He rolled off. “Where are my manners?” asked the sausage king. “Are you hurt?”
My breathing started to slow. I couldn’t be certain, but it didn’t feel like my liver had fully burst. Crisis averted. “I think I’m okay.” Kind of. Now that my liver wasn’t in grave danger I was able to take stock of the rest of my body. The sausage king had somehow cushioned my fall pretty well, but my butt and elbow still hurt. I turned my arm to get a view of my scraped-up elbow. Ow.
“Your elbow is bleeding,” said the sausage king. “One moment.” He disappeared into his helicopter and came out with a med kit and one of those metallic blankets that they wrap around people who get rescued from a freezing cold river. He wrapped it around my shoulders as he tended to my wound, first cleaning the blood off my arm and then patching it up with a Band-Aid. He even blew on it like my mom used to do when I’d get a boo-boo. For such a giant man, he was extremely gentle. And he was a duke. Is this real life? It kind of felt like I was dreaming. Although after meeting an actual genie and joining New York City’s most exclusive sex club, nothing should have really surprised me anymore.
“Does that feel better?” he asked when he was all done.
I nodded. “Much better.”
“Very good. Where shall I take you?”
“I actually need to get back to work. ”
The sausage king looked at me like I was crazy. “Work? In the building with the murderer?”
Oh right. He was saving me from a murderer. “I’m sure you guys scared him off.”
“It is up to you, but I would feel much more comfortable if you came with me until the murderer is caught. I could not sleep tonight knowing that I had left you in danger.”
“Actually…” How do I tell him nicely that this was a false alarm? “I want you to know how much I appreciate you coming to save me. But the truth is, they caught the murderer last night.”
Rather than being offended, the sausage king looked relieved. “That is wonderful news! I was so worried that I had left you in danger all night.” He whistled and said something in German to his four guards. They all immediately relaxed and let their weapons drop to their sides. “Before I leave, is there anything else I can do for you?”
“You’ve already done more than enough. Unless you’re in the market for a new marketing executive, then I’m not sure there’s anything else you can do for me. Because I’m pretty sure my boss is going to fire me.”
“Fire you? Why would your boss fire you?”
I told him the whole story about last night and how Tanner had trashed the office and beat up Mr. Frost.
“I see,” he said when I finished. “Luckily for you, I have the perfect solution.”
“You do?”
“My family has a saying: A man cannot scream when his mouth is full of sausage. ”
I tried not to laugh. But I couldn’t stop myself. That was the gayest thing I’d ever heard, and that was saying a lot after spending part of the weekend with Nigel.
“What is funny?” asked the sausage king.
“Are you sure that’s the right translation?”
“I believe so, yes. You have never heard this phrase before?”
I shook my head. “Never.”
“You understand the meaning though, yes?”
“You think my friend should have tortured Tanner by shoving sausage in his mouth?”
Now it was the sausage king’s turn to laugh at me. “You are very funny, Miss Cooper. No, what it means is that your boss won’t want to fire you after you bring him some of my delicious sausage.”
“Oh my God! You’re brilliant!” It was the perfect plan. Mr. Frost loved those sausages. If anything would save my job, this was it. There was only one problem. I looked around at the sausages scattered on the roof. The bag must have burst open when the sausage king tackled me. “Think he’ll notice if I feed him floor sausages?” I bent down to start collecting them off the roof.
“That will not be necessary.” The sausage king walked over to his helicopter and opened a secret panel. Inside was a fresh batch of sausages turning on a roller under a heat lamp. “I never go anywhere in the sausagecopter without my emergency sausages.” He transferred them to a to-go bag and handed it to me.
“Thank you so much. How much do I owe you?”
“That sausage is a gift. ”
“But this is the second time that you’ve saved my job. And you would have saved me from a murderer too if I had really been in danger. I’ll feel so guilty if I don’t at least pay for the food I ordered.”
“I will not accept your money. But I do have a plus one for an upcoming event. Perhaps you would like to accompany me?”
Did a German duke seriously just ask me out on a date? Any sane girl would have said yes in a heartbeat. A week ago, I would have. But now I was with Tanner.
“I actually have a boyfriend,” I said.
“Then we can just go as friends.”
How could I say no to that after everything he’d done for me?
“All I ask is that you think about it.” He scrawled his cell phone number on the back of a business card and handed it to me.
“I’ll let you know. Thanks again for everything.” I held up the bag and did a curtsey like a complete weirdo. It just seemed appropriate when talking to royalty. Then I rushed back onto the elevator.
It was time to make amends with Mr. Frost. I knew he wanted to put his sausage in my mouth, but hopefully stuffing some sausage in his mouth instead would be enough for me to keep my job.