Chapter 13 – #FreeMyPenis
Monday – September 25, 2023
Ash
I hurried over to Chastity. “Our jobs are saved! Our jobs are saved!”
“I knew it.” Chastity smiled. “Dirty girl.” She lifted her hand for a high five.
“What are you talking about?”
She closed the hand she’d lifted into a fist. And then mimed sucking someone off. Very sloppily.
“Stop it!” I hissed.
She laughed. “Wait, tell me everything. What did Mr. Frost’s cum taste like? Was it cookies? Can you still taste it? Kiss me real quick so I can taste it too!”
“Get away from me!” I dodged her and tripped into my desk chair. “No. Bad Chastity.”
She frowned. “I mean, you know I love the taste of normal cum. But I also love variety. And cookie cum sounds amazing. I bet Mr. Frost’s cum tastes like frosted sugar cookies. Cause boy is frosty as hell. Oh! Or coconut macaroons. Those kinda look like frosty clumps of snow. And he has dark hair, like the chocolate that they're dipped into. Yasssss! That’s it, right?”
I just stared at her. “No.”
“What other cookies are frost-like…”
“Mr. Frost wasn’t on the roof. ”
Her eyes grew round. “Then who did you just blow?”
“The sausage king was there.”
“Ah! Even better! His skeet has gotta taste like pfeffernusses.”
“Ew, what is that?”
“Traditional spiced German cookies covered in powdered sugar. Stop being basic.”
“Chastity, I didn’t…”
“Actually, that sounds like it would fit Mr. Frost. Do you think he's German at all? He might be with how much he loves sausage.”
Eh. She had a good point. “And he does kind of seem like a nazi.”
“That’s what I’m saying.”
“But no.”
“No he’s not a nazi?”
“I have no idea. I meant no I didn’t blow anyone.”
Chastity’s shoulders slumped.
“But it’s fine because I came up with a plan. I'm going to give Mr. Frost these sausages.” I lifted the delivery bag. “As the old saying goes: A man cannot scream when his mouth is full of sausage.”
“What the hell did you just say to me?”
“It’s a German thing.”
“No. That doesn’t sound right.”
“It’s a famous saying.” Although I’d never heard it before either. “It might be translated weird.”
“Well that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. Don’t say that to Mr. Frost or he might think you’re about to shove a bunch of cocks in his mouth. Not that we know for sure he doesn’t like that. ”
I shook my head. “I’m not offering him man sausage. I’m offering him this sausage. The sausage king saved our jobs.”
“Ah! You got him as a client?”
“What?”
“You signed him as a client. To replace the other one with a castle that Mr. Frost lost because of us.”
“No. Does the sausage king even have a castle?”
“Of course he does. He’s a duke.”
Well, shit. “I didn’t even think of that.” I looked down at the bag of sausages. Hopefully my bag of meats would be enough to satisfy Mr. Frost.
“Did you at least get the sausage king to join the Society? Some girl will definitely fall in love with him. And then you'll be one step closer to getting Tanner's cock.”
“Damn it! I shoulda thought of that too. Wait. How do you know about Tanner’s genie mission?”
“Nigel told me all about it when we got some pizza last night. I’m assuming you offered to help Tanner break his curse, right? I’ll help too. It’ll be fun.”
“Back up a sec. You guys got pizza?” That kind of sounded like a date…
“Yeah.” She sighed. “It was the worst pizza place in New York. He has the palate of a pauper. Anyway, you really should have asked the sausage king to become a client. We can't just give Mr. Frost a pound of cold sausages. Will you at least show him your tits?”
I groaned. “Wait! Tits! I have the perfect idea! I'm gonna save our jobs and my penis.”
“When did you get a penis?” She eyed my pants .
“I meant Tanner’s penis. We’re dating so his penis belongs to me now. Hence…my penis.”
“That’s not how that works.”
“Yes it is. Couples share everything.”
“You still can’t just go around saying you have a ding-a-ling, Ash. Not in this day and age. You’ll confuse a tween or whatevs.”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t care what a tween thinks of my dick.”
Chastity laughed.
“Anywho, back to my plan. I’m going to offer to do diva duty for the photoshoots today. And while we're with all the super wealthy attractive clients, we can convince them to join the Society.”
“Actually, that’s brilliant. There will be rich men galore. And no one ever offers to do diva duty. Because divas suck.”
I stared at her. She did realize that half the time she acted like she was a high-end model during a photoshoot, right? Or maybe she just meant that divas suck . Like...suck dicks. She’d probably meant that one. I shrugged. “Okay. I’ll be right back. Wish me luck.”
“Tits up.”
I nodded, grabbed my bag of cold sausages, and hurried over to Mr. Frost’s office.
I knocked on the closed door.
“Come in,” he said from the other side of the door.
I took a deep breath and stood up a little straighter. I’ve got this.
I walked in and immediately started to sweat. It shouldn’t have been possible to get this sweaty so quickly. But the bag was practically slipping out of my wet fingers.
Mr. Frost was sitting in his office chair with his hands folded on top of his desk. He looked very much like a man that was about to fire someone. He cleared his throat. “I thought I said 4:45.”
Well, the sausages would have been rancid by then. “But you also said I had until then to make it up to you. I’m here to do that.” I walked over to his desk. “I got your favorite.”
He didn’t reply. But he squinted at me.
I lifted the bag and it slipped through my sweaty fingers and ungracefully plopped down onto his desk. “All the sausages. A huge variety. Every shape and size.” Why am I talking so much about them? I didn’t even know if that was true. I pushed the bag in front of him. Now shove them into your mouth so you can’t scream!
But he didn’t shove them into his mouth. He just kept staring at me.
“They’re fresh,” I added.
“I would be highly concerned if you gave me spoiled sausages.”
“So we’re on the same page then.”
He squinted at me even more.
What does the squinting mean?! “I also have a proposition.” Gah! Don’t say proposition! Now he probably thought I was propositioning him. “About today’s photoshoots,” I quickly added.
He just kept squinting.
Mr. Frost was almost exclusively angry looking. But he looked extra angry now. The look suited him. I’d almost define him as handsome. It was actually a little tempting to recruit him to join the Society. He’d ruin some poor unsuspecting girl.
What the heck am I thinking right now? No one in their right mind would fall in love with this monster. The Society wasn’t about cheap bangs. It was all about true love. And Mr. Frost was not capable of loving anything but his binders. God, those dumb binders. It was a little tempting to grab a thick sausage and jab his non-black eye with it.
I realized I’d been standing there just staring at him for a solid two minutes. I cleared my throat. “Chastity and I would like to volunteer for diva duty.”
No reply.
“Diva duty is when...”
“I know what diva duty is.” He pulled the bag of sausages toward him.
Shove them in your mouth!
Instead he peeked inside the bag and then looked back up at me.
“Well...um...no one likes to do it,” I said. “But we’re willing to. Last minute notice too. So...yeah. I hope that and the sausages will suffice.”
“Very well.”
Very well? Did that mean we were all good? I waited for him to elaborate. Or fire me. Or...say something else at all.
Instead he opened up the takeout container and shoved a sausage into his greedy mouth.
Finally!
And the sausage king was right. The sausage was so big that Mr. Frost couldn’t say a damn word .
He slowly chewed and gave me a thumbs up. And then he dismissed me with a wave of his hand.
I wasn’t fired! I was just rudely dismissed like always. “Great! Enjoy! Guten tag!” I ran out of the room.
Time to recruit some hotties. #FreeMyPenis.
I couldn’t believe that had actually worked. Chastity and I got onto the elevators and made our way out onto the busy city sidewalk.
“So how exactly does recruiting work?” Chastity asked as we starting walking toward the photoshoots. “I’m guessing that we get them hard and measure their dick size...”
“That can’t be how it works.” I pulled out my phone. “Let me ask Tanner.” I shot him a text.
His reply came back right away: “First I find an attractive woman...”
“Psh,” Chastity said. “Screw that. I’m finding a hunk of man meat.”
I ignored her and kept reading: “Then I have my PI investigate her and watch her for a few months. Make sure there aren’t any red flags. And if she’s a good fit, I’ll deliver an invitation.”
Chastity grabbed my phone. “A few months? No. Absolutely not. You need to be properly serviced before you die. I’ve got this.” She started texting.
I looked over her shoulder to see what she’d written. “Dude, we don't have time for that! We need new members fast. Can’t I just go up to people and invite them?”
Nice.
“Sounds reckless,” Tanner replied. “But I really can’t wait to fuck you. So let's try it. ”
“He wants to fuck me,” Chastity said. “Naughty boy.”
“He clearly thought he was texting me.” I grabbed my phone back as it buzzed again.
Tanner had sent me a pic of a super-hot blonde with an impossibly tiny waist.
I almost tripped over a crack in the sidewalk.
“Got one already!” he texted. “Great idea!”
What the hell? “How did he already find that girl? Was he hanging out with her?”
“Don’t be jealous,” said Chastity.
“I’m not jealous.”
“Your face looks jealous. But don’t worry. We’ll find a hottie of our own as payback.”
I nodded. “Good thinking.” I scanned the other side of the sidewalk until I found someone to make Tanner super jealous instead. Bingo. “I’ve got this.” I stepped in front of a blonde walking in the opposite direction. She was even prettier than the girl in Tanner’s picture. Tanner was going to be so jealous.
The blonde tried to sidestep me, but I stepped in front of her again to block her path.
She gave me a weird look. Like walking on this side of the sidewalk was a personal affront to her.
But she was about to be so happy. “Come to my sex club?” I asked and smiled as sweetly as possible.
“Excuse me?” Now she just looked horrified.
“It’s invite only. And very fancy. Top hats only at certain events, if you know what I mean.” What did I mean? And what information was I supposed to be asking her? As I tried to think of what to say, I added a wink for good measure .
She took a step back from me.
“It’s okay. It’s all legit. Just...come with me.”
She looked truly scared.
“Just say yes. And all your fantasies will come true.”
“Absolutely not.” She tried to sidestep me again, but I blocked her path.
“Wait.” I knew what to ask her. “What is your age, sex, and current location?” Crap, no. Two of those were already obvious. Seriously, what was I supposed to ask her?
She was finally able to successfully sidestep me. Her high heels clicked on the cement as she hurried away. She turned to look at me over her shoulder. When she saw I was still staring, she quickly cut across the street.
“Wow,” said Chastity. “No.”
“You’re right, she’d be a terrible fit.”
“No, I meant no to you. What the heck was that? Why did you ask a woman? And regardless of that, you can’t be creepily asking strangers to a sex club.”
“I wasn’t creepy.”
“Girl, you were creepy as hell.”
“I was awkward at worst.”
“She ran into oncoming traffic to get away from you.”
“Well, I didn’t know what information to ask her.”
“I’m not sure that was the problem. It was all the other stuff you said.”
I shook my head. “No way. One sec.” I texted Tanner asking him what information I needed to extract from possible candidates.
“Just get their name and take a pic of them,” he responded. “The Society staff will take it from there. ”
I smiled. “Great. Now we have a plan.”
“If you say so,” Chastity said. “Come on, we don’t want to be late to the photoshoot.” She looped her arm through mine and pulled me down the sidewalk.
When we arrived at the studio everything was already in full swing. We walked backstage on the first set to make sure everything was running smoothly. And the first thing I saw was another hot blonde drilling something. She had ripped jeans and a white tank top that her boobs were practically pouring out of. I subtly snapped a picture.
“What are you doing?” Chastity asked.
“I bet plenty of guys at the Society would love to see her bent over like that.”
“Um...did you learn nothing from the last person you accosted?”
“That street woman was weird. She didn’t deserve to be in the Society. But this woman does.”
“No, don’t...” Chastity tried to stop me, but I hurried over to the construction hottie.
“Hola,” I said.
“Hola. Cómo estás?”
“Oh, no, sorry, I don’t speak that.” But people in the Society would surely love sweet nothings whispered in their ear in Espa?ol.
She laughed. “No worries, I speak English too. What’s up?”
“Glad you asked. So I’m part of this amazing super exclusive sex club. And they’re looking for new members, so I’m scouting. And you’d seriously be perfect.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, you’d be so great. ”
She looked like she was considering it.
“Plus, you can make a million dollars or whatever once you leave.”
“Oh wow.”
“Yup.” I didn’t remember the contract perfectly. But I was pretty sure the million was on the table unless you violated their code of conduct.
“Okay.” She set down her drill. “I’m in. What do you need from me?”
This girl was seriously awesome. And clearly down for anything. A perfect initiate. “Just jot your name down real quick.” I pulled a notebook and pen out of my purse and handed them to her. She wrote her name down.
“Perfect. Somone will contact you soon. Adiós!” I tried not to squeal as I turned around. I texted Tanner on my way back over to Chastity. This picture was going to make him so jelly.
Tanner texted back: “Great job! I got two more!” I stared in horror at the pic of hot twins he’d sent.
“He’s not even a little jealous. What the heck?” I looked up at Chastity.
She laughed. “Of course he’s not jealous. You keep hitting on women.”
“I’m not...”
“Damn it, girl. If you want to make Tanner jealous you need to be recruiting stunning men. Stop signing up hot blondes.”
“Oh. Ooooh. Fair.”
“Let me go scout out the place. How about you make sure the first photoshoot is going well? I’ll circle back in a few minutes and tell you where all the hotties are. Fingers crossed there are some rich owners that came along to view the shoots.” She walked off toward the door.
Diva duty time for me. I wandered around the curtain to the front of the shoot. The bright lights everywhere were blinding.
“Hey, you!” said a sassy man with a finger snap. “Get out of my frame!”
Oops. I’d somehow already angered the director. And I was supposed to be here to help. I stepped to the side and turned to look at the photoshoot. A hot blonde guy was lifting weights. Ah! It’s Matt!
I was just about to fling myself behind the curtain when I realized that it actually wasn’t Matt. But...the model did look a lot like him. Hot blonde men all looked the same.
A smile slowly spread across my face. If anyone would make Tanner jealous, it was this guy.
“CUT!” the director yelled.
The model dropped the weights and walked toward the director.
I got in his way. “Hey. What is your take on sex clubs?”
He glanced down at his watch. “Is this for another shoot? You’ll have to talk to my agent.”
“Nope, not for a shoot. A real live sex club. I’m a scout for it. And you’d be perfect. It’s very exclusive and very high end. Want an invite?”
He shrugged. “Actually, that sounds fabulous.”
This is so easy! “I just need a quick picture.” I snapped one of him. “And what’s your name?”
“Beaumont Astor. ”
“Got it. An invite will arrive for you shortly.” I got out of his way so he could go hang out with the sassy director. I texted the picture to Tanner. “Boom. Meet the newest member of the Society: Beaumont Astor. Some girl is gonna be so lucky to end up with this beautiful blonde hunk.”
His response came back right away. “You sure about that? Because that guy is definitely gay.”
“What makes you say that?” Wow, jealousy was a bad look on Tanner.
“I mean…just look at that picture. He’s giving a saucy little smile and biting his finger. And his name…”
I stared at the picture. Damn it, why was Beaumont biting his finger like that? And why was his hip popped out so sassily? He was supposed to be a model. So why was he so bad at modeling? “What’s wrong with his name?”
“His last name is Astor. It’s basically Ass Tour.”
Ew. What? Tanner had this dead wrong. “No way. This guy is straight as an arrow. I’ll ask him what kind of girl he’s excited to meet at the Society. I bet he'll say something like, ‘Anything with tits, toots,’ and then smack my ass.”
“LOL.”
Tanner could laugh all he wanted. This guy was straight. I looked up, but Beaumont was gone. Crap. I hurried backstage to try to find him. I opened up one door and then the next. After opening five random doors I finally found him.
Oh. No. Ass Tour had a doughnut on his dick and the sassy director was kneeling in front of him. Beaumont was holding a box of doughnuts from Dickson and Son’s Sugarcakes.
Gah! That was my recipe. Of course they were both going to town on them. They were freaking delicious.
But more importantly...Ass Tour was gay AF. I sighed. “You, sir, are uninvited to my sex club!” I slammed the door.
I cringed. That was a bit harsh. He probably thought I was a raging homophobe now. But if anyone was...it was Tanner. Because I didn’t think he let gay people into his fancy schmancy club. I sighed again. Please don’t let Tanner be a gay-hating nazi after all.
I shook my head and made my way back to the photoshoot. I couldn’t believe that Tanner was right. My gaydar was seriously off. There was a new photoshoot already starting. A girl was sitting on the weight bench now, seductively eating a sugarcake.
Wait, what? I stared at the box. Is this an ad for Dickson and Son’s Sugarcakes? Joe must have hired BIMG just to be an asshole. Stupid Cupcake! I really needed to start calling him by that dumb nickname. He was such a sugar infested muffin! I shook the thought away. My recipe was delightful. There was no reason to insult myself.
Or maybe Mr. Frost was who took Dickson and Son’s Sugarcakes on as a client. I could see him going out and signing them, just because he was the worst.
Screw Cupcake and Mr. Frost. I needed to focus. I had to find a straight guy to make Tanner jealous.
Chastity leaned around the curtain and beckoned me toward her.
“Did you find anyone?” I asked .
“You bet. Did you?”
“Yeah but he was a gay version of Matt. It’s a hard pass. Let’s go talk to who you found.”
She smiled. “This way. I have the perfect recruits.” We walked down the hall until we reached another photoshoot in session. “This shoot is for the brand Modelli d’Ghana.”
“Never heard of it.”
“What? Really? It’s all the rage.”
“Nope.” Two black guys were posing in tuxedos while a third, much younger one, snapped photo after photo. And they were all dressed in clothes with bright African pattern accents. It looked like the two models might be brothers.
“Modelli d’Ghana is Italian for patterns of Ghana. Their brand is really taking off. And it’s a direct competitor to Odegaard.”
I could see that. Their suits were a lot like Tanner’s, only they featured African prints instead of the classic zigzags, stripes, and polka dots.
Chastity rubbed her hands together. “These are the perfect guys to recruit to make Tanner jealous. Odegaard has some serious beef with this brand. Modelli d’Ghana was started by models who used to work for Odegaard. It’s a blend of African patterns with luxurious Italian fabrics and craftmanship. And to make it even better...Tanner is like a bajillion years old, right? So he’s probably a little racist.”
I thought about all the old people I’d encountered over my life. They were all a little racist even when they weren’t trying to be. They could say the nicest thing about a black person, but they’d use a very wrong word to compliment them and then the whole thing would be ruined. Just like when people called me a ginger. “Yeah, that checks out. I really need to check Tanner’s civil war medals to make sure they’re legit…”
“What?”
“Nothing, let’s focus.”
Chastity nodded. “Just follow my lead.” She wandered up to the photographer and started to introduce herself. “And we’re with BIMG.” She gestured toward me.
I waved. “Howdy.” Damn it! How did I always ruin introductions?
“The shoot looks great,” said Chastity. “But it would be even more eye-catching if you took your shirts off. Show off those muscles and the perfect fit of the pants.”
The guys immediately agreed and started taking their shirts off. I couldn’t tell if their accents were African or Italian. Or maybe a weird blend?
The one that looked the oldest was super jacked. The other model was slightly taller and thinner. He also had a nose ring and lots of tattoos tracing down his exposed arms. The photographer had dreadlocks and was much thinner. And much younger. He actually looked very, very young. Was he a teenager?
“OMG, amazing,” said Chastity. “I can totally see these pics on a billboard in Times Square.” She snapped her fingers. “I could also see you at a sex club. Speaking of which, my friend is recruiting for one.”
Ah! What? I thought she was handling this one! And did she just invite a teen to a sex club? !
The model with tattoos smiled at me. “I’ll join. I’ve always wanted to fuck a redhead.”
WHAT?!
The jacked brother cleared his throat. “We’d love to join in the hopes of getting to know both of you lovely ladies better.”
I just stared at them. I knew my eyes had grown round and I hadn’t said a damn thing. But I had no response for this. They were kinda giving Angel and Diablo vibes. The jacked brother was suave and the brother with tattoos was clearly a bad boy.
“Actually, why wait for a sex club?” the tattooed brother said. “I have an idea for a photoshoot that would really get people’s attention…” He stared directly at my breasts.
Ah!
“You two are quite beautiful,” his brother said. “How would you like to pose in our new line of bikinis?”
“Sure,” Chastity said.
What?! “No, we don't have time. We have another shoot to get to. We just need your names and a headshot for each of you.”
“I’m Ato Ababio,” the jacked older brother said. “And this is my brother Kweku Ababio.”
Fortunately the young photographer didn’t give me his name.
I snapped some pictures of them shirtless, making sure the pattern on the pants and the Modelli d’Ghana logo on the photoshoot backdrop were visible. Perfect. “Thanks! Bye!” I sprinted backstage and sent Tanner the text .
He responded right away: “Excellent find! Great work. :)”
“A smiley face? Seriously? He’s not jealous at all.” I looked up at Chastity.
Chastity shrugged. “That’s probably because Modelli d’Ghana is way smaller than Odegaard.”
“What? I thought you said they’d be perfect.”
“I wasn’t thinking about how rich Tanner was. We need to find someone super famous to make him jealous. Come with me. This time I really do have the perfect fit.”
I wondered what famous person was here. Wait, could it be Spaceboy?! If it’s Spaceboy, Chastity is definitely gonna get distracted and bang them...
We walked into a super cool studio. It almost seemed like we’d walked onto another planet with lava and glowing red rocks. This was so spacey! Ah!
Wait, no. It was probably the set of the newest Supernova Six movie. It was about sexy space explorers that knew how to use the weapons they were born with as well as the weapons they equipped to fight off aliens.
I walked around one of the glowing red rocks and saw a guy in a red and black striped soccer jersey juggling a ball. He kneed it up and then caught it with the side of his other foot. He had crazy cool moves. I didn’t follow soccer, but even I recognized him. He was Brazilian superstar Zico.
“What’s Zico doing here in NYC?” I whispered. “Doesn’t he play in England?”
“He just joined NY United. Apparently he wanted to try to take down Messi in Miami to prove he’s the best. ”
I kept staring at him juggling the ball in front of the cameras recording him. “If we got him to join the Society, Tanner would shit his little Tanner pants.”
“I know,” Chastity said with a huge smile. “Hopefully Nigel will shit himself too.”
I didn’t care what Nigel did in his pants. I waited for Zico to finish juggling. And waited. It seemed like he could juggle forever. And he somehow managed to smile for the cameras the whole time. It took like ten minutes for him to finally stop.
We hurried over to him before he could start up again.
He barely even glanced at me. He just pulled a Sharpie out of his pocket and started signing my boob.
“Hey!” I swatted his hand away.
“What?” He finally looked at me. He looked very confused. “Did you not want me to sign your breast?” he asked in a sexy Brazilian accent.
I mean...I kinda do now. No. Stop it! His fame was already seducing me. Tanner was going to lose his freaking mind. “No, I just wanted to invite you to a sex club.”
“How much does it cost?” he asked and pocketed the Sharpie.
That was a good question. The contract had said a million dollars... I nodded to myself. “One million American dollars, sir.”
Zico nodded. “Great. I’ll pay for the whole team. Lads! We're joining a sex club!”
Everyone in the studio looked over at us. And I noticed more guys wearing red and black striped soccer jerseys. I hadn’t even seen the rest of the basic ass NY United players when Zico had been commanding the room.
Oopsies. I really should have been more discreet asking him. But oh well. If they all joined, that would be fine. The more matches we could make the better. And the players were all hot.
“Could you all pose for a team photo?” I asked.
Zico whistled and everyone came over. A few players slid on their knees like they’d just scored a goal.
I snapped the picture and sent it to Tanner.
He responded with a thumbs up emoji.
Gah! Tanner was an impenetrable tank. “I give up trying to make Tanner jealous.” I wasn’t even sure why I was doing it. That wasn’t supposed to be my mission. My mission was to find people looking for true love. And these soccer players were gorgeous. Some girls at the Society would definitely bang them and find true love.
I was seriously a master at this. Tanner must have been totally dicking around over the last 300 years to only have 421 matches. Well, not really dicking around. Because he could only dick himself.
I shook my head. Either way, I had this. Tanner’s penis would be mine in no time. “I can’t wait to go to Odegaard Island to plan out what dates to send these people on,” I said.
“Odegaard Island?” Chastity asked.
It was supposed to be a date night...but technically it was work too. And it wouldn’t hurt to have more hands on deck to figure out how to get Tanner’s curse lifted as quickly as possible. Besides, there was no way I was going to leave Chastity behind when we magically teleported to a private island! “Yup. Let’s get out of here.”