Chapter 14 – Tanner’s Grandson
Monday – September 25, 2023
Ash
I now owned so many cool bikinis that it was almost impossible to choose just one. I pushed another aside in my magical closet. I needed the perfect Odegaard outfit if I was going to Odegaard Island. But none of them were exactly what I was looking for. Where were all the bathing suits with sleeves?
Chastity walked out from behind one of the racks in a surprisingly full coverage one-piece swimsuit and coverup. It was very unlike her.
“Um...isn’t that like breaking the rules?” I asked. “Single Girl Rule #43: Bikinis are the only acceptable beach attire.”
“You’re missing a key part of that rule. Rule #43: Bikinis are the only acceptable girls’ trip outfit. And this definitely isn’t a girls’ trip. Because Tanner and his weird little houseboy are gonna be there. And I don’t want to distract them with my beautiful tits. We have dates to plan!” She shimmied a bit like she was uncomfortable to be covered in so much fabric.
“Are you sure that’s what you want to wear?”
“Positive,” she said. “Nigel makes me so uncomfortable. I don’t want his beady little eyes pointed anywhere near me.”
Okay then. I was actually glad she was dressed so modestly. Because that meant I could wear what I truly wanted to and not look out of place. “In that case, I’m wearing this.” I grabbed a baggy T-shirt, leggings, and a huge floppy straw hat. And a pair of opera length satin gloves for good measure. I was pasty AF. I needed to protect my skin from the evil Caribbean sun. I quickly changed.
Chastity lifted the brim of my hat to see me better. “Girl, the sun isn’t even gonna be out.”
“Maybe not here. But we don’t know what to expect in the Caribbean.”
Chastity showed me the forecast on her phone.
“The weather people are off their game recently. I don’t trust anything they say. And I’d rather be safe than sorry.” I pulled on a mannequin to open the wall into Tanner’s part of the closet.
Tanner was leaning against one of the shelves in a blue shirt with palm trees with matching palm tree shorts. I’d seen other people around New York City wearing sets like that over the summer. But none of them had pulled it off the way Tanner currently was.
“No. Freaking. Way.” Chastity stepped into Tanner’s closet and turned in a circle. And then she started inspecting a row of suits. “This reminds me of Daddy’s closet.” She cleared her throat. “From before he lost all his money I mean.” She whistled and kept looking around.
Tanner raised his eyebrow at me. “Ready for...the beach?” He looked confused by my outfit.
“Yes.” I adjusted my opera length gloves. “That sun won’t be touching one inch of me. ”
He smiled and pulled me against his chest. “As long as I can touch every inch of you.” He lifted the brim of my hat and placed a soft kiss against my lips.
I couldn’t believe any of this was actually happening. Tanner was finally choosing me back. And we were standing in a magical portal closet. And going to Odegaard Island. And a genie was kissing me!
He pulled back and smiled down at me. “I can’t wait to show you Odegaard Island and brainstorm dates for all the beautiful women you recruited.”
Gah! “I invited one woman,” I said with a laugh.
“Either way. Ready to plan some dates?”
“Absolutely.”
“Follow me.”
We followed Tanner out of his closet and wandered down a huge hallway with marble pillars. There were tons of statues, museum cases, and paintings covered in sheets.
“What’s under all these?” Chastity asked.
“Various memorabilia from all my different identities,” said Tanner.
Really? That was so cool. “I want to see it all.”
“If we dillydally too much we’ll miss the sunset.” He glanced at his watch. “But we probably have time for you to see three of my identities.”
Gah? Only three? Well, my first choice was easy. “How about your civil war stuff?” I needed to check to make sure he really fought for the north.
Tanner started walking down the hall.
“Good thinking,” Chastity whispered.
Tanner stopped about halfway down the hall and pulled a sheet off of what looked like a statue of someone seated. Once the sheet was fully removed I could tell it was a display of blue samurai armor. Beneath it was a samurai sword, a revolver, and an American flag bandana.
It seemed legit. But... “Why the heck does your civil war memorabilia feature samurai stuff?”
“I told you. I was the captain of a company of specially trained Union samurai.”
“I thought you were joking.”
He laughed. “No. I would never joke about the Great Rebellion.”
Okay... “What does this mean?” I pointed to two silver bars on the shoulders.
“It’s the captain insignia,” said Chastity before Tanner could respond.
I stared at her. “Why do you know that?”
“I’ve spent lots of time on base entertaining troops.” She winked at me.
What? When?
Tanner laughed. “Indeed.”
“What about that?” I pointed to a medal on the breastplate that had an eagle and a five-point star hanging from a red, white, and blue ribbon.
“The medal of honor,” said Chastity.
Tanner nodded. “That’s the medal of honor I got for saving the soldiers at the Battle of Shiloh.” He pulled a sheet off a portrait of Abraham Lincoln pinning the medal on him in his samurai armor. Tanner had a sweet civil war mustache in the painting.
“Holy mustachio, samurai,” said Chastity. “Someone could go for a riiiide on that thing. ”
Tanner laughed. “I have to change my hair with the times.”
I had so many questions. “So...why were you wearing samurai armor during the civil war?”
“I trained an elite group of commandos using ancient Japanese techniques.”
“Right. But where did you learn those?”
“In the Japans, of course.”
I looked up at him. “And when were you in the Japans?” No. Don’t say it like that. I’m not ancient.
“Is that the second identity you’d like to see?”
“Yes. No! Wait! I need to know about Nigel and Marie Antoinette.”
“Nigel and Marie Antoinette?” Chastity laughed. “Let me guess...she made Nigel eat cake?”
“She hand-fed Nigel plenty of cake, yes,” Tanner said.
“Ew.” Chastity’s face scrunched up. “What?”
“They were lovers.”
Chasity gagged. “No.”
“Absolutely.” He started walking down the hall again. “Let’s see…I know that’s around here somewhere.” Every now and then he’d point to a covered painting or sculpture and mumble to himself, as if he was trying to remember where everything was. “1860s - Panama Railroad…” He pointed to another. “1850s - Edo, Japan…” And another. “Late 40s - Gold Rush.” He pointed to a statue. “1845...” Tanner shook his head. “Worst master ever,” he mumbled.
I had to see that. I peeked under the sheet he’d just pointed to. It was a statue of a guy in a three-piece suit. He was wearing an absolutely terrifying leprechaun mask and a top hot with a shamrock tucked into it. He was carrying a big bag of money and a pistol.
“Were you a bank robber?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He shuddered. “On the way over from Ireland during the potato famine an Irish mobster found my lamp and became my master. So for a few years I had no choice but to rob banks for the Irish mob.”
That sounded awful. “What were you doing in Ireland?”
Tanner continued walking instead of answering my question about Ireland.
Strange. Was he so upset about his master that he didn’t even want to talk about his time in Ireland?
“That master really must have left a bad taste in his mouth,” Chastity said.
“Yeah, that master sounded kinda mean.”
“No. I meant...” she mimed blowing someone.
“Stop it.” I hit her hand. “Tanner wasn’t blowing Irish gangsters in 1845.”
“Not by choice. But whoever has his lamp holds all the power. Don’t you think he’s had to do lots of sexual things to his masters?”
“I absolutely did not think of that.”
“If he wasn’t your man, I’d have him grow out that mustache again and ride that thing till dawn.”
“Gross. But I doubt any of Tanner’s masters have made him do that. He’s a tricky genie. He would have figured out a way to get around blowing someone.”
Chastity laughed. “Very true. I guess he just really hated being a bank robber then. Odd. I think I’d find it quite thrilling.”
Or maybe something else about Ireland upset him.. .
“Ah. Here we are.” Tanner stopped in front of a painting covered by a sheet and yanked the sheet off of it. “Wait.” He frowned. “Well, that’s not right...”
Instead of something from the French revolution, it was a portrait of a Spanish bull fighter in the tightest little red bullfighter pants.
Chastity laughed. “Is that Nigel?”
Tanner sighed. “It is. After Marie Antoinette lost her head, we had no choice but to flee to Spain. Nigel got really into bull fighting. I think the violence helped him get out some of his frustration about his lover being guillotined, you know? Now where is that painting?”
He pulled the sheet off the painting to the left. This portrait was of Nigel dressed like a Māori warrior doing a haka dance with a jade spear. He was sticking his tongue out at a giant eagle.
“Damn it,” Tanner said. “Nigel must have hid the painting of him with Marie. It’s still a touchy subject for him.”
“Can we back up for a second?” Chastity asked. “Why is Nigel dressed like a Māori?”
“Captain Cook dropped us off there during his first voyage. It was a great place to hide from DODO. Although it was better for me than Nigel. He kept almost getting eaten by giant eagles. Apparently they thought he looked like a tasty little morsel.”
Chastity rolled her eyes. “Tasty? As if.” She took a step closer to the painting. “Does Nigel still have those Māori tattoos?”
Tanner shook his head. “No. Nigel’s a bad boy by nature. But he’s a little indecisive since our forevers are...well...forever. So he’s always getting tattoos and then magically removing them.”
A bad boy by nature? Ew. Why were we talking about Nigel’s tattoos right now? I wanted to know more about Tanner’s time in Ireland. “So you sailed around the world with Captain Cook? And ended up in Ireland? What’d you do in Ireland again? Were you a potato farmer?”
Tanner checked his watch. “We better get to island soon or we’ll miss the sunset.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hallway to a normal looking door.
Seriously...why was he avoiding questions about Ireland? And I wasn’t even sure if that was the most important question I needed to ask him. How had he become a genie? And how was Nigel part of it too?
We walked through a door and into another hallway on the other side.
There were so many questions rolling around in my head. But then we reached the end of the new hallway and walked out onto a balcony with an infinity pool and the most amazing view of the ocean.
I hadn’t even been aware of walking through the portal. But we were definitely on Odegaard Island. There were palm trees everywhere. And the sky over the ocean was lit up with the most beautiful array of pinks and oranges. The wind blew, and I could smell the salty air.
“Ah, just in time for the sunset,” said Tanner. “Welcome to Odegaard Island.”
Wow. This was freaking amazing !
Nigel had a whiteboard set up by the pool. And a fax machine next to it. I figured the white board was for brainstorming date ideas. But I had no idea what the fax machine was for. And I definitely had no idea why he’d chosen to wear lederhosen to the beach. They did nothing to protect him from the evil sun.
I stared past the edge of the infinity pool and out toward the ocean again. Yes, I had a million questions about why and how Tanner had become a genie. But what mattered right this second was coming up with a plan to end his curse. We’d have our whole lives to talk about the past. I could already picture it so clearly. Sipping drinks, floating on top of the infinity pool. And spending every evening getting absolutely railed against the side of the pool.
Yes, the questions could definitely wait until after we ended the curse. Because I didn’t want to have to wait my whole life to get that D. I felt myself blushing.
“You okay?” Tanner asked. “You look a little overheated.”
“I’m good.” I adjusted my gloves so he wouldn’t realize that I was picturing him fucking me against the side of the pool.
I heard laughter and looked back over at Nigel. There was a little boy I hadn’t seen before standing next to him. He had started drawing stick figures on the whiteboard.
“Hello, grandson!” Tanner called over to him.
The little boy dropped his marker. “Abuelo, Abuelo!” He ran toward Tanner.
Tanner lifted him up and gave him a big hug .
I knew I’d said the questions could wait until later, but...what the actual hell was happening right now? Had Tanner somehow managed to have children and grandchildren despite his flaming genie penis? Like a flaming sperm donation situation? And was I about to become a grandmother?
“Abuelo, can we go to your castle now?”
“Not today I’m afraid.” Tanner ruffled his hair and set him back on the ground.
“But, Abueeeeeelo. I want to ride the rollycoaster again.”
Tanner laughed.
“Por favor?” Jacob asked with the most adorable little accent.
“It’ll have to wait until later.” Tanner winked at him.
The little boy looked up at me and his eyes grew round. He immediately ducked behind Tanner’s legs.
“It’s okay, grandson.” Tanner put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. “Jacob, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Ash.”
Jacob poked his head around to look at me. But then immediately hid again.
“He’s not fond of strangers,” said Tanner.
“That’s okay,” I said. “I’m not fond of strangers either. Not even a little fond of them. They terrify me.”
Jacob giggled and poked his head back. “Really?”
“Really.”
He smiled. “And who’s that?” He peeked over at Chastity.
“My friend, Chastity.”
Chastity waved at him.
“Are you my abuelas now?” Jacob asked.
Maybe?
Tanner laughed. “You can just call them Miss Ashley and Miss Chastity. Does that sound good?”
“Yessie,” said Jacob.
“So...” my voice trailed off. “You’re Tanner’s grandson?”
“Sí.”
I looked at Tanner.
But he didn’t seem to realize that this was a very surprising thing to hear given the fact that he melted special space age tiles with his skeet.
“What are we drawing today?” Tanner asked.
Jacob grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the whiteboard. And I was pretty sure they’d just started speaking in French now?
“I have so many questions,” Chastity said.
Thank God I wasn’t the only one. “How does he have a grandchild when he can’t...you know.”
“No idea. But more importantly...does this mean he has a kid? And does his kid age? I mean...he must, right? What if he’s older than Tanner?”
“This is so strange. But Jacob is cute.”
“Good, because you’re his grandmother now.”
I was too young to be a grandmother. But Jacob really was adorable.
Tanner pulled his shirt off and sat down in one of the lounge chairs as Jacob kept talking about his drawings. But Tanner’s sculpted abs were the only art I was focused on .
“Let’s go find out if you have a son or a daughter.” Chastity looped her arm through mine and pulled me toward the whiteboard.
“Chastain,” Nigel said to Chastity and glared at her.
“Nigella,” she said back.
“That’s not my name,” Nigel mumbled.
Chastity ignored him and turned to Tanner. “So...you have a child?”
“This is my grandson, Jacob. Like I said earlier.” He stared at her like she was being weird.
And normally Chastity was being weird, but this time Tanner was the one being weird.
Chastity shook her head and turned to Jacob. “Jacob?”
“Yessie?”
“Who are your parents?”
“My mommy’s name is Mommy. And my daddy isn’t here anymore. He’s in the sky.”
It felt like someone’s hand wrapped around my heart and squeezed it. Tears tickled the corners of my eyes. This poor kid. And did that mean Tanner’s son was dead?
“Hey, come here,” Tanner said.
Jacob ran into his arms.
Tanner held him tight for a moment as I did my best to blink away my tears. Tanner kissed the top of Jacob’s head and pulled back. “But you have some new members of your family, right?”
“Yessie. You. And Mr. Nigel.”
Tanner smiled. “Besides us.”
“I have my coach. And the new baby.”
“And we all love you very much.”
Jacob nodded. And a devious little smile spread across his face. “Does that mean we can go to your castle now?”
Tanner laughed and set Jacob back down on the ground. “Jacob is used to being my only company. Later, little man. I promise. I just have a bit of work I need to do first.”
“Okay.” Jacob smiled.
“Speaking of which, we really should get started,” said Tanner.
“Come with me, Mr. Jacob,” said Nigel. “We’re going to go play in the pool. The adults need to do their work.”
Did Nigel not consider himself an adult?
The two of them wandered off.
“I’m so confused,” I said. “You’re able to have children?”
“Who are Jacob’s parents?” Chastity said at the exact same time.
“Brooklyn and Miller,” said Tanner. He shook his head. “Well, now Matt has stepped up to the plate to raise the sweet little guy.”
No. Matt and Brooklyn? As in Matthew and Brooklyn Caldwell?!
“ You’re Matt’s daddy?” Chastity asked.
I’d went on a date with Tanner’s son?! And that wasn’t even the worst of it. I’d also mutilated his penis! It was tempting to fling myself off the side of the infinity pool.
“Good heavens, no,” said Tanner with a laugh. “I can’t have sex. How do you expect me to have children?” He laughed again. “When Jacob met me, he could tell I was an old soul. And he wasn’t on speaking terms with his actual living grandfather. So I kind of adopted the role. And it stuck.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, that’s very cute. And he knows you’re a genie?”
“No, not exactly. You see...children believe in magic for a time. And as they age, it slowly goes away. For at least a while, it’s safe for Jacob to see it all.” He gestured around his island. “Even though Jacob can tell it’s real right now, his parents just think we play make-believe. And one day, Jacob will think it was all make-believe too. I’ll hate the day all this has to come to an end. It’s been nice getting to share it with someone.” He smiled at me. “But I guess I’ll get to keep sharing it with you.”
“Totes adorbs,” said Chastity. “We’re excited to share this with you too. And I do promise not to tell a soul.”
Tanner nodded.
“Well, now that we know Ash isn’t Matt’s new mommy, should we get started?” Chastity sat down in a lounge chair. “We have dates to plan.”
“Maybe you should let us know about the current process and success rates?” I asked.
“Sure,” said Tanner. “So there are a few ways to find perfect matches through the Society. First up is the wishes people make when they join. Each member gets three to start with...”
“Wait,” said Chastity. “I thought those were just wishes? What do they have to do with finding love?”
“They have everything to do with it,” said Tanner. “We take the wishes and turn them into fantasy dates. For example, Ash wished for a bunch of shoes. And we got to shop at Odegaard together.” He smiled at me.
I definitely remembered that date. He’d made me feel so desired when I modeled for him. We’d made out and gotten so caught up in each other that we’d broken a shelf. The date was definitely successful. I’d already been in love with him since I’d been stalking him. I shook away the thought. I meant he’d already been in love with me , since he was the dirty stalker.
I wrote WISHES on the board. “Yeah, the dates are pretty great at pushing people toward love, I guess. How often do the wishes lead to true love?”
“The success rate for people finding true love as a direct result of their wishes is...about 93 out of 10,000.”
What in the hell? He must have seen my face, because he kept going.
“But it’s getting better. Destiny uses an algorithm that analyzes over 200 variables to find the perfect match. Each time she finds true love, the matching gets even better.”
Huh. I wondered who the algorithm matched me with? Was it Tanner? I nodded. It was probably Tanner. We’d gone on so many dates together. And we were definitely a perfect match, flaming genie penis aside.
“And then we have the Hallway of Love. That’s great for matches.”
“Is that the sex hallway at Club Onyx?” asked Chastity.
I laughed and wrote SEX HALLWAY on the board .
Tanner laughed too. “I guess you could call it that. Either way, since we acquired Club Onyx five years ago, we’ve had an average of 26 rooms in service. And they’re usually active about four nights a week depending on events...” He got up and started doing the math on the board.
“Which equates to 27,040 dates,” said Chastity, before Tanner had barely written two numbers on the board.
I’d forgotten how crazy good she was at math.
Tanner looked impressed. He tossed the marker back onto the ledge. “Exactly. I don’t remember the success rate of that off the top of my head. But it’s decent. Then we also have flirting as an avenue toward matches. Tons of people flirt at Club Onyx and other Society events, and that has led to 70 matches.”
Flirting didn’t seem like a very concrete method, but I added it to the board too.
“The Emerald Oasis has been quite successful. Everyone loves the fun outdoorsy vibes. It’s nostalgic. It already has 20 matches, and people spend comparatively little time there.”
That was decent. I added EMERALD OASIS to the board.
“Speaking of the Emerald Oasis, Kat sent me her security footage. Destiny analyzed it and said that there was no evidence that someone hacked into the server to edit the photo.”
I just stared at him. Oh my God. Did he just bring us to his private island to murder us?! I cleared my throat. “So...you were there with Rosalie? ”
“No.” He laughed. “Of course not. Kat’s security footage only went back a month. So that’s probably a dead end. But I’ve been thinking about it more. There was probably someone standing where I got edited into those photos. So we just need to ask some of the members in the photo if they remember who was standing there with Rosalie. If we can get an answer, that’s probably our kidnapper.”
“Huh. Good thought. Can you just send out an alert to all members or something?”
“I could. But I’d rather find a discrete way to do it. We don’t want the kidnapper to know we’re onto them.”
Jacob walked up to Tanner.
I hadn’t even seen him come out of the pool.
Tanner grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his shoulders.
“Kidnappers?” Jacob asked. “Like what we did with mommy that time?”
Say what?
Tanner laughed. “It was a bachelor party thing. You had to be there.”
I had so many questions.
Tanner cleared his throat. “But we better change the topic back to matchmaking. PG please. Or tell the boy to use earmuffs.”
“What?”
“Like this. Earmuffs, Jacob.”
Jacob threw his hands over his ears.
I smiled.
Tanner gave him a thumbs up and Jacob dropped his hands .
“Well, if I’m reading these numbers correctly…all of your methods are terrible,” said Chastity. “We need to change things up ASAP or you’ll never get that...um...” her voice trailed off. “I’m bad at PG.”
Jacob smiled up at her.
“What do the two of you propose then?” asked Tanner.
“The castle!” Jacob said.
“A little later, grandson.” Tanner winked at him.
“Using an algorithm to find love is crazy,” I said. “It’s all about the human connection.” I drew a big red X across all the different methods he currently used. “We just need to see some pictures of members and I’ll match them.”
“On it!” Nigel yelled and climbed out of the pool. He ran inside, dripping water everywhere. A second later the fax machine whirred to life and started spitting out black and white pictures of members.
That was actually very helpful. I grabbed a few magnets and started putting the pictures up on the whiteboard. I moved them around until I found one match that I felt really good about. “There.” I jabbed the two pictures with my index finger. “They’d be perfect.”
Tanner laughed. “Those two people hate each other.”
“Maybe it’s an enemies to lovers situation,” said Chastity. “Crap, is lovers okay? Do you know what lovers are?”
Jacob shrugged. “I love my mommy. And I love my friend Scarlett.”
“Okay, good.” She laughed awkwardly .
“Trust me, they’re not a good match,” said Tanner.
“Let me try,” said Chastity.
“Suit yourself.” I sat down and she got up.
She undid her sarong and walked up to the board. And her ass was completely out. Ah! The back of her swimsuit was hardly there. I thought she’d dressed modestly so Nigel wouldn’t stare or something? What the heck? There was a child here!
But Jacob had moved to the other side of the board and started drawing again. He didn’t seem to notice Chastity’s ass everywhere. Phew.
“We just need to match people by hotness,” she said. “Like Zico.” She held up a picture of the soccer player we met earlier. “He’d be perfect for…”
I leaned forward, waiting to see who she’d pick.
Chastity found a picture of a girl with huge tits and long dark hair. She put the picture right next to Zico’s.
I waited for Tanner to say something. When he didn’t, I turned toward him. He was staring right at my breasts. I looked down. When I’d leaned forward, my baggy t-shirt had shifted. You could see the top of my breast where Zico had signed it.
“What is that?” he asked.
I slapped my hand over my boob. “Nothing.”
“No, it says something. Did you get a tattoo?”
“Never. I’m scared of needles and diseases. And humans holding needles carrying diseases.”
“Zico signed her earlier,” said Chastity. “She didn’t ask for it. He just did it. Confident, borderline arrogant. He’d be perfect for this chick.” She tapped the photo.
Tanner frowned and then looked at the board. “Any suitor would be better than that idiot. ”
My eyes grew round. Was Tanner jealous? “I really didn’t ask for it,” I said and adjusted my shirt so he couldn’t see the signature anymore.
He ignored me. “Besides, Fiona actually found true love a few months ago.”
“With who?” asked Chastity.
Tanner pointed to a picture of a skinny nerdy dude with glasses.
Chastity laughed. “No way. That dude? Does he have a giant...” she coughed. “Rooster or something?”
“Actually, yes,” said Tanner.
“Wait, a rooster or the other thing I meant to say?”
“The other thing.”
“Why do you know that?” I asked.
“Because Fiona kissed his rooster in the middle of Club Onyx.”
“Ew,” said Jacob and started to draw a chicken on the board. “You shouldn’t kiss roosters.”
“Agreed, grandson.”
Chastity sighed. “God I love the Society. By the way, do you have any pool boys here? I could go for a nice big rooster right now.”
“Just Nigel,” said Tanner.
“Did someone call for me?” Nigel asked and walked back out of the house. His lederhosen was still dripping.
Chastity looked horrified. “Gah! No. Maybe we should go to the Society to do more brainstorming. Seeing the members in the flesh would really help us match them. And we definitely need to inspect the rooms. Speaking or which…are they all like the casino room? What happens in the handcuff room ?
Oooh good question. I wasn’t going to use that key. But I was still curious about what Dr. Lyons had planned to do to me if I did.
“I thought you two already determined that the rooms aren’t an effective method for finding love?” Tanner pointed to the big red X I’d drawn through SEX HALLWAY.
Ah! Why had I written it that way? I looked over at Jacob, but he was still drawing roosters. And the words were already crossed out. “They are ineffective,” I said. “But I’m still curious...”
Tanner smiled at me. “How about this. Free me from my curse, and I’ll take you to any room you’d like. After seeing how much you enjoyed watching Chastity get spit roasted, I have a feeling you’d especially like the pitchfork room. And you’ll never remember another soul signing your body.”
I swallowed hard. What in the world was a pitchfork room?!
“What’s spit roasted?” Jacob asked.
“It’s when you roast a pig over an open fire,” Tanner said, without missing a beat.
And technically that was true.
“I like spit roasting too,” Jacob said.
Tanner lifted his hand and Jacob high fived him.
I rolled my eyes.
Jacob started to draw a pig on the board.
Chasity waggled her eyebrows at me. “You liked watching me, huh?” she whispered. “You little freak.”
I needed to change the subject immediately. And all this perverted talk had made me realize what was wrong with Tanner’s matchmaking .
“I figured it out!” I jumped to my feet. “Despite what your lamp says, love isn’t all about hooking up. You need to come up with romantic dates to make people fall in love. Like a magical night in Paris. Just picture it! Walking along the Seine. Kissing underneath the Eiffel Tower.”
Tanner smiled.
“And then getting Eiffel Towered ,” said Chastity with a laugh.
No. That was basically the same as getting spit roasted. And it wasn’t romantic. “Listening to music from a street performer under the moonlight. Stopping to dance even though no one else is dancing. That kind of thing.” I could picture the night perfectly.
“Oui,” Nigel said.
I jumped. I hadn’t realized he’d walked back over to us.
“A magical night in Paris,” Nigel said. “The most beautiful city in the world. Right, Jacob?”
Jacob shrugged. “If you say so, Mr. Nigel.”
“It’s a great idea, Ash,” said Tanner. “Really. It sounds wonderful.”
I smiled.
“But it’s going to take way too long. The set up alone would be quite a chore. And then getting one couple at a time to partake...”
Chastity started to do the math on the board. “Yeah, it’ll still take like 20 years.”
I sighed. I didn’t want to wait 20 years for my forever. “What about speed dating in Paris?”
“That could work,” said Tanner. “Although speed dating doesn’t usually end in...roosters coming out. ”
Jacob turned around. “I don’t want to talk about roosters anymore. Can we puhleeeease go to your castle to ride the rollycoaster now, Abuelo?”
“Ah!” I yelled. “Jacob! You mini-genius! That’s it! I have the perfect idea.” It was like sexy speed dating in Paris, but with rollycoasters. Or is it rollercoasters? I didn’t know anymore. “How quickly can we set up a grand event?”
“I can have anything you want ready in 24 hours,” said Nigel. “But I have some scheduled time off tomorrow, so give me until Thursday. Just fax me whatever you need and it shall be done.”
Amazing. This weird little man was starting to grow on me. “You’re the best.”
Nigel smiled. “Really? Say it again.”
Well, now I didn’t want to. But he was staring at me so eagerly. “You’re the best,” I said with way less enthusiasm.
He beamed.
And for some reason I patted the top of his head.
“What’s your idea?” asked Tanner.
“Just you wait for it.”
“At least give me a hint.”
I tried to think of good PG hint. “There’s going to be some schlongin’ in the sandos!” What the hell did I just say?
Tanner looked very confused.
And Nigel pulled out a notepad and started taking notes.
No! Don’t write that down! I wasn’t even sure what I meant by it. I mean...yeah...I was picturing dicks in sandwich buns, but he needed more context than that .
Whatever. It didn’t even matter. I’d write it all out for Nigel and figure out how to use tech from the 80s. Thursday was going to be epic. And by Friday, Tanner’s dick would be mine.