Chapter 16 – Habib the Benevolent
Saturday – September 30, 2023
Ash
Chastity made a grossed out face as she shifted in her seat.
“Are you worried about being late too?” I asked and checked my watch for the millionth time. Tanner had successfully calmed me down from my carnival disaster. But I was bad at matchmaking. And honestly, he was bad at it too. Sure he had a lot of matches, but he was slow at it. And I didn’t want to die before I got to have sex with him.
There was only one reasonable solution. I was crashing his hearing at the Genie Headquarters with His Majestic Whoreness Hadid the Barbarian. Or whatever his dumb name was who was keeping Tanner cursed for something he’d done almost 350 years ago. I was going to plead Tanner’s case to his Magical Holiness. So we were on a plane to Morocco. And we needed to be there by 7 sharp or we’d miss the hearing.
“No, I’m not worried about being late,” said Chastity. “These seats are just soooo uncomfortable. Are they made out of a different material than first class?”
I stared at her. “Are the coach seats a different material than the first class seats? How should I know?”
“We should have taken Daddy’s fun jet.”
“I wish. Maybe if we were still in college. ”
“Right.” Chastity cleared her throat. “I meant if we were teens or whatevs. Back in the good old days. Because Daddy and I are so poor now. Boo. For an airline called Royal Air, I would have expected more of a royal treatment, you know?”
I shrugged. The tickets were almost $1,500 round trip. And now I was wondering if the material of this seat was different too. This didn’t feel like $1,500 worth of seat cushioning.
“Anywho...” said Chastity. “Did Frankie’s booth give you any leads about Rosalie’s violent lover?”
“No. Frankie said no one had correctly identified any of the missing people. Which meant none of them would have given a correct answer about who had been standing in Tanner’s spot. But it was strange. She said a few people stopped by the booth who were actually in the photo, but they didn’t remember being there. So maybe the whole photo was a fake?”
“Maybe.”
“Gah. The whole event was a failure. We got no information on Rosalie and not a single match. Not one. How is that even possible?” I’d literally seen two people having sex on the Ferris wheel. Couldn’t they have at least been true love? I’d certainly loved what Tanner had done to me while we watched them...
“Well I had a blast at the carnival orgy.”
I really hated how that was how everyone referred to it now.
“I can see why you wanted to take a girls’ trip though. Tons of foreign dick always makes me feel better too. Especially Berber dick. I’ve heard they’re HUGE. ”
She’d always had a thing for Berber dick. And I had no idea if she’d ever actually seen one before. Besides...this wasn’t about random D! “For the millionth time. This isn’t a girls’ trip. We’re going to Tanner’s hearing at the genie council. I’m going to convince them to release him from his geniehood early.”
“Do you even know what Tanner did to get turned into a genie?”
“Um...no.” We hadn’t talked about that yet. Or had he mentioned it when he first told me? When I’d thought it was a joke? I couldn’t remember. “But it can’t have been that bad. His punishment is all about him learning about true love, right? So once they hear that he’s found love with me, I’m sure they’ll release him.”
“That logic is sound. You’ve got this. But back to the main reason for this plane ride. We’re still two girls going on a girls’ trip. So whoever sucks the most dick doesn’t have to pay. Which is good, because I think it’s going to be me and I’m so broke. I can’t wait to see what bikini you have on under that moomoo.” Chastity was dressed in drapey white fabric that covered quite a bit of her skin. And I was basically in the same thing. Just...frumpier.
I looked down at my outfit. “It’s a sweatshirt. And I’m not wearing a bikini under it.” I was dressed comfortably for travel. And also dressed in a lot of clothing, because after a quick bit of research I knew I couldn’t show much skin in Morocco without going to prison for the rest of my life. Or getting a hand removed or something .
“Oh wow. You’re just full nude under there? I love it.”
“No! Please don’t get us arrested in Morocco.”
Chastity laughed like she didn’t value her left hand. “If we get arrested, the worst that’ll happen is we’ll have to blow a few officers. Speaking of sucking dick, I think I’m gonna go blow the pilot so we can move up to first class. I can’t stand this material under my skin.”
“Please don’t do that.” He’d probably turn the plane around for assault. And I was on a tight timeline here.
“Oh. Did you have dibs on him?”
“No! I’m dating Tanner.”
“Mhmmm. Sure. Wake me up when you’ve gotten us an upgrade.” She winked at me and put an eye mask on.
I did not blow the pilot. And to Chastity’s horror, I didn’t blow the train conductor either as we traveled from Casablanca to Meknes. Now we were roaming through dark narrow streets trying to find the royal palace via Google Maps. I looked up when I heard some men shouting. The narrow streets had opened into a large area full of tables and lots of palm trees. We’d stumbled upon a bazaar. I glanced at a table full of spices and two men loudly bartering. There wasn’t a bazaar on the map...
“Oh, we should find a spa!” said Chastity. “I want to see if what Handsy Hassan did to me was authentic or not.”
“Chastity, we don’t have time. We’re going to be late! It’s already 6:50 and this bazaar came out of nowhere. I don’t see it on the map. Do you see this on the map?!”
“Deep breaths. We’ll get you a massage after.” Chastity grabbed my phone. “This way.” She walked past the two men shouting.
I hurried after her. After a few more twists and turns through the narrow streets, the royal palace appeared before us. It looked like a castle. Although the castles in my head usually didn’t have palm trees out front.
We strode through the main entrance into a courtyard. But my hopes were dashed as I walked up to a closed door. I stared at the sign in horror. “Closed for renovations?! How can it be closed?!”
“They’ve been trying to restore the palace ever since it was destroyed in an earthquake in 1755.”
“What? Why do you know that? And it can’t be destroyed, the hearing is here. Or are we lost? What kind of address is VCPW+W65, Meknes, Morocco?! I’m going to be late and I don’t even know where my destination is!”
“It’s fine,” said Chastity. “You’re just going to the wrong entrance.” She walked over to a well.
“What the fuck are you talking about right now?!”
She laughed. “You only ever pull out the big curse words when you’re very agitated. Seriously, don’t worry, we’ll get handsy with a masseur later.”
“I’m not letting a stranger touch me, and I’m not going to crawl into that gutter.”
“It’s a well. Nigel told me all about it when we were eating pizza. You have to go down the well to get to the genie headquarters. ”
“Oh.”
“Follow me.” She stepped up onto the side of the well and then stepped down into it.
I looked over the edge. There was a spiral staircase inside. Thank God for Nigel. I quickly followed Chastity down the stairs into the well. There were beautiful blue tiles on the walls. But I was very distracted because we were somehow suddenly walking back up the stairs?
“Did we make a wrong turn?” I asked. Even though it didn’t seem like there was a turn to make.
“Nope.”
We kept climbing until we reached the top. And when we climbed out of the well, we were back in the courtyard. But it looked completely different. Wow . The palace was stunning. Instead of crumbling tan walls, the walls were now bright white with colorful accents. And everything was in perfect condition. There were palm trees and flowers and gold decorations and flowing water everywhere. I turned in a circle. It was like the earthquake had never happened.
“Now where?” I asked.
“No idea…let’s ask that guard. If I’m not mistaken, he’s a Tuareg.” She pointed to a guard whose face was covered by a blue turban. He was totally jacked and wearing a blue military vest and blue harem pants. And he was carrying an AK47.
Yikes. “What’s a Tuareg?” I whispered.
“A special group of Berbers. Their blue robes dye their skin blue. And they have huge cocks.”
I was more concerned about his huge gun than his huge cock .
But Chastity strutted right up to him. “Can you please direct me to the throne room?”
He lowered his eyebrows. “If you belonged here, you wouldn’t be asking me that.”
“Of course we belong here.” Chastity flipped some hair over her shoulder.
“So you’re genies? In that case, show me some magic.”
Oh shit.
“I can’t do magic,” said Chastity. She stepped closer to him. “But I have been told I have a magical pussy.” She pulled on the white fabric of her wrap dress. The fabric slowly fell away, puddling at her feet. All that remained was the bikini she’d been wearing underneath and her sky high heels. “I can make all your darkest desires come true.” She put her index finger in the center of his chest and slowly slid it down his abs. “Wanna test it out?”
The front of his harem pants started to rise.
Chastity really was magical.
He dropped his gun and stepped towards her.
Chastity shooed me off. “Go,” she whispered and winked at me.
Thank you, Chastity and your odd love for Berber dick! I didn’t need to be told twice. I was already running late. Wait, what? No! God I hate being late. I started sprinting around the palace. My greatest fear was coming true. And of all the times to be late... This was really important.
I heard voices up ahead and picked up my pace. I stumbled into a grand throne room. There were huge white pillars. Everything was gold, blue, and white. Even the ceiling had blue tiles. There was a raised platform for the genie council. It consisted of five people all sitting on cushions. There was an ancient looking man in the middle decked out in white robes and a white turban. He had the longest, twirliest beard I’d ever seen. He had to be Hagig the Bumpkin. Fine. I knew his name was Habib the Benevolent. But I hated him.
He was flanked by three other old dudes and a stunning woman in a multicolored belly dancer outfit.
Nigel was sitting at a table facing the council. Wait. Is Nigel Tanner’s lawyer too? How many roles did that little man play?
Tanner was sitting in the witness box. I swallowed hard when I saw him. It felt like we were standing in a modern-day courthouse. Only the stakes were a million times worse. Because a lifetime sentence for Tanner was a hell of a lot longer than a lifetime sentence for a normal criminal.
A man in a purple fez and purple vest was questioning him. I squinted to get a better look. I’d seen him before. I think. At the time I’d thought it was Nigel dressed funny. But I was pretty sure this was the guy I’d seen at the Emerald Oasis. Was it Ghazi? Tanner’s overseer?
“Do you admit to using magic to interfere in a mortal athletic competition?” Ghazi asked.
Tanner didn’t respond.
I looked back at the witness box and Tanner was staring directly at me. He looked completely shocked to see me .
He cleared his throat. “Sorry, can you repeat the question?”
“Do you admit to using magic to interfere in a mortal athletic competition?”
“It was just a sack race at a summer camp.”
Ghazi shook his head. “Was it an athletic competition?”
Tanner shrugged. “Technically yes.”
“Was it between mortals?”
“Yes. But clearly the rule is meant to apply to big events. Like a cricket test match. Or an ostrich race.”
Say what? The Super Bowl probably would have been a better example. Ghazi must have been into some strange kinky ostrich things. Tanner was probably trying to appease him.
Ghazi nodded. “I rest my case.”
Habib twirled his beard around his finger. “Thank you, Ghazi. I believe we have everything we need to render our verdict.”
No. What? I hadn’t even talked yet! “Wait!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
Everyone stared at me.
Crap! I hate when people stare at me! And I hate public speaking even more! Gah! Why were all my least favorite things in the world happening today? It was tempting to turn around and run in the opposite direction. But this was important. I cringed.
“And you are?” said Habib from his cushion.
I took a deep breath. “I’m a friend of Tanner’s.”
“And why should be you be allowed to speak on this matter? What does a mortal such as yourself know of magic? ”
How did he know that I’m mortal? Oh. It was probably the sweatshirt. I hated that I was so basic that he could tell I wasn’t magical.
“I think we should let her speak,” said the beautiful woman in the belly dancer outfit.
Thank you, gorgeous stranger!
“Very well.” Habib nodded. “What do you have to add to this matter?”
My argument was bulletproof. Any jury would agree. But...there was no jury. Stop thinking about modern-day trials! “Tanner’s punishment as a genie is meant to teach him about true love, yes?”
“It is,” said Habib. “And I can’t say I’m impressed with his progress. He’s only made 421 matches in over 300 years.”
“Sure, he may have gotten off to a slow start. But now he’s started the Society and is helping people find love every day. But more importantly, he loves me for exactly who I am. And that’s difficult to do. Because I’m weird as hell.” Eek. I hadn’t meant to word it that way. And I probably shouldn’t have cursed in front of his excellence. But they got the point.
The beautiful woman sat up a little more. She seemed interested in what I had to say. Hopefully she held a lot of power in this council.
I focused on her because it seemed like she might be able to fight for me. “I’m asking you to free Tanner from his curse. Whatever his crime, 300 years of torture has been more than enough. He’s a good man. He’s learned his lesson. I'm sure of it.”
There was a creaking noise behind me .
I turned around to see Chastity sneak into the throne room. Her hair was disheveled and her lips were blue. She gave me a thumbs up.
I turned back around and stared at Habib’s shocked face. Could he tell what she’d just done to his the Tuareg guard?
Habib shook his head and looked back at me. “So Tanner comes here accused of violating section 8.3 of the Genie Penal Code for interference in a mortal athletic competition. And you want us to reward him by freeing him from his curse? I may be Habib the Benevolent, but that’s too benevolent even for me.”
“But...”
Habib put up his hand up to stop me from talking.
How had I gotten this so wrong? “Please...”
“I think we should do as she requests,” the beautiful woman said.
Really? Ah! Thank you, you gorgeous savoir!
She nodded. “I move that we release Tanner from his obligation to help 1001 women find love.”
Oh my God! Yes! I love you!
“Instead, he should only have to help one woman find love.”
Ah! One is so much better than 1001!
The woman smiled. But it suddenly looked cruel. “Yes, just one woman. Her.” She pointed at me.
Huh? It took me a second to process her words. Tanner had to help me find love? “No, wait…”
“All in favor of this proposal?” said Habib.
Everyone in the council agreed.
No.
Habib raised his gavel .
Nigel jumped up from the defendant table. “Can you please clarify this ruling? Tanner will be free as soon as he helps Miss Cooper find love?”
“Yes.”
“So when Cooper appears on his lamp, Tanner will be free?”
“I just said yes.”
No.
“And what of Tanner’s magic?” asked Nigel.
“His magic shall be restored, with close supervision by Ghazi. But be warned: We’ve equipped DODO with special zappers that add new curses to any genie they catch. Court adjourned.” Habib hit the gavel. And then he snapped his fingers and the entire council disappeared.
“What just happened?” I said. “Who was that bitch?”
Tanner slowly stood up from the witness box. He was frozen to look the same age. But the weight he was carrying on his shoulders made him look about 300 years old for second. He looked so defeated. “That was Princess Karima. The woman I was supposed to marry.”
Marry? What? A memory dropped back into place in my head. Princess Karima. Oh no. I remembered that name now. Back when I thought he was a vampire, he’d told me he was caught being unfaithful to Princess Karima. That’s why he was sentenced to be a genie. “But...” my voice trailed off. “How is she even still alive?!”
Tanner slowly closed the distance between us. “She convinced the council to turn her into a genie so she could personally ensure that my punishment was carried out.”
What kind of sick twisted fuckery was this?! “Okay, well...what happens now?”
Tanner pressed his lips together as he stared at me. The pain on his face was palpable. “I have to help you find true love.”
“But I’ve found true love,” I said. “With you.”
He shook his head. “You can’t love a genie.”
“Of course I can. I do. I love you.”
He shook his head again.
“Yes, I do. Check your lamp. Maybe I’m already on it. Where is it? Do you have it in your pocket?” I reached toward his suit pants.
“No.” He grabbed my hand to stop me. “I have to make mortal matches. Your soulmate is out there, Ash. And it’s not me.”
“Of course it’s you.”
He pulled me into a hug.
No. I felt tears welling in my eyes. This can’t be happening. What had I done?
Tanner held me tighter. Like this was the last moment he ever could.
The tears quickly started pouring down my cheeks. “But I love you.”
“I love you too,” he whispered in my ear.
Hearing those words should have been amazing. But it felt like he’d stabbed my heart with a knife. So what did this mean? Did I have to give him up? I didn’t want to. I couldn’t .
“So let me get this straight,” said Chastity. “Ash has to bang tons of dudes until she happens to bang one who could be her true love?”
Noooo. That was my worst nightmare. Too many diseases. Too many cocks. Just too much everything. I knew she was trying to find a positive spin on this, but this was the worst fucking day of my life! I was late, I had to speak in public, and I’d make my cursed boyfriend have to match me with someone else even though I loved him.
“Ah! This is gonna be so fun.” She clapped. “Where should we start? Should I go find that guard? I don’t want to spoil the surprise…but let’s just say that the rumors I’ve heard about Tuaregs are definitely true. And their clothes really do dye their skin blue. Check out the blue dye his cock left on my lips. #BigDickBlue.”
I don’t want blue lips!
“No,” said Tanner firmly.
I pulled back to look up at him.
No? What did he mean by that? Did I not have to sex the whole palace and stain my lips?
“No,” he said again. “We’re going back to New York.” He snapped his fingers and magically teleported us back to his apartment.