Chapter 4
VANESSA
I sag against the door as it clicks shut behind me.
I’m exhausted, and I don’t just mean a little.
No, it’s that grogginess you get after you stay up too late until the sun is cresting the horizon.
When you’re so sleepy you get the chills.
When you’re so tired you could fall asleep mid-conversation and have no regrets.
That’s what I feel like right now, and my cross-country trip is only part of the reason.
Gavin is here. How in the world is Gavin here ? In Seattle? And why is he in my brother’s house?
Logically, I know why. There’s no other reason why . I just don’t want it to be true.
I pretended not to remember him. It killed me, but I couldn’t risk Reed knowing.
How could I convince him to let me stay here if he knew I know his teammate…
intimately ? And how the hell am I going to go back out there and pretend some more?
How am I going to act like Gavin is a stranger, especially when I know his lips taste like scotch and his hands feel like heaven?
Because I remember him. Of course I do. Every detail, from our meeting at the bar and how he looked at me like I was the only girl in the room to him asking me to leave and me saying yes. Our time in the hotel. The way he kissed me…touched me…I remember it all. Every damn part of it.
Even the one where I walked away.
I squeeze my eyes shut and bounce my head off the door. Maybe if I hit hard enough, I can forget all my awful mistakes, like walking away from him without a way to get in touch. Or I can forget why I came to Seattle in the first place. Now that would be a treat.
I’m not sure I even meant to come here. I just wanted to get away from New York and everything awful there. I got on my phone and booked a flight to the first place I could think of. Now, here I am, with no plan, no place to go, and a brother who is pissed I’m in his house.
I move to the sink, wash my hands, and try hard not to look into the mirror.
I don’t need to see how lifeless my eyes are or how messy my hair looks.
I already know I look haggard. I just really wish it wasn’t happening in front of Gavin.
The last time he saw me, I was dressed to the nines and to impress, not looking like a shell of myself.
I still can’t believe he’s here. How, after all this time, is he in the last place I expected him to be?
How is he here, where I ran to for a fresh start?
And how does he still look so damn good?
Those hazel eyes of his…his long, thick legs…
His strong arms and hands made me feel alive for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
He looks good. Too good. Especially for someone I can’t have, and not just because it’s far too soon after my divorce to try the whole finding-true-love thing again.
Reed already hates me. I can’t add to that by starting something with his teammate.
Not that I planned to. I don’t want to start anything with anyone. I still need time. The wounds…they’re still much too fresh to even think about something serious. Right now, I need to focus on me, and that’s it—no other distractions. Just getting back to the Vanessa I was before this whole mess.
I splash cold water on my face, using the hand towel to pat it dry.
I dare a quick glance at the mirror just to make sure my hair isn’t too ragged, and I’m shocked by what I see.
I look rough . No, worse than rough. Like I haven’t slept in months and haven’t eaten in just as long.
My eyes are sunken in, I don’t remember the last time I actually did something with my hair other than throw it into a messy bun, and I’m rapidly working on being mistaken for Casper the Friendly Ghost.
I can’t believe Gavin recognized me. I barely recognize myself. Maybe this move will be what I need to get back to where I was before I met Neal and lost myself, before I got married. Before I got divorced.
Before I found out that— No.
I push the thought from my mind. I don’t need to spiral right now, not while standing in Reed’s guest bathroom with him and his fiancée close by. I tuck away all the bad thoughts, roll my shoulders back, and open the door.
I hear my brother before I see him.
“What the fuck is she doing here, Mom?”
I’m not sure if I should laugh or not. Reed called his mother to find out why I’m here instead of just asking me. Does he hate me that much?
There’s a long pause, and I’m sure it’s Angie trying to diffuse the situation as best as she can.
She’s always tried to be the peacekeeper between us since she and my father got married.
Sometimes I wonder if that’s why Reed hates me so much.
I was the baggage that came with my father, and I wonder if he felt like we were trying to replace the family he lost.
It’s clear now that I was a fool to come running here. I should have stayed in New York, where everyone whispers about me behind my back.
“But why does she need to ‘find herself’ here ? In Seattle? At my house ?”
Because I have nowhere else to go, and I was hoping my brother would have my back , I want to say, but I keep my mouth shut.
“Yes, I know she’s my—I wasn’t going to say evil! I was just going to say step sister.”
Ah, yes. Always adding the step in there, just to rub it in my face that we aren’t really family in his eyes. I get it—he was grown and already in the NHL when our parents met. But he wasn’t around to see their love blossom, to watch two broken people find each other and heal. He missed all that.
I didn’t. I saw it all. I was there. We’re family, and Angie feels like my family just as much as he does.
“Fine.” He sighs. “But, Mom, Auden’s due any day now. We have a baby coming. I can’t…I can’t babysit her, all right? I can’t be her caretaker. If she’s really here to figure her life out, she needs to figure it out. I can’t do it for her.”
He isn’t wrong, but it doesn’t mean his words hurt any less. It’s nothing I haven’t been telling myself, though. It’s why I’m here: to figure my life out on my own for the first time. I just need a little help to get me started.
I know I should have thought this through more, but thinking was sort of the last thing on my mind in the moment. I just needed gone, and I needed gone fast, so Seattle it was. I knew someone here. I had a place to go. I wouldn’t be alone.
But now, as I step closer to the kitchen and look at Reed’s face as he ends the call with his mother, I’m beginning to believe I was mistaken on that.
Springing this on him wasn’t the best idea, but I didn’t tell anyone about this trip aside from my dad and Angie, and that’s only because my dad needed to hire a new assistant with me leaving.
My brother pinches the bridge of his nose as his fiancée comes around the island to rub his tense shoulders. It’s real moments like this that almost make me forget she’s a billionaire who was once a powerhouse in the hotel industry. She’s so down to earth. So…normal.
“You okay?” Auden asks.
He shakes his head. “No, I’m pissed as fuck. What does she think she’s doing, just showing up here? We’re about to have a baby , Auden.”
“She’s looking for help, Reed.”
“From me ?”
Me comes out incredulously, and I can’t entirely blame him.
We haven’t exactly had the best relationship through the years.
We’ve fought more than we’ve gotten along and have ignored each other even more.
I know he calls me his evil stepsister and all, but I didn’t think that meant he wouldn’t help me if I ever came to him for it.
I guess I was wrong.
“Yes, you . You’re her brother. And don’t you dare put step in front of that word,” she says as he opens his mouth, likely to do just that. “You’re supposed to be there for her, no matter what.”
“Since when did you become Team Vanessa? I thought you didn’t like her.”
“Hey, I like her.”
“You called her mean and vindictive the first time you met her.”
“To be fair, I didn’t know she had been cheated on by her husband.
None of us did. All she talked about was wanting revenge, not the why.
We had no idea what she was going through.
Now, though…” She shrugs. “I get it. I would have been the same way, and that jerk deserved to lose everything after what he did to her.”
I grin. She’s right that Neal deserved it, but he didn’t lose everything.
“That’s fair,” Reed says, dragging me back to the present. “I guess I just don’t understand why me. We don’t even like each other.”
“Maybe that’s exactly why you. Maybe what she needs right now is to get away from everything in New York, from all the people who judge her and expect certain things from her. Maybe she needs someone who won’t coddle her. Maybe she needs her evil stepbrother.”
How she knows better than anyone else what it is I’m looking for, I have no idea, but Auden is right. That’s precisely why I came to Seattle—though I’m not sure I even knew it until now.
I clear my throat, stepping out of the shadows and fully into the expansive yet still somehow cozy kitchen. Reed whips his head my way, but Auden looks unsurprised to see me. I wonder if she knew I was there all along.
I blow out a shaky breath and give my older brother a soft smile.
“I know we haven’t always gotten along in the past. I was a young, bratty teen, and well, okay, a pretty shitty early twenty-something too.
But I’m…” I take another steadying breath, already hating admitting this next part.
“I’m not exactly doing okay right now. I’m struggling, and I need somewhere to stay while I get back on my feet and figure out the rest of my life.
Not long-term, I promise. I don’t want to interrupt the amazing life you’ve built here.
I just…” I sigh. “I’m feeling lost, you know?
What happened in New York… It was a lot, and I’d like to find a place to heal.
A place to learn who I am now. A place I can feel safe.
This was the first one that came to mind, but if you don’t have the room or mental bandwidth given everything going on, I understand. Just tell me to go and I’ll go. I’ll?—”
“Stay,” Auden says, stepping forward. She takes my hands in hers, squeezing them tightly, her eyes brimming with tears. “You’ll stay. That’s what you’ll do. Right, Reed?”
She peeks back at her future husband, but he isn’t looking at her.
He’s staring right at me, lips slightly parted, head tilted to the side.
It feels like he’s looking at me for the first time, and I’m unsure how I feel about that for so many reasons, number one being I don’t even know who I am right now.
Slowly, he rights his head, then finally nods. “You’ll stay.”
“Are you sure?”
He folds his arms over his chest. “I’m sure.”
Relief floods me instantly. A bit of the weight on my shoulders relents, and I don’t feel as tired as I did just a few minutes ago.
“But…” he says, and I hold my breath. “The baby is coming very soon. We…” He runs his hand over his jaw, reminding me so much of Gavin that I have to force myself not to look away.
“We have a family we’re building here, Van.
I know you’re going through a lot. Just because you’re divorced, it doesn’t mean you’re automatically healed.
Trust me, I know a bit about healing from heartbreak. ”
Auden gives me a sad smile, once more squeezing my hands, which she still hasn’t let go of.
“And I’m not going to put a time limit on things, but…”
“But you want me out of your house sooner rather than later?” I finish for him.
He shrugs like he’s sorry, but I know he’s not. I understand where he’s coming from. I truly do, and I don’t plan to take advantage of his kindness in the slightest. I just need something— anything —to get me through until I can figure things out.
I nod. “I hear you loud and clear, big brother.”
He narrows his eyes. “ Step brother.”
Auden huffs at him before pulling me into her arms and hugging me as best as she can with her enormous belly between us.
The gesture catches me off guard, and I’m unsure if it’s because it’s so surprising or something else.
Either way, I hug her back just as fiercely as she holds on to me, and something rattles loose inside me.
Not by much, but still. I think I needed the hug more than I realized.
“Welcome to Washington, Vanessa,” she says into my ear, and it reminds me of the way Gavin looked at me when he uttered those words. “We’ll get you back together in no time.”
Back together , she says. I doubt anyone can fix me at this point.
I feel broken beyond repair, like I’ll never be whole again no matter how much glue I use.
But I want to be. I want to be my old self again.
No, better . I want to feel like I did that night with Gavin. I want to be that person again.
I don’t want to be Vanessa, the girl who got married and separated within six months. I don’t want to be Vanessa, the girl whose heart was broken by the same man… twice . I don’t want to be Vanessa, the girl who couldn’t handle it and ran away.
I don’t want to be Vanessa at all.
I want to be Nessa, want to feel the way I did with Gavin in New York, where I was someone else. Someone better. Someone new.
That’s what I need right now, and I think Seattle is just the place to find it.