Chapter 15
CHAPTER 15
L evon
I booted up my laptop and waited as the screen loaded. While it was still black, I caught my reflection in the monitor, the demeanor on my face the one I always wore when I had just gotten up for the day. I tried to smile but quickly let it fade, noticing the circles under my eyes.
I reached for my coffee mug. “That's what this is for.”
Once my laptop had fully booted up, I scrolled over to my email folder, whistling when I saw the amount of messages sitting in my inbox. There were a dozen or so messages from my boss about a few accounts that needed to be looked over plus additional accounts. I had a good bit of work cut out for me.
I slurped my coffee and hopped to it.
As I zipped through my tasks, I let a smile linger on my lips. I could hear the birds chirping outside my window and I could feel the sun lingering through the glass, spilling over the floor and reaching my desk. I enjoyed my job. It brought me a great deal of joy to accomplish each task with ease and finesse.
I was an excellent writer and did well composing emails. I had a knack for establishing rapport quickly with people. And with my job, that stood out as a highly coveted skill. There was nothing I couldn't accomplish. Even as the tasks seemed to mount before me, I knocked them down one-by-one until only a few were left.
I tapped my desk rhythmically while staring at the email on the screen.
“Bart's father passed,” I whispered to my empty room. “That's such a shame. I feel for the guy.”
My boss wanted me to compose a letter of condolence. As much as I was a skilled communicator, I was finding it difficult to get my thoughts onto the screen.
I typed, “Bart, I have so much regret hearing the news. We admired your father here at the company and we found him to be a true delight whenever he attended our functions.”
I frowned at the sentence and shook my head.
That sounds too strong.
I erased the entire sentence and started again, using pieces of the previous sentence I had composed. After a few more words were typed out, I backspaced again. I was really hitting my head against the wall with this one. I had just written a letter of rejection to one account as they hadn't met our requirements. That felt like it was a breeze.
But this letter? It was far too emotional. And it was stirring up some of the storm that had formed about the wedding.
And about Clara.
This job is why we broke up in the first place , I reflected. I would leave for weeks at a time, making Clara feel lonelier by the day.
I sighed as I stared at the screen. It felt like the words I had typed were mocking me. All the apologies listed and the condolences were making it feel like I was writing a letter to Clara instead of Bart. And that just didn't sit well with me.
I closed the email screen. The desktop background appeared, a lovely scenic picture of my view from my hotel room when I stayed in London. The city was blanketed with fog and rain as it typically was whenever I visited. I noticed the veranda that overlooked the city. I sat forward to get a better look, studying some of the objects I could see in the room.
One of them was a picture of Clara.
That's right. I took this while we were still together.
A grim expression crossed my face. My eyes lingered to an untitled folder on my desktop, the one I had tried to hide away from the rest of the world—and from myself.
I clicked on it.
The folder opened up and revealed what I was hiding. I scrolled through a few pictures, smiling to myself as I studied the focal point of the camera.
It was Clara and me.
A knock came from the door.
I hid the folder and spun around in my chair, folding my hands behind my head as my sister walked in. “Hey, bro.”
“Hey, sis.”
“What are you up to this morning?”
I shrugged nonchalantly. “Oh, you know—the usual.”
“Work, work, work.” She held up a pot of coffee. “I thought I could top you off.”
“I see your waitressing skills have remained useful.”
She playfully smacked my arm as she stood next to the desk and refilled my coffee mug. “Hey, one of us had to get a normal job while you were off taking over the world.”
“I didn't take over the world. I just explored it.”
“And you keep exploring it.”
I sighed. “Are you still mad about the Canada trip?”
“Just a little bit. I wanted you to stick around and hang with the family. We're getting a lot of visitors that we don't often see.”
“I'll certainly consider that as reasons why I should leave faster.”
She cackled. “You're the worst.”
“But I'm your brother.”
“Yeah, I guess I have to deal with that, don't I?”
She sighed as she sat down on my bed, holding the coffee pot away from her.
I hummed thoughtfully. “Are you off today?”
“No, I took an evening shift at the shop.”
“That should be fun.”
“If worrying about the wedding while I'm serving other people coffee is your idea of fun, then I'll be having loads of it.”
“Why are you worried?”
She shrugged. “I guess I just have the bride jitters.”
“I feel like that's pretty normal.”
“Well, that's mostly comforting.”
I smiled. “Hey, it's going to be amazing. Ryan is a good guy. You did a good job picking him to be your husband.”
She returned the smile. “You're probably right about that.”
“Well, I should get back to the old warden here before he wonders why I haven't emailed him yet.”
She laughed. “Alright, Levon. Don't be a stranger. At least take a break around lunch.”
“Of course.”
When she left, I released a loud sigh.
Almost got caught , I thought nervously. I mean, it's no secret that I still love Clara. I just don't want my sister having too much ammo to tease me.
I flipped around to face my laptop again and opened the folder. I opened the first picture and scrolled slowly, smiling while staring at Clara's youthful face. She was such a gorgeous girl back then and she was even more gorgeous now.
We looked so happy . I clicked through a few more high school photos, chuckling to myself when I reached the one with us holding up pies. That was from the math festival. We recited so many digits of pi that they gave us two pieces.
The next picture was Clara and I shoving the pies in each other's faces. I laughed audibly and shook my head, wiping away a tear that had sneaked out of my left eye. I scrolled to another photo of us standing on the mound of the baseball field at our high school. I was holding up a trophy I had won that year.
I smiled wider.
She came to every single one of my games, even when she had to study. She was dedicated to me. And I was so deeply in love with her.
Another photo appeared of us sitting on the back of my old truck. We had the bed of the truck lined with pillows and blankets.
“We looked at the stars that night. I told her I loved her.”
I shook my head, scrolling through the collection on my computer. Each photo jumped from year to year. And every year, Clara looked a little less happy. The ones after college seemed be the worst of them. Her dazzling grin where she showed off her teeth had faded into a meek smile with her lips sealed shut.
It was like she was trying to hold in a scream. Worry lines appeared on my forehead as I noticed her demeanor sink with each passing picture. That was about the time I started working for this company. That was when I traveled a lot.
I scrolled through a few more before letting my head drop into my hands.
How could I have been such a fool? How could I have not seen it then?
I didn't want to look anymore. Her expression had shifted into one of pure disappointment. Any passing person might have mistaken her countenance for contentment, but I knew Clara. She had been frustrated with my long hours away from her, the days turning into weeks and occasionally months. She had put up with so much from me.
She's not glowing in these pictures, I reflected when I finally dared to look. She just doesn't have the same sparkle from the beginning of our relationship. And I'm the one who dimmed her shine.
I closed the folder.
That was enough torture for one day. Although I had wanted a distraction to help me get back to writing, I was feeling more depressed than motivated. I wanted to talk to Clara. I wanted to take all the nights back that I had wasted on the streets of Europe instead of home in her arms.
If I could have traveled back and told my younger self the result of this job, I would have changed in an instant. I liked to think that I would have sacrificed whatever I needed in order to keep Clara. Knowing what I knew now, I would have been motivated.
But I might not have changed at all. I might have driven myself mad trying to find the balance between Clara and traveling. And she had just started up her interior design business. How could I ask her to leave? She was settled here in Oklahoma and I was still wandering around the world like a lost child.
I was just trying to find my place. This job helped me determine that place, but it lost me the best years of my life. If I had held onto what we had created in high school, then maybe things would have been okay. I could have worked in an office here. I could have —
There were so many words spinning through my brain that I was getting dizzy. I grabbed my coffee mug from my desk, wandered to the door, and walked into the hallway, heading toward the balcony.
A little fresh air will give me perspective.
I greeted the late morning on the balcony, sitting between a couple of plants that my mother had placed out for some sun. I touched their leaves, their delicate green arms bending beneath my shaking fingers. I pressed my fingers into my palms and shuddered.
As I turned to look over the lawn, a pang rippled through my chest.
The only perspective I'm gaining out here is the fact that I keep denying how Clara makes me feel. I still love her—a lot. And I still want her in my life.
I frowned at my coffee.
So, what can I do to change?
I didn't want to think about leaving my job. I didn't want to consider settling back down in Checotah or leaving the clients I had picked up along the way. I had gained a great reputation in business.
Could I really toss that all away for the sake of love?
I guess people have sacrificed so much more than what I would be giving up. Is it really that big of a deal? Do I really need to have this job?
I hummed as I sipped more coffee. I decided that I wouldn't think anymore—not right now. I was going to enjoy the birds singing and the breeze kissing my cheek.
I needed it more than anything.