22. Megyn
CHAPTER 22
MEGYN
I sat in the couch in my tiny living room, listening to my father’s breathing on the other end of the line. A moment of silence passed, then two.
“Megyn?”
“I’m here,” I said. I didn’t feel as if I was there, not at all. I felt dull, numb around the edges, like I’d taken a sleeping pill or had too much to drink.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“It’s okay.”
Dad cleared his throat softly and spoke lower, as if trying not to be heard. “It’s not and I know it, but it was an unexpected thing and we didn’t have service on the islands.”
“No, no. It’s okay,” I repeated. “I bet a lot of parents go on vacations, dropping off the face of the planet, without telling their daughters about their plans.”
To think that, all this time, while I fretted about not hearing from my father, he had been off on a tropical Thailand vacation. But why was I so surprised? No one seemed to care much about anything at all except for me.
“Megyn, I’m sorry, okay? It was Crystal’s idea. The tickets were cheap and—”
“I don’t have time to talk about Crystal,” I interrupted. “I’m going out soon. Just, I’ve been waiting all this time to hear a response from you, so could I at least have that?”
Dad paused, then spoke slower. “You wanted to know if I’d like those boxes you found in the closet.”
“The cassettes. The pictures,” I prompted. I flicked a glance at the clock on the wall, ticking away its steady measure even though my heart was pounding from a dreadful mixture of aggravation and anxiety. I tasted bile in the back of my throat.
“I’m not sure Crystal would like having them around. They would just take up space.”
“I didn’t ask what Crystal wants. They aren’t hers.”
“A marriage is a partnership,” Dad reminded me.
“That means you can’t have even one thing to yourself?” I got up from the couch and paced around the living room. “Daddy, there’s so many tapes. If you don’t want them, I understand, but you can’t decide to give up on them just because of Crystal. And the photographs. You left them. You can’t… You can’t want to pretend Mom never existed, can you?”
In the background of the call, I heard Crystal. “Who’s on the phone, honey?”
“Just Megyn,” Dad remarked to her, muffled. He spoke clearer again, addressing me. “Just hold onto the boxes, okay?”
Just hold onto the memories, because I’m the only one who will.
“I have to go, Dad,” I said flatly. “Talk later.”
“Megyn…”
I hung up and dropped the phone into my purse. Doubling over, I wrapped my arms around my aching stomach and shuddered. Why did everything have to go falling apart all at once? If only Carter could have kept his comments to himself, and then I would never have to be going through this. I would have been ignorant, but maybe ignorance was bliss in some cases; I certainly hadn’t encountered a lot of bliss in my time, so I deserved at least a little. Didn’t I?
“Why can’t anything stay good?” I whispered.
A horn honked from outside, from my driveway. Carter had arrived for our date. It would be a double date. We were going alongside Brian and Maggie, to the Lonely Whale, since Maggie had never been and apparently really wanted to go. I didn’t doubt that she did, but I wasn’t silly enough to think that this whole arrangement was for fun.
I walked out to meet Carter. He got out into the cold and smiled at me. I returned the smile as best as I could manage, which evidently wasn’t very well, because a single look had him frowning.
I climbed inside and we drove off, crossing the bridge, skirting over the darkening waters.
I hadn’t spoken to Maggie at all since Carter revealed he’d spoken to her behind my back. I wanted to talk to her, but I knew I was too upset and would end up saying things I’d regret. This double date thing tonight was probably meant to mend all the broken lines of communication.
To me, it kind of seemed like everyone had just gone behind my back again and planned without me.
Maggie and Brian waited for us inside the restaurant, standing underneath the humpback whale painting. They spoke in quick, excited tones to an older gentleman who bore a startling resemblance to Jim Bergman; rather, Jim bore a startling resemblance to this gentleman, since it had to be his father.
Carter led me over to the trio, clearing his throat to get their attention. “I hope these two aren’t keeping you from anything, Ryan.”
Ryan Bergman broke off in his conversation and grinned at Carter. “The opposite, really. You know me, I can’t stop talking about this artwork you got for us.”
Maggie jumped in, speaking quickly still. “It really is stunning. I was asking Mr. Bergman here if he’d mind me doing a piece on it.”
“I’ll do you one better,” Carter said. “I’ll give you the email of the man who made it.”
Maggie’s eyes gleamed in a way I recognized all too well. She always got overzealous like this when in the throes of inspiration. “I’d die! Please do.”
“Well, if it’s going to kill you, maybe I shouldn’t,” Carter chuckled.
I stood back, trying not to be noticed. I must have brought attention to myself somehow, though. Ryan Bergman held out his hand to me and said, “And who is this, Carter?”
Carter wrapped his arm around my shoulders. He was warm and smelled so good. I almost gave in and forgave him for everything. Almost. “This is Megyn. She’s my date. My girlfriend.”
I looked at him sharply. After what had happened, he still felt comfortable saying something like that? Or was it more that he was trying to convince himself?
Ryan caught the look and laughed. “It looks like she’s not so certain about that. I think she’s got the right idea. She’s much too good for you.”
If only you knew.
Maybe he did know and was making fun of me. I wouldn’t put it past myself to be the dumb girl who didn’t recognize when she was being insulted.
“I’ll personally take the four of you to your tables myself. Unless our Megyn here wants to ditch the rest of you and dine by herself?” Ryan winked at me and turned away with a sweeping gesture, motioning for everyone to follow me.
Maggie and Brian moved off, once again engaging Ryan in intense conversation. Conversation ground to a halt as Maggie saw the aquarium in all its glory. Her jaw fell open and she stared, standing immobile in one spot. It was still a beautiful thing and an amazing accomplishment, but I couldn’t really find it in myself to share in her fascination. I still felt too numb.
Ryan gave Maggie the same talk Jim had given me, while leading us up three flights of spiraling stairs to the very top floor of the restaurant, detailing how the aquarium worked. I noticed that Maggie didn’t ask whether the fish in the aquarium were eaten and felt foolish for having said anything myself last time. Of course, they wouldn’t eat these fish. Who had ever eaten an angelfish? Fried clownfish weren’t a thing, either.
I was just dumb and didn’t know anything. I had no right to be sitting down at a table with these professionals, infiltrating their space with my poverty.
“Why don’t we get a bottle of wine?” Carter suggested, perusing a list. “To celebrate the four of us being in one place. Two sets of best friends, two couples. It’s perfect.”
“I’ll agree to anything as long as I’m not the one paying,” Brian joked.
Maggie frowned at him. “It’s a little bit uncouth to invite a lady out to a date and then have your friend pay for it. I might as well be on this date with Carter.”
“Oh, kinky,” Brian laughed. “We’re swapping dates now? How do you feel about that, Megyn?”
I looked at Brian, his warm, open face and amused eyes. He had been the one to bring Maggie to Carter. I couldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.
Brian frowned and tilted his head. “Damn. Rejected.”
“I guess you’re stuck with me,” Maggie said. She grabbed his hand and held it tight. Brian looked at her with fondness and skimmed his thumb over the back of her hand. She smiled and squirmed around in her seat, tickled.
But, when Brian looked away, to see Carter’s choice of wine, Maggie stopped smiling and looked at me with her head tilted. She mouthed, “Are you okay?”
I looked away.
The wine came and everyone had a glass. I pretended to sip at mine for the toast, but mostly ignored it after that, choosing to drink the sparkling water Carter ordered as an accompaniment for all of us. I felt more awful with every taste of the crisp, bubbling water, a reminder of how different we were. I could barely afford to pay my water bill and here I had been trying to date a man who could get fancy sparkling water with a snap of his fingers. It was the little things that meant so much more. I could maybe deal with him having a huge house and his own chef, but the sparkling water? It hit me right in the gut.
I stayed quiet and drank my water for lack of anything else to do, while everyone else discussed what appetizer to get. Without me, they settled on crab and artichoke dip with sea salt tortilla chips. The dip came, a massive steaming bowl gooey with cheese and other rich ingredients I could hardly dream of purchasing.
Carter turned to me, like he had noticed me for the first time. “Don’t you want to try some dip? Before Brian eats all of it.”
Brian used a tortilla chip to scoop up an inordinate amount of the dip, trailing melted strings of cheese across the tablecloth. Maggie watched the display of gluttony as if it was the most endearing thing she had ever seen. He hardly even seemed to taste the food and that bothered me. At least he could have savored what he had, appreciated it a little more.
“Megyn?” Carter pressed.
Maggie turned to look at me, frowning again.
“I’ve never had artichoke before.” My voice was very small.
“It’s a little like spinach dip,” Carter said.
I’d only ever had canned spinach and I knew for sure I didn’t like that. “I’m fine, thank you.”
“You aren’t fine!”
All three of us turned to Maggie.
Maggie set her chip down and leaned across the table, her eyebrows scrunched and her mouth drawn down in a worried grimace. “You’ve been so quiet this whole time. I know why. I’m so sorry, Megyn.”
“Of course you know.” I suddenly felt so tired. I wanted to lie down on the floor, right in the middle of this fancy restaurant, and take a nap. Maybe my dreams would be better than my reality. “No secrets between the three of you. Carter told Brian and Brian told you.”
Maggie bit her lip. “I’m so sorry, Megyn. I really am. I don’t know what else to say. They knew who you were already. It’s not like I told them that. It’s just that you’ve been wanting to get out of this life for so long. Carter is such a great guy. I wanted him to know how great you are, too. Maybe he could provide for you and help you.”
Our server came by, a cheery smile on their face, no doubt to see if we were ready to order our meals. She quickly went away again without saying a word. I didn’t blame her. I probably looked pretty scary. I felt scary. And scared.
Always scared.
“I didn’t need your help trying to get a guy,” I said quietly. “I went to the party for you. I wasn’t looking. And I’m not really looking now for someone to take care of me. I’m fine. And I was fine before this.”
Brian resumed eating chips, crunching, his chews exaggerated and deliberate. He studied the bowl of artichoke dip like it was the most important thing in the world. His secondhand embarrassment was palpable. I could have, well, put it on a chip and eaten it, it was so thick in the air.
Carter said, “Let’s not fight.”
I kept looking at Maggie. “I’m not fighting. I don’t want to fight. You’re my best friend. It just hurts a lot that I asked you not to say anything and then you went and made the decision for me. Like my opinion meant nothing to you.”
Maggie swallowed hard.
“Let’s just drop it,” I whispered, on the verge of tears. “Leave me alone.”
I picked up my menu and hid my face behind it.
No one said another word to me for the whole night, except for the server when she asked me what I would be having and, later, if there was anything wrong with it, since I hadn’t eaten much. I reassured her I was just a dainty eater and that seemed to be convincing enough to get her to leave me alone.
No one really said much to each other, either. Maggie and Brian occasionally put their heads together to murmur, in that way couples do, but they never laughed or smiled.
Carter ate his surf and turf mechanically, watching the aquarium with a far-off stare, which he kept even at the end of the night, wishing me good dreams.
Because I could never keep anything good in my life, I had bad dreams.