Chapter 21
Francesca
I couldn't believe the nerve of that man.
How could he still think he had any claim on me whatsoever?
Did he think that just because he’d fucked me that night that he had a right to control my life? To touch me like I still belonged to him?
As always, he did as he pleased and asked permission from no one. But that was no excuse for me to allow him such liberties, even if deep down I’d enjoyed it.
But enjoying the way he kissed me with such intensity, such rage, such craving meant that all the progress I thought I had made this past month was nothing but a mask that had just fallen and shattered right there in that bathroom. I couldn’t be blind to that truth.
It took all my willpower to bite him, to push him off. But what was I supposed to do? He divorced me. He dumped me, so why would I let him have what he thought he wanted when he thought he wanted it? I wasn’t a whore on standby for him to pick up whenever he felt like it. He made his fucking bed. He could lie in it now.
Something inside me fluttered at the notion that he was jealous. It was satisfying to know that I could mess with him, and then again, why should it even matter?
It was like I had a devil and an angel on each of my shoulders. One tried to pull me toward wise, prudent, and logical thinking, putting my feelings aside and just reasoning things out, settling for what hurt less. The other, the devil with a straight line to my heart and body, made me feel and think things that a strong woman who had been badly scorned just shouldn’t.
Like how delicious his lips felt against mine. How wildfire spread through me as I burned in desire for his touch. How I wanted that and him to be my reality. He was, in a way, my reality. Just definitely not the one I craved. He was the reality that drew me further away from trust, from belief, from… love. How could I have fallen a second time for the same lies and traitorous promises?
I shivered at that thought, and the nausea that had sent me to that bathroom flooded my body once more, making me stop in my tracks, contemplating going back. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t face him again right now. I wouldn’t have the same strength to push him away.
I tried to steady my breathing as sweat shimmered down my forehead. This was getting worse. I was just barely holding it together.
In through your nose, out through your mouth.
I tried to coach myself repeatedly as I finally got a grip on my nerves and stomach. Seeing Matt again was seriously throwing me off. I could physically feel the effects, and this just wasn’t normal. I needed to get this fucking meeting out of my way as quickly as possible and put as many miles between us as possible.
I finally made my way out of that long corridor, arriving at the table I had been previously sitting at, not bothering to sit back down again. We needed to leave.
“Shall we go?” I asked.
“Hum… sure. Are you okay? You look a little pale.”
“I’m fine. Just have some kind of stomach flu or something,” I replied with a white lie.
“Come on, Fran, you can’t fool me.” Tommy wasn’t about to let this go, so I reluctantly slipped back into my seat and tried focusing on him, ignoring everything else around me.
“Is that him?” Tommy asked, motioning to the hallway I had come from just a minute ago as Matt emerged from it with a huge frown on his face, looking dangerously toward us.
“It is.”
“Do you want me to go talk to him?” He asked, brushing a strand of my hair that had fallen in front of my face as I held my gaze down.
“No, no, no, and I’m not sure I’ve mentioned… NO! I don’t need my big brother defending my honor.”
“It’s not that you need it. But it’s my job now, isn’t it?”
“Well, not yet. I’m not the boss, and this is all still a very long shot, meaning you are not hired yet. Let’s just wait and see what happens tomorrow at the meeting.”
“Fran… even if you don’t get that seat, it’s still my job to fend for you, to defend your honor and make that fucker pay for what he did to you. It’s been my responsibility since you were born.”
“I know, but I’d rather leave things as they are.” I brushed it off. “Don’t worry about it, it’s in the past. Never heard of Hakuna Matata?” I joked, trying to lighten the mood.
“How could I not? It's everything you ever watched when you were a kid. No worries?”
“Exactly. No worries. Let’s leave the past in the past. Now, can we go? I wasn’t expecting an audience, and I just don’t want to be here.”
Tommy nodded once before standing and holding out his hand to help me up.
As much as I tried to ignore it, Matt’s gaze seemed to physically burn right through my skin as he followed us until we were out of sight. His scornful huff was loud enough to hear, even over the slam of his glass against the bar’s counter.
I forced myself to ignore him and focus on something that brought me joy. My eyes locked on the tall figure in front of me, and it was easy to find something or someone to be thankful for.
Tommy was back. Safe and sound.
He was back for good and free from the stains of his past. He had volunteered for one last mission, a black ops operation kind of thing that would forever erase his record.
It was so dark and top secret that he couldn’t share even the slightest thing about it. But whatever it entailed was enough for him to cash in on that retirement promise.
For me, the news came with a huge sense of relief because we never knew when we were saying goodbye for the last time. Now, I could see him anytime I wanted, and those clean records were an added bonus for our peace of mind. No more hiding.
He told me the horrors of what he had seen, done, and helped do, and in no way was it any different from what we did.
Actually, that’s not accurate. We didn’t kill innocent people, we didn’t massacre entire cities, we didn’t betray our code of honor. But inside that hushed circle he was in, the saying that everything was fair in love and war was a motto they lived by a little too seriously. Especially when it came to war.
He had seen more wrongdoings there than during the whole time he lived with us.
Tommy had the strongest moral compass I’d ever seen in my life. He was righteous, fair, honorable, just, and trustworthy, and I could only imagine what it must have cost him to witness everything that he did and not be able to do anything about it.
He had enlisted to get away from this life. The mafiosi life. And yet, the pit he fell into was far deeper and darker than the one he fled from. There was nobody on this earth I trusted more than him. He had always been there for me, my savior when my other brothers picked on me. My motivator every time I felt I wasn’t good enough. My shoulder when I needed to cry.
He was away on deployment when all that shit with Eric happened, and he still blamed himself to this day for it. For not being there for me, for not knowing who he really was.
But he was here now. And finally, chose to give me, us, a chance. He would be my perfect sottocapo , my second in command. He wasn’t full Italian, or at least we thought he wasn’t, but I also wasn’t a man. The essence was there, the strong sense of family, the honor, and, above all, my trust.
We just needed to get through tomorrow, and by some miracle of the Gods, yes, plural because I was going to need all the help I could get. If I got to be Donna of the Amato family and earn that damn seat in The Commission, he would be my right hand.
“Will you be alright?” He asked before placing a kiss on my cheek and heading off to deal with whatever paperwork it took to have his records scrubbed clean.
“Yes. Don’t worry. It’s dinner with the girls. My mind will be as far as possible from my ex-husband while I have an amazing time with them.”
“I can stay longer if you need me to.”
“Don’t worry. Go deal with those poor professional choices you made in life while I have a bunch of margaritas with my tribe.”
With one more hug and hair ruffle that did not match my outfit, Tommy left while Enrico and I waited for the car to come around. I couldn’t wait to see Alison and Jamie again. Catch up and forget how awful these past few weeks had been.
◆◆◆
We were at a small restaurant. Cozy and secluded, where we could be ourselves and not have to look over our shoulders every ten seconds. I hadn’t had any other notes sent to me, but then again, I wouldn’t really know because I had made a point not to have much contact with Matt, and they might have been delivered to our apartment or the club.
Just to be safe, I brought two of our men with me, which made me relax a little and realize how much I missed Max. He was more than an employee. He was my friend, and that’s why his betrayal was personal. He pledged loyalty to Matt, I got that, but it still stung.
For a couple of hours, my head was in a completely different place than it had been all this time, and I felt happy again, even for just a brief moment, as I chatted and giggled and joked with these two beautiful ladies I was so lucky to have in my life.
“So… how’s Jackson doing, Alison?” I teased.
“I don’t know. You should probably ask him.” She replied.
“I thought you were seeing him!”
“Oh, no. Just on and off, no strings attached kind of thing. All fun and games,” she brushed it off.
“So when was the last time?” Jamie asked Alison.
“Two days ago!” Alison replied, making Jamie and me burst out laughing, the wine almost pouring from our noses. “What? It’s just sex! How would I know how he’s been besides hot?”
This was the feeling I missed. This lightness of life without pain. Maybe Alison had a point in keeping her emotions well compartmentalized. Each thing in its precise place, no mingling parts that don’t go together, like the heart and the mind. Just the kind of thing I managed to do, only for it to crumble to pieces once Matt came into my life.
“Besides, I’ve been so swamped at AD that I just don’t have time for anything else. Getting the edge off will have to suffice,” Alison explained, interrupting my self-destructive trail of thought. “My Dad will be hiring a new assistant to help around our floor, and it still won’t cut it. Since your beloved soon-to-be husband has been running things around there, the workload just tripled without notice,” Alison complained, pointing at Jamie.
“I can sense that edge is still there. You might need another visit to Jacksontown. Or just let Jackson go to town?” I said, giggling again.
“Maybe I need more than him.”
“You wouldn’t!” Both Jamie and I chanted in a disbelieving chorus.
“No, probably not,” she replied just before her phone started to ring, Matt’s goofy photo coming up on the screen, making Alison smile sympathetically as she looked at me before getting up to answer it. “I’ll be right back.”
“I can see it’s still hard for you,” Jamie said, her hands grabbing mine as she spoke. “I’m here for you whenever you need me, okay?”
“I know.” I couldn’t say more than that. There was no reason to elaborate because it would lead nowhere besides the gutter that I’d be glad to leave.
“It was unexpected to all of us. We were all caught by surprise. He loves you so much, I can still see it. He’s always gloomy and in a bad mood these days. We’ve hardly seen him around.” My stomach churned again at the sound of her words.
“I don’t think he does, or ever did, Jamie. What he’s feeling is power withdrawal at the most. There’s no love in that selfish heart.” I managed to say, swallowing the rising bile and anguish.
“That’s not true, Francesca.”
“Then why? Why did he divorce me? Why did he hurt me like this?” I whisper-shouted, trying not to be too loud and create a scene. I was starting to feel a little light-headed as if all the blood was being drained to my feet.
“Francesca! Are you okay?” Jamie asked, alarmed.
“No. I don’t think I am. I think I’m going to head back to the hotel, maybe rest a little.”
“I’ll go with you.” She stood up, helping me as I did the same.
“No, no. I’m fine. Stay with Alison. Enrico and Guido will take me back. I’ll be fine. I just need to rest.” I replied, motioning to both of my men that we were leaving.
“Okay, but please call me if you need anything. Where are you staying?”
“I’m at the Ritz. I’ll be fine, really.”
“Okay. Guys, please take care of her. She’s not feeling that well. Call a doctor if she gets worse on the way, okay?” Jamie said in that sweet voice of hers, earning a “Yes, Ma’am” from my bodyguards. “I’ll let Alison get off the phone and meet you there.”
Maybe I should do what she says and call a doctor. I’ve been feeling a little off since I left Detroit. I’m sure it’s nothing serious. Probably just all this stress I’ve been under lately. For now, I think that some peace and quiet will do the trick until I have to face my destiny tomorrow at the meeting.
It was a short ride back to the hotel and before the car stopped completely, I was jumping out.
I rushed through the lobby, going straight up to my room, trying my best to contain the nausea while pacing around the elevator. The closer I got to my room, the harder it got to keep it in.
Hot flashes came in more frequent waves as I struggled to swallow down the nausea.
I burst through the door, running straight to the bathroom, emptying my stomach into the toilet repeatedly until my eyes were red and tearing, and I could hardly breathe.
That’s when I felt it. A strong, warm hand rubbing circles on my back while another held my hair back.
“I’m here, Gattina . Let it out, you’ll be okay.”