Chapter 10
For days, Darcy had done little else but wait for time to pass so he could leave town.
The moment he had touched Elizabeth’s ungloved fingers had tortured him ever since.
He had avoided any possible further encounters with her so had rarely left his house.
Georgiana told him they had met Elizabeth and Jane for tea and mentioned the pleasant time they had spent together. He did not enquire further.
He had to keep his mind occupied every moment or his thoughts about Elizabeth invaded it. He was worried about her, but also jealous, torn between hoping she had been forced to enter that marriage, or wishing her to be happy with a man she truly loved. Even if that man was not him.
He knew he would readily respond to any call from her—or from Lady Kendal—but he hoped it would never occur.
He admired Lady Kendal’s charity work—especially the two hospitals—and intended to offer a significant donation.
Under different circumstances he would have committed more, offering his personal involvement.
But Elizabeth was part of it, and each meeting made him painfully aware of what he had lost. He had to keep himself at a safe distance.
He prayed to see her again yet dreaded such a moment. He knew not what he wished for and did not dare consider it thoroughly. What use could it have since he had no choice? She would marry soon, as would he.
The sound of heavy knocking on the door startled Darcy and returned him abruptly to reality. So bemused was he that he had no time to respond before Colonel Fitzwilliam barged in, requesting brandy.
“You look rather tired,” Darcy said simply.
“So do you,” the colonel mocked him. “But at least I have the excuse that I have not slept all night. What excuse do you have?”
“Another party? Are you not weary of it already?” Darcy asked as a maid brought in a tray.
“Not at all. These are the last days in town. After that, everybody will depart to the country and I shall not see them until the autumn. I cannot refuse any invitation. I have plenty of time to sleep later,” the colonel said jovially.
“How honourable of you,” Darcy said dryly. “So, should I presume that you will have some quiet, peaceful weeks in Brighton, with only rest and sea bathing?”
The colonel threw him a puzzled glance. “Why would you presume such a thing? Half of high society will be there. I expect to spend a rather animated time in Brighton. And I hope to convince you to join me.”
“I am in no mood for parties, Cousin.”
“You are in no mood for anything, Darcy. We are all worried about you. And I must say Aunt Catherine had a valid point in asking you to set a wedding date. You have kept Anne tangled in your uncertain plans for a year now.”
“I do not hear Anne complaining,” Darcy said. “Did she say something to you?”
“No. I suspect she is simply content to be away from Rosings. She appears to be thrilled about staying at the seaside for the summer.”
“If both Anne and I are satisfied with the present situation, why are we even having this discussion?”
“Because, unlike Anne, you do not look thrilled by anything, Darcy. Not even pleased. I have not heard you laugh in ages. Georgiana is worried too. What is happening? What troubles you?”
“Nothing. I doubt my behaviour is any different from usual. I am pleased that Anne and Georgiana are happy to stay in Brighton. I am also pleased that you will join us. I have rented the house where my mother used to stay years ago. It has a convenient position near the Steyne, with a lovely sea view and good access to the promenade. I trust this will provide a pleasant time to everyone and will benefit Anne’s health. What more do you expect of me?”
“More! Even now, as you speak, your voice sounds heavy, bitter, empty. I do worry for you, and I shall keep an eye on you.”
“Do as you wish.” Darcy shrugged.
“You know, Bingley is worried about you too.”
“Bingley should take care of his wife, not me.”
“Well, it seems he does. Mrs Bingley is with child, and she looks stunning. Marriage suits her quite well,” the colonel declared.
Darcy said nothing. Any subject involving Jane Bingley brought him dangerously close to hearing Elizabeth’s name.
“I hope marriage will suit Miss Bennet too, although that can hardly be expected,” the colonel said, leaning back in his chair. He emptied his glass, filled it again, then resumed his languor.
“Everybody speaks of Alveston’s engagement.
There are wagers about who tricked who into this arrangement.
Did Lady Kendal convince Miss Bennet to entertain her grandson till the end for an appropriate settlement, or did Miss Bennet use her charms and impose herself on Lord Alveston and his grandmother to benefit from an early widowhood?
Can you imagine her five years from now?
Beautiful, witty, more mature, and extremely rich.
Every man in England will be fighting for her favour. ”
Darcy jumped to his feet, casting his cousin a furious look.
“You should be ashamed to make such comments and speculations about a young lady who you claim to be a friend! How dare you involve yourself in such abominable conversations? Do you have no decency? Did you consider for a moment what must be in Lady Kendal’s heart?
Instead of wagering, did you consider how it would be for a young man to fear his death every day?
Are any of you involved in Lady Kendal’s charities?
Are you aware of the responsibilities that Miss Bennet is taking upon herself?
More than you and your self-indulgent friends would be able to manage all together!
Do you not think that all three of them deserve some respect? ”
The colonel stared at his cousin with his eyes and mouth wide open. He had never seen Darcy so angry. His face was crimson, and his violent glares threw fire as he paced around.
“For heaven’s sake, Darcy, what has come over you? It was just a joke, like we have always shared together. I meant no disrespect.”
“No disrespect? Did you lose your mind at the party? What would you call your earlier comment?”
“I apologise…truly... I spoke carelessly only because it was you. You know I am more guarded in company. I did not imagine you might take such offence—”
“You should not have to be more guarded, Richard! You should simply not entertain such shameful thoughts about people who deserve our consideration! As for an early widowhood, as you said, none of us is safe! Any of us could suffer an accident at any time. Simply because we are healthier does not make us any safer from danger. Only God knows what is written for each of us.”
The colonel grew irritated.
“Your scolding is unfair, Darcy. Surely you remember how disdainfully you used to speak about Miss Bennet’s family and how delighted you were last year that you separated Bingley from Jane.
It seems you have changed your mind in the meantime.
Do not preach and do not rebuke me like I am a schoolboy! ”
“Then do not behave like one. I do remember what I said, and I regret my ridiculous pride. God knows I received my punishment… But even so, can you see no difference between my objective censure of one’s manners or situation in life and your malicious gossip and wicked insinuations?”
“As I said, I apologise. I do admire Miss Bennet, and I would do nothing to hurt her. I should go now and allow you to calm yourself. I can see you are in a strange mood today.”
“Yes, you should. I wonder if you wager about my engagement to Anne too,” Darcy said, throwing the last painful arrow.
The colonel stared.
“I cannot believe you said that—”
“And why not?” Darcy asked, his ire still impossible to control. “Why is my engagement to Anne any different from Lord Alveston’s to Miss Bennet?”
“I shall go now, Darcy, before more hurtful words are said. I shall pretend I did not visit you today.”
“Please do so. But I cannot promise to do the same. I did not expect that from you, Richard.”
“Nor I from you, Darcy. Good day,” he said, shutting the door behind him.
Alone in the library, Darcy threw his glass into the fireplace, where it shattered into a thousand pieces. He felt angry and offended on Elizabeth’s behalf, although he knew the rumours to exist. And to be somewhat justified.
His cousin held no blame in starting the gossip.
Perhaps he should have reacted more tactfully.
More calmly. More reasonably. After all, it was not his duty to protect her reputation by arguing with his cousin.
But for many months, Darcy had not been reasonable in anything related to Elizabeth.
And likely he would not be in the future either.
∞∞∞
In the last days of May, Lady Kendal, Lord Alveston, and their servants travelled to Brighton. Two more carriages followed, one shared by Elizabeth, Jane, and Bingley, and the other one by the Gardiners.
“Dear Lizzy, do you remember last year when Lydia was crying that she wished to go to Brighton? And Mama insisted how beneficial sea bathing would be for her? It seems so long ago! And now we are all going together. I hope Lydia will forget her previous disappointment and will enjoy her time.”
“I do remember,” Elizabeth said. She did remember but with a grip on her heart. Jane had inadvertently reminded her of her most distressing memory, one she had not and could not share with anybody. “I have not seen our family in six months. I miss them dearly.”
“So do I,” Jane said. “It is fortunate that Lady Kendal invited them to spend the whole summer in Brighton.”
“I would have invited your family anyway,” Bingley said. “Please do not doubt that anything you wish for your family, I would be happy to provide.”
“Oh, I know that, my love.” Jane kissed his cheek, hurrying to reassure him. “I did not mean to imply you would not. I only mentioned Lady Kendal’s generosity in renting an entire house for our family.”
“They could have stayed with us,” Bingley insisted.
“Of course they could. But you and Jane should enjoy as much privacy as possible. And Jane requires much rest,” Elizabeth interjected. “Sea bathing, a gentle breeze, salty fresh air, and rest for the soon-to-be mother.”
Jane blushed and Bingley kissed her hand. “I certainly hope so. You know, Lizzy, I spoke to Georgiana. She promised she would send word when they arrived. Colonel Fitzwilliam will accompany them.”
“I hope the colonel will improve Darcy’s disposition. I worry about him,” Bingley said. “At times, I wonder if he is ill.”
“I have not been in Mr Darcy’s company much, but he did not seem ill—thank God,” Elizabeth said. She would not venture to speculate the reason for his poor disposition, not even to herself.
“I do not believe he is happy about his engagement either,” Bingley continued. “I say, people should not marry for any reason but love. Nothing can compare with felicity in marriage.”
“I heartily agree with you, dear brother,” Elizabeth said.
“They should not—but they do. Some for better reasons, others for worse. Those of us who do not possess your sweet nature and your gentle temper cannot hope for your kind of felicity. So we can only reach a compromise and hope for a good balance, to make our lives worthy.”
“Oh dear, Lizzy… You always said you wished to marry for the deepest love!” Jane said. “It pains me to see you have abandoned your desires.”
Elizabeth immediately became serious. “Jane dearest, I shall only tell you one more time. I do love Philip. And his mother. I agreed to marry him out of affection and tenderness. Perhaps this is not how I imagined my marriage, but if I did not appreciate and care deeply for him, I would not have agreed to marry him.”
“But Lizzy, is this the sort of love you had in mind when we spoke? Do you think of him all the time? Do you wish for him to touch your hand and do you pray for him to kiss you? Do you feel shivers when you see him? Do you feel small butterflies in your stomach when you think of him? This is what I feel for Charles, so I know this must be true love,” Jane said passionately, flustered by embarrassment but daring in her confession.
Bingley gazed at her, his affection glowing in his eyes.
The grip tightened in Elizabeth’s chest, and she tried to avert her eyes so her sister would not see the tears welling.
“No, it is not the sort of love that you describe, dearest Jane. But it is the only one I can hope for. And Philip is an excellent man—one of the best I have ever met. I know he loves me and I care for him deeply. I have no reason to complain about my decision, and I am content to know it will bring happiness to so many people. Let us not discuss this any longer.”
“Oh, Lizzy…” Jane whispered.
“I am astonished to see you and Darcy, two of the brightest people I know, making the same sort of mistake. What on earth has come over you? You are both choosing a course to please others. And I believe it is a misstep. I cannot understand why neither of you can see the obvious.”
“Charles, I do not know what induced Mr Darcy’s engagement to Miss de Bourgh, but surely you know my reasons and you know my decision is justified and well-considered. Let us stop arguing about what cannot be changed and enjoy this journey.”
“Very well. Forgive me,” Bingley agreed, kissing her hand in apology.
“You must know how much we love you, Lizzy,” Jane added.
“I do know. And I am truly grateful to have such a sister and brother.”
The discussion had added to her sorrow and deepened her regrets.
She did dream of and wish to have a marriage like her sister’s.
And perhaps she could have had it, if she had not been so hasty in rejecting the man who ardently loved and admired her.
If only she could have had the patience to know him better before judging and reprimanding him.
If only she had not thrown away his hand and his heart when he had offered them to her.
Now she had to do what was best for everyone—considering the circumstances. She would likely never know the taste of ardent love, nor ever pray for a man to kiss her as Jane had said.
But she hoped to have a marriage in which everybody would be content.