Chapter 17
Their eyes met for a moment, then both looked away in embarrassment. They were people bound by emotion and yet separated by duty, alone but for the sea and sand, the wind touching them in a shared caress.
Although he was soaked, his clothes clinging to his body, she knew she looked no better. Her hair was loose, tousled by the wind. She stood barefoot in her wet, dirty gown and petticoat, holding her bonnet and shoes. Elizabeth’s cheeks burned; Darcy’s face coloured too.
“I did not expect to see you here, sir. Or anyone else.” She was sure he could hear her racing heart.
“I found this bay a few weeks ago with Georgiana and Anne. I enjoy riding along the seashore, and this part of the beach is wild and empty and…” He seemed equally uneasy, glancing about, shifting from one leg to another. “Forgive me. I shall put my coat on.”
Elizabeth laughed nervously. “Perhaps you should wait until the wind dries your clothes a little bit.” She blushed again, stealing another glance at his person.
“I do not wish to make you uneasy.”
Elizabeth laughed. “Please. You certainly expected no company.”
He replied with no little amusement. “I confess, I like swimming and the water is perfect. I have come here quite often.”
She stared at him. “Have you? I did not know that.”
“I like to swim at home, too,” he said awkwardly.
“I remember the lovely lake at Pemberley. It looked beautiful.”
“I am glad you liked it.”
Suddenly, they seemed to have run out of words; there was only the wind, the sound of the waves, and their tormented feelings. She felt conscious of her appearance while considering how attractive he looked.
Darcy glanced towards his horse. Elizabeth was aware she should not stay any longer.
“Are you… Will you walk any farther? You are rather a long way from the house,” Darcy said.
“I shall not go farther today. I just felt the desire for a walk, and I liked this place the first time I saw it.”
“I agree but... Forgive me, I know it is not for me to advise you, but you should not walk alone, Miss Bennet. There are all sorts of people in Brighton, and you might put yourself in danger.”
“I know you are correct, sir, but there is no one about.” Elizabeth smiled.
“Precisely. If someone wished to harm you, you would be all alone.” He studied her intently. His look thrilled her as much as the wind that was now blowing their wet clothes and hair.
“I shall return now,” she whispered.
Darcy seemed undecided how to proceed.
“Would you consider allowing me to accompany you? At least until we get closer to your home?” he enquired hesitantly.
She quivered in delight, nodding.
“Thank you.”
“Allow me a moment to fetch my horse.”
Donning his waistcoat and securing his remaining clothes to the saddle, he grabbed the reins, tossing them across the horse’s neck, and returned to Elizabeth, gesturing to her to accompany him.
“Do you have any news about Mr Wickham?” she asked.
“Not much. I have hired someone to watch him. I have discovered that he is not part of any regiment at present, but he still spends his time in company with officers from the army and militia. He is quite skilled at making friends.”
“Yes. But not as skilled at keeping them,” Elizabeth replied. The memory of their debate during the Netherfield Ball affected her, and she was at a loss to find another subject.
They walked together, side by side, with the horse following. From time to time, Elizabeth turned to look at the stallion.
“Do you mind him?” Darcy asked.
“Oh, no. It is just that I am surprised to see him following you. You are not holding the reins.”
“Thunder was born at Pemberley. We are accustomed to each other.”
“He is an impressive beast. And intimidating,” she admitted. Just like his master, she added to herself.
“But he is also loyal and obedient. And he is brave and adventurous,” he said with a gentleness that showed his own affection for the animal.
“Brave and adventurous? Does he resemble his master? When it comes to loyalty, I know he does, but in the matter of obedience, I would say quite the opposite.” She heard herself teasing him and felt herself blush again. What had come over her?
Obviously surprised by her flirtatious manner, she sensed he was smiling even before returning the look.
“Perhaps,” he reluctantly replied. “But his master has been more thoughtless and imprudent than brave and adventurous.”
“You? I can hardly believe that.”
“And still, it is true. If I were not, perhaps we would not have found ourselves in this situation,” Darcy declared with feeling, much to Elizabeth’s astonishment.
What could he possibly mean?
She tried to hasten her steps to match his pace. The wind grew stronger and the waves increased while dark clouds shadowed the sky. The air cooled, and Elizabeth shivered.
“May I offer you my coat? You seem cold.”
Elizabeth shivered again at the sound of his voice, as she realised how closely and attentively he was watching her. “No, thank you. The breeze is refreshing.”
“As you wish. But I am afraid it might start raining.”
“I fear so, too. If only it would wait a little longer until we reach the cottage.”
“I hope the same, Miss Bennet. As soon as we are close enough, I shall leave you. I have discovered several paths that lead from the beach to the main road.”
“May I suggest that when we reach the house you take the opportunity to dry your clothes and perhaps have a drink? I assure you Philip and Lady Kendal would welcome your visit.”
He was silent for a long moment.
“I thank you. You are very kind and so are Lord Alveston and Lady Kendal. But I must decline. I could not possibly intrude on the family over just a shower of summer rain.”
“You would not be bothering anyone, I assure you,” Elizabeth insisted. “Philip and Lady Kendal talk of you often. All of us much value your friendship.”
“But I cannot,” he replied with unexpected severity. Elizabeth stopped, turning to him, astounded. He turned his eyes towards the sea before he looked back at her.
“I apologise. I did not mean to sound rude. I do appreciate Lady Kendal and Lord Alveston. Under different circumstances, I would be honoured to call them friends. But I cannot. I cannot befriend either you or them. I should not even be near you, but I must be sure that you return home safely.” She shivered again.
“Nothing has changed since we spoke that evening at the ball, Miss Bennet,” he confessed, his voice pained. “No, that is not true. Something has changed, for the worse. It is more painful, more unbearable. Too many feelings torment me to allow me to be a genuine friend to you.”
She listened, her eyes and lips wide open. She repeatedly blinked, fighting the tears that glimmered on her lashes.
“Forgive me. I did not mean… I am grieved,” she whispered. “I should not have… How thoughtless. Selfish! Please, there is no need for you to accompany me. I am begging you! You are too kind but this is not necessary.”
She wiped the tears but could not fight the lump in her throat. She turned away and hurried ahead of him, but he caught her by the arm.
“Miss Bennet, please. Please!” he begged. “I should not have said that. I had no right to say such words, nor to place my burden on you.”
“Why are you apologising to me?” she asked. “You have done nothing wrong!”
“I have committed many wrongs, but I apologise for the distress my words caused you. Please forgive me, Miss Bennet. I will come and greet Lady Kendal and Lord Alveston, if you wish it.”
“I do not wish you to do anything that distresses you. And I can see you have already done so, for me. It is my turn to apologise.”
“Miss Bennet…”
“I once accused you of being selfish and disdainful of the feelings of others, but I was the same towards you. I have been blind, reckless, and unjust. I allowed my vanity to speak before my mind, and I have regretted that every day for more than a year. Once I realised how deeply I had wronged you, I tried to speak to you, but you avoided me. Still, I persisted. During that ball in May and then again and again.”
It started to rain, and she felt blessed that the raindrops concealed her tears.
“Why?” he asked in a hoarse voice. The question, although gentle, struck her.
She could not give him an honest answer, nor would her heart allow her to deceive him.
“Some of your accusations might have been based on falsehoods, but everything you said about my behaviour was correct. Learning your opinion of me that day at the parsonage pained me more than any physical wound. After weeks of sorrow, I finally understood why you rejected my proposal. I value your character even more for that. There is no need for more explanations on that subject.”
“Very well then.” She started walking again.
“Very well then? Is that all?” he asked when he was at her side again.
“No!” Lost in the sound of the wind and waves, her weak admission released the clasp on her stomach.
“No, that is not all. But nothing further can be said, since we are both to be married soon. I shall only say that my opinion of you changed after that day and has improved ever since. Everything has changed for me too, and I am bearing a torment I never imagined before. And yes, you are correct! We could not possibly be genuine friends. I would like that, but it cannot be. I should have understood it last year at Pemberley. Forgive me, I must leave you now.”
“Miss Bennet?”
“Yes?”
“I went to the bay because you told Georgiana you had visited it. I wished to have a place that I could share with you, even if you did not know. I ride around your cottage to be closer to you, even when I cannot bear to be in your presence. When I saw you today, I was sure it was just another of my dreams.”
His tone was soft but the pain in his voice melted her heart.
“I am glad to share something with you, Mr Darcy, even if it is that wild, desolate place,” she admitted, her eyes piercing his. “I must leave you now. Please do not follow me.”
“Miss Bennet. A question. I must ask.”