20. Hayden
20
HAYDEN
W ith my body relaxed for the first time in months and a secret smile playing across my lips, it only took another hour to perfect the sauce I’d been working on all day. Then one more to turn it into a triple batch so I had enough to feed an entire clubhouse of bikers.
I loaded all the sauce into reheat-safe containers then into my truck, whistling as I drove home to the Slayers’ compound with delicious, spicy scents filling the cab.
Queenie leaned on the wall outside, her thick legs encased in the brightest neon-green leggings I’d ever seen, a matching cropped top thing that I had no name for, and a jump rope hanging from her fingers.
“Working out?” I tried to be friendly because she was one of the few people here who gave me the time of day.
Her chest heaved with puffed-out breaths, and she clutched my arm dramatically. “Working out? Sugar, I’m having a goddamn medical episode here. Isn’t that obvious? That rope is trying to kill me. I’m minutes from death’s door!” She caught sight of the bag full of pasta sauce and straightened. “Oh! Is that what I think it is? Please tell a starving woman you’ve brought carbs.” She waved her hand around, trying to waft the scent from the bags into her nose and inhaling deeply.
I grinned at her. “I have cheese too.”
She put the back of her hand to her forehead and let her knees wobble. “You’re saying all of my favorite words right now. If there’s garlic bread, a girl might just pass away.”
I leaned in and opened the bag wider so she could see the long loaves of bread and container of garlic butter I’d brought home from the restaurant.
She made the happiest of noises and shoved me toward the kitchen. “Get to cooking, good-looking.”
I left her to finish her workout and trotted into the kitchen, finding Kara and Hayley Jade sitting at the small round table in the corner. Though the Slayers’ kitchen was quite large and industrial, nobody really ate in here, everyone preferring to sit on the couches or tables in the common rooms.
Kara glanced up and smiled, but her expression was tired and tinged with worry.
I dropped my bags onto the countertop and wandered over to them, fitting my hand to the back of her neck and squeezing it reassuringly because I wasn’t sure if kissing her in front of her daughter was okay.
I waved at the little girl. “How was school, Hayley Jade?”
She beamed at me happily, her teeth all shiny white and cute and tiny.
“She had a great day,” Kara said for her. “She brought home some new art, and we did some homework earlier. She’s learning the letters H, I, and J this week. Aren’t you, sweetie?”
Hayley Jade nodded.
“That’s awesome. They’re some of my favorite letters. Especially that H. All the best people have H’s in their names. Did you know that? Like, H for Hayley…and H for Hayden.”
She giggled and then made a range of pointing motions, trying to explain something with her hands.
Kara squinted at her. “I don’t know what you mean, honey. Can you try again?”
Hayley Jade’s shoulders drooped, guards coming back into her eyes and her smile fading away. She picked up her fork and poked at the mac and cheese in front of her.
Kara and I both watched her for a minute before Kara tried again. “If you don’t like that mac and cheese, it smells like Hayden has brought something else home for dinner.”
“I did. Pasta and garlic bread. It won’t be long, if you want some of that?”
Hayley Jade glanced over at me, and I held the container of sauce up so she could see it. “Queenie is pretty excited to have hers with cheese on the top.”
“Sounds delicious.” Kara got up and cracked open the lid on one of the containers. “Smells even better. Do you want to try some?”
Hayley Jade shook her head.
Kara frowned, moving to the cupboards. “Okay, but you need to eat something. You’ve been at school all day, and the teachers said you didn’t eat your lunch either.”
Hayley Jade screwed her face up.
Kara paused, interpreting her daughter’s expression. “You didn’t like it?”
She shrugged.
“Okay. No more peanut butter and jelly.” Kara eyed the uneaten mac and cheese. “Clearly not that stuff either, though I can’t blame you. Not sure that counts as proper food.”
The processed packet recipe definitely didn’t appear very appetizing.
Kara pulled out some cans of soup. “What about chicken? Beef? French onion?”
Hayley Jade looked about as enthusiastic as if we’d asked her if she wanted to go to the dentist.
Kara sighed. “She’s not used to anything processed, I don’t think. We made everything from scratch at Ethereal Eden.”
I pointed at the refrigerator, trying to think what was inside it. “I can make anything you want. Eggs? Sausages?”
Hayley Jade shook her head again, this time more forcefully and again made a bunch of points and gestures.
I had no idea what she was trying to say. I glanced at Kara. “Do you know what she means?”
Kara looked like she wanted to cry and moved a few steps away, motioning for me to follow her. She lowered her voice so Hayley Jade wouldn’t hear. “No. And it’s not the first time. I can’t get her to eat anything because I don’t know what she likes, and she can’t tell me.” She glanced past my shoulder at her daughter. “She’s already so skinny. It’s really worrying me that she’s not eating enough.”
Hayley Jade made a frustrated sound in the back of her throat, and some more unintelligible signs, clearly trying to tell us something.
I just had no idea what.
And neither did Kara.
Hayley Jade’s expression morphed from frustration to anger. She shoved the bowl of mac and cheese away and pushed to her feet so fast her chair fell over. She flinched at the sound and turned big, scared eyes on the two of us, like she was waiting to be yelled at or berated for making a mess.
When Kara simply said, “It’s okay,” Hayley Jade ran off, her bedroom door slamming closed a moment later.
Kara’s face crumpled, and she bent over to pick up the fallen chair. “School has been so good for her. She’s really started coming out of her shell. She wants to communicate. I can see it in her eyes.”
“But she still won’t talk.”
“We just need to be patient. I know that. But it’s hard seeing her so frustrated.” She sighed heavily but drew her shoulders back. “And I get it! I’m frustrated too, but I don’t want her to see that. I’m going to go see if she wants to read a story or play a game. I don’t want her going to bed upset. I need to fix this. Somehow.”
I tugged her into my arms now that we were alone and kissed the top of her head. “You’re a good mom.”
She breathed into my shirt, some of the fight going out of her posture as she relaxed into my arms. “I’m the worst mom. I don’t know how to help her.”
“You don’t have to know all the answers to be what she needs. Just being there for her is enough.”
Kara sniffed and pulled back, forcing a smile onto her face. “I hope that’s true. Save me some dinner, please?”
I kissed her mouth. “Sure.”
I watched her go, hating she was beating herself up. I put water on to boil for the pasta, reheated the sauce, and baked the garlic bread until it was toasty and golden. When it was all ready, I spread everything out on the countertop, made up a tray for Kara and set it aside, and then went around knocking on all the bedroom doors, rounding up as many people as I could so the food didn’t go to waste.
I knocked on Hawk’s bedroom door and yelled out that food was up but didn’t stick around to see if he came out. I took my bowl of pasta to my bedroom and closed the door.
The kittens pounced on me, only interested because I had food, but I wasn’t sharing it with them. I put mine down long enough to squeeze some pouches of cat food into their bowls, and then took mine to my bed, sitting back against the pillows.
Kara had said something earlier in the day that I couldn’t let go of.
“Don’t you know you’re my hero? One day, you’ll be hers too.”
I couldn’t deny that I wanted that. I’d rekindled the connection between me and Kara, but she wasn’t the only person I needed to consider if I wanted her in my life.
Her and Hayley Jade were a package deal. From the minute I’d held that little girl as a baby, my heart had expanded to include her. It was impossible not to. She’d been born right into my hands. Taken her first breaths in my arms.
Staring down at her tiny face had altered something in my chemistry, and I’d never recovered from it. Never forgotten her. Never wanted to.
But she didn’t have the same connection to me.
I shoved a forkful of pasta into my mouth and chewed it while using the other hand to type on my phone.
Sign language for beginners.
Hundreds of videos sprang up, and I watched some while I ate, setting my bowl down on my lap so I could try to follow along with the way the instructor’s fingers moved.
I mastered the letters H and J, though remembering the rest of the alphabet was definitely going to take more than a night’s practice. I was on my third video when a particular sign caught my eye.
I smiled at it, practiced a couple of times, making a fist and moving it in front of my mouth and chin. Then took my empty bowl to the kitchen, swapping it for two clean ones. I found spoons and then searched the freezer for the tub of ice cream I knew was in there behind bottles of vodka and frozen peas.
With two loaded-up bowls in my hands, I made my way to Hayley Jade’s room and knocked one of them against the wooden door. “It’s Hayden. Can I come in?”
The door opened, and Kara gazed up at me, a wobble in her bottom lip. “We’re having a bit of a tough night.”
Hayley Jade was splayed out on her bed, face down on the mattress. She didn’t lift her head when I came in and Kara closed the door behind me.
“She didn’t want to play. I’ve just been reading stories but…” Kara shrugged. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Can I try?” I whispered.
She nodded quickly. “I’d be grateful.”
I cleared my throat. “Hey, Hayley Jade? I’ve got two bowls of ice cream here. One for your mom…I was going to give you the other one, but it looks like you’re sleeping.”
Kara took one bowl from my fingers, and we both watched Hayley Jade on the bed.
She didn’t move.
Dammit. I’d been so sure ice cream would work, but she hadn’t even twitched. I gave it one more shot. “I put all this chocolate sauce on top, but it’s okay if you don’t want it. I definitely like this flavor so I can eat—”
Hayley Jade’s head whipped up. Her big eyes were wide and red-rimmed like she’d been silently crying.
My heart damn near fucking broke. I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her. Rub her back and tell her I was going to make everything better.
I couldn’t promise everything. But perhaps I could give her this one small thing.
“Do you want some…” Shifting the bowl to my left hand, I made the sign for ice cream that I’d just learned. It looked very much the same as licking a cone, only the video had said you didn’t need to stick your tongue out. I tried to explain it to her. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. At least not with your mouth. You can talk with your hands. If you want ice cream, you can move your hand like this, and then your mom will know what you need.”
Hayley Jade cocked her head to one side.
Slowly, she made the same sign I had.
I handed the bowl over.
She grinned, her eyes saying all the thank-yous her mouth couldn’t.
Kara’s eyes were shining with tears. “I didn’t even think of teaching her to sign.”
“I didn’t either, until just before when I saw how frustrated she was getting. We can come up with a sign for each of us, but this an H.” I showed Kara how to form the letter, while Hayley Jade watched on with interest, ice cream already smeared across her lips. “And this is a J. So at least now, we have the two most important things covered.” I winked at Hayley Jade, and she giggled around another mouthful of sugar.
The sweet sound wrapped its way around my heart, mending some of the little cuts I’d put in it over the years. “We can learn some new signs every night. If you want?”
She nodded quickly.
“Thank you,” Kara whispered, taking in the sticky smile on her daughter’s face.
I kissed her cheek. “I didn’t do anything.”
I left them happily practicing the letters and slipped back into the hallway.
Hawk was slumped across the couch in the common room, his long legs kicked up on the coffee table while he scrolled something on his phone.
His fingers paused when our gazes met.
Heat flushed through me at the memory of grabbing him at the restaurant earlier, hauling him in against me, and whispering dirty shit in his ear.
I wondered what the sign for cocktease was as I slipped back into my room, knowing his gaze followed.