Chapter 11 Lara
Lara
I could see how easily my sister would’ve been swept away into this experience.
How catastrophically eagerly she would’ve believed the promises Wilderness Within made about the retreat and what it would do.
The steps they took to insulate you from the world.
And I could imagine how fluidly Dr. Julia’s words would’ve reached her.
A life raft amid a sea of bad relationships.
If Wilderness Within were a real program, I’d be grateful.
If it were real, I doubted there’d be a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach like there was now.
“We’ll start in the shallows of your relationship. An oath to each other. A warm comfort we can wade back to once we enter into the deep.” Dr. Julia’s dulcet voice glided through the clearing like a bending breeze.
I wanted to wade into the campsite and look for Rachel, but I’d picked this path. Subterfuge versus stakeout. Ruse over restrained reconnaissance. A fake relationship with Calder Stone.
It was that part that filled the pit of my stomach with a swarm of butterflies.
“If you could both turn and look at each other,” Dr. Julia continued, her smile hardly moving.
My head tipped as I looked at the man beside me, only to find his gaze was already rooted around me like the arms of a tree, strong and decades deep. I shivered.
“Good. Now, Lara, if you could repeat after me: Calder, I promise to you my wild honesty and my wild intimacy.”
Oh god. My throat constricted. Forget subterfuge—this was sabotage. Self-sabotage. Admitting to things that I should never admit to. I tried to swallow, but my nerves clawed at the sides of my throat. What had I said? The best lies were rooted in truth.
“Calder.” I inhaled. “I promise to you my wild honesty and my wild . . . intimacy.”
Was it the breeze that made his shirt tighten over his shoulders right then?
“Now, Calder. If you could repeat the same back.”
“Lara, I promise to you my wild honesty and my wild intimacy.” His collected tone skipped over the words like a rock across the water’s surface, hardly disturbing the tension that had tangled them on my own tongue, and yet there was still a ripple of . . . something. Something he wanted to ignore.
“Wonderful. This is our tether—your promise to each other to move through this program with heroic honesty,” Dr. Julia continued, and I welcomed the reprieve to turn back to her.
My gaze roamed a slow path over her placid face.
She was very pretty—more so in person than in the photographs Callum had found online.
She was the kind of person one would say had aged gracefully, but gracefully wasn’t enough for her.
No matter how calmly she spoke or how slow her movements, her forehead never creased, and no crinkles formed at the corners of her eyes when she smiled.
“Lara, I want you to share what draws you to Calder. Presently. Every day. Not the initial spark of your relationship, but the wick in his core that continues to make you burn for him.”
Burn for him. What a way to put it . . . and what a truth it carried, even in our bed of lies. My lips peeled apart, letting my breath whoosh out but leaving the heat stamped in my cheeks.
“Share with him,” she added, the open flat of her palm directing my attention back to my fake boyfriend.
Calder’s face was expressionless, though the rest of him was anything but.
The stubble of his beard whispered at the tension underneath, the cords of his neck pulled taut where they moored to his clavicles.
Frustration honed every rugged inch of him, from his shoulders to his fingertips, the ends denting the fabric of his pants where it gripped his knees.
“What draws me . . .” I repeated slowly. His anatomical encyclopedia of perfect muscles. An easy answer, but not real enough. My gaze caught in Calder’s once more, secured in his bearings, and the answer tumbled unbidden off my tongue. “His intentionality.”
Heat burned through my cheeks, and my heart pounded a mile a minute. “And it’s not a wick, but an anchor that pulls me toward him when things are calm. When they aren’t . . . his intentions are always steady.”
To help me. To protect me. To take care of me. Even in the span of the last few days, his every decision fell into this category.
“I can see that,” Dr. Julia murmured, waiting until she had both our attention to continue. “The way you’ve looked to him this entire time is the way a captain seeks the lighthouse anchored to the shore.”
My throat bobbed as I swallowed. For show. It was all for show.
“And, Calder, will you share what draws you to Lara?”
“Her determination,” he replied smoothly. Zero hesitation.
My eyes snapped wide.
“You’re surprised by that, Lara?”
Crap. Whatever he said shouldn’t have mattered, just like he shouldn’t think—could never know—that what I’d said was the truth. But I couldn’t take it back now.
“I . . . yes.”
“Why?”
The best lies were rooted in truth. “Because he doesn’t always agree with all my decisions.”
“Good,” she praised me, her bright white smile flashing briefly.
“One of the biggest chains imprisoning our wild core is perceived weaknesses. A weakness can never be completely hidden because they are intrinsic to our wildness, and to free it, we must embrace our vulnerabilities, not only in ourselves but in our partners.”
She turned to Calder.
“Let’s start with you this time, Calder. What do you perceive is your biggest weakness?” she asked, then added, “And remember, this is your safe place for wild honesty.”
Calder grunted, and I didn’t have to feign my interest in his forthcoming answer. What would he think his weakness was? Would he even share something that was true? Probably not. He did this—he deceived—as a part of his job. Why would he hesitate to deceive me?
“My need to be in control.”
My brows popped up. Well, that was certainly true, Mr. Director.
“I see.” Dr. Julia hummed, her attention turning on me for a brief moment, cataloging . . . something before she looked back to Calder. “And where does that need come from?”
Calder hesitated, and I caught the single fire of his masseter. “I’m the oldest of six. Our mom passed away when some of my siblings were pretty young, so I was responsible for them.”
“Very understandable,” she agreed and tilted her head. “But needing to be responsible and needing to be in control are very different things. I need wild honesty, Calder, if this is going to work. What about that event made you need control?”
While she may have been a lot of things, Dr. Julia’s training, her counseling, wasn’t a sham. She’d recognized that Calder was holding back and called him on it. She asked for our honesty and wasn’t afraid to demand it when necessary.
I couldn’t help but glance at him, wondering whether this was where he’d draw the line—if this was where the lies would start.
“My mother was murdered.”
“I’m very sorry about that, Calder. How old were you?”
“Fifteen.”
“Still a child.”
“But old enough.” His insistence was unrepentant.
Dr. Julia linked her hands in her lap. “So, you have a need to be in control because you’re afraid if you’re not, something could happen to the people you care about like it did to your mother?”
“I guess.” His voice cracked for the first time, the slightest blemish to the calm he’d maintained up to now.
“Is that how you are with Lara?”
I won’t sacrifice your safety for the sake of your feelings. I’d thought I understood before, but I hadn’t. Not even close.
His answer fired from his lips. “Yes.”
I waited for the next question, knowing what it was—where she was going. I was prepared to answer the same question and offer up my weakness. And then she asked me something completely different.
“Lara, I couldn’t help but notice you were surprised by Calder’s answer,” she remarked, and I stilled. Maybe if I hadn’t drunk her damn smoothie, I could’ve been better about hiding my reactions. Would’ve been. “Do you perceive Calder’s need for control as a weakness in your relationship?”
Even if I wanted to say yes—to add another lie on top of the one about our relationship—I couldn’t. Yes, Calder took control, but it wasn’t a weakness. It was a relief. A respite from the person I otherwise had to be. The person I’d been for so long.
“No,” I answered softly, my gaze caged in the magnetic trap of his.
Dr. Julia wouldn’t let it go. “How do you feel about his need for control?”
“I . . .” My throat bobbed as I swallowed. It didn’t matter what I said. Truth or lie, it didn’t matter because this wasn’t real. “I appreciate it.”
Calder’s disbelief ripped through him. The slight tightening of his grip on his knees. The ricochet of his clenching jaw. And his almost imperceptible inhale as it breached the firm line of his lips.
“You appreciate it,” Dr. Julia repeated, slightly louder.
“Good. This is good. Do you see how important this is?” Her enthusiasm was genuine, though her question rhetorical.
“What you perceived as a weakness, Calder—what has kept you from letting your relationship with Lara deepen—is actually something that brings Lara closer to you. Now, Lara, I want you to explain why you appreciate it, but I want you to look at Calder when you share.”
Look at . . .
My body began to comply, though my mind was rife with concerns. Just say what she wants to hear from you, I mentally coached myself. I shouldn’t have been nervous to tell him. It didn’t matter what I told him, because this wasn’t real.
This was nothing more than a placebo effect. A chemical reaction to a well-crafted ruse.
He. And. I. Weren’t. Real.
Dredging in a deep breath, I scooted on the blanket to face Calder, Dr. Julia fading into my periphery.
“Take his hands,” Dr. Julia interrupted gently, the instruction poking another hole in my confidence.