Chapter 11 Lara #2
Touch him? Wasn’t it enough that he could hear how my heart had started to beat harder against my chest? Wasn’t it enough that he could see the way my lungs strained against my ribs? Now she wanted to let him feel how the truth trembled behind the construct of this lie.
His eyes goldened like autumn-approaching leaves preparing for their downfall, and his palms turned up.
I could do this. I had to do this. I slid my fingers into his.
Thenar. Hypothenar. Extensor pollicis longus.
The Latin blurred like fingerprints scorched of their design.
It was fine. A glorified handshake. That altered the fabric of my identity.
Calder gave me a reassuring squeeze, and my head jerked up from our locked hands.
“I appreciate when you take control, Calder,” I began again.
See? You can do this. My tongue swiped over my lips, and I didn’t miss how his gaze lowered to my mouth.
“I appreciate when you take control, because I’m in control of so much that I don’t know how to let go.
I’m afraid to let go—afraid I don’t know how to.
” Afraid of what I’d lose . . . who I’d let down again if I did.
“When you take over . . . it’s a relief. ”
“Why can you let go with him? Why do you feel safe letting go with Calder?” Dr. Julia’s soft prompt wove through my ears.
“Because I trust you. I trust . . . your intentions.” I tried to swallow but couldn’t. The way he looked at me was like he could read between the beats of my pulse. Like he could see that there was so much more I’d . . . trust him with. If things were different.
“Wonderful, Lara. Wonderful. I really think we’re onto something groundbreaking here,” Dr. Julia praised, and the soft press of her hand on my shoulder snapped the bubble that had absorbed Calder and me.
I quickly drew my hands back and wiped my palms on my knees.
“Now, tell me what do you believe is the critical weakness holding back your wild core? What keeps you from unapologetically grasping for what you want in your relationship with Calder?”
The fact that it can’t be real. My jaw dropped, and I quickly snapped it shut.
My weakness . . . His perfect anatomy. The slow curl of his lips. The way he takes care of me even though he hardly knows me.
The way I wanted the man who broke my sister’s heart.
“My need for control?” I blurted out.
“Really?” Her tone made it clear she didn’t believe me. After regarding me for a long second, she turned to Calder. “Do you agree?”
“No,” Calder answered flatly. The way he saw right through me was as sharp as a knife through my chest.
I glared at him. Why couldn’t he just go along with it?
“Good. We welcome wild honesty, don’t we, Lara?” Great. I was being chided by a therapist about how I was treating my fake boyfriend.
“Yes,” I said through tight teeth.
“So, tell her, Calder—what do you believe her weakness to be?” Man, this woman wasn’t pulling any punches. As soon as it sounded less than honest, she dug her hooks in and demanded the truth. Ironic, since all this truth was built on a single lie.
And of course, Calder wouldn’t hold back; I knew he wouldn’t. “You always take care of everyone before yourself.”
I gaped. “I’m a doctor. It’s my job to take care of everyone else.”
Dr. Julia spoke first. “An honorable defense, Lara, but I doubt Calder was referring to your priorities while working.”
It didn’t matter, I chanted in my head. It didn’t matter. “It’s not a weakness to take care of people you care about.”
“Putting other people first is natural and can be healthy and even necessary in certain scenarios, but in a relationship, it creates a barrier around your wild core. Tell me, who do you prioritize in your relationship with Calder?”
My mind started to spin. From the drink. From everything. It tumbled my thoughts until I could no more distinguish real from fake than I could between up and down.
I prioritized no one because there was no relationship. No me and Calder. The only reason we were here was—“My sister,” I blurted out, a train wreck in two words.
Dr. Julia leaned back. Calder froze.
Crap. Emergency code Crap. I should’ve said Calder. That was the right answer. She’d asked who I prioritized in our relationship, and I should’ve said him. That was where this whole thing was heading. Instead, I’d answered with another truth.
“Your sister?” Dr. Julia repeated. I wished there was some way I could backpedal—some correction that would make sense. But there wasn’t. “Can you elaborate?”
My mouth parted. This was my fault. I was the one who’d put myself in this position. I was the one who’d insisted we join the retreat as a couple. I was the one who brought up Rachel.
“I . . .” My voice trailed off. Pull it together, Dr. Crane.
This is an emergency, and your lies are about to bleed out.
I had to give her something—something that wouldn’t make her question why we were here.
“Calder and my sister dated back in college. I guess . . . I guess I still put her and how things ended between them above my own feelings.”
It took a few long moments for the dust my words had kicked up to settle.
Long moments in which Dr. Julia said nothing, probably recognizing that she’d just pulled our fake relationship off its proverbial life support.
Long moments that turned the magnetic gold in Calder’s eyes molten with something I couldn’t decipher, didn’t understand.
Like there was something he wanted to say but was intentionally silent.
Not because of Dr. Julia, but because he was protecting me from something else.
“Thank you, Lara,” the doctor said softly, reaching out and resting her hand on my shoulder.
She did the same with Calder. “Thank you, Calder. I honor and appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I can see the connection you two have. It’s very primal.
Very promising. I can’t say I’ve had too many couples so willing to open up about themselves on the first attempt. ”
Maybe because there was no relationship for us to lose.
“I believe we have taken a significant first step here today to unburdening the wild core of yourselves and your relationship together.” It was only when she stood that my vacant attention finally broke.
“Now, the truth is only part of reaching our wild core. Like a worked muscle, it needs to be stretched so it doesn’t lose that openness. ”
Calder rose with her and then extended his hand to help me. Without thinking, I sank my fingers into his, where the warmth I’d felt in his gaze became tangible again.
“Ben is going to take you to your lodgings.” Dr. Julia extended her arm, beckoning a very different security guard from the trees.
Ben looked around our age, though with a kind of baby weight to his face and thinning blond hair.
He wore the same attire as Matthew, but filled it out with bravado rather than muscle.
With more smirk than smile, he barely spared Calder a glance before looking at me in a way that made my insides cringe.
The only thing that made it worse was the way he rested one hand on the gun at his waist like it was glued there—and to the power trip that having a weapon gave him.
“In your tent, you’ll find a schedule of events for the next two weeks, along with two journals, where you should spend the next two hours reflecting on our session.
We touched on a lot of deep and important things, and it’s critical to give yourself that alone time to process and respond to what we’ve uncovered. ”
She walked us over to Ben, and Calder stopped in front of me, partially shielding me from the other man.
I guess I wasn’t the only one who noticed his leer.
“I encourage you to spend your reflection outside, in nature. There are several open paths you can explore around your tent. My only request is that you respect the privacy of the other guests.” Dr. Julia’s pleasant voice took on an edge.
“Everyone has received instructions to remain separate until our first group session tomorrow morning, and the guards will be around to make sure everyone honors those instructions. It’s critical that the initial stage of this experience not be overwhelmed with too many external factors. ”
Great. So even if Rachel was here, we wouldn’t find out until the morning.