Chapter 12 Rowan
I had no clue what time it was.
I had no clue what day of the week it was.
I had no clue how many times I had orgasmed.
All I knew for certain was that Killian had forgiven me and apologized over and over for how long it took him to do it.
His knot locked us together, vibrating, eliciting orgasm after orgasm from my already spent body. Every time I swore there was no way I could climax again, Killian took it as a challenge and forced another one from me.
Arms wrapped tightly around my waist as he administered lazy licks to my neck.
We both were purring, driven by instinct to soothe each other and reconnect.
His mouth found the mark he had given me and rested there.
I suddenly remembered what he had said about wanting to bite me again once it had healed fully.
"Killian?"
"Yes, Little Bird."
"Are you going to mark me again?"
"Yes."
"When? Also, am I supposed to um, you know… mark you too?"
He chuckled with that rough, deep laugh that I had grown to love so much.
"Yes, omegas mark too. When this heals fully," His fingers brushed the scar, "I will mark you again."
He then added, "Maybe during your heat."
Heat. The thing I dreaded more than anything else.
His words reminded me how imminent it was, and nerves bubbled in my stomach. I tried calculating how long it had been since my last heat, which I hadn't even been awake for. I was overdue for my next one, but Dr. Michaels told me they would likely be irregular due to my prolonged suppressant use.
Most omegas looked forward to their heat. Packs did too. It was anticipated, talked about openly, even celebrated. Heat meant pleasure, release, and a sense of fulfillment that went deeper than the physical. It was when packmate-bonds tightened and instincts aligned.
And beneath it all was the possibility of pups.
That was the part that made it sacred. The chance to strengthen a bloodline, to bring new members into the pack. For many omegas, heat was not something to endure but something to want. Something they prepared for with eagerness instead of fear.
I had never felt that way.
While others counted down to it, I had spent my entire life fearing the loss of control it represented.
What excited them terrified me. The vulnerability, the attention, and the way my body would want things my mind was not ready to give, weighed on me.
And now, with everything else closing in around me, it felt more dangerous than ever to relinquish control.
Killian, sensing my nerves through the bond, put his large hand on my belly, rubbing in circles to soothe me. "It's okay, Crane. You'll do good. We've got you."
Suddenly, Cade's loud knock stirred us from the cocoon of pleasure we had wrapped ourselves in.
"Pack meeting, ten minutes! Attendance is mandatory."
"Busy," Killian growled.
"Killian, deflate your knot and bring Rowan out here now. She needs to eat. You can't keep her locked in your room forever. That's an order."
Killian growled again but didn’t argue, mainly because I turned over my shoulder and said, “I’m actually pretty hungry…”
A few minutes later, Killian slid one of his massive shirts over my head and carried me out to the kitchen. He sat at the table with me still in his arms, pulling me close against his chest. The smell of something delicious hit my nose, and my stomach growled loud enough to echo.
Talon and Cade were both in the kitchen, dishtowels slung over their shoulders, working in tandem to prepare lunch.
Cade heard my stomach growling and looked up, catching me squirming on his brother’s lap.
“Killian, let Rowan sit in her own seat. She needs some personal space. You two have had enough contact for one day.”
“I never thought those words would come out of your mouth, Cade,” I said with a grin, sliding off Killian’s lap into my own chair.
Cade sighed and went back to flipping food in the pan. He muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like “brat.”
“What’s for lunch?” I asked excitedly, practically drooling over the savory smell. I had certainly worked up a voracious appetite.
Talon brought my plate over, setting a grilled sandwich in front of me. He had piled it high with juicy tomatoes, avocado slices, spinach, fresh mozzarella, shredded chicken, and some type of condiment.
“Yum,” I said, looking up at him with a grin. “Thank you.”
“Of course,” he replied, taking a seat beside me. “There’s stew on the stove for dinner. Figured it’d be good for the cold weather. I'm glad you're finally getting to try my cooking.”
Cade brought Killian’s plate over, and Ryker sauntered out a few minutes later, grabbing his from the counter before taking the last open seat.
We were all together. The whole pack. Sharing a meal.
Something about the simplicity warmed me.
Ryker had picked all the vegetables off his sandwich, leaving neat little piles on the edge of his plate.
Killian barely breathed as he swallowed his in two bites.
Cade and Talon chatted back and forth, both shooting Ryker an irritated look when he started humming while he chewed.
It was peaceful, predictable, and domestic in a way I never imagined my life could be again. These men had become familiar; their little habits and quirks were easy to read. Despite how all of this had begun, my escape attempt and my refusal to accept this new reality, I felt momentarily content.
Everything had gone sideways since I’d joined the unit, so much chaos and uncertainty. But here, in this still moment, surrounded by these men, I realized perhaps happiness wasn’t impossible.
I’d gotten a taste of what it was like to belong when I was part of my band. But even then, my secrets had kept me on the outside. With these men, there were no secrets. No walls left to hide behind.
For the first time, I felt like I might actually belong somewhere.
For the first time, I wanted to be part of this unit.
Once our stomachs were full, Cade began the pack meeting. It was the first pack meeting they had included me in, and that warmed something in me.
“First order of business. Rowan will attend another science visitation tomorrow at 0800. Killian and I will chaperone her, while you two are on patrol,” he said, pointing to Ryker and Talon.
“What? Why? I already—”
“Rowan, I don’t know,” Cade cut in, giving me a stern look that told me not to interrupt again.
“I’d tell you if I did. But weekly visitations with the Border Front’s chief science officer was my father’s only condition for approving our transfer.
Your escape attempt and shift forced my hand. I had to agree.”
Killian’s nostrils flared, and his fists slammed against the table, the sound sharp enough to make me jump.
He started signing to Cade too fast for me to follow.
My heart pounded, sweat beading on my forehead.
The mention of the appointment sent me spiraling, and once again my wolf surged forward, pushing against the confines of her cage.
My last appointment with Dr. Zolkos had unsettled me more than I admitted at the time. Back then, I didn't know I was a shifter. I had no context for the questions he asked or the way his attention lingered.
Now I did. And I understood exactly what it meant.
Arca could never find out I had shifted. The risk was too great. And this new appointment made one thing painfully clear. Someone was still interested and watching me. I knew enough now to be afraid.
Cade was still talking when Talon’s sharp voice cut through the noise. “The pills,” he said urgently, nodding toward me.
Cade reached into his pocket, pulling out one of my “chill pills,” as Ryker liked to call them, and dropped it into my palm. I swallowed without complaint. The medication worked fast, and within minutes I could feel my volatile emotions smoothing out, the edge of panic dulling as my wolf receded.
“Rowan, are you feeling calmer?” Cade asked. “If you can’t stay present for this conversation, it’s okay. We can discuss it and fill you in once your emotions are more stable.”
“I’m fine, Cade!” I said, a little more sharply than I intended. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I’m just… scared. I don’t want to end up in a cage, getting poked and prodded like some test animal.”
“That will not happen,” Talon said, his tone firm, like it was a fact.
“It happened to you…” I said in barely a whisper. “I saw that little room with all the claw marks on the walls." My words quickened as my panic started rising again. "They kept you locked in there, Talon. I don’t want that to happen to me—or to you. I don’t want to—”
“Rowan, calm down now.” Cade’s bark cut through the panic in my chest. Then his voice softened. “Talon is right. That will not happen. We won’t let it."
I forced myself to breathe slowly, taking a deep inhale and exhale. “Then what am I supposed to do? How can I control the wolf when I can barely keep her calm now? I’ll be terrified and anxious. Am I just supposed to walk in and act like I’m not?”
“That’s exactly what you’re going to do,” Cade said evenly. “You’ll take your sedative right before the appointment. We can’t risk your wolf making an appearance.”
Ryker leaned forward, propping his elbows on the table. “What exactly are they looking for anyway? I mean, Zolkos already took enough blood to drain her last time. Plus all the samples they took without our permission while she was in a coma.”
“That’s what we’re going to figure out,” Cade said, glancing at Talon. “We need to know what they are after, what they suspect. Until we do, we keep our heads down and play this smart. Rowan goes to the appointments, does what Zolkos says. Let him think she’s compliant.”
Ryker snorted. “Rowan and compliant are two words that don’t go together.”
I shot him a glare. “What if they notice something? Or worse, what if they already know something?”
“Let us handle that, Pet,” Talon said.