Chapter Six
There were no words to describe how much Jay hated being completely unable to see.
Dr. Patel had assured Jay that everything had gone perfectly and that Jay’s eyes just needed to rest. That didn’t stop the silent panic attacks he kept having when an unfamiliar noise happened around him.
It was torture not tearing the eyepatch bandages from eyes.
He had been trained to react, to fight, and to survive.
Jay tried not to show any reaction when the chair beside him creaked, but it felt like his heart jumped into his throat.
Crisp immediately set his hand on Jay’s forearm.
Jay relaxed. Crisp rubbed his arm as if praising him.
Every couple of minutes or so, he heard Crisp turn the page of his book.
Jay hated interrupting him, but this was worse than the usual boredom.
“What’s this book about?”
Thankfully, Crisp didn’t sound irritated by Jay intruding on his reading time. “Mostly pirates.”
“Mostly?”
Crisp chuckled. “Do you really want to know this, or are you just that bored? We can talk about anything you’d like.”
Jay hated that he had made Crisp think his reading choices were dumb. Sometimes Jay didn’t express himself well. He was too used to being cold, unfeeling, and blunt. “I really want to know.”
“Okay. This was the first book I read when I discovered libraries. It’s probably only for that reason that it’s my favorite and I’ve read it a million times.
It’s forever pages long, it’s painfully obvious the author is a man writing under a woman’s pen name, and it spends way too much time describing every single item in the room. I skip those pages.”
A smile tugged at Jay’s lips. “You’re not making this book sound appealing.”
He loved the way Crisp laughed. “All that aside, I actually love it. It’s about a woman who started as a governess.
She ends up pregnant under the worst circumstances, and the wife of the household has her beaten until she miscarries and then throws her in the street.
A million things later, she ends up on a pirate ship.
She catches the captain’s eye—who is the most horrible person alive, by the way.
But he actually ends up helping her become so powerful and rich that she’s able to get her revenge.
There’s a lot more, of course. Like literally everything under the sun happens to this woman, but it’s really good if you continually skip the eight-page descriptions of a blue couch, pink dress, her reflection, and every room in general.
I can read it to you if you’d like. I finished my other book about five minutes ago, so I’ve just started this one.
It’s nothing to go back to the first page. ”
Jay heard the hope in Crisp’s tone. Truthfully, he kind of did want to hear these million things. “I’d like that.”
“Yay.” The whispered cheer had Jay smiling so big, it hurt. Not once had Jay seen his life turning into this. He couldn’t thank the universe enough.
It didn’t take long for Jay to get into the story. Crisp was amazing at adding emotion to the words. The realization jarred a memory from him. Crisp had said he had been trained to be an actor. It sounded like he would have made a good one.
He didn’t know how much time passed before he had to interrupt.
“Holy shit. You weren’t lying about these descriptions.
Feel free to skip them however you like.
For fuck’s sake, I’ve never walked into someone’s home and spent an hour of my life looking at every finite detail of their furniture. Ridiculous.”
Crisp chuckled at his outburst. “You got it.”
Jay realized how outraged he sounded over such a simple thing, but now he got Crisp’s earlier irritation. The story was very good—action packed and whatnot. It was also just long in parts for what felt like for no reason other than the sake of being long. That was annoying.
After more time passed, no more painfully long descriptions popped up.
Jay assumed Crisp had begun skipping those parts, but Jay didn’t notice anything lacking in the storyline.
But he couldn’t stop himself from interrupting again later in the story.
“Wait. She got attacked by wolves? You have to be fucking kidding me.”
“Well, she is in Siberia. That’s not a place you’d want to be alone and lost, even by today’s standards.” Crisp sounded pragmatic.
Jay had to concede that was a good point. “Sorry. Go on.”
Crisp read two more lines, and a phone rang, stopping the story. Jay growled at the interruption. He wanted to know how she got out of this one.
“It’s Foster,” Crisp said before answering the call. “Hello?” Pause. “Oh, hey. What do you mean, where am I? I’m up at Whistler Blackcomb, skiing. I don’t believe for a second Tracker didn’t know that. He keeps tabs on all of us. Where are you?”
Jay smiled at Crisp’s ingenuity. He had known there was no way to avoid his family tracking his phone.
So Crisp had checked into a ski resort, left his phone there during surgery and recovery.
Then they came here to stay until he was free of appointments and cleared to go home.
Crisp’s lies were only partial and therefore easier to keep up.
“Well, damn it, Foster. Why didn’t you tell me you guys planned to go to Hawaii for Christmas? Why didn’t you call sooner? I could’ve come back Christmas Day.”
Jay bit his lip to keep from laughing.
Crisp huffed. “I mean, all you had to do was ask if I had plans. You could’ve done that without ruining the surprise.”
A minute passed. Jay caught the occasional word coming from the phone.
Stuff about how they tried to call and kept getting a message saying the call couldn’t be completed as dialed.
They had almost come up here; they had been so worried, but Beau had said they were being ridiculous.
They couldn’t expect Crisp to sit around and do nothing because they had to make it a surprise.
Rain had agreed it wouldn’t be fair to ruin his skiing trip since they didn’t let him know they were coming.
That Beau bit floored Jay. Beau had made it clear he didn’t intend to get involved. It also kind of sounded as if Rain knew the truth and saved them. Of course, he was married to Austen. If Austen refused to hide Jay from Beau, he definitely wouldn’t hide anything from his husband.
“I’m so sorry. Damn, I feel terrible. I never would’ve left if I’d known you were coming. I miss you guys. How long are you staying? I could come back early.”
Jay didn’t hear Foster’s response. He was too busy wondering if that was true. Did Crisp miss his family? Was Jay damaging Crisp’s relationship with the people he loved the most? He hated the idea that he might be making Crisp’s life worse while Crisp made his so much better.
“Okay. I’ll see you in about a week, then. Again, I’m so sorry.”
Crisp rubbed Jay’s forearm as he listened to Foster say his goodbyes.
“I love you too. We’ll act like it’s Christmas when I get back. Erase-y-rasy.”
Jay fought a laugh at Crisp’s childlike words.
He honestly had no clue how he had ended up here, totally in love and feeling so much.
Jay’s smile slipped away. Truth be told, his emotions were terrifying in an unexpected way.
He still felt absolutely nothing beyond Crisp.
When he had sat in Beau’s office, before realizing they weren’t in danger, he had been absolutely unmoved by the idea of killing everyone in that room other than Crisp.
Admittedly, no one else in that house meant shit to him, but absolutely nothing did, so that was unsurprising.
Whatever had been brought to life inside him belonged to Crisp and Crisp alone.
He could kill every member of Crisp’s family tomorrow with zero regrets.
The only thing stopping him was how that would make Crisp feel.
He wondered what that said about him. Probably nothing good.
Crisp set his phone aside and tried to find where he had left off reading.
He didn’t want to think about reality or what might happen next.
Crisp had chosen to live for his happiness, and that was what he intended to do.
He kind of wished lying to Foster wasn’t part of that.
Tidy and Foster were his people. He had spent countless nights with both, talking about everything and nothing.
They were the two who cared. He might doubt a lot of things right now, but he was incapable of a single bad thought toward either.
They had leaned hard on each other over the years. He loved them.
“Where was I?” Crisp needed to move on from his racing mind.
Jay turned his face Crisp’s way as if he could see a single thing. “You were at the part where you tell me where your head is at. I don’t like the way this feels—this thing sitting on my chest, knowing being here with me is hurting you.”
Jay wouldn’t let this go and Crisp knew it.
His Russian accent had gotten too thick, the way it always did when his emotions ran high.
Crisp sat the book aside, face down again, and focused on Jay.
He swallowed past the growing lump in his throat.
“Okay. Well, let’s see.” He cleared his throat, fighting to sound normal.
Sometimes Crisp struggled to talk about his feelings.
Instead, he just picked a spot and started talking.
“When we escaped, we had nothing. Not only did we have nothing, but we were also wildly unprepared for the real world. There were many times we went hungry. We definitely had no access to medicine. Unfortunately, I got ridiculously sick. I was basically useless. No one knew what was wrong with me. All I knew was that I couldn’t get out of bed any longer. ”
Crisp’s shoulders relaxed. He could talk about the past. Some memories were good even when times were bad.
“In fact, I don’t recall much about those days.
Everything became like a fever dream. Foster and Tidy took turns staying with me.
They kept me alive.” Crisp chuckled. “Foster actually kidnapped a whole-ass doctor to help me. Shit, I thought for sure we were caught and dead after that one. But crazily enough, he chose the right one. The woman took one look at me and went to work. She didn’t care about her safety any longer.
She just became the doctor she was. It turned out I had a severe infection that was on the verge of sepsis.
She had Foster running errands, finding everything she needed to keep me alive.
Obviously, I lived, and she had no hard feelings. Compassion won, for once.”
“This is all very nice. I’m glad you’re alive, but you’re dodging my question.”
Crisp sat forward. “But that’s the thing; I’m not. I could tell you hundreds of stories just like that one where Tidy, Foster, and I saved each other through the darkest of shit, and I just lied to Foster. The worst part is, it wasn’t even hard because I did it for you.”
Jay nodded, as if he mulled over Crisp’s words. “You should leave me here.”
Crisp wanted to growl. “What? I’m not about to do that. Not only are you vulnerable and in my care right now, but you fucking matter to me.”
Jay’s jaw took on a stubborn tilt. “Leave me. I’m not worth what you’re doing to yourself.
You’re endangering the most important relationships in your life for someone who tried to hurt your family.
It’s only a matter of time before they learn about me.
What happens then? Do they kill me, or do I kill them?
There’s no good ending here unless you walk away now.
Save yourself. You’re worth more than I am. ”
Tears filled Crisp’s eyes at the conviction in Jay’s tone.
He fully believed he wasn’t worth fighting for, and that was exactly why he was worth it.
Crisp stood. He crawled onto the bed and straddled Jay.
The way Jay’s body moved slightly toward him as if mindlessly gravitating in his direction was the final piece snapping into place.
It was such a subtle, unconscious move, but it was a real one, and Crisp fell in love a little deeper.
He ran his hands up Jay’s chest. Jay’s hands found Crisp’s hips. Crisp stared down at his future. Jay loved him more than he loved himself. He was serious about sacrificing himself to spare Crisp a heartache down the road. “You’re so incredibly sexy. Have I told you that?”
Jay smiled. A bit of the heaviness lifted from the room.
Crisp didn’t stop. “If I wrote a book about you, I’d spend seventeen pages describing every detail of you.”
Jay laughed.
Crisp smiled at the sound. “I’d rush into a pack of wolves to save you in the middle of Serbia where you definitely were for no discernible reason.”
Jay laughed harder.
Crisp couldn’t look away. He turned serious.
“Foster will forgive me. That’s who we are.
Tidy knows about you and has let it go. I’m choosing this.
” Crisp leaned in and swept his lips across Jay’s.
“You’re stubborn.” Jay huffed at Crisp’s claim, but Crisp kept going.
He kissed Jay again. “But to me, you’re so fucking worth every aggravation. ”
Jay growled. “You’re not making this sound—”
Crisp kissed him, stealing Jay’s ability to keep arguing. He swiped his tongue across Jay’s, licking and exploring. He pulled away just enough to speak. “For the record, you’re still in charge. I just really want this kiss.”
Jay rolled, tucking Crisp beneath him. He gave Crisp the kiss he craved, and then some.
He shaped the lines of Crisp’s body with his hand, as if memorizing him.
Time slipped away along with all the world’s worries.
Maybe Crisp didn’t know how to get to a place where they never had to hide, but he wasn’t losing Jay.
Not now that he had finally found the missing piece of himself.
They had spent months building something completely unexpected.
This was permanent, even if they had to vanish to keep it.