Chapter 19 - I Chose This
Ispent the rest of the day meditating in my chambers to recover. Attempting to resist the Queen’s torture sapped my magic once again and the overnight tides were still hours yet away.
The orange sun threw long shadows against the walls as I strode down the castle hallways. It was a struggle to restrain the urge to check on Allie.
At the very least, I was assured she wasn’t in any danger. That much I could tell.
I felt no pain, no distress, nothing beyond the understandable measure of her apprehension to be within the daunting walls of the Queen who might at any moment try to eat her heart and kill her.
Hesitating by the turn in the hallway which as I’d managed to coerce out of Two led to her room, I shook my head briskly to clear it before whirling back around.
Allie didn’t want to see me anyway.
Turning down one of the corridors which looked out to the castle gardens, I stopped to glance out the arched window. A croquet game was underway on the rolling green lawns.
As the Duchess had mentioned, the Queen often put the games on for her amusement. She enjoyed watching her subjects falter and stumble with faulty mallets and moving targets. It seemed the day’s choice of mallet was some flamingos held upside-down whilst balled-up hedgehogs rolled across the grass.
Pausing to lean against the windowsill, I observed a little boy from the royal court attempt a shot. Shadowed by an older man in a formal uniform, his hand on the boy’s shoulder, the man still smiled when the boy missed widely. Then bending down, the man must have been whispering words of encouragement to the frustrated little boy.
You look just like your father…
The heart in my chest began to pound—erratic, hard.
What the…?
I let out a short grunt and clutched at my chest.
Without warning, the shadows in my chilling visions filled my eyes once again. Just as when I was at the Hatter’s merry-go-round, a flash of terrifying shadows and memories of screams plundered through my mind.
The blur of shadowy figures… I blinked twice and I could finally see them. Figures of people. All around me. Fear. Agony. Distress. The Queen’s silhouette soaring over everything, as though she owned the violet sky, as she laughed that malevolent laugh.
It was dusk then too.
When my family was killed…
Hopelessness stabbed at my chest, squeezing my heart.
Groaning in frustration, I staggered across the hall, almost missing the doorway to my chambers. I only managed to take two steps in before I collapsed to my knees.
This pain was different from the Queen’s lashings, but it was just as intense. The Queen’s lashings hurt my body. This hurt my heart with stabbing despair, as though my heart kept exploding into a thousand pieces over and over again.
“Oh god, Rabb! Are you okay?” Allie’s voice was panicked as her arm came around my back.
I was in too much pain I didn’t even notice her come in. I squeezed my eyes shut. I crumpled over as the stabbing in my chest intensified and I buried my face in my hands. My chest was burning, like it was being torn apart—like I was being torn apart.
“Rabb, what’s going on?” Allie wanted to know. “Please tell me.”
“The shadows, they grow bigger. I think I’m remembering…” I mumbled.
“Remembering what?”
“When I lost my family…” The truth sank in my stomach like a cold frost. “It was her…the Queen. She killed them all. Like animals. They became animals and she hunted them all down. I lost…everyone. That day, it was like my heart was torn out of my chest and broken into a thousand pieces.” My voice cracked, every gasp of breath was ice in my lungs.
“Oh, Rabb, I’m so sorry…” Allie’s voice was choked, as though the words hurt her too.
Tears stung my eyes but I didn’t let them fall. “I almost escaped. I hid in the woods for days. I was the smallest one but she found me. I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to feel anything,” I confessed, my jaw clenched. “And the Queen, she made me an offer to take the feelings away. It wasn’t going to hurt anymore. She said I was going to be the one to tear out hearts now.” The realization sinking in once again as I remembered, I nodded at the floor. “I chose this. I agreed. This is what I wanted. I remember now.”
Another wave of anguish and helplessness threatened to bring me to my knees again. I groaned out loud in protest, in indignation.
When Allie sank to put her hand on my shoulder again, I pushed her away. “This is all your fault! You broke me,” I accused. “Because of this heart.” I clutched at my chest. “I get hurt when you get hurt. Not only that. I can feel what you feel—what I feel. It’s been hell. Why can’t these feelings just go away? I don’t want them. I don’t need them! God—how can you people stand them? They’re all so confusing!”
“I-I don’t know,” Allie asserted. “We just do, I guess. Perhaps because you haven’t learned to deal with them, they hurt you more.” This time, when she put her hand on my back again, I didn’t resist. “As a scientist, I think I’ve never relied on feelings. I’ve always treasured logic. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t make myself care about someone else because it just didn’t make any sense,” she reasoned. “But here, nothing makes sense. And…I’m starting to think that maybe feelings are more useful than I thought. Feelings make us stronger. Feelings help us endure.”
My face was too hot. I was way past begging. “Please. Is there anything—I need medicine for this pain.”
Allie grimaced. “I’m afraid pains of the heart have no medicines, Rabb.”
I shook my head, trying to straighten up but nearly stumbling over. A massive weight of guilt pressed on my chest, the weight of the spirits of everyone I’d hurt as an assassin. “It doesn’t matter. You were right. I deserve this. I deserve this for everything I’ve done. I’ve killed so many people…”
Allie caught my arm. “No!” she argued, her conviction sharp. “It’s not your fault. Your human feelings were torn out of you. You couldn’t feel sympathy or compassion. You had no control over what you were doing. You didn’t realize what you were doing was wrong.”
She stroked my back up and down and somehow, the discomfort in my chest began to dissipate. Her warmth, her closeness washed over me. Her soft words were a balm, soothing my aching soul. “You steal people’s hearts and they turn into ghosts, but the truth is you have been the living ghost all this time. I-I understand… I understand now, Rabb—”
A knock on my door made Allie jump.
It was Five. “Miss Allie, there you are. The maids are ready for you.”
“Oh, crapshoot,” Allie cursed. She frowned before meeting my gaze with a plea in hers. “I have to go get changed for the ball. I’m so sorry.”
Taking a deep steadying breath, I took a long moment to compose myself. Dropping my gaze for a moment, I shook my head. Sensing a fresh wave of sympathy and care from Allie, the tension in my body was finally easing, the darkness being displaced by light. I cleared my throat. “There’s no need to be. I am fine.”
When I met her gaze again, the pure concern and worry in those honey-brown eyes sent a fresh jolt of feelings to my chest, but this time they didn’t hurt.
Even as Allie was standing two whole feet away, I felt a tug toward her, the warmth in the space between us undeniably inviting as I held her gaze in the tenuous silence.
The murmured words slipped out of me, “Thank you.”
Unbidden, Allie’s gaze dropped to my mouth. The heart in my chest started drumming away once again, and for some reason, her forehead creased in curiosity.
I narrowed my eyes, watching the expression in hers change.
It was as if she was…straining to hear something. The gears in her mind were working once again. But after a split second, she blinked in surprise and whirled to leave.
I swallowed hard as she exited my chambers.
For the first time ever, I was curious.