Trapped (Under Northern Skies #3)

Chapter 6

Chapter

Six

Of course, it’s Ethan! His photo stares at me like I’m America’s Most Wanted Person.

My heart beats faster as I prepare for his sermon.

“Hello?” I answer cautiously.

“Lou?” Ethan sounds breathless, he probably didn’t expect me to actually answer the call.

“No, this is Batman! Of course it’s me, Eth, who else would it be?” I ask, deliberately cheerful.

“Lou! Thank God! You’re alive!” It’s quiet for a while and I hear him take a couple of long, deep breaths. Then he says, “I’ve been picturing the most horrible things. Are you all right? Did he hurt you?”

If he’s that worried, I’m sure he’s too relieved to rip my head off. I walk back to the window with my phone and gaze out at the pink morning sky over Seattle. “Of course, I’m fine,” I say, still elated. “Why wouldn’t I be? What reason would Bren have for hurting me? He loves me…didn’t Jay tell you anything?” I ask, confused. “I’ve been texting him.”

“You’re crazy!” Ethan doesn’t even respond to my last question. I hear him snort and picture him pacing our kitchen. “Lou, you must come back immediately. That man is sick! Do you understand that? Disturbed! Dangerous!” Now his voice no longer sounds worried but instead swells. Sure, now that he knows I’m fine, he can vent his anger. Typical Ethan! I better stay calm so he can see how serious I am.

“I’m not coming back,” I say firmly. “Maybe after the summer and then only with Bren. I really do love him, Ethan. He’s a good man.”

Dead air. I glance at the display, thinking he hung up or the call was cut off, but then he starts cannoning against him and I hardly understand a word of what he is saying. I hear snippets like for fuck’s sake, Louisa, a criminal, a kidnapper of a minor, of a child!

Finally, he interrupts his endless monologue after working himself into a rage, barely able to breathe.

“Ethan, maybe we’ll talk more after you’ve calmed down.” I feel grown up and precocious, but I truly don’t want to argue with him. He knows what he needs to know: I’m fine and I’m spending the summer with Bren—and I’m not breaking up with him after that either! I subconsciously shake my head when he tries to start again. “There’s no point!”

“Lou, if you hang up now…”

“Call me when you’re calmer!” I interrupt, my words drowning out his. “Then I will be able to understand you better!” I quickly add. Maybe he should breathe into his hand or a bag first.

I hang up. Obviously, I know it’s cowardly, but now Ethan has time to digest the facts. There’s no point yelling like that. Maybe he thought it was a spontaneous decision, a sudden idea that I’d give up as soon as he yelled some sense into my head. What does Ethan know about love? After all, he’s never had a girlfriend. Maybe because he had to take care of us all even though we’ve been old enough to take care of ourselves for a few years now. And yet he lives his life as if he has taken a vow of chastity. How could he understand me?

When my phone buzzes again, I almost drop it, stunned. Should I answer it again? Ethan’s photo looks at me so intently. I think about everything that went through my mind at Walmart the other day. “Ethan?”

“Lou, I beg you, listen to me!”

“Okay.”

“This Brendan Connor is a criminal. He kidnapped you! He drugged you and put you in a box! You can’t love someone like that, Louisa. It isn’t real love. You are sick, too! You need urgent help!”

“I’m not sick, Ethan. I had almost a year to figure out that I love Bren! I’m hanging up now, see you after the summer! I love you, Eth!”

“Louisa Josephine Scriver, you…”

I end the call, turn the vibration setting off, and stuff the phone in my pocket. I’m not sick! How could he say something like that without knowing all the facts?

Uncomprehending, I flop down on the blanket and stare outside.

Of course, initially in the Yukon, even I believed my feelings for Bren were purely psychological. The victim falls in love with the perpetrator, who also happens to look stunning. What if Bren was a 50-year-old overweight Quasimodo? I certainly wouldn’t have fallen in love with him then, that’s for sure. Besides, I already liked Bren in the visitor center. The fact that he kidnapped me only makes our love, which couldn’t be stopped anyway, more complicated. Ethan will figure it out.

When Bren returns, I briefly mention the conversation, but he doesn’t say much about it. As always. On the other hand, a lot is going on in his mind that he’ll let me in on, at the latest, when he has finalized new plans. Maybe he doesn’t want to come between me and my brothers.

Later, to help Ethan pull himself together, I take a selfie of Bren and myself in front of the picture windows—in the background the brightly lit Space Needle against a starless evening sky. I’ll send the photo to Jay on WhatsApp so he can show it to Ethan.

We’re staying in the suite for the next few days. Once, we go to the hotel restaurant for breakfast, but I can sense Bren’s tension when the young waiter openly flirts with me. He clenches his hand under the table and I’m afraid he is going to slam it in his face right there in the pompous breakfast room. So, I suggest we don’t leave the suite for the next few meals, after all, we don’t have a designer kitchen for nothing.

We shut out the world in a different way than we did in the Yukon and I find Bren more exuberant during the day than ever before. We play tag and even hide-and-seek like kids, kiss and make love, watch TV together, and eat late-night delicacies that Bren orders.

It’s only the nights that are reminders of what has passed. While my nightmares have stopped all of a sudden since arriving at the Seattle Plaza, Brendan’s are getting increasingly worse. I asked him if it was because he stopped going to therapy, but he didn’t know.

When he wakes up next to me in front of the window bathed in sweat, trembling and disoriented, I hold him in my arms and talk to him like during his flashbacks in the Yukon. Sometimes, when he’s barely cognizant, I give him the chili peppers, and when that’s not enough, he stands in the freezing shower for ten minutes. Luckily, he hasn’t experienced a real flash like I witnessed before and I’m becoming ever more hopeful that we will actually manage to conquer the past.

Today, we got some supplies from the RV and made a hearty vegetable stew so we won’t have to throw so much away. Bren is in the park across the street with Grey and I’m taking a shower. We feel guilty that Grey is not getting enough exercise and we urgently need to discuss how we’re going to move forward.

I hear him knocking on the door and slip into the white dress Bren loves to see me in sans underwear and glance in the mirror. My hair shines, my skin shimmers, and my eyes sparkle like stars as Bren says. I’ve never looked happier than I do these days.

I open the door with a flourish. “You’re back early…” The rest of the sentence gets stuck in my throat.

Ethan stands in the doorway glaring at me. Anger, horror, and indignation are reflected in his oval face, but he says nothing.

“What…?” …are you doing here? I want to ask, but I have a lump in my throat that holds back the words. I’ve never seen Ethan like this! His hands are tense down to his little fingers and it looks as if he’s trying to keep himself from beating the crap out of me. I instinctively take a step back, but he follows me and grabs my upper arm. Now I also discover Avery. He’s right behind him, the look on his face a reflection of Ethan’s.

“The party is over. You’re coming with us!” Ethan’s voice sounds terribly controlled. He is really scaring me. He drags me rudely into the hallway. I stumble hard, but his grip keeps me from falling.

“Ethan, I can’t… I don’t want to… I have to close the door…you’re hurting me…” Fragments of sentences slip from my lips. I’m still too perplexed to react. I just let him drag me away.

How did they even find me? How did they get this address?

I have no time to think as Ethan ruthlessly drags me down the hallway with Avery following like a bodyguard.

“Ethan, what are you doing? Talk to me!”

My brother gives me a look that makes my blood run cold. His eyes are like blue ice. I get that he’s angry, but more than angry, he looks like he can’t even think straight. Almost like Bren, a small voice inside me whispers.

As we arrive at the golden elevator area, I spot Liam. He is holding an elevator open with his body.

“Liam!” So he’s here, too! My brothers almost seem like traitors to me!

Liam looks at me, a hint of a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth, but then he wipes his face, leaving a battle-ready expression I can’t quite place.

Suddenly, everything happens quickly. Ethan pushes me into the elevator and Liam presses the second-floor button of the thirty floors. It’s only at this moment that I fully understand the plot against me.

“You were waiting for Bren to leave!” I say, completely stunned, feeling anger rising inside me. “Why don’t you want to talk to him? What are you doing here anyway?”

The door closes. None of my brothers say anything. Their expressions are as opaque as blocks of granite, even Avy’s soft features are as hard as iron. The uneasy feeling inside me grows. I have no idea what they’re up to, but Bren might believe I ran away. He might even get a flash!

I reluctantly wipe my forehead. “You can’t just take me with you!” Besides, I’m half naked! I’m not even wearing panties! a fact that none of them seem to notice in their rage. Are they going to drag me through the lobby like this? But Liam didn’t press the button for the first floor. Did they reserve a room on the second floor?

I look straight ahead. In the mirror, I see my breasts flashing under the thin fabric. Everything underneath is flashing! Even if I covered one spot with my hands, the others would remain exposed.

My cheeks start to burn. I don’t want them to see me like this! Maybe that’s why they aren’t saying anything? Maybe that’s why they’re avoiding my gaze because they don’t want to embarrass me. I carefully glance up. I see my brothers reflected a hundred times in the elevator mirrors. It’s creepy, they look like that Chinese terracotta army. Several Ethans, Averys, and Liams with stone features.

A strange feeling washes through me. “Where’s Jay?” I ask, unable to keep my voice steady.

Over my head, I see them exchanging looks in the mirror. Ethan’s fingers tighten around my arm, but I don’t make a sound—I’m not going to give him that pleasure.

I glance at Liam furtively through the glass, but he desperately avoids my gaze, instead pressing his thumb against his ring finger, something Tibetan that he only does when he’s tense. He may be as uncomfortable in this situation as I am. And maybe he understands me a little too, after all, he went to India when he was eighteen to find himself in limitless nirvana.

The elevator stops at the second floor and Ethan steers me into the hallway behind Avery with Liam bringing up the rear. “Do you have a room here?” I try again to get them to talk.

No answer. Why aren’t they saying anything? Do they want to punish me with their silence? For a moment, I consider breaking free and running, but in the end, I don’t stand a chance against the three of them. Also, I don’t want the situation to escalate. If I fight back now, I’ll put them in a terrible position. It’s bad enough Ethan is gripping me so tightly.

They escort me down the plush corridor to a heavy steel door that looks utterly out of place between the green velvet carpet and the crystal chandeliers. Emergency exit. Avery opens it and Ethan pushes me through.

They know the hotel inside and out! How long have they been spying on me?

Sterile gray stairs lead downward. My feet are icy on the concrete. There are more doors in the basement, a laundry room, and another staircase that leads back upstairs. Eventually, we get to the parking lot where Bren’s RV is parked. In the dark, it looks like a monster between all the luxury cars.

As we pass it, I notice the tires are flat.

“Did you puncture the tires?” I blurt out angrily. Where were the pompous security guards? Suddenly, I realize how serious they are. Their grim faces, their silence, the tires. They are on a vigilante justice trip! They want to separate me and Bren forever! But since when do they act like tough guys?

They take me to a blue Nissan I don’t recognize. Of course, it’s not parked on the hotel grounds but one street over.

“What’s all this? Why won’t you talk to me?” I struggle as Ethan forces me in, but it’s no use. I end up sitting between him and Avery in the back seat, whereas Liam gets in up front and drives off.

I catch his gaze in the rearview mirror, his blue eyes clear and without anger, but he still won’t respond to my words. They won him over!

I curl up in the back of the car, squeezing my thighs together so I don’t touch Ethan and Avery, but there’s not enough room. Avery’s long legs touch mine, his jeans rubbing against the thin silk of the diaphanous dress and Ethan’s torso pins me against Avery like I’m a sardine in a can.

They still don’t seem to have noticed my nudity under the dress or they’re hiding it well.

I hunch my shoulders, forming an X with my arms to cover my chest and lap. At home, it was never a problem for me if one of them accidentally walked into the bathroom when I was in the shower and forgot to lock it. But this situation is different.

Ethan glances at me sideways, teeth clenched.

“Why aren’t you talking to me?” My voice sounds weak, not at all confident.

“Oh—we’ll talk soon enough, Louisa. Later. Not here!” Ethan still looks like he wants to beat me.

We drive along the city park near the hotel and I turn, searching for Bren and Grey, but of course it’s in vain. They usually stay for one and a half or even two hours at the duck pond in the middle of the park. The moment is over as soon as Liam turns onto the main thoroughfare.

I look ahead again. The heat builds in the car, which seems twice as oppressive due to my brothers’ anger. At a red light, Liam rolls down the window and an exhaust-laden night wind blows into the Nissan.

Limousines, convertibles, and family cars pass by, music blaring from the speakers in the open cars. Lights and more lights, laughter, billboards, hotel entrances with flags. Liam continues driving and I no longer remember the way. After a while, we leave the city center and the streets turn into wide suburban roads. Motels alternate with workshops and industrial buildings. From time to time, we pass low-income apartment blocks. I’ve given up trying to get my brothers to talk.

Are they going straight to Ash Springs? At some point, however, we’ll have to stop. There’s no way I’m going back home with them. Under no circumstances. Never!

Eventually, Liam pulls up to a seedy motel on the outskirts of Seattle. Ethan pulls me out of the car exactly the way he pushed me in, grabbing my upper arm. As soon as I stand on the dilapidated asphalt, I energetically tear myself free.

“You can stop it now, I’m not running away,” I hiss at him venomously. He scrutinizes me while keeping close to me. At least he spares me the vise grip.

“We’re going to talk here!” he says, sounding ominous, like I’m about to go to jail. I hope they don’t actually lock me up. But they wouldn’t go that far, would they?

I suddenly recall the blue-dyed mashed potatoes in the school cafeteria last year. Back then, Ethan would have grounded me for a summer. I glance at him sideways. Whole universes lie between last year and this one. So much has changed between us and I thought it was for the better. I stopped making trouble, I studied, and I rarely went out. I lived my life based on his rules and he saw that I had changed, matured. And I really have and I can lead my own life now, but apparently he doesn’t like it. Maybe he doesn’t want me to grow up! Why did they stop here instead of driving on immediately?

I glance around uneasily while my brothers surround me like a triangle and lead me across the parking lot. Baker’s Motel. Interstate 5. Maybe I can somehow get a message to Bren so he knows where I am. He could pick me up here and we could run away together. Knowing him, he will have solved the problem with the tires quickly. My hand goes to the bag with the cell phone, but then I suddenly remember that I don’t have it with me, of course. I have nothing with me, not even money or panties! How am I supposed to get out of here—half naked?

Shivering, I rub my arms and enter the motel behind Liam through a side entrance that leads to a desolate hallway. Cold concrete, nothing else. And it smells like a freshly emptied black-water tank.

When Ethan finally closes the door of the shabby motel room, I feel like a little animal in a cage, a bit like last year except these are my brothers. Oh, the irony!

I look around. The room contains only a ratty double bed with an old-fashioned floral quilt, a wooden table, and two chairs. The only window has a long crack in one pane and the curtains are faded and pulled to the side so that you can see outside into the parking lot.

“Now what?” I ask and notice, to my annoyance, that I sound intimidated.

Ethan, Avery, and Liam stand in the glow of a streetlamp that shines through the window. The dim light makes their faces appear even grimmer, and for the first time, I’m truly scared. My gaze wanders from one to the other. Ethan with the tight ponytail, the lumberjack shirt, and the angry face, someone who does physically hard work, which also shows; Avery, the tallest, with the gentle eyes and the soft lips, both narrowed now; and Liam, whose hair is just growing back and stands up wild and bristly. He’s the smallest of my brothers, but still over six feet tall, thin and wiry from years of ascetic practice and the many cigarettes he rolls himself.

Their intense stares force me into a defensive stance without them saying anything.

“I love Bren and Bren loves me. No one will ever be able to separate us. Nobody!” I say, my lips trembling.

Ethan takes a step toward me—I’ve never seen such anger in his eyes. He raises his hand and, the next moment, smacks me across the face. Real hard.

Sparks of red flash across my field of vision, pain and heat blazing in my cheek. I reflexively place my fingers against it and stare at him in disbelief, unable to say anything.

Ethan’s nostrils flare. “How could you leave us worrying again? How dare you deceive us for months?” His voice is cold with anger. “How dare you lie to us!”

Hot, bitter anger surges inside me. “Because I love Bren!” I yell at him, feeling tears gathering in my eyes. “Because he’s a good person despite the kidnapping. Because he couldn’t have acted any differently because he hadn’t known anything else but beatings, violence, and darkness! And because I am his light,” I add stubbornly, wiping my eyes.

Seemingly stunned, Ethan covers his face with his hands. In that second, I know he’ll never understand, and suddenly, he’s more of a stranger to me than ever.

Finally, he lowers his arms again and his angry expression fades. His turquoise-blue eyes widen like saucers. His eyes scan my body and he blushes.

Instinctively, I step backward until the frame of the double bed pokes the back of my knees and cup my hands protectively over my chest. My face burns with shame.

“Don’t just stare at me like that…” I choke out. He comes to his senses and glances sheepishly at the wall.

Apparently, Liam and Avery are just now noticing how I’m dressed. Liam grins, then clears his throat loudly, and turns. Avery pulls off his mustard-colored shirt and holds it out to me with one long arm as if afraid to get close. He looks past me and I gratefully slip it on and button it up. Luckily, Avery is a Goliath, so the shirt comes down to my thighs, covering most of what matters. Inwardly, I breathe a sigh of relief, no longer feeling quite so exposed.

“Bren’s not a criminal,” I tell Ethan now. It’s hard for me to look at him after he hit me, but there’s no other way. I cross my arms in front of my chest. “And yes, he’s not healthy, but he’s also not totally crazy like you’re making him out to be!”

“Sit down, Louisa,” Avery says, pulling out a chair.

I stand stock-still.

“We’re going to talk for a while, so sit down!” Ethan snaps. His gaze is unyielding and hard, and because I’m afraid he’ll get physical again, I obey. Anger throbs in my heartbeats. Ethan has only raised his hand to me once and that was when I claimed to have run away. I couldn’t blame him, given the situation. Because if I had actually been thoughtless enough to leave them in the dark about my whereabouts, I would have deserved it.

But this is something completely different.

“If you force me to do anything, you’ll be just like Bren was last year,” I say quietly.

His fist smashes the tabletop in front of me, the wood groaning under the force and I flinch in shock.

“Don’t compare me to that…that lunatic!”

“He’s not a lunatic. His stepfather tortured him when he was a child, he…”

“What Ethan’s trying to say,” Avery interrupts, sitting across from me while Liam collapses onto the bed, which creaks loudly. “We’re worried about you, Lou.” He sounds much calmer than Ethan—what a relief. At least he is keeping a cool head. Nonetheless, his gaze is deadly serious. “We think you’re mentally ill. It’s not your fault, but your whole behavior is unnatural. It’s not like you at all to lie to us for such a long time, Lou. What did you think you were doing? Apart from the fact that child protective services came to our house and scrutinized our family…”

“I’m sorry about that too, but…”

“But nothing!” Ethan interjects angrily. “Avery may believe you have Stockholm syndrome and he might be right, but nevertheless, your behavior is irresponsible. This person kidnapped you and committed acts of violence.”

“This person has a name and he…”

“Damn it, if you interrupt me again…”

“What? Will you hit me again?” Ethan flinches. “You are committing acts of violence to get your way! Bren never hit me!”

“He brutally drugged you and carted you halfway across the United States to Canada in a box! Like cattle! You could have died!” His voice cracks like that of an excited child. “And you want to love this guy?” He paces back and forth in front of the table before stopping close to me. “I’ll tell you what: Yes, it actually is sick. I just don’t know if I should put you over my knee first or put you in a psychiatric ward.”

“Ethan, I’ve had many months to figure out how I truly feel about Brendan. I had seen him before and I liked him, wanted to get to know him.”

“We know all that from your letters and Jay. Don’t bother! It doesn’t change the facts.” Ethan juts out his chin angrily, tolerating no argument.

“Where’s Jay? Why isn’t he here?”

Avery raises an eyebrow in astonishment. “You have to ask?” He has folded his hands on the table and makes a saintly face like the mediator he always is.

I glance from one to the other. Liam looks away as our eyes meet. “Where is he?”

Ethan shrugs. “I don’t care, to be honest.”

My mouth gapes. “What?” I shake my head, confused. “Isn’t he at home?”

“The word home no longer exists for him!”

“You threw him out,” I whisper, shaken. I feel like something is breaking inside me but I don’t know what. Panic gathers in my stomach. “He just finished school. How can you just kick him out?”

“He chose to leave,” Ethan replies sharply.

The strange sense of alienation increases as I eye my eldest brother. Suddenly, there seems to be a wall between us. “Did you hit him too?” I ask softly.

“This isn’t about Jay, and the sooner you realize that, the better. We’re here to discuss what’s best for you.”

“Oh, yes, what’s best for me! We did that last year, too. And do you recall what the outcome was? I had to go camping with you guys and Brendan kidnapped me! That was the result of what’s best for me, according to you! Now what will be the consequence of your actions? Will a tank roll over me or a terrorist blow me up?” I narrow my eyes at him. “Why are we here? Why didn’t we go straight home?”

Liam lights a hand-rolled cigarette. “Our car broke down and we had it towed to a garage,” he explains calmly as if we were merely discussing the weather. “We have to wait until it’s repaired.”

I nod and he takes a long drag, tilting his head back before blissfully blowing out the smoke. Unlike Ethan and Avery, he doesn’t seem angry. Okay, he’s younger, twenty-three, Bren’s age. Maybe he sees the whole thing from a different perspective, if that’s even possible.

“How did you know where I was?”

“Ethan has Jay’s cell phone,” Avery simply states.

“You’ve read my messages to him?” Not only that, he even answered them! I grow even more indignant. That means Ethan pretended to be Jay, texted me, and was already on the way to Seattle. That’s why they got here so quickly.

Now I understand why Jay, aka Ethan, never wrote anything about his reaction to the letter. “How long have you had it?”

Ethan doesn’t answer. Suddenly, he seems tired and the fine lines around his eyes look like furrows in a plowed field.

“You posted the picture of you and this guy with Seattle and the Space Needle in the background. It wasn’t difficult to figure out which hotel you must be in.”

“But they’re not allowed to give you any information at reception about which room we’re in.”

“I told them the truth. Namely that you’re underage and ran away from home. I showed them a photo of you and threatened to call the police if they were not forthcoming. You may not want to believe it, but something like that is convincing.”

I say nothing else. Naturally, he has every right to do this, at least legally. Still, I feel betrayed, even though I’m the one who has been lying all the time lately. It’s logical that Ethan is angry, which is what I expected. But I didn’t think he’d be so unapproachable.

“Eth, I love Bren,” I say quietly. “That is real.”

“He lied to us, Lou. Without batting an eye. That day you disappeared. Did he tell you that too?”

I stare at him blankly. “He lied to you?”

“Liam and I were walking down the road searching for you and saw him and his damn RV parked by the side of the road. He said his wife just put the kid to bed and we shouldn’t be shouting. Can you imagine that? I recognized him immediately from the pictures you sent Jay. Care to know why?”

“No.” I’m shocked. Imagining Brendan talking to them is incredible. Why didn’t he ever mention this to me?

“Because at the time, I had a very bad feeling! I just didn’t know why. Something about the guy struck me as odd.”

“Then you should have recognized him from Hero of the Week, too!” I say defensively. He must be lying.

“I didn’t know about the kidnapping at the time and I didn’t put those two faces together.”

“It’s true, Lou,” Liam confirms without being asked.

I look at Ethan thoughtfully. “You never mentioned that you spoke to someone at the campground.”

Ethan’s face softens a tad and, suddenly, for a few seconds, he looks like the Ethan I know and love. Like the one who taught me how to read and write and sang lullabies for hours when I wouldn’t fall asleep. “There’s a lot we didn’t tell you, Lou. A lot. We didn’t want to burden you with it or make you feel even worse. We believed you had run away.”

We’re silent for a while, the sweet smoke from Liam’s cigarette filling the room, weighing heavily on my lungs. It reminds me of Bren, who also always smokes. I hope he’s okay, he just has to be okay. Eventually, Liam stubs out the cigarette.

“Which one of you went to Crescent City and put up the missing person notice?”

“That was me.” Liam looks at me and I look back. Something warm connects us, a touch familiarity and loving. I remember the days when pink rhinos still roamed our world, when he ate the A cookie from my name, and I was allowed to ride on his shoulders every night, hands raised to the sky like I was holding a net for the moon and stars.

Liam clears his throat and suddenly his eyes are wet. “It had been a bad day, Lou. One of the worst.”

I bite my lip and the tears that have been sitting so loosely since Ethan slapped my face fall from my eyes. Seeing him so sad feels awful.

“I’m sorry!” I choke out.

“It’s not your fault you were kidnapped,” Avery states matter-of-factly, but his eyes now show sympathy.

“How did you endure it, Lou?” Liam shakes his head, gets up, and hugs me. I allow it and lean against him. “You should have talked to us. You could have explained it to us. Don’t you think we would have helped you?”

“You would have said I was sick, like a moment ago! You would have wanted to report him. That’s why I made up all the lies. Bren is not the monster you think he is. But…no one can understand that.” I sound bitter.

Liam releases me and sits on the edge of the table in front of me. “That may be true,” he says, looking at me intently from above. “None of us doubts that he has experienced terrible things. Surely, at the time, he couldn’t act otherwise, but what if the kidnapping made you sick as well, Lou?”

“No.” My heart beats faster. His words suddenly unsettle me, mainly because they come from him and he seems to have more understanding than Avery or Ethan.

“I educated myself. Also about Stockholm syndrome. There are reports that victims often stay in contact with the perpetrators for years. A woman who survived a kidnapping and fell in love with the perpetrator during that time visited him in prison for many years afterward. She still liked him.”

“But she didn’t love him anymore, did she?” I pull out of Liam’s embrace. “I, on the other hand, will love Brendan forever.”

“You’re seventeen,” Ethan scoffs, turning the corners of his mouth down. “Do you really think you can already talk about great love?”

“At least I know what love is like. Maybe you just don’t have a say in that!”

“Lou,” Avery admonishes me sternly across the table.

“Leave it be! She’s completely blind.” Ethan shakes his head. “We won’t make progress using logic. A few months in her room, however, will certainly cure her.”

“I’m not going home with you,” I say firmly.

“You will have no choice. I still have custody.”

“You can lock me up for two months, but then I’ll be eighteen…”

“In Nevada, you’re not an adult until you’re nineteen if you’re still in high school.” The mockery drains from his face, instead, he looks at me as if I’m terminally ill. “Don’t worry, Lou, we’ll fix this. Me, Avery, and Liam.”

Something clicks in my brain. “Oh, hell no,” I yell, jumping up so abruptly the chair topples over. He does not understand anything! I glare at Ethan. “You don’t have to fix anything! Okay, now you have the facts! I didn’t run away last year, and if you really knew me, you’d never have believed it.” Even though I lied so perfectly at the time, out of the blue, it pains me that they bought my story. At the time, I was happy about it. I brush the feeling aside and look into Ethan’s eyes. “Yes, it’s true, I was lying in a box, terrified. I thought Bren was going to kill me. I was silently pleading for my life, I was homesick, and I stopped eating because I missed you all so much!” I look from one to the other and they suddenly seem apprehensive. Liam has tears in his eyes again. “I thought I’d never see you again. You weren’t the only ones who suffered. I suffered too! I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it all. And yet I fell in love with Brendan. But not immediately, that happened later because I realized what a good person he is. Releasing me was his decision. Something inside him has been healed. Maybe even through love!” I swallow a few times before I can continue. “You continue to believe you must protect me. How do you think I got through it all so well? How do you think I survived? Why I didn’t have nightmares?”

All three just stare at me.

“I am much stronger than you imagine. So, stop your constant worrying about my well-being or my state of mind. I’m doing well.”

Breathless, I stop and realize it’s true. I am strong. I can take more than I give myself credit for. Unfortunately, I can’t make them understand. I’ve outgrown myself in the last year and it certainly wasn’t right to hide the truth from them. It made everything even harder, makes it harder now; still, I don’t regret it. I did it for Bren, too, so they wouldn’t press charges.

“You need to see a psychologist.” Ethan walks towards me and I reflexively back away. With his arms hanging, he stands there, his breathing labored. “I’m sorry, Louisa. I should never have hit you.”

Tell that to the wind. Bren’s words are on the tip of my tongue, but I don’t say anything or even nod. Part of me will never forgive him for that.

“Lou, no one can deal with a nightmare like this alone. I’m sure you repressed a lot about the kidnapping. Maybe things happened that you don’t want to remember!”

“I didn’t repress anything.”

Skeptical, Ethan frowns. “How do you know?”

“Bren never…never against my will…” I choke. “And, otherwise…”

“Sit down. Please.” Even Ethan seems to have recovered and can talk to me normally again.

I flop down into the chair because, at the moment, I can’t escape anyway.

Ethan gestures for Liam to leave his seat, so Liam returns to the bed and plops down. Ethan sits on the edge of the table. “I don’t care what you think. I say you need help, so I’ll make sure you get it. I’ll also make certain this Brendan never comes near you again.” We stare at each other, but we’re not on a level playing field because he’s elevated. “I’ve never been more serious about anything, Louisa. We need to talk about everything that happened to you. You need to work that out.”

I clench my hands under the table, not saying anything because I know there’s no point in arguing with him. Ethan won’t change his mind in 133 years, so I have to play along now or I’ll never be able to get away from them.

“Your love is a disease. But it can be healed. We can do it.”

Yes, we will, I think sarcastically. Hopefully, Bren understands that I didn’t run away, that I was forcibly taken by my brothers. Imagining him believing I’d run away from him turns my stomach.

“Can I at least text him?” I ask.

Ethan’s face darkens and his eyes flash. “No contact. Never again. Think of it like a sober alcoholic…”

“But he will…”

“I really don’t give a damn what happens to him!” he cuts me off harshly.

Oh my God! First, he hits me so hard that I see stars and now he is abusive. The signs are pointing to a storm—I can only go with the flow. “Okay,” I give in quickly to reassure him I’m cooperating. “Whatever you say.”

He laughs as bitterly as only Bren does. “Don’t take me for a fool! I know you better than you know yourself. I see exactly what you’re thinking.”

“This isn’t a game, Louisa,” Avery now interjects. Wow, he called me Louisa, too! He’s hardly ever done that! Not him! He still sits at the table like a pastor, even if his undershirt doesn’t exactly look like a robe. “We even considered selling the house.”

“The house?” I echo, confused. “Our house? Mom and Dad’s…how could you even consider that?” Again, I feel like everything is falling apart and I can’t keep it together.

“So he can’t find you again and you’re far away from him. We could move to Tennessee or Montana. Iowa too, if you like. The farms for sale are cheap and Ethan and I have gained enough experience to run our own. If we sell the house, we would have solid seed capital.”

Stunned, I tap my forehead with two fingers. “Buy a farm?” I instinctively think of Bren’s dream of the little blonde girl and the dark-haired boy playing tag in the wheat field. “How can you even think of selling the house? Dad will roll over in his grave.”

“I’m sure Mom and Dad would have wanted it that way, especially when it’s the only way to protect you from yourself.” Ethan crosses his arms over his chest. “I already have a buyer.”

“What?” I jump up again, horrified.

“Old Mr. Johnson has shown interest for some time.”

“Our neighbor Mr. Johnson or the baker Mr. Johnson,” I ask stupidly as if it matters.

“Our neighbor Mr. Johnson. He wants it for his daughter.”

I don’t know what has happened during the last week since I ran away, but it seems like my brothers and I are living in two different worlds now. They don’t even have an intersection or a common divisor, or whatever you call it.

“We could raise cattle and birth calves,” Avery says conciliatorily, a smile spreading across his face. He’s probably envisioning it right now.

“Create a hemp plantation,” Liam adds, lighting another cig.

“Aren’t you a Christian now?” I ask irritably.

“Christians can smoke weed too, can’t they?”

“Oh, of course, Jesus has already forgiven all sins, I forgot! But then Bren is innocent too!”

“Lou!” Ethan scolds.

Raise cattle! Birth calves! I’m about to scream! “I have to go to the bathroom,” I say reluctantly.

My brothers look at each other like I said I have to go to Mars. “What? Doesn’t this place have any?”

Ethan sighs. “Down the hall on the left. But I’ll go with you…to the door.”

Yes, of course! Guard me! Just like Bren did last summer.

I put a hand to my forehead. A farm in Tennessee—they’ve gone completely mad!