Chapter 7
Chapter
Seven
It seems to be a very old motel that was perhaps once a youth hostel, as the bathrooms are in the corridor. The bathroom itself only has one stall and the smell of a cesspit rises from the toilet. A lone mosquito buzzes around. My heart sinks when I see the white-tiled walls. There isn't a single window in this dump. No wonder it smells so bad, the ventilation system is probably broken.
In the cramped room, I slip into a pair of Liam’s underpants, which he picked out for me from his hastily packed luggage. Luckily, they’re not boxer shorts, but briefs that fit reasonably well when I fold the waistband three times.
I examine my reddened cheek in front of the tiny mirror. The skin at the site feels tight and burns, but that’s not the worst. Something inside me burns much stronger. I wet some wadded-up toilet paper and cool my cheek.
When I come out, Ethan looks at me guiltily, but I maintain my expression—I won’t expose myself.
The more I think about it, the more incomprehensible his reaction seems. He only found out about the kidnapping a week ago—and he’s blaming me. Instead of hugging me, he picks on me. Instead of trying to understand me, he ignores me.
I understand his arguments too. Still, I am the only one who has had the opportunity to reflect on the events. After all, I am the person affected and have the necessary distance from it. Ethan just found out everything and now believes he has to act just as quickly. Nobody, however, will ever be able to keep me away from Bren. Especially not him!
It turns out to be a long night, telling my brothers last summer’s story, but it doesn’t change their attitude even though I tone down most things.
I realize how difficult it is for me to talk about it. It was easy with Jay back then, perhaps because he writes about extreme things, and for him, the human psyche is one big voyage of discovery. He lives in another world, one that only he understands. But that’s what made it so easy for me to confide in him because what I experienced happened far from reality and yet it was more real than anything I had known before. At least more real than Ash Springs.
As Ethan pleads with me, I think about the stars rising on the wrong side in the big city and Brendan’s dream. I see it as clearly and distinctly as my own: our simple house in the vast fields of wheat and corn, the stillness of the clear night, and the stars shining on the proper side.
My own dream pales next to it. It seems like a little girl’s reverie and I wonder if I’ve really grown up in the last year.
I watch Ethan as he scoops up the Chinese food he ordered for us, always throwing concerned glances my way. He’s an adult, no question, but does that make him right? I think he actually believes I’m crazy. Maybe he struck me because he thought it would knock the sense back into me, but no matter what excuses I make, the dark, tenacious feeling in my gut remains.
I absentmindedly eat my chicken and rice. Liam doesn’t say much anymore and Avy supports Ethan but without the moral finger-wagging.
We go to bed around four thirty in the morning. Ethan wants to go with me to the second rented room on the second floor, but I refuse.
“I’ll share the same room with anyone else, but not with you!” I say a tad harsher than I mean to.
He looks at me and his eyes grow cloudy. “Lou, I already apologized. I’m sorry. I was just so angry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’ll never…”
“Never happen again?” I scoff bitterly. “Bren said that a lot too, last summer.”
He flinches like I slapped him this time and it feels good. I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it.
Eventually, Liam goes upstairs with me, and since this room has a bathroom, Ethan locks us in from the outside.
“Hello? Am I a criminal?” I call through the door, but he doesn’t reply.
Doesn’t he trust Liam anymore? How long has Ethan been this way?
“Left or right?” Liam appears calm as if being locked in by one’s brother is nothing out of the ordinary.
“What?” I ask, still confused.
“Which side do you want to sleep on?” He points to the double bed.
“By the window.”
“Left, then!” Liam grins, flops onto the mattress, and kicks off his flip-flops.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” I ask indignantly.
Liam shrugs. “About Ethan locking us in? Well, at least this way, I can sleep peacefully instead of having to keep an eye on you all the time.”
With a calmness that makes my fingers itch, he removes his kufiya tactical desert scarf. Jay always jokes that he’ll take it to his grave one day and I’m afraid he might be right. It’s already so old and tattered that the fabric is almost transparent.
Without taking off his T-shirt and jeans, he lies down and stares at the ceiling.
“What about Jay?” I ask carefully now.
“Ethan told him he wasn’t his brother anymore, so he left.”
I am completely stunned. I think that’s even worse than a slap in the face. Total exclusion from the family. He can’t be serious.
“Ethan’s just scared, Lou.”
I snort indignantly. “Does that justify the slap?”
“Of course not.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything?”
“What should I have said? Stop it, Eth? It was probably too late for that.”
We look at each other, but Liam doesn’t say anything else. After a few minutes, I ask if I can use his cell phone, but he left it downstairs—probably on purpose so as not to get into a predicament. Sure, he doesn’t want to have to choose between me and Ethan. He used to take my and Jay’s side a lot, but maybe he simply did it to annoy Ethan.
Preoccupied, I go to the bathroom and freshen up because I’m sweating a lot under Avy’s shirt, but of course I’m not going to take it off. My thoughts go from Bren to Jay for a moment. It’s all my fault. I have to fix it somehow, I just don’t know how. Where could he be? Maybe with his buddy David or a friend?
Using the only toothbrush I can find, I brush my teeth in the windowless bathroom and comb my hair with my fingers. When I run away, I don’t want to look unkempt or people will assume I’m a drifter and call the police. I’ll have to check later how high up we are. Maybe I can jump out the window once Liam’s asleep. The motel has low ceilings, in fact, Avy almost had to duck earlier.
Liam, however, doesn’t fall asleep. Arms bent with his head resting in his hands, he continues to stare at the ceiling as if seeking answers up there.
“Where’s Jayden?” I ask, still standing in the doorway.
He sighs. “With Dave.”
“Well, at least he’s with a friend.” When I’m back with Bren, I’ll have to check if I have Dave’s number.
“Will you take care of him when…we get home?” I ask, almost stumbling over the we.
“Jay’s an adult, he’ll be fine.”
“He’s a mess.”
“The smartest one I know.” Liam smiles, gives me a look, and then turns serious. “Lou, why didn’t you tell me?” He emphasizes the me. I can sense that he’s hurt that I confided in Jay and not him. That’s okay because it’s honest. “I understand why you didn’t want to tell Ethan,” he continues, “but I always thought…the two of us…we’re just different. We understand each other.”
Yes, and yet you went to India back then and left me alone. I say out loud, “Oh—you understand me?” I don’t mean to sound cynical, but it happens anyway. I study his profile, the long straight nose, the bristly hair that you can still tell was knotted into felted dreadlocks for a long time.
“I know what it’s like to love.” He rolls onto his side, resting his chin on his hand. His eyes, the only ones among ours that are more green than blue, take on a shine I haven’t seen in years.
“You’re thinking of India? Of that girl over there. What was her name again?”
“Her name was Kali. By God, I would have done anything for her!”
Suddenly, he sounds so excited that I giggle. “You still believe I’m sick,” I say seriously again.
“It's possible, but it doesn’t have to be the case.” Thoughtfully, he rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling again.
“Why did you split up, you and Kali?”
“We didn’t. Kali’s father caught us and sent her to some relatives in another village. We weren’t allowed to be together and she accepted it. I came back and focused on faith to forget her.”
“I’m sorry that happened.”
“It’s been five years.”
“And—have you forgotten her?”
“No.” He smiles. “But that’s okay.”
“Maybe you simply need to fall in love again, Liam,” I say, trying to comfort him.
“I don’t think I can do that again.”
He sounds sad and I realize that he probably understands me best of all.
After moments of silence, he gets up and smokes a cigarette by the window, which is a good way for me to check out the altitude. Suddenly, I have a guilty conscience because I will get him in so much trouble with Ethan. On the other hand, there is no other option for me: I must get back to Bren.
Liam doesn’t suspect a thing as I keep him company and breathe in the night air deeply while glancing inconspicuously down at the parking lot.
Shit! Damn high! Certainly at least ten feet or higher! I have to jump down tonight if I want to find Bren again. I’m gonna need to borrow someone’s cell phone later to call him. There has to be someone at a gas station who’ll lend me theirs. I know his number by heart.
It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a bit of cash either. Does Liam have any money with him? Probably not since he left his cell phone in the other room. Maybe Ethan has a stash in here somewhere, after all, he stayed here and thought he could play bodyguard himself! Ha! Right!
Liam flicks the cigarette butt onto the pavement and studies me for a while. “Whatever happens or will happen, don’t judge Ethan too harshly.”
“What’s supposed to happen?” A sinking feeling spreads through my stomach. He’s keeping something from me, I’m sure.
He sighs deeply. “It’s entirely up to you.” He closes the window carefully and turns to face me. “Ethan was there when you were born. Mom wanted to have you at home because she didn’t want to leave us alone; she was a real family person. Ethan helped deliver you and took care of you the first few hours…because Mom, you know…”
I nod. She insisted on a home birth, but complications arose and she died on the way to the hospital. My brothers hardly ever talk about it and Dad never told me anything, either. I only know from some vague remarks that the midwife stayed with us and cared for me along with Ethan.
Liam looks at me steadily, a shadow crossing his finely carved features. “Ethan took on so much for Dad back then. He watched you grow up, bathed you, dried you, and read you stories. He taught you your first letters… Dad’s death hit him the hardest among all of us. He adored Dad. But on the day of his funeral, he wouldn’t let his grief show, on the contrary. He was strong for all of us. But that night… I heard him cry.”
“Liam…” I don’t want to know, not now when I’m so angry with Ethan.
“After that, he poured all his love into your upbringing. He’s attached to you.”
“I know!”
“I think as much as he hates Brendan for everything he’s done, he’s also jealous of him.”
I am completely perplexed. “Why?”
“Because you care more about Brendan than Eth. He can’t handle that.”
I widen my eyes in disbelief. “He said that?”
Liam laughs. “Of course not, grasshopper! But he doesn’t have to say anything, a blind man could tell.”
For the next hour, I wait for Liam to fall asleep and ponder his words. Why would Ethan be jealous of Brendan? Now that seems too far-fetched to me. I mean sure he’s attached to me and overprotective, but that doesn’t make you jealous, does it? On the other hand, I shouldn’t give a damn about what’s going on with Ethan. I still feel my cheek burning and the anger in my stomach.
Another half an hour passes and Liam’s breathing is quiet and steady. I carefully peel myself out of the bed covers, tiptoe to the dresser, and rummage through it for a few bucks. Sure enough, I find some bills and coins. But I have no pocket to put them in; then my eyes fall on Liam’s scarf.
Oh, dear, forgive me, Liam!
I wrap the money in it, awkwardly knot it, and wrap the cloth around my neck like a shawl. I have to do without shoes because Liam’s flip-flops are size 9.5—I would only stumble and fall.
I slowly open the window, but it still creaks. I glance anxiously at Liam. When he continues to breathe steadily, I climb onto the window sill and crouch down.
On Interstate 5, the first commuters are heading downtown. The air is humid and smells of rain. For a moment, I remember jumping out the window of Bren’s RV on my first escape attempt. Then, he had a flash and chained himself outside while the storm raged overhead.
So dark…so deep underground…
Let him be okay! Don’t let him have a flash!
It might set him back years. I know without a doubt that I have to go to him! Suddenly, I have a bad feeling.
I glance down at the asphalt fearfully. It’s so high! Bren’s RV was only about five feet; whereas this here is truly dangerous. Should I wait for another opportunity?
But then I remember Bren’s dream, which I can see as clearly as if it were mine. Once we get out of Seattle, my brothers won’t be able to follow us. But what if afterward, Ethan never talks to me again?
Nonsense, Lou, he would never last! Someday, he’ll even talk to Jay again! Stay focused!
I get dizzy and cling to the window frame. Of course, there are no fire escapes or rain gutters to shimmy down, life is not a movie after all. Liam mumbles something in his sleep. I turn to him and see him roll onto his side.
I have to get going. The sky is already showing first signs of dawn and gray and black wispy clouds hang like rags over the city. It’ll be a new day soon and Ethan will barely sleep—if he’s asleep at all. Maybe he’ll even go to the parking lot later for some fresh air.
I have to do it now!
I take another deep breath, let go of the window frame, and jump.