15. Chapter 14
Chapter 14
Seb
With my new job and my new mating, it’s strange how easily I fall into my new routines. Not that much really changes with Rollie and I making our mating a reality. The shifters who teased us for sharing a bed and a home and most of our social circles weren’t far off the mark.
Except that now I get to kiss him on the couch when we snuggle before bed, or slip my hand into his pants to tease him during the boring bits. And I get to bury my nose in the soft skin at his throat even as I bury my cock inside of him. We make lazy love in our colorful blankets most nights. That level of frequency might just be the novelty of getting to fuck each other whenever we want, but I’m enjoying it and Rollie seems content with the increased intimacy too.
Rollie smells so good lately. I can’t get enough of his sweetness. It’s like being on the correct hormones has his spicy cookie aroma in overdrive or something. He tastes as good as he smells, so his increased sex drive might have something to do with how often I’ve been asking to go down on him. I love alternating sucking his cute little omega dick with lapping up his juices like they’re the sweetest nectar.
Work is good too. Better than I’d have expected. Ty and I have been carpooling. Since we drive right past the market on the way, Rollie usually joins us when he has a morning shift. It might be less peaceful once my brother isn’t on his clutch leave with the new baby. Once he’s joining us for the drive, I’m sure his constant chatter will fill the silences Ty doesn’t seem to mind. It’s been nice to spend time with my sibling-in-law, even if we spend much of it listening to the radio and talking about our mates and my niblings.
It’s been almost three weeks of sharing the daily drive when things get weird. Our follow-up with Dr. Martinez is in a few more days, so I know Rollie is feeling antsy about that. I chalk up the weird little shift in his sweet scent to nerves. Not that it really smells like the acrid anxiety stink, but what else could it be? For some reason, Ty keeps surreptitiously trying to scent my mate. It’s weird. Rollie gets out at the market, then opens my door to kiss me goodbye and, mhm, yeah, he’s definitely…spicier? Maybe something like warm vanilla? Weird.
“Um, kinda feeling queasy about tomorrow, so I might order in for dinner, if that’s cool?” Rollie says.
“Yeah, that sounds great. If you call something in near the zoo, we can pick it up on the way home,” I offer, glancing at Ty to be sure she doesn’t object. It’s a femme day for her, the swishy floral skirt a clear sign of which pronouns to use.
Ty nods. “Bram has been asking for spicy food to try to evict the chick, so he’ll be pleased for an excuse for takeout.”
“Nice, I’ll give him a call later to coordinate our cravings,” Rollie jokes.
Ty, who was taking a sip of their coffee, snorts so hard I shoot them a worried glance even as a bit of their coffee sprays my arm. Ew.
Rollie and I both fix the bear with concerned glances. “You alright?” Rollie asks.
“Yes. Swallowed wrong. You give Bram a call, I’m sure he’d love to hear from you, Rollie. We should get going so we aren’t late though.”
“Yeah.” Rollie hesitates, glancing between us, then shrugs, leans in for one more lingering kiss, and saunters away. It’s just as well that Ty is driving because I can’t tear my eyes off my mate’s delectable round ass as he saunters into his workplace.
“Wow,” Ty says. She shakes her head as she pulls away from the curb and heads toward the highway. “So, um, you mentioned you are seeing Dr. Martinez. Any news you two want to share?”
“Hm? Just that we are getting the HRT we both need,” I say. And even if I don’t really buy that I deserve to get the things I need, Rollie does. Rollie deserves a healthy mate, so I’m taking my full dose the way I’m supposed to. But that doesn’t seem to be what Ty is asking with the probing edge to their questions.
“Seb, I know you birds like to play into the whole featherhead stereotype, but we both know you aren’t an idiot. If you have something exciting that you want to control sharing, it might be good to make any announcements before people scent the obvious on your mate. We’re all going to be so happy for you.”
“What are you talking about?” I demand, because obviously I wasn’t imagining her scenting my mate, and Rollie is fucking delicious, but he’s all mine to smell and mark!
“You really don’t know?” Ty shoots me a puzzled glance.
“Know what?” I demand, suddenly on edge because I have no idea what she is implying about Rollie and I don’t like feeling out of the loop when it comes to my mate.
“Well, shit.” Ty clenches their hands on the steering wheel, then pulls over again, a block away from the market.
“What are you doing? We’re going to be late.”
“Yeah, not the biggest issue here.” Ty shrugs. “We are going to discuss this first, and then we can get to work. So, the doc didn’t, uh, I don’t know, give you something to trigger that heat of his?”
“How?” I snap at her, exasperated with her heavy-handed insistence that she knows best when she’s asking such ridiculously clueless questions. “I didn’t even take the job until he was already in the prodrome, you were with me all day before the heat, and we only saw the doctor after it was over. What does that have to do with—Oh.” My stomach feels like it might drop right through my toes. Ty thinks Rollie is pregnant. Rollie can’t be pregnant. I’m the only one he’s been with and—well, it’s impossible on so many levels. “Shit. Ty, he can’t be pregnant.”
“Well, your mate smells pregnant Seb. I’ve had enough cubs to recognize the signs, so you might have longer before most people would notice, but it’s not something you can hide forever or ignore.”
“No. It’s not possible.” I might be sick even thinking about what else could mimic that change in his scent though.
The litany of scary diagnoses we are supposed to be ruling out with the imaging Dr. Martinez ordered. Next week is supposed to tell us everything is fine and Rollie is healthy and the heat was a silly mistake because I gave him too high a dose of avian omega hormones. If he’s really sick—there’s a part of me that already knows what I’ll do if I lose Rollie. Not that I can tell anyone that particular truth. Especially not my mate.
If we learn the worst, he’ll have enough worries of his own to shoulder. I wish Ty could be right and Rollie smells so good because he’s pregnant. That something so miraculously wonderful could be real for us, but Rollie and I don’t get to have the perfect life my brother and his mate created with such seeming ease. “He can’t be pregnant.”
“Normally, I’d remind you that you are not, in fact, one of those cubs who I owe sex ed talks to, but I can see you’re freaking out, so let’s skip that part. When do you see Dr. Martinez again?” Ty asks, voice so gentle that their kindness might break me.
“Next week. But Rollie can’t get pregnant, Ty. You don’t understand.”
“Not to contradict you, but I have an inkling. Let’s try not to jump to conclusions though. Rollie did have a natural heat, right?”
“Yes.”
“And you were, uh, unmedicated at the time, right?” They ask as delicately as possible.
“Yes. I fucked up my HRT and basically let the creep turn me into an alpha.” I huff, because that shouldn’t matter.
“Yes, that. I’m not here to make you feel worse about it, but when I was driving you home you were responding to his phone call like, um—like any mate would react to their omega’s heat. So given that, maybe don’t panic yet and see if the doc can squeeze you both in for a checkup today? Just to be sure?”
“Do you think he would do that?”
“He’s come in after hours for Bram and I when Bram had some contractions that wouldn’t stop after he shifted early in this pregnancy, so yes, I suspect he will make time for something like this. Call him to ask. And then you can go ask Rollie if he can skip his work shift today to come to the clinic with us. Alright?”
“Yeah. Okay.” I pat my phone and then come to my senses. No choices about Rollie’s health without him. “Actually, I think I’ll talk to him first and then we can call the clinic together.”
Ty nods and settles in to wait for me. “Either way, I’ll be here to drive when you have a plan. Go talk to your mate.”
I’m not sure how I’m going to convince Rollie to clock out for a trip to the zoo when he just took so much time off for his heat.
Rollie’s entire face lights up when he sees me enter the store with a sheepish wave. “Hey, um, can we talk about something real quick?” I ask, feeling self-conscious in a wolf-run store. Marin hated Harvey, so Rollie’s boss can’t be all bad for a wolf alpha, but still. It’s hard to trust anyone who smells like my ex, even a little. I’m trying with Harvey, for Rollie’s sake.
“Hey, what are you doing here? Don’t you and Ty need to get to work?” Rollie is already walking around his register to greet me with a kiss though, so I don’t think he’s upset that I’m here, just confused.
“Yeah. We do.” I nod, but it feels like my throat might just close up when I try to say more. Rollie looks as amazing as he’s been smelling lately, so vibrant and alive and I can’t reconcile that with the terrifying worries Ty’s questions unlocked in my head. I don’t want to scare Rollie or give him false hope about the impossible explanation Ty offered to me.
No knowing what to say anyway, I don’t speak. I meet Rollie halfway across the store. He crashes into my arms in front of an end-cap displaying gum. I bend to kiss him like we’re the only ones in the world. His arms loop around my neck and I gather him into my arms, wishing I could shield him from every bad thing under my wings.
I can’t, but when he pulls back to search my face, I inhale his reassuring scent and I know I have to tell him why I’m here. Even if I wasn’t planning to bring him to work with me for extra testing. This is exactly the sort of thing I promised not to keep from him when we discussed our mating. I cup his face in my hands, trying to memorize the happy glow of his bemused smile.
“What is it?” Rollie asks. “Not that I don’t enjoy getting an extra goodbye kiss.”
“You smell different.”
“Yeah, hormones are wild like that, my scent changed when you were sharing your meds with me too, remember?” Rollie doesn’t make it an accusation, but I still feel the sting of how much that choice hurt him.
How much is my arrogant attempt at playing doctor still messing with his body if that’s why he smells like he’s carrying a clutch. My clutch. Fuck. I might be sick at the irony of my broken body working in the exact wrong way, except if Rollie could actually get pregnant finding out we’re having a baby would be among the best days of my life instead of vying for the worst news ever if it means his weird heat was the first sign of something terribly wrong with him.
I shake my head. Worry about the worst once it happens, for now we just need answers.
“This is more than that. This is…” I swallow thickly, I need to force the words out, but it’s hard with Rollie’s brow furrowing at me. “Ty says you smell pregnant.”
Rollie’s face falls. He shakes his head and steps back out of my arms. “That’s not funny, Seb.”
“I’m not laughing.”
“Seb—I can’t…I would give you a clutch if I could, but it’s not possible.” Rollie steps back again, his arms wrapped around his middle protectively.
“Exactly how not possible is it though?” I ask, not because I really have much hope in the sort of happy ending neither of us believes can be ours, but I’d grasp at any straw if it means Rollie isn’t sick.
My mate huffs in irritation. “I’ve told you I can’t; you know I wouldn’t lie about that.”
“I know. I’m sorry, I’m just grasping at straws, Rollie. If there is any chance would you humor me and come to the zoo clinic to see Dr. Martinez for our follow-up a little early? We can call together and see if the doc is willing to squeeze us in? I’m kind of freaking out here because you really do smell like Ty might be right and…”
“And that’s scary. I know.” Rollie fills in when I can’t finish my sentense. He reaches toward me, and I take his hands, drawing him back into my arms where I can inhale his sweetness again. It’s soothing, even if it’s impossible to ignore the heady new layers to it that I can’t dismiss now that Ty confronted us with the potential implications. I nuzzle into his pulse point, wishing we could retreat into fur and feathers and I could just preen him, or fight away any bad things with beak and talons.
“Don’t get your hopes up, Seb.” Rollie nudges my face away from his throat. “The endo who saw me as a teen said my ovaries were basically menopausal before I went on T. Oh, shit. I forgot I need to reschedule my next shot with my endo. I missed the last appointment because of the heat. Maybe that’s why I smell weird?” Rollie offers the alternative explanation hopefully. I want to latch onto any alternative possibility, so I nod along.
“Yeah. That could be it,” I agree. “But I’d breathe easier if we see the doc as soon as possible.”
Rollie bites his lip and glances around the store. “I guess, but I’ve already taken time off for the scans next week and the heat and Harvey has been wonderful about it, but I—“
“Sorry, not to eavesdrop, but I’ve been debating whether to slip one of these into your locker for the past few days, son.” We both startle when his boss breaks into our conversation and hands Rollie a pregnancy test off the shelf. “And for the record, Harvey would happily drive you to the appointment himself.” Harvey winks, and much as I’m normally wary of the pack after Marin, I might have to grudgingly admit I like my mate’s boss. “Start with taking that, so you have a better idea of what you’re working with and whatever it says, let your mate take you to get checked out.”
Rollie bites his lip, gaze darting from me to his boss to the test and the back employee only area. He shakes his head, but it’s an uncertain gesture, not a no. “I don’t know what to do.”
Harvey pats Rollie’s shoulder. “One step at a time. Do you want your mate with you?”
Rollie nods. “Seb?”
“Yeah, I know all about pee tests,” I try to make it a joke, but it’s not. I took so many of those damn tests when creep turned my scent into queasy tilt-a-whirl that had Marin swinging from doting mate to taking swings at me at the drop of a hat. I might throw up if I ever have to take another of those things. But Rollie needs me to be strong, so I put my around his shoulders and steer him toward the bathroom near the registers.
“Use the employee restroom, and whatever that says, take the rest of the day off, Rollie. I’ll clock you out.” Harvey says
Rollie looks ready to protest, but then he swallows it down and nods. “Thanks.”
“Of course, keep me posted when you have anything to share,” Harvey says.
“I will,” Rollie agrees, clutching the test to his chest as we walk down the cereal aisle. Rollie pushes open the door to the back and leads the way to the restroom there. His hands are shaking as he fumbles with the box so I end up having to unwrap it for him, the packaging hasn’t changed from when I was using them years ago. I skim the instructions, but those are the same too.
Cap off, pee on the thing and…apparently hyperventilate because my entire future hangs in the balance between the lines that may or may not appear.
“Hey, breathe. This is going to be okay.” Rollie plucks the plastic dipstick from my hand. “Seb, breathe with me, you’re safe. This stupid thing doesn’t get to tell us whether we’re worthy to be omegas or mates or anything else.”
“Yeah. Okay.” I still can’t control the panic, but objectively he’s right.
“Breathe with me?” Rollie takes a few exaggeratedly slow breaths, until the black spots dancing at the edges of my vision recede and I can actually handle this. Shame flushes through me, replacing the panic. I’m supposed to be here to support Rollie, not the other way around.
“Sorry, I’m good. I didn’t realize that would be a trigger.”
“Want to talk about it?” Rollie offers, and I’m tempted to take any excuse to put off bad news, but there isn’t much to say that he doesn’t already know.
I shrug. “Marin wanted pups, so when I couldn’t give them to him it was bad. But that’s not what this is about. I’m scared that I really fucked up with giving you avian HRT and that it might have done something to you that we can’t fix.”
Rollie nods and swallows hard. “If it’s positive, are you going to lose it again?”
I shake my head, and then nod. “Maybe?”
“Because you don’t want a kit with me? Or not one that you sired?” Rollie sounds so scared, I reach for his hand, he lets me take it.
“No.” I don’t even have to think to give him the honest answer to that. “Never because of that.”
“No?”
I sigh. “I mean, in a world where you were super fertile and we could plan a heat where I had the option to take alpha HRT on purpose to give us kids, I’m not sure I could handle it, but if it happened already then I’d be thrilled.”
“Yeah?” The naked hope in Rollie’s voice on that single word echoes my own.
“Yeah.” I nod, more sure of it for having said it. “I’m not scared that you might be pregnant, Rollie, I’m terrified that you might be sick.”
“Okay. I still don’t think it will be positive, but I guess there is a tiny chance? Before my primary gender transition I did have a few cycles. I guess, in theory, the requisite organs exist? Even if they’re not quite right.”
“Is that your way of telling me not to spiral if it’s positive?” My attempt at humor falls flat.
“Yes. No spiraling. Even if it isn’t good news. I need you to be okay, Seb. You sure about this, or should we wait until we get to the clinic?”
“That’s up to you.” I sigh, because if it was up to me, I’d put off any confirmation of my fears until we get to the clinic, but this is Rollie’s health and it’s his choice.
“I want to know. Call and see if we can get in today?” Rollie urges me. He clings to my hand as I make the call, putting it on speaker so Rollie can hear.
Terry answers the phone at the zoo clinic and tells me that getting Dr. Martinez to squeeze in a quick checkup shouldn’t be a problem, given the circumstances. I thank him and hang up.
Rollie takes a deep breath and forces a smile. He holds up the test. “So that leaves this, do I just pee on it?”
“Yeah.” I nod stiffly. “Pee, then wait for the results.”
I turn away to give him some privacy, and to hide how much the entire thing is getting to me. This isn’t the same as those other tests. And I don’t even know what result to hope for this time. Negative might mean it really is just all the hormonal fluctuations from adjusting his medications making his scent change. A positive might mean a miracle or a nightmare and I can’t decide which way the odds are leaning on that. It’s far from the first time my mate has peed in front of me. We’ve been sharing a bathroom for years, but it’s still a little awkward to just stand there in his work bathroom while he does his thing.
Rollie caps the test, shoves it into the box without looking at it. He washes his hand, then reaches for my hand.
“Aren’t you going to wait for the results?” I wave at the box instead of taking his hand, Rollie just keeps reaching for me until I place my palm in his.
“I’ll check it in the car. You don’t want to know yet, right?” Rollie gives me a quick squeeze, then he tugs me toward the door.
“It’s your call,” I insist, even as relief washes over me at not having to face my fears quite so soon or so viscerally.
Rollie shakes his head. “Finding out for myself is my call, but I can respect that either answer is only going to make you worry more until we see the doc, so this way we both get what we need.”
“I need you.” I pull him into my arms and hug him tight.
“Need you too, Seb. Come on, we shouldn’t keep Ty waiting and the sooner we get there, the sooner we’ll know what we’re facing.”
“Whatever it is, we’ll face it together,” I say, and then I follow him out to Ty’s sedan, hoping for the impossible, afterall, it wasn’t so long ago that I was certain he could never be my mate. Sometimes impossible dreams do come true. I ignore the treacherous voice telling me that my dreams always inevitably turn into nightmares.