16. Chapter 15
Chapter 15
Rollie
The drive to the zoo seems interminable. Ty makes a few awkward attempts at reassuring small talk before Seb cranks up the music. I stare at the box that holds a potential answer. A part of me is hopeful that if the avian hormones gave me a heat, then maybe they also did the thing that human hormones couldn’t and I might actually be able to give us the family we both want.
If I peek inside the box and the test is negative, then that tiny kernel of hope will be gone. Which isn’t honestly any worse than where we both thought we stood on the possibility of children when we promised to build our lives together. But if it’s positive…
I want to watch Seb fall in love with our kit. I want it with an intensity that reaches right into my chest and squeezes tight. If I can give us that future, then it would be the most amazing gift. But if it’s positive because I’m sick, I know my mate too well to believe he’ll find a way to that future without me to remind him he deserves it.
I glance at the dashboard clock and then at the huge text on the front of the box bragging that it gives accurate results in two minutes. So, time to find out. I slip the test stick out of the box and stare at the two pink lines that stand in stark relief against the white field. Pregnant. Right? The key printed on the stick confirms it.
I bite my knuckle to keep in the gleeful little squeal I want to voice. I want to celebrate. I want to believe the best for as long as I can. I know it’s foolish and the odds are against us and even assuming that the test is accurate, a million things could go wrong and bring my miracle to a crashing halt.
I don’t care. For this moment, I am going to let my heart soar on raven’s wings with the hope that I can have it all. The mate I love and a child to raise together. All the things everyone growing up told me I would never be able to have might just be mine. Even if I can only believe it for as long as it takes to drive to yet another doctor who is waiting to unravel my dreams.
Seb is staring out the window. I want to tell him. I want to celebrate. I want to joke about testing whether it’s too late to sneak another kit in there, or at least make a valiant effort at it. But he’ll only worry more if he knows so I calmly snap a picture of the test and slip it back into the box. Then I tuck the box into my work bag and shove it under my seat.
It’s much harder to shove the news out of my mind though. I keep bouncing between imagining what my little raven might look like and the risks of a mixed species pregnancy. Bram always has the risk of carrying a mixed clutch of eggs and babies without the requisite genes to take an avian form, but I think that’s because he’s an avian shifter. I’m tempted to text him to ask, but if I tell Bram then the entire flock will know by supper time. And I can’t tell Bram before I tell his brother.
Alan. My little brother has mixed species babies too. We aren’t close, but maybe this is the sort of thing he’d actually have an interest in bonding over? I hesitate, this will get back to my folks. I know that. It might be worth it to have a closer relationship with my brother though. If anything can finally bridge the gap between us, it would be having a bonding over having similarly medically complex pregnancies.
I text my photo to my little brother before I can chicken out of asking him for this one last chance at a connection.
Rollie: Hey, so my mate and I have been seeing a shifter specialist about having kits.
I get a response shockingly fast. Alan usually doesn’t reply to me right away, which is fair, he’s busy with his kits. The speed of this reply has me questioning just how much of that delay in his replies is on purpose though. Because he’s not usually interested in what I have to say.
Alan: OMG! Is that your test? How?! I didn't know you finally nabbed a mate! Who's the alpha father? I thought our folks said your ovaries are junk? Is the test really yours? What’s going on, did they secretly bank your eggs and not say anything until you got mated or something?
Alan: It is a father, right? You were always more into guys. But an alpha sister-in-law would be cool too. I'm sure the kits will enjoy a new auntie or uncle equally. Unless you’re with a static?
Rollie: Um, it's Seb. We're mated now. Officially.
At first I don’t even notice the slew of little digs. That’s just how Alan always talks to me. Then the palpable enthusiasm of his responses hitting my phone in a rush dims. The next message seems to take ages to arrive and I skim back over all his barbs.
I try to convince myself it's not personal. My newest nephew is a colicky baby, he probably woke up fussy. Nothing to do with me and Seb at all. Except it’s right that on my screen that Alan doesn’t see me as his equal. His next words confirm just how little we still have in common. He’s the same petty boy who broke our toys rather than share them, just to see me cry.
Alan: Um. Right. Your omega roommate?
Rollie: Yes. I love him.
I don’t owe him even that much of an explanation. Heck, maybe I don’t owe him anything anymore.
Alan: So, is he carrying then? Did you meet the alpha who knocked him up? You really think you’re going to be in the picture as a parent with them?
I’m tempted to correct him, but after a moment to swallow down my outrage I realize there isn’t a point. He might not even believe me at this point, since my folks made it clear to the entire gaze I’d never be a parent. Fuck. He’s going to tell the entire family and I don’t want them knowing Seb’s personal information. They don’t get to know something so vulnerable and intimate between my mate and me.
Rollie: I was there for the conception. It’s not really relevant how it happened, is it? I thought maybe you’d have some tips about carrying a mixed species kit for us, but I’m sorry to bother you.
It’s sinking in that Alan isn’t going to give me what I need. Not at all. He isn’t ever going to understand anything about me or Seb or our mating. And he doesn’t want to. Maybe it’s time to accept that Alan will never be interested in the kind of brotherly bond Seb has with his siblings. Heck, the bond I have with his family and even Ty is closer than my bond with Alan or my sister. Contacting him was definitely a mistake.
Alan: Sure, Thomas. Whatever you say.
Rollie: Could you just do me a favor and not tell our parents about this?
Alan: Do you really think they’re going to care that your roommate is having a baby, Thomas? Maybe when he and his mate ask you to move along that will be what it finally takes for you to realize you’d be better off among the statics where you belong.
Right. Angry replies twitch at the tips of my fingers, but in the end, Alan is only making it easier for me to let go of those last shreds of hope for a connection that’s only ever been one-sided.
Rollie: Sure, have a nice life Alan.
I hit send and then I block him from my contacts, my parents have been blocked for ages already. I consider doing the same for my sister, but she’s the best of the lot and I like her mate. She can tell me if there’s anything I need to know. Like if she and her mate change their minds about remaining childless. Or maybe if one of Alan’s kids need a kidney, short of that, I’m not really interested in further contact.
Scrubbing Alan from my social media takes most of the rest of the drive, so if nothing else, it’s a good distraction. His betrayal makes it easier not to worry about the test or give away just how excited I am for the possibilities it represents.
Ty is late for work, but she still drops us off right at the doors to the clinic before going to park and clock in for the day. She wishes us luck and I wink and give her a thumbs up as I guide Seb inside the clinic. He’s moving woodenly. Dreading what we might hear.
“Rollie and Sebastian Korbin, right?” Terry greets us as we walk in.
“Yeah,” I don’t correct his assumption that we share a last name. Seb made the appointment, so Terry is probably looking at his file, not mine. Names are something we need to discuss, but I definitely want to take his name before our kit arrives. Assuming I really am carrying our baby. I rub at my belly for courage.
Seb gives me a startled look, but he just smiles and squeezes my hand instead of correcting me. Judging from the sappy warmth of his smile, I suspect he’ll be cool with sharing his surname with me.
“Perfect, Dr. Martinez is in with another patient at the moment but one of his nurses is going to take your vitals and get you set up with some preliminary testing first and he’ll stop in to see you when he has a second, sound good?”
“Yeah.” I nod, of course an important specialist can’t just drop everything to see us right this instant. But the testing is good. It will mean real answers sooner.
“Great, Tammy will be waiting for you in room 6.” Terry gestures down the hallway.
I head to where he indicates. Seb crowds after me, walking too close, like he is afraid to be parted from me. I’m used to being tested and poked and prodded and not knowing what’s going on. I hate it, but I’m used to it. So I go to the room and confirm my identity and Tammy does her thing.
I only squirm a little when she has to try twice to get an IV in for the bloodwork. She tapes it in place, implying they might want more access fast. Great. I try to calm my anxiety about that. One of the scans scheduled for next week requires contrast dye, so maybe it’s for that. Seb looks like he might pass out at the sight of my blood.
“Do you need to do a pregnancy test too?” Seb frets, his grip on my hand just this side of too tight once the neatly labeled tubes of blood are delivered.
“No need, we’re going to check that with the blood we already took, but for now, your file indicates you had a spontaneous heat under three weeks ago?”
“Yes,” I confirm.
She checks her notes and then has me change into a hospital gown thing while she goes to find an ultrasound machine on wheels. Seb spends the time pacing the room. I sit on the edge of the exam table. I’ve had internal scans before. To assess just how messed up my insides are and whether the hormones the static endocrinologists were giving me were actually working. The results always left me feeling more broken, but this time—this time they’re going to be able to tell us whether the picture on my phone is the best news possible or the worst.
“Seb?” I reach for him and he whirls to face me, when he sees the fear on my face he comes right up to me and hugs me.
“What is it?”
“Do you want to know what the test said? Before she uh, shows us whatever is or isn’t going on?”
Seb hesitates searching my face. “You want to tell me?”
I nod.
“Okay. I want to hear it from you.”
“It said I’m pregnant.” I rest a hand low on my belly, hoping that’s all this is. Seb’s hand covers mine and he nuzzles his face against mine.
“Then until she shows us otherwise, that’s what I want to believe this is.”
I kiss him then, wishing it could be as simple as celebrating our good fortune. That I really get to be the luckiest shifter alive.
Seb startles back away from me when Tammy taps peremptorily at the door upon her return. He doesn’t go far though, staying by my side as she gets her machine ready.
Seb holds my hand and my gaze, and I cling to him and our hopes with all my courage as I follow instructions Tammy gives me with an impassive tone.
The longer she takes, the more I’m braced for the worst. If she can’t find anything, then that test means something else is pumping out pregnancy hormones and that isn’t going to be good news any way I slice it.
“Sorry,” Tammy says and my heart plunges to my toes. Seb crushes my hand. “It took me a minute to find the heartbeat because you’re so early, but would you want to hear your baby?”
“Hear a heartbeat? There’s a baby?” Seb lights up so much he’s incandescent. That more than anything drives it home. This is real. Our baby is real.
“Yep, like I said, you’re early still, but measuring exactly where we’d expect given the dates of your last heat. Am I correct in guessing that congratulations are in order?”
“Yes.” I nod.
“Then congratulations. Here, sometimes it’s easier to believe with more proof, right?” Tammy turns the screen toward us and hits a button that plays a flickering gray and white static I can’t decipher, but Seb’s free hand goes to his mouth and he swallows a surprised little sound.
“That’s our baby?”
“Yep, you see? Here’s a live view,” Tammy switches the view on the screen to a view of a wiggly greyscale gummy bear in a dark circle of clear space. I’ve seen early images like that before and it starts to sink in that this is real. Joy bubbles up inside me that this is truly good news.
“We’re having a baby.” Seb sounds so dazed I’m half afraid he might pass out.
“Seems that way,” I agree. “Do you need to sit down?”
“Rollie, we’re going to be parents,” Seb bounces as he turns to kiss me, his gleeful smile is so beautiful and I can finally start to feel safe hoping that our baby will have that same sweet smile.
“Technically, Dr. Martinez will need to confirm with you, but there’s a healthy gestational sac with a good sized yolk and a baby measuring as expected for the dates. He’ll have better information on what to expect given the baby’s mixed shifter heritage, and I’m not supposed to share too much, but I do a lot of these scans and from what I can see here, your baby is snuggled in right where they belong in your uterus. I’ve got what I need, do you want me to print the pictures?” Tammy slides the probe out of my body. That’s a relief since it was getting uncomfortable.
“Yes to the pictures, please,” I say.
“So, this means Rollie doesn’t have some weird tumor making him smell pregnant?” Seb asks, back to wary in a heartbeat. I don’t blame him. It’s so hard to trust good news coming from anyone in a place like this.
“I can’t make any official diagnosis for you, and we are running a full blood panel to be certain. But let me check in with Dr. Martinez to come see if he wants any other images before I let you get cleaned up and back into your clothes, sound good?”
“Yeah.” I nod, I’m all for anything that hurries this part along and gets us home where we can celebrate properly faster. Tammy steps out of the room, giving us a moment of privacy with our news.
“So, we’re really going to have a clutch.”
“Yeah. Looks like it. How do you feel about it?”
“Honestly?”
“Always.”
“Terrified, but so excited. I’m not sure it’s going to really sink in until the hatchling is here. There’s so much to do to prepare. We’re going to need a nursery. I guess we’ll have to finally clean out the attic bedroom for the baby once you’re far enough along to start nesting.” Seb looks startled. “And I guess maybe we won’t need an actual nest for the egg, huh? It will be a birthday and not a hatchday?”
“I think so? Maybe if you were carrying the kit it could be born as an egg?”
“Oh, yeah, Bram mentioned something about that. Doesn’t matter. I want to see them in their fur with their cute little bitty eye mask.”
“I want to watch you preening their downy baby feathers.”
Tears glint in his eyes as Seb leans in to kiss me. “I want everything with you, Rollie. I was so scared when Ty said you might be…I was so scared I was going to find out I’d have to figure out how to say goodbye to you and I don’t think I can.”
“You don’t have to. No goodbyes, just hello to this new little one.”
“Yeah.” Seb kisses my forehead. “I’ll love you forever.”
“Right back at you.” I lean up for a kiss, and Seb gives it to me, lips meeting sweetly. If we were anywhere else other than a doctor’s office, I’d be tempted to deepen the kiss, pull him down next to me. But no way I am taking this any further here. Not even the best news ever can counter just how uncomfortable medical offices have always been. “Um, so, I guess now when we tell everyone we’re mated we might actually have news that won’t be completely obvious to share too?”
Seb laughs. “Yeah, maybe, except Ty already noticed the change in your scent, so we might not be very good at surprises, mate of mine.”
I join in his laughter, the two of us giving in to hysterics beyond what his quip merits more to let out all the tension and worry that lead up to this moment than because anything is actually funny. “Well, we’ll just have to tell them all after Cory’s fledging ceremony this weekend. Cause I have a feeling even if it’s not obvious from my scent, it will be once I refuse to have a drink.”
“I won’t be drinking either. Maybe not at all anymore. I think maybe I shouldn’t risk making bad choices when I’ve got a mate and kit depending on me to be okay.”
“You think that’s what you need?”
“Yeah. Maybe?”
“Then we can both stop. I don’t need it either and we can just bring whatever’s in the house to the party to get rid of it.”
“The cousins will love that,” Seb teases.
“Yeah. That’s a nice added bonus. Your health is the part I care about. I want to support you, however I can.”
“You do. All the time, in all the ways.”
Before we can get any sappier or start kissing again, Tammy comes back and tells us the doc wants us to stick around until they have the lab results that they can run in house back so he can assess the need for supplemental hormones or anything else I might need.
All my history with doctors tells me that ‘waiting on test results’ means cooling our heels in the uncomfortable waiting room all day. So I’m honestly surprised when Seb asks if we can go for a walk and Terry tells us that as long as we don’t wander too far, we can grab a snack at the themed butterfly cafe just inside the public areas of the zoo closest to the clinic while we wait. He’ll call when Dr. Martinez is ready for us.
I’m not even a little hungry, but Seb insists that I should at least have a drink and the cafe has floral iced teas in a rainbow of bright colors. We each get one and sip them at an outdoor table, just watching the crowds go past. I’m startled to still have more than half of my tea left when Terry calls us back to the clinic.
We’re waved right into Dr. Martinez’s office when we arrive and he greets us with a warm smile.
“First of all, Tammy tells me our little surprise is good news?”
“The best.” Seb wraps his arm protectively around my waist and I beam at him.
Dr. Martinez nods and smiles. “Congratulations. I also understand there is still some question of how this happened?”
“Yes,” Seb and I say in tandem, our eyes meet and I can’t help smiling.
“Well, the more established answer first, you both stated that Seb was the only possible second parent?”
“Yes,” I say, flushing because it’s on the tip of my tongue to tell the doctor that Seb’s the only one who has ever come in that hole. The only one who ever will.
“In that case, I am confident in saying that low levels of exogenous hormone caused a paradoxical boost in his endogenous sex hormone production resulting in an accelerated alpha reversion secondary to creep.”
“What?” Seb asks, head cocked in avian interest.
“It’s rare, but one of the ways we’ve seen families like yours grow is that sometimes too low or too high a dose of hormones for creep in avian shifters can cause significant alpha traits up to and including sperm production in the non-dominant ovotestes and knot formation.”
“Good to know.” Seb sounds dazed, but he’s still holding me so I don’t think he’s upset at the news that he for sure knocked me up and there is a reasonable medical explanation for it.
“As to how Rollie was able to ovulate, based on the hormone levels we took immediately following Rollie’s heat, his omegestrol levels were unusually elevated along with luteinizing hormone, progesterone, and a lower than expected free testosterone, given that you take supplemental doses of that,” The doctor references his file notes as he recites the data.
“Um, what does that mean?” Seb asks. We both stare at the doctor and he looks slightly sheepish as he scrolls through the open health record on his computer.
“Sorry, I’m fascinated by these results and the implications for our research, but that’s no excuse. And I’m sure not what anyone wants to hear from me in this office.” He gives a rueful chuckle. “I assure you that I am well versed in mixed species pregnancies and no matter how your kit was conceived, I do have the expertise to help you through this pregnancy. As to how it happened? In plain language, the tests we ran at your first visit seem to show that you had a natural, fertile heat secondary to hormonal ovarian stimulation induction and triggered by a hormone surge.”
“Huh?” I hug my belly protectively, not sure what a lot of those words mean when they’re all strung together like that.
“It appears that by taking a high dose of avian omegestrol you stimulated your ovaries in much the same way that we would use medication to help any infertile omega to get pregnant. Then your coworker’s heat pheromones triggered a heat response and your body responded as we would expect in any healthy young omega, which in turn amplified your mate’s fertility.” For all his frenetic excitement over the news, the doctor avoids calling Seb’s response to my heat a rut, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful.
“So, there isn’t something terrible going on with him? Seb demands.
“Nothing that appeared on our scans,” the doctor confirms. “As to what happens next, since we changed your medication to the mammalian formulation after your last visit, I put a rush on today’s progesterone levels and you do appear to be producing enough to sustain the pregnancy, but if you are worried then we can still supplement with a topical cream that you’ll need to apply daily for the first few months of gestation, how does that sound?”
“I want the cream.” I say, it requires no thought at all. If this is my only chance to have a baby with my mate, I’ll follow the doctor’s advice like it’s the word of god to do everything in my power to deliver our baby safely.
“Great. Topical progestins should have minimal side effects on your body other than helping to maintain the pregnancy. I’ll write you a prescription and see if I have a sample tube for you to use until you can get it filled at your pharmacy. Speaking of which, when was your last dose of testosterone?”
“Just before my heat started. I’m due for another shot, actually,” I say, groaning internally at needing to deal with the logistics of that.
“No, you can’t take—” Dr. Martinez cuts himself off when he sees the way I flinch from the command in his tone as he threatens my access to a necessary piece of who I am—“Sorry, let me rephrase. If you plan to carry the pregnancy to term, it would be best to stop taking your injections and wait until after you deliver to resume. Does that sound reasonable?”
I hesitate, considering. I knew that T while pregnant was a big no-no, but it still hurts to hear I have to cut off a part of myself, however temporarily. The kit I’m growing is worth any sacrifice, it’s just a sore spot for any doctor to take away pieces of my identity like that. Seb hugs me and whispers that he’s there for me and if I can’t do it, he’ll still love me just the same. And the fact it’s presented as a choice slowly sinks in. I have a choice and it’s an easy one. I can stop my meds for a few months until my kit is born.
The rest of the visit is quick, mostly notes on the top dos and don’ts of a mixed species pregnancy. I leave the appointment with my head spinning. I’ve got our baby’s first pictures, a topical hormone supplement and a plan for regular follow-ups with Dr. Martinez. The mixed genetics of my kit make the pregnancy risky in the sense that there isn’t a clearcut template for what exactly to expect.
Seb and I have so much to discuss and plan and only a few months to prepare for our kit to arrive. But as we leave the clinic I’m buoyant with hope for our future. Seb can’t contain his happiness either. Smiling over at me every time I pat his thigh or rub his neck.
Even though my prenatal care means I have to keep coming back to the clinic for frequent follow-up care until our kit arrives, I’m overwhelmed with joy. It helps that, for once, I’ve got a doctor I am coming to trust despite my fears and all the times medical care ignored my needs. It’s only been two appointments, but Dr. Martinez seems different.
So far, he listens and gives me options. If that continues, then I’ll have the support I need to get through the next few months of constant medical appointments unscathed. So while I don’t love the idea of so many clinic visits, it’s worth it so that Seb and I can soon welcome our child home.
Seb has already texted to arrange borrowing Ty’s keys to take me back me to rest and let the news sink in and then return to finish out his shift at the zoo. That way he can get some hours in to give us a financial cushion for our kit’s arrival and Seb going back to work will mean Ty still has a ride home. Much as I’m excited to celebrate with my mate, having the afternoon to myself will mean I can process everything this pregnancy will entail before we celebrate the news together after his shift. Mostly I’m excited to tell our family.
Ty has already agreed not to mention anything about the kit I’m growing until after Cory’s upcoming fledging ceremony. We’re planning to attend, but I might need to slip in late so I don’t steal the spotlight with my news until he’s been celebrated, given my scent is already changing.
The entire drive back to Four Corners, I can’t stop touching Seb, just needing to connect with my mate. It seems like I don’t need to temper my giddy glee anymore, we’re going to have it all. It’s so wild to think that a month ago I was certain I’d never have any of this. I keep smiling at the little black and white printout that is going in our most glittery, gaudy picture frame as soon as we get home from work tonight, a promise of our happiness continuing for a lifetime.