29 FIND YOURSELF
29
FIND YOURSELF
We are escapees from a psychiatric ward.
I thought Batman and Robin might’ve been fun – at least, the fucked-up version of them. But then I realised there were homoerotic undertones that could’ve been a bit, well, awkward and possibly a bit close to the bone. So, instead I found some bed sheets at home, which I tore up into gowns. I then scrawled PSYCHIATRIC INPATIENT all over them with my marker pen.
When we got into Central London we tried to find something to eat, but I didn’t want to use Dad’s card. Jack only had three pounds on him so we split a KitKat and a Lucozade. We sat on another bench – this time by the river – then put on our costumes.
We laughed as we pulled them on over our clothes. Hearing Jack’s laugh did something to me that I can’t fully explain. It wasn’t some big swell of emotion, of joy or excitement, but a small echo, deeply rooted, of something I don’t experience very often, if at all. Peace. In that moment, I realised that so much of me has been trying to fix the way I feel outside of myself. To get other things, other people, to change the way I feel. It’s why I move so fast. My brain.
But the peace was in there all along – I felt it from inside me.
It was strange. But also, pretty huge.
I didn’t tell him, though.
I used my face-paint set to give us bruised faces and bloody gashes on our cheeks and foreheads. People gave us funny looks, but it didn’t seem to matter.
Nothing really seemed to matter.
We sat mostly in silence. But it wasn’t really silent. The air between us seemed very full. Full of something that we shared without words. A history.
‘Eli,’ Jack says as we watch the lights of the buildings ripple over the water. ‘It’s so weird, all this.’
I stare back at him. ‘Yeah.’
‘I mean…’ He trails off. ‘Maybe we could just stay here?’
I like that idea. I do.
‘But we need to know,’ I say.
He nods. ‘We do.’ He exhales, looking down at himself. ‘We look insane.’
‘We do.’
And off we go.
The street at the back of TraumaLand is hard to find. Last night when I was there I wasn’t exactly in my right mind. Then I hear the noise of retching.
Jack is taller than I am. Slightly. Being near him calms me. I actually feel less terrified with him here. Why did Dad say he was dangerous?
He’s lying. He has to be.
As we make our way down the alley, the thump of the trance music grows louder. Up ahead I can see a group of people dressed in a plethora of bloody and battered outfits.
‘Are they being sick ?’ Jack whispers.
‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘Some of it’s…’ I remember Amy. Her leg. Bella, finding her little brother in the bath. ‘Some of the stories are pretty awful.’
‘And all these lot think the people in them are actors?’
‘Yeah…’
‘Can’t we just … tell them?’
‘I think Casimir might not like that.’ I remember what Nisha said about him. Particular . The word feels oddly threatening tonight.
I see a row of bins. ‘Here,’ I say. ‘We need to stash our stuff. If Casimir finds the headset on us…’ I don’t finish the sentence, but I know he understands.
‘Eli…’ he says cautiously. ‘I’m…’
I turn to him. ‘Scared?’
‘Yeah.’ And he looks it. Behind the face paint, I can see fear. Fear of what we have done. Or what has been done to us.
‘Me too.’ But we need to know.
I open the lid of the nearest bin and throw my bag into it. ‘OK,’ I say, looking at the people huddling by the back door. ‘Nisha should be coming out any time now.’ I step towards it. ‘Just act like you’ve—’
‘What? Seen something traumatic?’
‘Yeah. Exactly.’
I scan my eyes over the crowd as we approach. Sweeny Todd, Count Dracula and Pearl, all vomiting into buckets. Freddie Krueger sitting on the pavement, wiping the sweat from his forehead, crying.
‘This is nuts,’ Jack says under his breath.
I see one of the bouncers from the other night standing by the door. The words on the back of it. The alien. But no Nisha.
‘Let’s wait here for a second…’
Come on, come on.
The door swings open and my heart jumps. A crowd of people file out, some laughing, some deathly white. I catch snippets of their conversation – oh my God, that was sick, this place is insane .
I suddenly panic. If we use Dad’s bank card, he’ll know where we are.
I turn to Jack. ‘You don’t have a bank card, do you?’
He shakes his head. ‘There’s nothing on it.’
Shit. We don’t have any other choice. We’ll have to get in, watch it, then run.
Like Cameron said. Run . Hide .
A hit of fear explodes in my stomach.
‘You sure Nisha’s coming?’ Jack whispers.
‘I…’ No. No, I’m not. Why did my last message not go through to her? What if she’s not here? What if she’s been lying? What if she’s told Casimir we’re coming?
Come on, Eli. This isn’t the time. Plan. I need a plan…
I see the bouncer – the one who was flirting with Zombie Mary Poppins last night (God, was it only last night ?) – start chatting to Poison Ivy. His back is turned to the partly opened door.
An opportunity. Fuck it. I grab Jack’s hand and pull him towards it.
‘Eli…’
As the bouncer laughs at something Poison Ivy says, we slip through the gap. The door swings shut after us and the noise of it slamming echoes around the stairwell.
We’re in.
Easy. Too easy . Where is she?
‘Is everything OK?’ Jack says. ‘With Nisha?’’
‘Yeah,’ I say as my eyes adjust to the darkness. ‘I’m sure she’s just caught up at the bar…’ I turn to him. He looks terrified. A terrified psychiatric patient. ‘You ready?’
‘I dunno…’ He squints at me through the half-light. ‘You look completely mental.’
‘So do you.’
I begin to descend the stairs.
‘Eli…’ he says, his voice quiet. Unsure.
I turn back. ‘Yeah?’
A look of uncertainty flashes in his eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘ What? ’ Please don’t leave. Not now. We’re so close—
‘Whatever the end of the story – I’m sorry if I caused this.’
Oh, God. This is awful. This is truly awful.
I step towards him and place my hand on his arm. ‘No way,’ I say. ‘No one caused this but my parents.’
‘But what if—’
‘Listen, Jack. I could tell from the montage that you’re an amazing person.’ He drops his eyes. ‘You’re not capable of anything awful. You just aren’t. This is all them. I know it is.’
‘I hope you’re right,’ he says.
Side by side, we descend the steps towards the door to TraumaLand.
As I push it open, I notice the words on the back, marked in spray paint.
Find yourself
Or be lost forever