Traumaland

30 PRAYING TO THE STARS

30

PRAYING TO THE STARS

The strobes blare. The music thrums.

I see the repeating doors in the wall surrounding us. The luminous words on the ceiling. The mass of bodies moving in time to the sound of the vault’s beating heart. The neon rabbit everywhere.

The rabbit, the rabbit, the rabbit .

‘Whoa,’ says Jack. ‘This is…’ He trails off, his eyes fixing on to the clock.

02:32… 02:31… 02:30…

He points. ‘What’s that?’

I lean towards him. ‘When the timer stops,’ I shout over the music, ‘we all pick a door. A story. The one I saw you in is called BUCKET.’ He nods, his eyes scanning the words above each vault. ‘Inside is a headset like the one you used earlier. We have to pay for time, so I’ll make sure you have the maximum.’ He turns to me, eyes wide. ‘Unless you want me to watch it?’

‘No,’ he says. ‘I want to.’

I look at the bar in the middle of the throng of people. Ajax is there. But no Nisha.

‘Come on,’ I say.

Together we move along the edge of the wall – past GRAVEYARD, BOAT, CHAINSAW, PARACHUTE, ELEVATOR – until we’re standing in front of BUCKET.

‘This is your story,’ I yell.

Jack nods, watching the crowd jumping in a chaotic pulse – dum, dum, dum, dum . He looks disoriented. Like he might be sick.

Suddenly, the lights and music stop. The bodies stop jumping.

The warped voice echoes through the room.

I watch Jack’s face as he listens, taking in each word. Blank. Like I was.

‘ And so, welcome to TraumaLand ,’ the voice finishes. ‘ It is now time for you to choose your story .’

The crowd begins to move. People push past each other to reach their chosen door.

I feel Jack’s hand on my arm. ‘I don’t know about this, Eli…’ he says. He turns to me, his eyes searing. ‘Can you watch it first?’

Oh shit. ‘Yeah, yeah, course I can.’

I turn to the keypad on the wall. I push the up button to the max amount. Then I hold Dad’s card over the card reader – here goes .

I tap it. ￡50.

Will it work? Maybe Dad’s blocked it—

Card accepted.

The door swings open. ‘My dad will know where we are. We can figure out what to do next once we—’

‘Once we know what happened,’ Jack whispers and I nod. ‘Jesus Christ.’

Part of me doesn’t want to leave him out here on his own. ‘If you feel panicked or scared maybe go back up and get some fresh air. Or if you see Nisha, you can speak to her.’

‘I’ll be fine,’ he says. ‘I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.’

‘OK,’ I say.

I turn away from him and step inside the vault.

It’s the same as before. Empty room. Brick walls, concrete floor. A headset right in the middle.

I know what fear is now and I’m terrified. Completely terrified.

I exhale and pull on the headset.

YOU HAVE CHOSEN BUCKET. YOU ARE NOW JACK. HELLO, JACK. YOUR STORY WILL START IN 3… 2… 1…

I leave the vault and drown myself in Jack’s memory, which is familiar and horrifying all at once, until I reach the end of our story.

– JACK –

‘ Eli? ’ I nudge his side with my arm . ‘ Eli? ’

I put my ear next to his mouth . He ’ s breathing, but there ’ s so much blood, still pooling out of the gash on his head . The man with the bald head shoves me aside and places his hand over the wound to stop it bleeding, but the blood keeps coming .

I need to get Eli out of here . Now .

I look up at the man in the balaclava . ‘ Help him . Help your son! ’

But he turns to the bald man, Karl . ‘ Go and get the car ready . They ’ re waiting for us at the clinic .’

Karl steps outside .

I hear a scraping noise and watch Eli ’ s dad as he picks up one of the wooden chairs, turns it over and places it in front of the door, trapping us in .

He looks down at his son and there ’ s a flash of concern .

He turns his eyes to me . ‘ He needs help ,’ he says calmly .

‘ Yes, I know! ’

‘ Then you must listen to me ,’ he says . ‘ That ’ s the only way to save him . Or something is going to happen to you both that none of us want .’

‘ You ’ re seriously messed up …’ I turn to Eli . ‘ Eli, I ’ m here …’

I start pulling at my wrists, biting back a scream as the skin scrapes on the rope, until one hand slips out .

‘ Jack …’ Eli ’ s father says as I scramble across the rug to Eli, my hands now free . ‘ Jack, you need to listen . There ’ s no point .’

I put my hands on Eli ’ s face, shaking it gently . ‘ Come on, Eli . We ’ re going to get out of here .’

‘ That ’ s not going to happen, Jack, until you comply .’

When I turn back, I see Eli ’ s dad is holding something in one hand – a ring binder .

‘ He ’ s your son! ’ I shout, my hands wet with Eli ’ s blood . ‘ Don ’ t you care? ’

‘ More than you would know .’

‘ Please … Just let us go .’

‘ I have something to offer you .’

‘ I don ’ t want to hear it .’

‘ Well, I ’ m afraid you ’ re going to have to . I hope you can see that you ’ ve put me in a very difficult position .’ He tucks the ring binder under his arm, takes out a cigarette and lights it . ‘ If I let you go, you ’ ll tell people what happened . And you must understand that if people find out, my life, my family ’ s life, Elias ’ s life – ’ he points a steady hand at Eli – ‘ will be completely destroyed .’

‘ That ’ s the price you pay ,’ I say and his eyes darken . ‘ Eli needs a hospital – look at him .’

He stands, walks over to me and stops, looking down . ‘ It ’ s a problematic coincidence that you ’ ve appeared in my life after so long, Jack .’

‘ I don ’ t agree . There are no coincidences . You were meant to be found .’

‘ You need to realise no matter what happens here – ’ he holds my gaze – ‘ you will never tell anyone what happened .’

‘ The police have been looking for you for years .’ He takes a drag of his cigarette . ‘ Please – let us go .’

Eli groans next to me as his dad takes the file from under his arm .

‘ What is that? ’ I say, keeping my hand on Eli . His breathing is shallow .

‘ I have a proposition for you . I want to offer you a kinder option than the only other way to keep you silent .’

‘ A kinder option than what? What ’ s the clinic? ’

‘ You can make all of this go away .’

‘ I don ’ t— ’

‘ Stop ,’ he says, holding up his hand . ‘ Yes, you do . We both want Elias to live, so I suggest you keep your mouth shut . I ’ m offering to pay you money – a lot of money – to leave right now and never mention a thing . You can have whatever you want . Your own flat, university, travel the world – things someone in your position could only wish for . I know how hard it ’ s been for you . I know that you ’ ve had nothing . I can change that for you . There are conditions, but all I need is your name .’ He holds out the file . ‘ Sign this and it ’ s all yours .’

‘ So you can go on telling people how to live their lives? Those people deserve to know the truth .’

‘ We make the truth ,’ he says . ‘ If you ’ re powerful enough, the truth can be whatever you want it to be . So, how does twenty thousand pounds sound? ’

I shake my head . ‘ After what you did? ’

‘ Thirty .’

‘ No way .’

He sighs, impatient now . ‘ All right, Jack – let ’ s make this easy .’ He leans forwards . ‘ I will give you fifty thousand pounds if you step out of this hut right now and never think of my family again .’

‘ No .’

‘ Jack …’

I clamber to my feet . He keeps his eyes on me, but he doesn ’ t move . ‘ Do you really expect me to do that? Because of what you did, I will think about you and your family every day for the rest of my life, whether you like it or not .’ I pause . ‘ Nothing will change that .’

‘ You ’ re wrong there ,’ he says under his breath .

‘ What? ’

‘ You don ’ t know what I ’ m capable of .’

‘ Actually, I do . And I ’ m not leaving without Eli .’

‘ And if you leave here, what do you think you and Elias will do? Run off into the sunset together? ’ He laughs, shaking his head . ‘ You don ’ t know him, Jack . You and Eli are incredibly different . He gets bored very easily . His mind needs stimulation and I ’ m afraid that someone like you just won ’ t be able to give him that .’

‘ Fuck you ,’ I say .

He shrugs . ‘ I ’ m warning you . You should stay away from him . He ’ s not been well and when it gets bad, he can be incredibly difficult .’

‘ I don ’ t need you to tell me who he is .’

‘ You think you know my son better than me? ’ He takes a final drag of his cigarette and flicks it into the corner . ‘ I ’ ll give you one more opportunity .’ He steps towards me . ‘ Take the deal .’

I feel my blood pumping in my temple . ‘ No . Fucking . Way ,’ I say . ‘ I will never stop telling people what you are .’ I move so my face is in his . ‘ Because you are a hypocrite and a mur— ’

Suddenly his fist flies into my face .

The ringing in my ears is deafening . I ’ m laid on my back, staring at the solar system painted on the ceiling above . But then, in a flash, it ’ s gone and his hands are around my throat .

‘ I told you ,’ he spits as he squeezes his fingers around my windpipe . ‘ I told you this wouldn ’ t end well .’

I try to grab his fingers, but he digs them in harder, crushing my throat .

I try to shout, to scream, but I can ’ t . The edges of my vision begin to darken .

I kick my feet, trying to lift my knees to knock him off me, but I ’ m too weak . His face is scrunched with the effort as he digs harder, teeth bared .

Then I smell burning . Something is burning . Behind him, light flickers .

I see the outline of a boy . He ’ s standing . And there are flames behind him .

The curtains where the cigarette landed – they ’ re on fire .

My vision swims . Everything is about to go black, when I hear shouts . Muffled thuds .

I realise the hands are no longer around my throat . I gasp for air, looking up .

Eli and his dad are tumbling on the floor together . I see their silhouettes, framed by the flames, as Eli reaches for the pole . His dad jumps for him, but Eli turns and plunges it into his stomach .

His dad drops to his knees .

Eli stumbles backwards and falls on to the rug . The rug that is now alight .

‘ Eli! ’ I shout . I pull myself up and crawl towards him . ‘ Eli! ’

His jumper is on fire . He ’ s screaming . Thrashing around . Trying to put out the flames as they spread across his chest .

Somehow, the bucket is in my hand . I throw the water at him, but as the flames die I can see the fabric is melted into his skin . I pull him off the rug as his cries pierce the air . The smoke is thick, clouding my vision . I drag his body, hauling him towards the door, the flames now climbing up the wooden walls .

‘ Help! ’ I scream, but the smoke clogs my throat . ‘ Someone help us! ’

I feel a rush of air as the door swings open .

Gulping in the air from outside, I drag Eli up, sling his arm over my shoulder and haul him out on to the muddy ground .

I need to move – deeper into the woods . I blink the tears out of my eyes .

‘ Stop! ’ someone shouts and I lift my head .

It ’ s a woman . A woman with a blonde ponytail, standing with Karl .

‘ Oh my God …’ she screams . Her hand goes to her mouth . ‘ Eli! ’

I try to drag him towards her, but I can ’ t . I trip, landing in the dirt next to him . He writhes in agony, his cries cutting through the cold air .

Blood and burnt flesh . All I can smell is blood and burnt flesh .

The woman grabs my arm . Eli ’ s mother . ‘ No one will know about this ,’ she says . ‘ Do you hear me? ’

She looks at her son, her eyes filling with tears . ‘ Help is coming, Eli . It ’ s coming— ’ Then she turns to Karl . ‘ Get Gordon, now .’ She looks panicked . Terrified . ‘ They can help us at the clinic .’

And then she runs . Back to the house, leaving her son .

I turn to him . ‘ I ’ m here ,’ I say . ‘ I ’ m here .’ I reach out my hand and gently touch his arm .

‘ Jack …’ he whispers . ‘ Jack, I ’ m scared .’

‘ Me too . Me too .’

And I lie with him, on my back, praying to the stars .