Chapter Sixty-Two
Lilac
Irvin removes my bloody clothes from my body and places me in the warm water of the tub.
I sit, blink up at the window, staring at the full, pale moon.
Irvin says something, but my mind doesn’t register what he said.
My body feels as if it’s not my own, as if I’m floating. My body feels heavy, like dead weight.
The water turns pale pink. My body is numb.
Irvin rubs the washcloth over my shoulder, and the fabric is too rough.
I flinch. The soap on my skin is too cold.
The lights from the ceiling blind my eyes.
I close my eyes, trying to block everything, but I can’t.
No matter how hard I try. The smell of iron mixes with lavender and invades my nostrils.
Everything is too sharp—Irvin’s voice, the scrape of the washcloth, the water, even though it feels warm against my skin.
After Irvin bathes me, he wraps a cotton towel around my body, drying me off.
He bends down, and I lean on his shoulders as he slides my fresh panties on, then my silk pajama shorts, and then he buttons up my matching silk shirt.
The fabric is satiny against my skin. He picks me up and carries me to our bed.
His hands on my body feel warm, inviting.
His cologne invades my nostrils. Him being so close calms me somehow.
I study his facial features—his face relaxed, devoid of emotions.
The cool blanket presses against my sensitive skin.
I continue to stare at the moon through the window. The silence scares me. Everything feels wrong. Too wrong. It’s peaceful, quiet. The smell of both our scents is in the room, wrapping me up in a bubble.
My chest tightens, and my hands shake. My eyes sting.
I burst out in tears, placing my fingers over my eyes.
I sob, burying my face in Irvin’s chest. I don’t know what came over me.
I try to suppress the tears, but there’s no use.
I let it all out, soaking Irvin’s chest. He strokes my hair, pats my back, and I cry even harder.
So many emotions stir in me—horror, grief, relief—all crashing down at once.
Have I gone mad? Am I losing my mind?
The crack of the skull.
Buried in the ground.
Blood on my clothes.
The axe in my hand.
My mind is quiet. Why?
My mind is completely silent for the first time ever. There isn’t any noise. How can I go on without the noise in my head? My mind is empty. Calmer.
What does this all mean?
I had to do what I had to do.
I had to survive.
I needed to survive.
My body is extremely exhausted. My limbs feel as if they weigh a ton. My eyelids are heavy.
Irvin squeezes me tight. “I love you, Lilac.”
He kisses my forehead. I cry harder, then lie completely on top of him, feeling the warmth of his chest against my cheeks. I hold on to him like he’s my anchor.
I squeeze him back.
I stare out at the clear sea and exhale loudly. The sea is calm and soothing. The screeches of seagulls pierce the air. The smoky clouds hover over the sun.
I exhale again, relaxing my shoulders. I inhale the salty, fresh air, then exhale again. I feel like I can breathe—truly breathe—after what seems like forever.
Emerson is dead. I killed him. My mind is quiet.
The wind blows my bangs out of my face, kissing the sides of my cheek. The ocean waves steady me.
I thought Irvin was exactly like Emerson.
But they aren’t alike. Irvin wanted to own me, obsessing over me because he really loves me.
He would never have killed my parents. He would never have forced himself on me if he knew I truly didn’t want it.
He has been my protector. And I feel bad because I blamed him for the murders on campus.
I sent him to prison. And if he hadn’t called Jameson, he would have died.
I would have gotten an innocent man killed.
The guilt eats at me like a disease. He didn’t deserve to get the death sentence for something he didn’t do.
I wanted to believe he was a monster because it would make hating him for tricking me into marriage easier.
But Irvin truly loves me. He helped me realize who I really am.
He didn’t try to change me. He loves me for who I am.
I smile, lying back on the dark rock.
Emerson, on the other hand, was downright evil.
He didn’t care how his methods affected me.
He didn’t care about my life; he just wanted to control it.
He wanted to use me, and he framed his fucked-up behavior on love.
He was truly fucked up in the head. He killed my parents and thought I wanted to be with him.
The entire time, he was working for a secret society.
My parents didn’t deserve to die. They didn’t deserve that kind of act.
They accepted Emerson as their own child.
They treated him like their son. I don’t care what my parents did—they didn’t deserve to have their lives robbed from them.
Irvin wanted control because he understood my feelings for him.
He knew I wanted to be with him. He wanted me to stop running and accept myself for who I truly am.
I didn’t like his methods, but he made me face who I am today.
Even though Irvin and Emerson are similar, they are not the same. Irvin always looked out for me.
Hollowness creeps into my chest as tears trail down my cheeks. I felt free when I killed Emerson. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in so long. That frightens me—the way it felt like a breath of fresh air. Not the killing part, but that he is now gone and no longer torturing my mind.
No more hallucinations.
No more living in fear.
No more worrying about my past catching up to me.
Quietness.
Stillness.
Calmness.
I shiver. My hands shake. Tears tickle down my cheeks.
Irvin has no ethical limits, and sometimes that feels unsafe for me. He doesn’t have any limits on the way he kills people. I understand what he means when he says what he will do if someone is a threat to him.
Speaking of the devil, he steps into view and sits beside me.
I sit up, and he pulls me into his lap. “How did the board meeting go?”
He had to meet with them and clear his name of the killings that took place on campus.
“They dropped the charges since we’ve caught the true killer. Plus, I don’t have to complete my last trial.” He kisses my forehead. “Snow and the board members are speaking to the board members of the Quiet Gods about Emerson. So there won’t be any war between us.”
I smile. “Good. Is Jameson in trouble for bailing you out?”
He nods. “The board members are pissed, but they only deducted his pay.”
I rest my head on his hard chest. My hands shake, and I sigh.
“What is it?” Irvin asks.
“I’m sorry.”
He arches an eyebrow, so I go on.
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you about not being the killer on campus. I’m sorry for…” My eyes water. “I’m sorry for turning you in to Snow for a crime you didn’t commit. I almost cost y—”
He wipes my tears. “It’s okay, my princess. You were dealing with a lot. I’m just glad you’re safe. Back at home with me.”
I nod. He kisses me deeply, softly.
I wrap my arms around my legs. I need to get something off my chest. I’ve been holding it in since the murder of Emerson.
“I feel… good that he is gone. I felt free when I killed Emerson.” I sob softly. I know it’s wrong to feel these emotions, but I sleep better at night. He’s not haunting me anymore. He’s not a ghost of my past.
Irvin kisses my forehead. “He got what he deserved. He deserved to be killed, especially by the person he hurt the most.” He cups my face. “You didn’t deserve any of the shit he put you through. Your parents didn’t deserve to die.”
He holds me tighter, but I don’t respond to his words. Deep down, I feel the exact same way. He’s right. I didn’t deserve any of it. And here I am—free. Safe. Loved. In the arms of the man who would protect me at all costs.