Chapter Sixty-Four
Lilac
Irvin and I sit outside on the balcony, facing each other, my foot resting in his lap. He stares at me with intense sage-colored eyes. He smiles, then looks out at the darkening sky. It’s the first day of spring break. I’m excited. I needed a break from classes.
I continue to stare at him. I realize I want Irvin more than ever—more than the air I breathe.
The way he’s obsessed with me. The way he loves me.
Is this what I truly want? He uses people as pawns, and he hurts anyone who threatens him.
It hurts that I attract men like him. Every man who wants me becomes completely obsessed with me.
I don’t attract the nice men who come from good homes.
I attract broken men—men who don’t care who they hurt to get what they want.
There’s something monstrous that pulls me in.
I’m supposed to run from them, but I run toward them.
Shame eats at me like a disease.
“I hate attracting men who become obsessive over me. This isn’t love, is it?” I ask, shaking my head at myself.
“Princess, you don’t attract obsessive men,” he says calmly, stroking my cheek. “You attract men who recognize power and want to control it.”
It all makes sense—why Emerson was fixated on me, why Irvin won’t let me go even if I begged him, why it feels like no matter what I do, I can’t get away from him.
Love doesn’t scare me. It’s this type of love that scares me. This isn’t normal love.
“That’s why I’m afraid of loving you,” I whisper, the wind blowing my bangs away. “What we have isn’t healthy.”
He massages my foot. “What we have is ours. Special. It might not be normal for most, but it’s normal for us.”
“If I hadn’t dated Emerson, I wouldn’t be with you.”
“No.” He pauses, his eyes narrowing. “You still would have been mine. You always had darkness in you, baby. It took Emerson to bring it out. You attract men who have darkness. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.”
“Can I ask you an honest question?”
He smiles. “It never stopped you before.”
“Would you have pursued me if you weren’t attracted to my darkness?”
He smiles. “Yes. Because I love your soul.”
I kiss his cheek. I might attract dark men, men who kill. Men who do bad things, but it doesn’t have to go any further. I’ve already chosen my knight in shining black armor.
“What if we never work out? What if this marriage doesn’t work? What if I’m too broken or you go too far?”
His eyes widen. “It won’t. I promise you. We’re in this together forever.”
I study his facial expressions. A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.
I wrap my arms around his neck. “I choose you, forever.”
Lilac
I sit up on my knees as I stare at Irvin. He looks so beautiful with his silver hair—and the tattoo on his face: a lilac plant, with the word Lilac etched above it. He had his sad tattoo covered up with my name.
I trace my finger over it. He flinches a little, but he lets me do it. It looks fresh.
He grabs my hand and kisses my palm. I smile on the inside.
“Is that why you left at the crack of dawn?”
He nods. “Yeah.”
I lean down and kiss his neck. Slowly, I unzip his pants, pull him free, then slide my panties to the side and lower myself onto him. For once, I’m choosing to be with him—choosing to make love to him.
He sits up and pulls me into his arms, holding me close. Tears shimmer in my eyes, and I feel free. I feel at home. I feel like this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
No more lies.
No more manipulation.
Just the two of us—me choosing to accept his darkness.
I’m choosing the very thing that scares me.
Us.
Our relationship.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
He flips me onto my back and fucks me hard and fast. This is the first time he’s ever made love to me without trying to control me. Neither of us is controlling the other.
Raw.
Pure.
Chaotic.
He pulls out of me, then wraps his mouth around my clit as I slide my fingers into his hair. I ride his face until I come undone—until I come all over his face.
He slides back inside me and fucks me so hard that the headboard knocks against the wall. Moments later, I feel him come inside me.
Then he lies on his back. I climb on top of him and rest my head on his chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
He’s mine. Always has been. From the moment I met him last year—when I approached him with a sex kink.
I love this beautiful man of mine, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Desire blooms in my chest. I’m no longer Paige. I’m no longer the girl fighting her past or running from her darkness.
I’m Lilac—fully owning my choices, my desires, and my decision to be with Irvin Ashford.
He’s no longer my lunatic.
He’s my forbidden flame.
He knows it. That’s why he tattooed my name on his face.
He wraps his arms around my back, squeezing gently.
For the first time, I exhale.
For the first time, I feel loved unconditionally.
For the first time in my entire existence, I know what real, raw love feels like.
I wouldn’t have it any other way.