Chapter Eleven Purity
Two months later
The breakup between Dom and I hit me in a place that I never imagined.
If I had to explain the hurt in words, I would say it feels like I was standing on a railroad track and not hearing or seeing a train.
In a split second, one shows up out of nowhere and hits me.
In short, all of this was some shit that I never saw coming.
I thought we were happy. I thought we were in love.
Whenever I think about the situation, my mind is plagued with confusion.
I wondered why he handled me the way that he did.
Why did he even propose to begin with if he was unsure about me?
There was no need for him to try to pick and choose.
I made the decision for him. If its ever a situation where a nigga has to choose between me and another bitch, choose her every time. I want no parts of no shit like that.
What’s even more crazy about the situation, is the fact that the nigga hasn’t tried to reach out once. I guess I made the shit easy for him. It was like I was doing him a favor. I politely got the fuck out of his way.
Embarrassed is an understatement. I told the world about this man.
I proudly showed him off. At the time, I felt that I could do so safely.
This has disrupted my whole life. Thinking back now, my parents knew something was off with Dom.
Especially my dad. Every time I was in his presence he would always put emphasis on him giving me time.
I always took up for him, saying that he was busy with work.
In reality, the nigga was busy building another life.
It’s all good though. The only thing I left with was a broken heart. My son is still very well taken care of. My finances are straight. I’m on my dream job and I have people that genuinely love me in my corner.
Maybe God is just trying to tell me that love isn’t in the cards for me. Now may not be my time. Even if I never get to that altar, I’ll be able to say that I came really close.
The ringing of the phone on my desk brought me back to reality.
“Ms. Banks speaking.”
“Your 3:00 is here.”
“Thanks so much. Send him in.”
I reached into my desk for my mirror to check my appearance.
I didn’t want it to appear that I was going through something.
Though I was feeling it every second of the day.
I didn’t want to wear my heart on my sleeves.
I owe myself so much more grace than I’m giving myself.
I’m proud of the fact that I’m still pushing. Despite the hurt.
It wasn’t long before Mr. Carter was standing in my doorway. I instructed him to have a seat.
“Good evening, how are you?”
I was caught a bit off guard by how well-mannered he was being today. It made me smile.
“I’m well Mr. Carter. How are you?”, I asked with a frank smile.
“Here you go with that Mr. Carter shit. I’m good though. I could complain, though it wouldn’t do me no good anyway.”
“Okay now I know this isn’t a clone in front of me. I was taken aback at first.”
He just smiled, showcasing his deep dimples.
“I’ve just been working on being a better me, that’s all. You wouldn’t believe the way my world has changed in a matter of months.”
“You’d be surprised. As quiet as its kept, I feel the same way”, I said looking down.
My words came out in a slight annoyance. Not with Trill but with my situation.
“You know, it’s like all of my life I’ve been chasing something.
For a while I didn’t know what it was. Then I realized, it was the void of not having a father figure.
I was trying to put the pieces together in my own head.
Not knowing that if I knew anything about him, I would learn more about myself.
Only to find out that he died before I ever got the opportunity to get any real answers for him.
The first time I laid eyes on this man, he was in a coffin”, he laughed in a sarcastic but hurt manner.
When he made the statement that he has been working on him, I felt it.
In a strange way I can sense it. Right now, his vulnerability is on full display.
I don’t know why he felt comfortable talking to me about it, but I appreciated it.
I didn’t want him finding that out to cause him to fall off the wagon.
He has been doing such a good job of staying out of the way.
If there was anything that I could do to help keep him that way, I would.
Being a probation officer causes us to step into many other roles sometimes. So, I had no problem sitting here like a therapist being a listening ear.
“I’m so sorry Trill. Did you have any relationship with anyone in his family?”
“Not at the time. Since learning of his death, I’ve met my uncle. I’m still wrapping my head around that. He seems to be a genuine ass nigga. The verdict is still out though”
I laughed because throughout all of this, he still found humor in the situation. I like that about him. It tells me a lot about his character. Not a lot of people can find light in a dark situation.
“I say go in with an open mind. Give him a chance to prove himself. The relationship that you hoped to have with your dad, maybe he can fill that void”
“Since we met, he has been by my side. I can’t lie about that. He just blindsided me in one situation. It pissed me off initially, but then I later realized why”
He looked off into the distance. Obviously in deep thought.
“You don’t have to hold it all in. I have time to listen if you have time to talk”
He nodded his head in agreeance. Taking his time to think carefully on his words.
“You know the night I met you and what went down. The nigga I was beefing with, I found out he’s, my half-brother. Not only did I find out about my dad. My arch enemy is literally my fuckin brother. Crazy shit, right?”
“Wow”
That was all I could muster up at the time. I now see why he said his world has changed so much. That’s a lot to take in.
“How are you taking that?”, I asked.
“Day by day, I guess. I still haven’t told my boys. Shit, I really don’t know how to. These real street niggas. How can I tell them that the very niggas we been trying to ki- “
I gave him a knowing look. We were still in my office and there was no telling who was listening.
“The niggas we have been having run-ins with for the longest; the leader is my blood. Niggas probably want to kill my ass after some shit like that. Not that I’m worried and it’s some shit that was out of my control. I just don’t know man”
“I feel like if they’re your true friends, you should tell them.
They ought to love you enough to understand as well.
The streets come with a lot. One thing it didn’t come with is a rule book.
We have no control over the way life plays out.
In a matter of seconds your life can change drastically.
That’s what you’re experiencing. Either they understand or they move around.
When it comes to you, are you still going to want harm to come to the person you share a father with?
You don’t have to answer that right off. It’s just something to think about”
“Its soooo much. I can’t even go into it right now. Eventually, I know I have to get all of this shit off of my chest.”
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“I appreciate that. What’s up with you though?”
“What you mean?”
“Come on Purity. I knew some shit was off with you the moment I stepped into the doorway. I’m not a therapist or no shit like that but I know how to listen. Allow me to lend you my ears the same way you just did it for me.”
I just smiled a sad smile. I didn’t know if should share or not. I needed an outlet badly. I talk to my girls often, but I honestly wanted a different perspective. This may go against everything, but I have already crossed that bridge.
“I don’t want to dwell on my situation too much. In a nutshell, I witnessed my fiancé proposing to another woman. I left him and the rest is history. I’m just trying to get to a place of normalcy again. I thought I was going to be planning a wedding, only to end up single”
“That nigga that was here that day?”
“Yes, the one you asked me about”
“We met before that day”
“Huh? Really?’
“At my place of business. He was there with some light skin chick. He paid the full price to get her car gutted and what not.”
I shook my head in astonishment. Dom was really out here living a double life right under my nose.
“I ain’t trying to make you feel bad. I just want to point out the fact that the nigga is a fuckin dummy.”
“I want to ask why you didn’t tell me. I guess it really wasn’t your place though. I just feel stupid. Everyone knew and felt it for me.”
“Look at what you just said. Everyone knew but you. That’s nothing to feel stupid about.
The moment it was brought to your attention, you did what any woman with morals would do.
You left that nigga. No, it wasn’t my place.
I didn’t want you to think that I was trying to throw salt on him just to get at you.
That’s not my game. I just stayed in my place as a “client”.
You don’t deserve that shit though. Too fuckin pretty for that. ”
His last statement caught me off guard. It caused me to lift my head up and look into his face.
I don’t know if it was the heartbreak causing my vulnerability or what.
I was looking into the face of the most handsome man ever.
His smooth chocolate skin, deep dimples and pretty teeth would make any woman weak.
He wasn’t short stepping in the looks department at all.
I think that the way we met threw me off.
He was everything that I tried to stay away from.
Hood mentality, street ethic, and still living the life.
With the profession that I’m in, that didn’t make sense to me.
Since being his PO, I realized that are so many layers to a person.
The outer appearance never gives everything away.
I’ve been playing it safe for so long. Look what it got me. Dom is a whole educated ass, well put together man. The motherfucker still played. A dog is a dog. No matter if you get them from the projects or the suburbs.
“I’m pretty now that I’m heartbroken and single?”, I asked, laughing lightly.
“Since the first day I laid eyes on you I found you attractive. Pretty, beautiful, every fucking adjective in the thesaurus that can be used to describe your beauty. You’re bad in every sense of the word”
“Thank you”
“Thank the creator. He made you in his image. I’m just the nigga who’s appreciating it.”
The nigga definitely had a way with words. It scared me. Right now, he was saying all of the right things. It was just at the wrong time. I just got out of a proposal. My heart is still in shambles. Furthermore, I’m his PO.
I can’t deny the fact that the words still felt good to hear. I see now I’m going to have to really be careful around him. This nigga is trying to make me go against everything that I stand for.
“I need you to go in the bathroom and leave me a sample.”
He smiled again, showing off those dimples.
He was picking up exactly what I was putting down.
I couldn’t be in his presence too long. There was a strong possibility that he would break me down like a fraction.
I don’t know if I need that right now. It may be best for us to keep personal conversations at a minimum.
There was a change about him. One that was pulling me towards him like gravity. It scared me and intrigued me at the same time.