17. Lila
SEVENTEEN
Lila
“So, you weren’t kidding. You do own a swimsuit.”
Harrison took the lounge seat next to mine and eyed me with a soft glare, but the twitch in his lips told me that his scowl was anything but sincere. I adjusted my sunglasses, taking immense pleasure in the fact that I was creeping into whatever good graces he possessed. He didn’t hate me anymore. I could tell. It almost felt like he liked me... but I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high.
“Believe it or not, I can relax.” He sat back as if to prove his point and scanned the immense black sand beach before us. He put his hands behind his head, causing his rather large biceps to bulge in the process. Harrison shirtless was certainly a sight to see. His sleeves of tattoos stopped at the edge of his pecs, leaving the rest of his chiseled abs and chest bare. Yeah, this wasn’t helping my crush in the slightest.
After the lighthouse, we had driven around for a while, just taking in some of the sights. We’d even gone to the very tip-top of a cliff to see an old church that had been touted as having the best view on the island. While it certainly did have a breathtaking view, the fact that it was hundreds of feet above everything else had resulted in me panicking a little tiny bit on the way up. Harrison, ever the complainer, had insisted I’d punctured his spleen by holding on too tight.
After that, we had stopped at a little restaurant for lunch. When we had arrived and spotted the beach stretching out before us, I had insisted we stay for a while. Thankfully, we’d had the foresight to bring our bathing suits.
“You know what, you do look relaxed.”
“Aren’t you glad you listened to me?” He gestured to the four-wheeler that sat parked behind us.
“I guess you’re right about some things,” I said easily, shrugging.
I could admit when I was wrong. Driving around the island had been one of the highlights of the trip so far. There was something magical about the breeze in our faces as we climbed hills for views of the sea. This whole day felt like a release.
“Your order.” The waiter arrived and set down some type of feta dip with pita and the coffee Harrison had ordered. I winced when I saw it on its own. Shoot. I had ordered an espresso. The pick-me-up of a little caffeine had sounded perfect for midday, but the waiter must not have heard me.
“Thank you,” I said but at the same time Harrison asked, “You ordered an espresso, didn’t you?”
“This is fine,” I quickly said, giving the waiter an apologetic smile.
Harrison furrowed his brow and frowned. “Uh, I think we had an espresso too,” he said easily.
“No problem.” The waiter smiled. “I’ll bring it right out.”
Before I even had time to object, he was gone.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I mumbled.
“Didn’t have to do what? Ask him for what you ordered?”
“It was an honest mistake. I hate to cause a scene over something like that.” But when the waiter came back seconds later, carrying a small glass cup with the perfect shot of espresso in it, my heart swelled with pleasure and I took a grateful sip.
Harrison lifted a brow and took a sip from his own cup. “Politely asking for what you ordered is hardly causing a scene.”
“Maybe I didn’t say it loudly enough,” I replied weakly.
He snorted. “You definitely did. Why are you being so weird about this?”
My skin bristled in defense. “I’m not being weird. I just don’t want to make anyone’s life harder.”
I could feel his gaze on me but kept mine fixed to the waves in front of us.
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way,” he started.
“When has that ever stopped you from saying something before?”
“All I was going to say is that you’re too much of a people-pleaser.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a people-pleaser.” He was right, though. My insatiable drive to be liked inevitably made me the biggest people-pleaser of them all. But what was so bad about that? “I’d rather be a people-pleaser than actively try to scare off everyone who comes into contact with me.” I grabbed a pita and started shoveling in the food resting on the small table between us.
Harrison blew out a breath. “Fair enough. But trying too hard to appease others isn’t healthy.”
“Oh, as opposed to you who would rather die than do somebody a simple favor?”
He groaned and tilted his head back. “Damn, Lila. I wasn’t trying to start a fight about this. I just don’t like the idea of you not standing up for yourself.”
“I stand up for myself when it matters.” I swallowed the bite I was chewing. “Like when a certain someone used to be an asshole to me for no reason. I definitely didn’t let him walk all over me. I’m not completely spineless.”
“I know that,” Harrison said, purposefully keeping his voice gentle. “The only point I was trying to make was that it’s okay to say no sometimes, or to ask for what you want. You aren’t being difficult, and people will still like you.”
“You didn’t like me,” I pointed out, cringing at how pathetic that sounded. I scooped up another bite of dip. Nothing like stress-eating to calm the nerves.
“I don’t like anyone,” he said, turning in his chair so that his feet were on the sand and he was facing me. “ Except you.”
I rolled my eyes behind my sunglasses. “Sure, you say that now because we’re stuck on this trip together, but?—”
“Lila, I’ve always had to push you away because you’re the most likable person I’ve ever met, okay? You need to stop trying so hard.”
I tipped my espresso back, polishing it off with one last gulp before setting it back on the table. I was unsure of what to say next. Part of me wanted to continue to deny that I tried too hard, but I knew he was right. I was slammed at work because I couldn’t say no to anyone, and I refused to delegate. Even the whole thing with helping Harrison at his shop—I hadn’t had the time for that, but I was so desperate for him to like me that I’d convinced myself I did.
“I promise, I won’t try too hard in the future.” I saluted in his direction.
Harrison ran his hand along his jaw and assessed me.
“What? I’m serious. I’ll try.”
“I hope so,” was all he said.
Who was he to be giving me advice? Our blossoming friendship had started, like, seventy-two hours ago. I guess he’d had plenty of time to observe me before that, though.
“You’re so annoying,” I said, in a tone that didn’t mask at all the effect he had on me.
Before he could continue the conversation, I pushed myself off the lounge chair and made a beeline for the water just twenty feet in front of us. Tentatively, I stepped in. The water was warm. Not tolerably cool—actually warm . And it was so clear, I could see straight to my toes even as I took a few more steps out.
“You can’t just get up and leave in the middle of a conversation,” Harrison called from the shore.
“What? Sorry. I can’t hear you.” I let my chin fall into the water to hide my smile as I looked back at Harrison. He stood at the edge of the water with his arms crossed over his chest. The beach was almost completely empty.
“Really mature,” he shouted back.
“Come on, get in. We haven’t even been in the water yet. That’s a total crime.” I dipped my head back, submerging myself completely before standing back up and letting the water run off my hair. “This is seriously perfect.” I sighed with contentment, letting the water wash over my body like some sort of all-powerful healing potion.
“It looks cold,” Harrison replied. He eyed me suspiciously as if I were trying to suppress a shiver and, if he kept an eye on me, I would eventually break.
“It’s the Mediterranean just after summer. I promise you, it’s warm.”
The lines etched in his forehead told me he still didn’t believe me completely, but he at least waded a few steps in. Once it was clear I wasn’t lying, he walked in farther until he was chest-deep. I did my best to keep my eyes off his tattooed arms and pec muscles and focused on his eyes instead.
“You were right. This is nice,” he said, stopping only a foot away from me.
“Told you.”
He stood a few steps farther out than me so that we were almost eye-level.
“Why do you care so much about being liked?” he asked, staring at me intently.
Groaning, I dipped my head back again.
“We’re still on this topic?” Never would I have guessed that Harrison would be the one to insist on continuing a deep conversation and I would be the one trying to run from it.
He shrugged. “What else have we got to do?”
I knit my brow trying to think of a succinct answer. While I was no stranger to therapy, I didn’t usually discuss these types of things with anyone other than Charlie. And Charlie had never really said anything about my tendencies to put others’ needs before my own. Sometimes she intervened, if it affected the business or I was wearing myself out too much, but she had never seen it as a character flaw. Not the way Harrison seemed to.
“I don’t know,” I finally said. “Maybe it’s the curse of being an only child?” I knew that wasn’t it completely, but it felt like a good place to start.
“Your parents put a lot of pressure on you?” he questioned.
“What? No, not at all.” I thought about my parents and how kind and supportive they had been my entire life. “If anything, they showed me how much value could come from just being nice. They’re seriously the sweetest people. They call me every week like clockwork and they try to visit me when they can. They’re so proud of me and Charlie and our company. They brag about it to pretty much anyone who will listen.”
“They sound great,” he said. He raised an eyebrow, encouraging me to continue.
Finally, I let it spill out.
“My ex was hard to please.” That was the understatement of my lifetime.
“The one you thought you’d be with forever?”
“That’s the one and only. What I didn’t mention is that our relationship didn’t just not work out, he kind of sucked.”
Harrison’s eyes hardened and his hand stilled in the water. “How so?”
Sighing, I lifted my feet off the ground and floated, feeling comfort in the feeling. I hated talking about him.
“We met when I was only fifteen and we dated all through college. It should be a crime to date that young. I was so na?ve and aspirational when it came to romance; I thought a first love was the most magical thing that could exist. My parents had been high school sweethearts. My grandparents too, on both sides. I always thought that was the dream. Probably why I latched onto my ex so hard and never let him go, even though he clearly wasn’t right for me. I hate thinking back on all those wasted years when I could have been enjoying myself and instead, I was appeasing him.”
Harrison didn’t say anything. He just watched me as I gathered my next thought.
“He was just...so wrong for me. He hated everything I did. What I wore, my hobbies, how I acted. He thought I was embarrassing.” I shuddered thinking back on it. “I know it sounds silly; it wasn’t like he was overly cruel or anything. But being so young, and having someone who you think hangs the moon tell you to keep it down if you’re laughing too loudly, or pulling you aside during a party to tell you that your jokes aren’t funny and people are giving you strange looks... those kinds of things just really add up. Eventually, I think I was putting on more of a performance for him than living for myself, if that makes sense.”
Harrison winced. “Fuck,” he muttered. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“No, I’m sorry for every prickish thing I ever said to you,” he added quickly. When I looked up, his eyes were burning a hole straight through me.
“You couldn’t have known.” My hands drifted back and forth, letting the water run through my fingers. “Plus, that’s just the way you are.”
“It’s not the way I should have been with you,” he said more forcefully.
We locked eyes for a moment before I tried to shake off his comment.
“Anyway,” I continued. “I guess, because he never gave me much affirmation, I sought it out other places. Volunteering to run a fundraiser because a teacher asked, joining a club in college I had no interest in, just because they were low on membership, going above and beyond when someone asked for my help at work. I loved seeing the grateful or relieved look on someone’s face and knowing I caused that. Maybe it started as a way to overcompensate, but it’s kind of addictive.”
“You’re perfect the way you are.” My eyes widened at Harrison’s statement. “I didn’t mean you should go changing yourself. I just meant...” He looked back to the shore before staring at me again. “I just meant to make sure you’re watching out for yourself. Don’t let anyone take advantage.”
We stood in the water a few seconds, unsure of who should speak next. Finally, I smiled to myself.
“You know, we aren’t that different.”
He lifted a brow, clearly surprised that was where my train of thought had arrived.
“How so?”
“We both care entirely too much about what people think. You suppress everything to ensure you scare them off, and I do everything they ask—and things they don’t ask for—in the hopes of winning them over.”
“That doesn’t exactly sound like a great combination.”
Shrugging, I couldn’t help but feel he was wrong. “Maybe we’re balancing each other out.”
His eyes roamed over my face. “Lila, if anyone could balance me out, it’s you.”