Chapter 28
Dean
It was pretty late, but I couldn’t sleep. I especially couldn’t stand the thought of running into Oli right now, so I’d climbed out of my window and dropped from the second floor like a problematic teenager. He’d probably still heard me with that damn super hearing, but oh well.
I parked beside the curb of the frat house and stared up at it for a moment.
Many times throughout my years here, I’d considered what it would be like to live in this place.
Most of the guys here were my friends. They were always partying, though, and I thought I’d get tired of being around so many people constantly.
Since I had a key, I walked right through the door. I would’ve been surprised there wasn’t anything going on tonight, but they had another big party happening over spring break, so this was the calm before the storm.
A couple guys on the couch greeted me. I said a few words to them before I headed up the stairs. When I reached Linc’s door, I knocked. The sound of the piano stopped, and a moment later, he let me in.
He looked more casual than usual in just a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. His curly hair was messy, whereas when he was out of the house, it was always styled neatly.
“You okay?” he asked, carefully studying me. “You sounded off in your text.”
“Yeah.” I shook my head. “No, not really.”
He hummed his understanding and motioned toward the bed. I sat on the edge of it and folded my hands in my lap. He returned to playing, and the sound helped to relax me.
Linc knew me well enough to give me space.
I’d asked to talk to him, but I needed time to get my head straight.
He was here when I was ready and he didn’t make me feel pressured.
He was antisocial as fuck, and he usually hid away in his apartment, which he refused to disclose the location of to anyone.
If someone needed him, though, he would always come through.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said finally.
He kept playing but softer. Without looking at me, he replied, “About what?”
“Everything. I was trying to be someone’s friend. They’re different than I thought, though, and I feel lost.”
He dropped his hands and turned to face me. “Different how?”
“Just . . . different.” I swallowed, trying to decide how much to say. “I thought he was kind of crazy, but I guess I just didn’t understand him. And now that I’ve started to, I find myself wanting to be there for him. To make sure he doesn’t feel so alone. God, saying that out loud sounds stupid.”
“Why do you think it’s your responsibility to make sure he’s okay?”
My brow furrowed. “I don’t. He has someone to do that for him already.”
“It seems like you’re putting a lot of yourself into this. Enough that you need to talk to someone about it. I can see that it’s wearing you down.”
“Fuck.” I dropped my face into my hands. “What am I doing?”
The bed dipped beside me. Linc’s hand came down gently on my shoulder. “Is this a good friend of yours?”
“We haven’t really known each other for very long. But I feel . . .”
“What?”
“Protective. I don’t know why.”
When he was silent for a while, I looked up. He was rolling his lips thoughtfully, then he brought his feet up to rest on the lip of the bedframe. The way he perched his elbows on his knees made him look like he was about to drop some sage wisdom.
“Maybe you need to really look at the relationship and figure out why you want to help him so badly. Do you identify with him in some way?”
I laughed dryly. “No, I don’t think so.”
“You know, I’m in a similar sort of situation.
This guy is a pain in my ass and, objectively, we don’t know each other well, but I suddenly found myself drawn to him—intrigued by him, even.
Is it probably going to end badly? Yeah, but it could also go the other way.
I don’t think we gain anything by running away from these feelings we can’t explain. ”
I looked at the distance in his eyes and remembered what I’d seen at the party. Not wanting to call it out, I decided not to say anything about it.
“I pushed him away when he opened up to me,” I whispered. “Now, I don’t know where we stand.”
“Yeah, I feel that.” He ran a hand through his curls. “But there are a lot of reasons we push people away. You don’t share a lot of your life, but I know what happened with Sadie was bad. Are you scared of being hurt again? Maybe you’re in fight or flight.”
“No, actually. He would never do that. If anything, he’s the one who needs constant reassurance.” Pausing, I tried to figure out how to word my next question. “How old were you when your parents died?”
His eyes met mine, his brows going up for a second. “Sixteen.”
Wringing my hands together, I nodded slowly. “Does it make you afraid to get close to people?”
“I’m more afraid to lose a chance with the right person.
Losing them showed me how fleeting life can be, and it doesn’t matter who you are or what choices you make.
They went to the symphony, and that was the last thing they ever did.
In a tragic way, I think it’s beautiful because they got to enjoy their favorite thing together: music. ”
I understood what he was saying, but it was different than what Oli had been through. He didn’t know a single thing about his parents. He’d never felt love like that, but he deserved to.
“I don’t know if I can give him what he’s searching for,” I admitted.
“That’s something you have to decide. If you care about someone, truly care about them, I think you’re capable of being everything for them. And if they love you, you’ll be enough. You just have to figure out whether it’s worth putting in the time for them.”
I looked away from him, even though I wasn’t sure why.
Was Oli worth me putting myself out there, changing the things I thought I knew about myself?
I had no idea what I wanted from him or why it felt like it mattered so much.
The mere thought of him being in pain, of the look in his eyes when his insecurities surfaced, made me want to hunt him down right now.
“We have to treasure every moment, Dean. We never know how many we’ll get in this life.”
“Do you think . . .” I took a long breath and forced myself not to back out of the question. “Do you think sexuality is always a spectrum?”
He surprised me by chuckling. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t think there’s any one size fits all. Is that what’s keeping you from jumping in?”
“It was just a question.”
“Okay. I’m going to keep playing. You can stick around, and if anything else pops into your head, let it out. I’m happy to be your sounding board tonight.”
“Thanks, but I think I’m gonna go home.”
“Sure. You’ve got my number.”
“Yeah. You’re too perfect, you know.”
He smiled before he returned to the bench in front of his keyboard. “None of us are perfect. If we were, we wouldn’t have any of the beautiful things that only human suffering can inspire. Bleak, maybe, but I think it’s only in darkness that we learn how to create our own light.”
*****
I didn’t know what time it was when something woke me up. Early enough that I was still tired and the room was dark.
Getting to my feet, I tugged on a t-shirt and stumbled to the door. When I swung it open, I saw a body on the couch, which made me relax. Then I remembered that Remi was here, but there was only one person in front of me.
The deadbolt turned from outside, so I walked over to the door. Unlocking it, I cracked it and peered out. I caught a glimpse of dark hair descending the stairs, so I quickly ran back to my room and threw on some sweats and a pair of shoes. After I’d locked up, I took off toward the gate.
Oli’s headlights were on, and I reached him just as he was pulling out of his spot. When he saw me, he stopped, meeting my eyes through the window.
I went around to the passenger side and opened the door. After I sat down, I tapped my fingers on my thighs. “Where are you going?”
“To clean up the bar. Remi said it’s a wreck.”
I nodded slowly. “I was going to do it.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“It’ll be faster with both of us.”
His stare made my skin prickle, but I didn’t look at him.
Without a word, he started driving. It was silent the entire way, which wasn’t very far, but it sure felt like it.
The music coming from the speakers just made it worse.
Something from anime, I imagined. It made the whole thing feel high-stakes.
When he parked, I got out of the car and headed to the building. He jogged to catch up, then unlocked the bar and held the door for me. I dipped my head and stepped inside, looking around at the disaster.
“I’ll hit the dishes,” I said.
“Got it.”
As he walked past me, his shoulder brushed mine. I latched onto his arm, and immediately, he turned around, meeting my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
His head cocked. “You don’t have to apologize.”
Under the can lights, his skin glowed like warm copper pulled straight from the forge. Those curious eyes were locked on me, and today, they had more amber to them. It was like he was lit from within, a beacon that didn’t even know it was shining. It was a tragedy that no one ever bothered to look.
“Can I try something?” I asked.
“Sure. I’m down for any—”
When I sunk my fingers into his hair, he shut up immediately. I moved closer, but he took a step back.
“There’s a lot to do,” he said.
I opened my mouth to respond, but he turned around. I let him go, then looked at the hand that had been in his hair. It shook, so I made a fist before I headed into the back.
Those dishes weren’t going to do themselves.