Chapter 29
Oliver
Sweat dripped down my brow as I carried a stack of cups to the sink. Dean was hard at work washing the dishes, and I almost apologized for adding more, but I couldn’t say anything through my dry mouth.
He looked at me, releasing the nozzle. Before he could speak, I smiled at him and turned around.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. What I did know was that I’d been a coward from the day I developed intelligent thought. Daydreaming was easy. It was preferable. Reality had teeth, and I’d spent my whole life trying not to get bitten.
In truth, reality scared the hell out of me.
Grabbing the broom, I marched back into the main part of the bar. There was glass on one side of the room, but as I tried to sweep it up, it kept dragging along the floor, creating too much resistance. With a growl, I dropped to my knees and started picking up the larger pieces.
Then, I heard footsteps.
I recognized them, but I couldn’t read them. Was he angry? Annoyed? Just as confused as I was? Maybe afraid too.
That was my fault. I told him the door was open, then I slammed it anyway.
“Damnit,” I muttered when the glass sliced my thumb.
The footsteps sped up, then Dean was right in front of me. I looked up at him, and my eyes widened when I saw the expression on his face.
“It’s not bad,” I assured him, holding it up.
He took my wrist, and when I resisted, he yanked me to my feet like he had super strength.
“Broku, what the hell?”
“Glass can cut deep without you realizing.”
“Seriously, it’s fine. I’ve patched up quite a few things in my day.”
“I don’t care.”
His voice was gruff, leaving no room for argument.
Feeling annoyed, I let him drag me to the other side of the bar.
He tapped his palm on the counter, so I sat on it.
When he disappeared into the back, I sighed.
He wasn’t gone very long, but the walls had already started to feel too close.
Once he was in front of me again, I drew in a full breath.
I held out my hand so he could wipe away the blood. With the first aid kit open beside me, this felt like a much bigger deal than it was. But he was so serious, and that protective look was in his eyes, so I cooperated.
“Sorry I almost kissed you,” he said softly. “I’m stupid.”
“You’re not stupid.”
“For some reason, I thought you’d want that.”
“I do.”
He met my gaze, his dark eyes becoming swallowed by his pupils. “But you walked away.”
“It’s . . .”
“Let me guess. Complicated.”
I shrugged the shoulder not connected to my injured hand. “I guess I’m scared.”
“Of me?”
“No,” I said immediately, breathing a laugh at the ridiculousness of it.
“Well, I’m waiting with bated breath.”
When I shook my head, he refocused on my finger. There was a sharp pinch, which made me suck in a breath and try to jerk away from him. He held on tightly, continuing whatever torture he was doing. After a second, he held up his thumb. There was a tiny piece of bloody glass on it.
He gave me a smug look. “See?”
“It would’ve come out eventually.”
“Or got infected.”
“Okay, Dr. Kennedy.”
He took another minute to disinfect my thumb and wrapped two Band-Aids around it in the shape of an X.
I was about to hop down to continue cleaning, but his hand suddenly latched onto my neck, just firmly enough to hold me in place.
I could still breathe perfectly, but I tried to lean back anyway, my heart racing.
“Talk to me,” he demanded.
“Dean, let me go.”
He dropped his hand but didn’t move back. My eyes closed as he leaned his forehead against mine.
“Please talk to me,” he whispered. “I literally can’t stand this.”
“I’m just scared, okay?”
“You said that, but not why.”
Turning away, I tried to draw in a full breath. “I’m not . . .” I shook my head back and forth. “I don’t think I can do this, Dean.”
“You’re the one who started this.”
“I know.”
“Is it because of what’s going on with Remi? If you need time . . .”
I struggled to keep myself in place while my entire body told me to leave. To run. Nothing good could come out of this.
But he deserved an explanation. Throughout my life, I’d taught myself to communicate, even if it did me no good. Too many people didn’t do that, and I hated to let things hang in the balance.
“I’m a disaster,” I explained quietly. His thumb brushed along my jaw, and I found myself leaning into it. “You’re already not sure about this. The uncertainty . . . I just can’t do it.”
“Okay.”
Grabbing his wrist, I held his hand in place where it had found my jaw, too afraid he’d be the one to walk away. “I’m waiting for the door to slam.”
His brow furrowed. “I thought you were shutting it.”
“Yeah . . . It’s better than giving you the chance to do it.”
“Oli, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“Doesn’t it, though?”
Despite all the time I’d spent moving on from the past, I peeked inside that closet of old dusty things. If anyone deserved a glimpse, it was Dean. He was asking when nobody else had bothered.
“Every time I thought someone might keep me, they didn’t,” I said. “If I don’t close the door, I might get used to it being open. I might believe that you’ll stay. At least if it’s my choice, then it doesn’t feel like the same damn story all over again.”
“But you’re not sitting around waiting for someone to save you anymore. You stopped doing that when you were sixteen, remember? Then you left Remi’s place so you could learn to do things on your own, without being reliant on anyone else.”
He paused, his lips parting. When he met my eyes again, I fought the urge to look away.
“It was more than that,” he realized.
“I needed to do things on my own.”
“No, that’s not why you left.”
“It is—”
“You couldn’t even believe that Remi would want you around?” he interrupted. “That he wouldn’t throw you away? You left because you didn’t want to wait for him to do it.”
“It doesn’t have to be logical,” I muttered.
“This isn’t like that damn show. You’re not just an unwilling bystander, victim to whatever the world throws at you, with no idea what the future could hold.”
“That’s . . .” I laughed, shaking my head. “You don’t know why that’s funny yet. I want to spoil it for you, but then it wouldn’t hit the same.”
“We can watch a few episodes when we get home.”
“Remi’s on the couch.”
“We can use my laptop.”
The idea of lying in his bed watching anime was . . . Well, it was better than any daydream I could ever have.
“Oli, listen to me.” He tightened his grip on my face. “I’ll admit that I don’t know whether this thing I’m feeling is just some weird curiosity or a mental breakdown or something.”
“Gee, man. That’s encouraging.”
“It’s the truth, though. This might work, or it might not. That’s just life. But even if we try this and it doesn’t feel right, I’m not just gonna walk away like you’re nothing, okay? I may not know much right now, but I know you’re worth more than that.”
My nostrils flared, but he wouldn’t let me turn my head.
“Do you . . . want me to try again?” he asked softly.
He leaned closer, and my lips parted as I breathed him in. “Do you want to?”
“What’d you tell me about straightforward answers?”
My reply came automatically. No thought required. “Yes. A million times yes.”
He hesitated for a moment, making my heart slam against my chest. If he changed his mind now . . .
“Wait,” I said when he moved in. “I’m sweaty and disgusting.”
He smiled as his nose brushed mine. “You know you’re cute?”
I hadn’t come up with anything to say before his lips brushed mine.
His breath shuddered like he was nervous, so I closed the rest of the distance.
When my lips were firmly against his, his grip on my jaw tightened, but this time I wasn’t afraid of it.
It felt like he was using that touch to ground us both, locking us into this moment where everything was changing.
His lips were significantly softer than I’d expected, even with how hard he kissed me. Bringing my hand up to his face, I felt the roughness of his cheeks against my fingers. Turning my head, I trailed my mouth over the stubble, taking in the new feeling.
I wanted to reach every part of him with my lips, to claim him bit by bit so that he’d never be able to look at himself without thinking about how I’d touched him.
I wanted to leave my mark all over his body, from head to toe.
Hell, I wanted him to do the same to me.
Using his grip on my jaw, he tilted my head so he could kiss me again. Heat spread across my entire body, intensified by the way he completely devoured me, over and over again. His tongue brushed mine, and that was when I completely lost it.
I grabbed him by the back of the neck and yanked him closer so hard that his teeth slammed into mine. My legs locked around his hips, and using both hands, I held him to me and deepened the kiss. It was desperate, like some damn beast had taken over my body.
“Oli,” he breathed.
I tightened my grip when he tried to pull away. “Don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Letting out a breath, I tipped my head back to look at the ceiling. “So, what do you think? About this,” I added when he gave me a questioning look. “Was it fine? Not what you thought it’d be? Do you need another minute to figure it out?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.”
“It’s just that you said you wanted to try it. We tried. We came, we saw, we conquered. Not really conquered. Not yet. Or ever. I mean . . .” I rubbed the back of my neck, wrinkling my nose as I ran through my words again in my head.
“It was nice.”
“Nice is good. Although, considering you were very recently not gay, I’m not feeling super confident about how you’ll feel tomorrow.”
“Do you have an ounce of self-esteem?”
I held my thumb and forefinger close together in answer, which made him chuckle.
“To answer your little rambling fit, I’m not gay. Or I wasn’t. Or I didn’t think I was. I guess . . . Well, I guess I don’t really mind if I am.”
“That seems a little too simple.”
He shrugged. “What am I going to do? Fight it? I tried ignoring you and it sucked.”
His easygoing attitude was both refreshing and confusing. It didn’t seem like it should be that simple for him, but then again, when I realized I was attracted to guys, I wasn’t bothered by it. Maybe our mindsets were more similar than I’d thought.
A hundred worries tried to surface, reminding me of all the reasons he could find to leave.
Having a whimsical, somewhat irresponsible friend was one thing.
Shifting into something romantic was a whole different beast. Quirks could turn into irritants.
Little eccentricities Dean once smiled at might become the very reasons he walked away.
“Well, we should finish up,” he said. “I’m exhausted.”
With a smile, I nodded. “Same.”
He took a few steps, but then he turned around again. “One more thing.”
Without warning, he marched right up to me and sunk his fingers into my hair. His mouth came down on mine gently, and his lips moved at a sickeningly sweet pace like he had all the time in the world. Inching away from my mouth, he teased me with feather-light kisses.
“I’ve got a crush on you, Oli.”
“Oh my God. Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure, unfortunately.”
“That’s freaking insane.”
“Just like you.”
Apparently, that was all that needed to be said. He left me there, and it took me until I heard the sprayer turn on in the back to get moving again. I wanted this bar cleaned up and in my rearview mirror. There was a bed waiting for me back home, and it was calling my name.