Chapter 30
Oliver
Despite how amazing our kiss was—to me, at least—it hadn’t happened again. Not yet.
Dean was a one-track mind sort of guy. The entire time he cleaned, he was completely locked in, and I just didn’t want to be that person who broke through it.
After finishing up, I thought about jumping his bones, but I kept myself contained, even as something buzzed under my skin, threatening to break free.
Since I was also worried about overwhelming him, I kept things polite.
He smiled, so I smiled. He asked if I was ready, and I gave him an awkward double-thumbs up.
It was going great.
We stopped at the front door, and I watched Dean start to unlock it. I rose on my toes, then lowered myself slowly, over and over again while I waited.
With his hand on the knob, he turned to me. “You okay?”
“Never been better,” I replied a little too quickly.
He frowned but continued to push the door open.
Grimacing, he walked as quietly as he could toward the bedroom.
It was a good effort, but I could tell that Remi was awake by the way he was lying on his side, probably so that he could see what was going on.
It was unlikely he’d get a wink of sleep without that gun of his.
“Can you give me a minute?” I murmured.
Dean looked curious, but he just dipped his head before he went into the room, closing the door behind him. Turning around, I met Remi’s eyes. He lifted a brow, and it drew attention to the darkening bruises.
I walked over to him calmly, keeping my expression soft. He scooted back to give me room, and I laid in front of him.
“Your bar looks good as new,” I told him.
“You’re a saint, Oliver Bennett.” Reaching out, he patted my cheek. “Never change.”
“I thought it was good to change.”
“Not you. You’re already perfect.”
I shook my head. “I don’t like when you say that.”
“Tell me what’s eating at you, then. If Odin will grant me a splash of wisdom, maybe I can help you figure it out.”
“We kissed.”
He blinked a couple of times, then breathed a laugh through his nose. “You’re freaked out.”
“Yes and no. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but now there are all these things in my head that I can’t unravel. I just don’t have experience here, and I don’t want to—”
When I stopped abruptly, he nodded, even as his lips pulled to the side. “You don’t want to be like me.”
“I don’t want to make the same mistakes, that’s all. But now that I’m here, I’m starting to understand that . . . desperation you have.”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “You’ve been guarding your heart for a long time, Oli. Are you surprised this isn’t as simple as you imagined?”
“No, but I’m not prepared, so I’m asking you for help before I screw it up.”
“You never listen to anything I say, but I know what it’s like to lose your soul, so hear me on this. A man who shifts like sand is shaped by every foot that walks on him. But a man who shapes himself is stone.”
I wanted to scold him for speaking in riddles, but instead, I took a moment to think about it.
“How do I know if I’m changing because I need to, or if it’s for the sake of someone else?”
“It’s like everything in life. You have to know yourself.”
“I’m just a mashup of anyone I’ve ever identified with.”
“No, you aren’t,” he laughed. “Look, I had Dean pegged for the straightest of straights. If he’s into you—and willing to be open about it, not hiding you—it means he sees something in you. Run with it.”
“But what about being a stone?”
“A tree that never bends will break. A tree that bends too far will uproot. So, ask yourself, Oli: are you bending or bowing?”
“You know you’re a monster, right?”
“The best of men are.”
Leaning forward, I planted a kiss on his forehead. “I love you, Rem.”
“Love you too, Oli.”
As I got up, I gave him a once-over. “There are matches in the kitchen. Give a little offering to your god if you don’t mind. We could all use it, I think.”
A smile stretched across his face as he tipped his head back. “I’ll send it off to Freyja. Whether she responds with love or war isn’t on me.”
“Put in a good word, at least.”
“Will do, kiddo.”
Without another word, I hurried toward the bedroom. I slipped in as smoothly as possible, expecting to find Dean in bed. My brow furrowed, and I turned the other way.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He was crouched beside the dresser, which he’d pulled away from the wall a little. I watched his fingers brush over the writing there, and it made me more confused.
“They were fifty-two inches the last time they were measured,” he said.
I came up beside him and lowered to my knees. “Is this what you think about at four in the morning?”
“No, I wanted to know what goes through your mind, so I went looking.”
“You know I was just outside that door, right?”
He gave me an exasperated look. “What do you think about when you see this?”
I studied the markings, faded from all the years that had passed.
“It makes me wonder why nobody painted over it,” I replied.
“That’s it?”
“I don’t know.”
Taking me by the jaw, he turned my face toward him. “I don’t like this version of you.”
Like a stone, I stayed in place, forcing myself not to pull away. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.”
“You aren’t being genuine. In the little time I’ve known you, I’ve never really seen you hide behind anything. I don’t want you to feel awkward or walk on eggshells with me.”
“And if I speak freely and it makes you uncomfortable, then what?”
“Then we talk about it. You love doing that.”
I tried to duck my chin, but he held it in place. Instead of shuttering all of the uncertainties I didn’t know how to name, I traced the shell of his ear with my fingers, hoping he would somehow understand through my touch if words weren’t enough.
“I wonder what they were doing here,” I said softly, glancing at the wall.
“Was it a mother alone with her child, stuck in this one-bedroom apartment with no support? Did they look out the window and dream of a better life? More importantly, did they find it? I wonder if they ever think about this memory they left behind, or if it only exists here now, isolated from everything they might have become.”
“Why does it have to be so bleak?”
“It’s not bleak. I think it’s beautiful that we leave behind all these imprints that touch souls we’ll probably never meet. It’s like we’re all connected by these invisible threads. And . . .” I dropped my gaze, feeling my chest constrict in a way I didn’t often allow it to.
“Tell me.”
“I wonder if I’ve ever touched a thread they left behind.”
“We’re not talking about this kid anymore, are we?”
I shook my head. The way he kept his grip on me, holding me tighter, not pushing me away, made my eyes burn.
“And I wonder,” I went on, “if either of them ever thought about me. If I left a mark at any point in my life, I want it to be there. But that feels selfish.”
“It’s not selfish to think about your parents, Oli.”
“I just hope . . . I hope that their lives were better for giving me up. Maybe . . .” I wrung my hands together, and he grabbed one of them, squeezing it hard. “Maybe they were too young. Or they died, but something inside of me says they’re out there.”
“Do you want to find them?”
“No,” I said immediately. “It isn’t about that.
Remi believes blood has memory, which is why I did one of those DNA tests that told me where most of my ancestors came from.
It was interesting, but it didn’t make me feel anything.
Then I look at this wall and understand that everything has memory.
We’re all stardust, and if memory survives death, maybe we’ll always return to find the people we chose in life rather than the bloodlines we came from.
“The thing is, you don’t get to choose your family,” I continued. “But I get to choose everybody in my life. And if I’m lucky, they’ll choose me too.”
“Your soul is so damn beautiful, Oli.”
Meeting his eyes, I offered him a smile. “You think so?”
“It’s obvious to anyone who looks. That’s probably why I ended up here, thinking about kissing you, as if that’s totally normal.”
“You shouldn’t have looked.”
“Can’t do shit about it now,” he murmured, leaning closer.
His lips pressed to mine, and though it was tentative, it soothed the uncertainty that had been raging through me. There was no urgency this time, and my heart didn’t even race like before. I just felt . . . safe. Secure. Like I belonged right here, right now, with Dean.
“Can we watch Attack on Titan now?” I asked against his mouth.
He dropped his face against my neck and laughed. “You piss me off.”
“Well, what’s new?”
Taking my hand, he pulled me to my feet. I kicked off my shoes and leapt onto the bed, then rolled to my back. As he approached, I found myself imagining things that were far too advanced for tonight.
Well, maybe I could have one thing.
He’d barely set his knee on the mattress when I wrapped my arms around his neck and yanked him on top of me.
My tongue made a path across his skin, tasting his sweat and everything that made up this absolute god of a man.
When I started to suck on the side of his neck, he gasped, and his hips ground against me.
I arched up, wanting to feel exactly what I was capable of doing to him while I marked him for the first time.
He groaned, and when he thrust against me, his dick brushed mine. I bit down on the same spot on his neck, drawing out another sound that I’d never heard a man make.
Softly, I kissed the place I’d left a mark. “This makes you mine, okay?”
Gripping my hips, he turned onto his back and arched up to kiss me. “You claiming me now? Just like that?”
“Until it disappears, and then you can decide if you want to renew.”
A loud laugh escaped him. “Did you just turn yourself into a subscription model?” He trailed his fingers beneath my shirt and traced every inch of my abdomen in a way that felt reverent. “Is there an annual plan?”
The idea of that was exhilarating. A whole year? God, if I could be so lucky.
As I continued to kiss him, I didn’t realize I was grinding in his lap until his fingers dug into my sides, slowing my movements.
“Wait, Oli, I—” He dropped his head onto the pillow with a curse, his eyes going wide. His hips jolted and his entire body went tense beneath me.
I froze, trying to figure out if this was actually happening.
He drew in a shaky breath,. “Christ, Oli.”
“Oh my God,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
Suddenly, he sat up and gripped my jaw. His lips brushed mine, but he didn’t kiss me.
“Don’t,” he murmured. “I’m just—”
“Surprised? Mad? Disgusted?”
Moving two fingers over my mouth, he shook his head. “I’m embarrassed, dumbass.”
“Embarrassed? Why?”
“Because I . . .” With a grimace, he looked down at his lap.
“Are you kidding? This would be the proudest moment of my life, except I feel like I took advantage of you or something. Are you sure you’re not upset?”
“No, you maniac,” he replied slowly, his voice deliciously gritty. “I’m not upset that you made me cum in my fucking pants.”
I blew out a relieved breath. “Oh, good.”
“Maybe we should dial it back for the night, though. Not because of you,” he added quickly.
I nuzzled my nose against his cheek to hide my smile. “I know. I may be a bit of a mess, but I don’t need you to coddle me.”
“Hmm. I’m not so sure about that.”
Scoffing, I moved to sit on the bed. He got up and grabbed his laptop from the nightstand. After dropping it next to me, he headed into the bathroom. I chewed on my lip as I loaded up the show, unable to stop thinking about why he was in that bathroom.
I glanced at the living room door, then shook my head. As much as I wanted to, this wasn’t something I needed to tell Remi. He’d definitely mention it to Dean, and that wouldn’t end well.
I’d wait at least a week. He was my best friend, and I didn’t hide anything from him. That wasn’t going to change, no matter what else shifted in my life. It was one of those stone things, immutable and eternal.