Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Jocelyn
I watch my dad laugh with his sister. We’re at the beach for the day.
My grandmother is sitting in a beach chair talking to Val.
And my cousins are snorkeling. I'm sitting here under an umbrella, furiously rewriting my paper for the fifth time. I’m nearly done.
Every twist and turn over the past two months has led me to this final draft.
Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be vacationing with my father. Mom has even spoken to him a few times. It’s cordial, at least, which is nice. I think they are both in such different places now, their past seems like a hundred years ago.
I can’t say it’s all water under the bridge. At Roxy’s insistence, I did talk to a therapist this week. It was better than I thought it would be.
One thing that’s been truly shocking is how fast my grandmother and aunt accepted Dad back into their lives. One video chat and we were booking flights here for the week. All of these trips make me thankful that I only have class three days a week.
I have already finished a short story final project for another class, and my third class has an essay test I’ll take in a few more weeks. It’s this final memoir that’s been my albatross all semester. But it seems easy now. The words are flowing in ways they never have before.
“You almost done over there?” Val asks.
“Yep. Just wrapping this chapter up,” I state as I stay focused on my screen.
This chapter has been hard to write. It touches on my love life, on Hutchinson Cromwell. It’s difficult because I don’t know how it ends. Will we ever be in a place where we can be healing from our pasts while moving forward together? I don’t know. I want us to be there.
My grandmother gets up and comes to sit in the chair next to me beneath the umbrella.
“What is troubling you?” she asks, her voice hoarse with age. Being here has been a reminder of how much I’ve missed out on my family in my life.
I shut the lid of my laptop, sliding it into my bag, wanting to be present with her. “I’m trying to finish my memoir, but I’m stuck.”
“What part of your life is so hard to write? Is it us?” she asks, motioning around us as if she just read my mind.
“Yes, but no. This is hard still,” I say as I motion around us. “But I think we’re all getting there.” I pause.
“I…it’s about Hutch.” I stumble over my words, feeling a little silly that I’m stuck on my words because of a man and not my family.
She smiles. “He’s a nice young man. Are you not together anymore?”
I frown because we weren’t together when she met him. Heck, the first time she met him, we hadn’t done anything but kiss.
“We…are taking a break,” I try to explain.
“He loves you,” she says as if this is common knowledge.
“Oh, I…don’t know about that,” I say.
She shakes her finger at me. “I know love when I see it. He loves you. Do you know how hard it is to find true love? You should grab it by the horns and never let it go. Even when it’s tough, you must pull it even closer.”
I frown at her words. “Shouldn’t we be…more settled in our lives before we start a relationship? I mean, we both have lots going on.” I wave to our family, pointing at my dad.
“Yes, but that’s life. There will always be obstacles. If you wait for a time with no challenges, you’ll be waiting forever. It’s easier to navigate them together,” she says with a wisdom that only comes from living a long life.
I let her words resonate with me. “It’s easier to navigate them together.
” I think of all the conversations Hutch and I have had.
I think of how he comforted me. She’s right.
Oh God! I messed this all up. I’ve pushed him away when we should have been leaning on each other for support.
And to make it even worse, he needed me.
I stand and grab my bag. “I need to go,” I say to my family.
We have two days left on this trip, but I don’t want to wait two days.
I need to leave now. Hutch needs me now.
And while things are better between my dad and me, there’s a long way to go on this new road we’ve started down.
I could use Hutch’s support. Hutch and I need one another.
We’re a team. We’ve always been a team. Damn, and he’s the best teammate.
Maybe it’s because he played football, or maybe it’s because he grew up on his family’s farm.
I really don’t know. It could just be innately who he is.
However he became that person; it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that he is that person; he’s my person.
“You want to head back early?” Dad asks, frowning in confusion.
Shaking my head, I walk over to him. “No, I need to go home. I’ve screwed things up, Dad. I…need to talk to Hutch. I pushed him away so we could sort ourselves out, and I messed up. We should be together, not apart,” I try to explain.
He places his hands on my shoulders and stares into my eyes. “Joc, please tell me you didn’t push this man away because of me.”
I feel tears threaten. I can’t speak because if I did, it’d be a lie. I’d tell him no, when really the answer is yes.
“Damn. I’m so sorry,” he says, his hands dropping in defeat. “I messed up. I…wow, I was a selfish bastard, wasn’t I?”
I nod and shrug. He gives a sad laugh and puts a finger under my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “Sorry doesn’t quite cut it, but for what it’s worth, I am very sorry.”
“I know,” I say quietly. “We’ll work on that, but for now, I need to do this for me.” We’ve already discussed having some therapy sessions together and I think this topic will be where we need to start.
“Yes, you do. Don’t let my fuckup be the reason you give up on love.
You deserve the best, and from how you, Val, and Mom describe Hutch, he seems like the best. I look forward to meeting him someday,” Dad says.
He points toward the car. “Take the car back to the house and get changed. I’ll meet you there and drive you to the airport. ”
“I’ll pack everyone up,” my aunt says as she starts putting beach towels in bags.
“Are you sure?” I ask my dad.
“I haven’t been this sure in a long time,” he replies as he tweaks the end of my nose like he did when I was a kid. I hug him spontaneously for the second time in a week.
“I don’t deserve all these hugs, but I’ll gladly take them,” he whispers. I give him a watery laugh as I pull away and wipe a tear from my cheek.
“You don’t, but maybe I need a lifetime of hugs. All the ones I’ve missed,” I say. He nods and motions for me to take one of the two cars we drove today.
“I’m coming. I’ll help you pack,” Val says. And just like that, my sister and I race to our grandmother’s home to pack my suitcase.
Now, I need to figure out how I’m going to tell Hutch I was wrong, very, very wrong.
* * *
The familiar bell jingles as I walk into the bookstore. Clare and Roxy are standing over a pile of books, discussing placement on a table. Roxy turns, and her eyes widen.
“You’re back early,” she says, her brows furrowing.
“Oh, no, did the trip go horribly bad?” Clare asks.
I shake my head. “No. The trip was fine, better than fine. It was great. I feel like Dad and I are officially starting over. We have a lot to get through, and it’ll take time, but I truly believe he’s committed to fixing things between us.
He’s even taken the blame for everything, which I never expected from him.
We’re both in therapy, and I think we talked Val into going too.
We might try to do a family session soon,” I explain in a rush. “But that’s not why I’m back here.”
“You missed me?” Drew says as he stands up from a chair. I hadn’t even noticed him.
“Drew?” I ask.
He walks over and hugs me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask as I pull back to look at him.
“Visiting,” he replies as he looks me over. “What are you doing back so soon?”
I swallow hard and take a deep breath. “I fucked up. I pushed Hutch away when we needed each other the most. I’m the world’s worst girlfriend.
I don’t deserve that cinnamon roll man, but damn it, I want him.
I need help. I need a grand gesture or something.
I need to show him I won’t leave him, that he can trust me. ”
The three of them look at each other.
“What?” I ask.
“Oh, nothing. We’re…just glad to hear it,” Roxy says. “We were all rooting for you two.”
“Oh,” I reply as I give her a suspicious look. “Any ideas?” I add.
“Girl, you just walked into the mecca of romance stories. Of course, we all have ideas. You should have some, too,” Drew says with a pointed look.
I lick my lips and look around at the books on the shelf.
He’s right. This store is brimming with grand gesture ideas.
“I’m going to need all the books where the female lead character makes the grand gesture,” I direct.
The three of them scatter around the store.
I head straight to the football romance section.
I need inspiration, and I need it right the fuck now.