Chapter Nineteen
Mac
Iwake up out of a dead sleep covered in sweat.
My body shivers uncontrollably and aches like I have the flu.
Shit, did I get sick from being out in the cold last night?
My stomach churns, and my mouth starts to water excessively.
Fuck. Hopping out of bed, I trip over something on the floor.
Declan’s groan of pain solves that mystery quickly.
Scrambling to the bathroom, I get the toilet open just in time to empty the contents of my stomach.
I hear Dec walk in behind me, but I’m too busy violently heaving to say anything to him or focus on what he’s saying to me. He sits on the lip of the bathtub behind me and rubs my back until I stop. My head lays on my arms as I groan.
“I think I’m sick. Fuck, I hope I didn’t give it to Lee yesterday.” My head turns so I can look back at Dec. “I left my phone in Rowan’s car by mistake. Can I call her and make sure she’s okay?”
“She’s fine. I just talked to her brother a few hours ago. You aren’t sick, Mac. It’s withdrawal.”
Fuck, I almost forgot I was doing that shit. Can I tap out now?
“Dec, I’m fine. I swear I’ll cut back. I’ll cut back majorly. Just give me a fucking shot, a beer, something.” Before he can respond my head is back in the toilet. “Declan…please…” I choke out between heaves.
It’s no use. I know he dumped out anything with alcohol in it. Fuck, I watched him do it. I don’t know how long I lay here with my head in the toilet, but eventually my eyes drift shut and my body starts to tremble. Shit, I’m cold.
When I wake back up, I’m laying in bed with an IV coming out of my arm.
I try to move to take it out when I notice my arms are secured to my sides.
Panic soars through my veins, and my heart rate picks up.
My eyes scan the room, looking for a way out of here.
I have to get my fucking arms untied. I can feel my forehead dripping sweat.
Then I remember Declan’s supposed to be here.
“DECLAN!” I yell as loud as I can.
He comes running into the room with a toothbrush half hanging out of his mouth. “What? What’s wrong?” He takes in the room and me in the bed before exhaling what seems like a sigh of relief.
“Declan, untie me. I’m not fucking around.” My voice sounds high even to my own ears.
“Shh. It’s okay. We’re going to keep these on you for just a couple of hours to make sure you don’t start seizing again.”
“What are you talking about? Declan, I’m seriously panicking. I don’t feel good, and now I can’t move my arms.”
Without answering me, Declan pulls his phone out of the pocket of his gym shorts, presses some buttons, then holds the phone up to his ear.
“Hey, how’s she doing today?”
The heat and anger from being tied down turn to ice as I realize he’s called about Lee. My gorgeous, perfect Lee. I instantly don’t give a fuck about anything but an answer to the question Declan just asked.
“That’s good. Listen, I think he’s up for real this time.
He’s panicking. Can she talk?” He waits a second before putting the call on speaker and laying it by my head.
He presses his lips to my forehead before wiping it.
“You talk to her, and stay calm. I’m going to finish brushing my teeth and getting dressed.
I can hear you, though. Holler if you need me.
” I nod to him before he strides out of the room just as her sweet voice fills my ears and instantly starts relaxing my body.
“Mac? Is that you, Handsome?” She sounds good, way better than when I talked to her yesterday.
“Lelonie.” I rush out on an exhale. “How are you feeling? Are you resting?”
“I feel really good today. I miss you, but today’s a good day. It’s been different without you the past week, but I’m so glad you’re getting better.”
What is she talking about? I saw her last night. “Baby, are you sure you’re feeling okay? I just saw you last night. Remember? I held you while you slept once Jakob got there.”
“Mac, that was a week ago.”
“No, no, that can’t be right. I was just with you, my brothers brought me here. I got sick, then fell asleep. That was just last night.” I begin feeling suffocated. Like My limbs are tied to cinder blocks and dragging me under water. My lungs burn with the lack of oxygen.
Lelonie’s soothing voice cuts through the whooshing in my ears, “It’s okay, baby.
Shh. Take deep steady breaths. You’re okay.
You were having seizures, and you’ve been out of it for a few days.
It’s okay. Declan thinks you’re past the worst of it.
” My eyes burn with tears, and all I’m able to do is lie here and let them run down my temples as I try to take in shaky breaths.
Declan comes running into the room, and it isn’t until he grabs my hand and wipes my eyes that I realize the whimpering noise I was hearing was coming from me.
“I don’t like being tied up. I want to be let go.” My voice comes out calm, almost deadly.
“Tell Lee you’ll talk to her later, Mac. You don’t want to stress her out right now.” Anger surges through my veins.
“Stress her out? What about me? Huh, Declan? I’m the one strapped to this motherfucking bed.” I roar. My anger taking over all of my senses. He says something to Lee that I don’t catch because I don’t fucking care right now. Once he hangs up, he brings his narrowed eyes to me.
“Good job, jackass. Now she’s upset, and even more worried about you.
You aren’t talking to her until you get your ass completely dried out and into fucking therapy and meetings.
I’m disappointed in you.” He shakes his head and walks out of the room.
I yell at his back about how much I hate him.
I fucking hate them all. My brothers, my sisters-in-law, Lee.
Every single one of them who won’t unstrap me from this goddamn bed can burn in hell for all I care.
* * *
I feel like a fucking woman on her period.
My emotions are all over the place. I can’t sleep, everything aches, and I need a drink.
When I say need, I genuinely mean need in a survival type of way.
I feel like I’m going to fucking die. My heart rate is through the roof.
Dec and the doc finally untied me after deciding I probably wasn’t going to seize anymore, but it doesn’t matter.
I don’t have the energy to do shit. I barely have the energy to move my head to the puke bucket every few hours.
Declan’s making me eat and drink water, but it never stays down.
I’ve never been so thirsty in my entire life.
I’m chugging water just to have a few seconds of relief before it comes back up.
I do this over and over. We’ve lined the bed with towels, and got me just in my boxers because I’m sweating so fucking much.
I feel like electricity is pulsing throughout my body.
My brain feels like it’s constantly glitching out, then restarting.
I want to sleep this off so badly, but instead I’m lying here staring at the ceiling trying to calm my anxiety.
So. Much. Fucking. Anxiety.
I’m half convinced that I’m going to die here.
I’m so fucking pissed that I let it get this bad.
What a fucking asshole. If I just wouldn’t have picked the shit up almost nine years ago, I wouldn’t be here right now.
The desire to go back to fourteen year old me and shake him is almost too much to handle.
Declan is leaning against the side of my bed.
Besides showering and cooking, he doesn’t leave my side.
It doesn’t matter how mean I am to him, and make no mistake, I’ve been a dick.
I want to deck him for not letting me have at the very least a shot of something, but I don’t even have the energy to even do that.
This shit is never going to end. Just as I start to attempt what I’m positive is another failed attempt at sleep, I hear something. I try my hardest to focus on the voice as it becomes more clear.
“Quill, my sweet baby.” Is that? No, it can’t be, but it is.
“Ma?” I ask quietly.
My Ma walks into the room with my Da in tow.
“What are you doing, Quill?” My Ma asks in confusion.
“I’m so sorry. I’m in over my head. Please. Help me.” My parents look at me in pity and disappointment.
“Mac. Hey, buddy. Who are you talking to?” Declan puts his face directly in my line of sight.
“I’m talking to Ma and Da. Look. They’re right there. Pointing over to our parents Dec follows my finger, then turns back to me.
“Oh yeah, what are they saying?”
“I don’t know. What did you guys come back for?” I turn my attention back to my parents.
“Don’t sleep, my boy.” My Da says in a stern voice.
“If you do, you’ll surely die.” My Ma answers right behind them.
Panic consumes my body. “Dec. Dec, did you hear that? I’m going to die. I can’t sleep. I’m going to die. I can’t. I don’t want to do that to Rhett and the new baby.” My wide eyes come to him. “Please Declan, please don’t let me die.”
My parents turn and walk out the door as I cry out for them to come back. The next thing I know, Declan is moving into bed with me. He sits up, leaning against the headboard so my head is leaning into his shorts-covered leg. His hand comes down to gently stroke my soaked hair.
“Shh. It’s okay, Mac. You aren’t going to die. I promise. I won’t let you.”
Typically this would be way too close for my brothers and me to get as grown ass men, but right now I don’t fucking care. I want my parents, I want Lee, and I don’t want to die. I let him run his fingers through my long, sweaty hair. It’s too fucking much. I’m cutting it off tomorrow.
* * *
I haven’t slept a wink in going on three days.
I begged Declan at one point to knock me out, either by medication or by hitting me.
He refused to do either. So many people have been in and out of this room since the other night.
Men I’ve killed, my parents, Lee, my brothers, hell, even my sister-in-laws came in to remind me how much they fucking hate me.
Every time someone would show up, Declan would stay with me until they left.
He’d promise me the heinous shit they said wasn’t true and run his hands through my hair until I mostly calmed down.
My paranoia is at an all-time high, and my head is killing me.
Honestly, maybe I would rather die. At least then all this shit would stop.
Declan climbed out of bed about five minutes ago.
He only leaves me to go to the bathroom or grab food and water.
He walks back into the room now with a tumbler of water and some toast. Just the smell makes my stomach churn, and I shake my head.
“Come on, Mac, you can either take small sips or we can tie you down and put the IV back in. It’s your choice.
But at this point you’re so dehydrated if you don’t drink this you will die.
And I don’t mean you’ll fall asleep and die.
I mean you will die a slow and painful death as your organs slowly stop working. It will be excruciating and horrible.”
“I’ll try the water if you just shut the hell up. My head feels like someone’s stabbing me.” I groan.
He smiles in victory, “Deal.”
He brings the straw to my mouth because I’m too fucking drained to even hold my head up.
Taking a few tentative sips, I push the straw out of my mouth with my tongue and wait.
I’m terrified to move from fear that I’ll throw up again.
After a couple of minutes of holding the water down, my excited eyes come to Declan’s.
“Chill. Just because you’re keeping that down doesn’t mean that you can chug this water.”
“Fine.” I’m pouting, I know I am, but I don’t care. This has been the worst week and a half of my fucking life.
“We’ll take small sips every five or so minutes and work ourselves back up, okay?”
I nod in response. My anger for everyone else has pretty much dissipated. Now I’m just pissed at myself. Dec didn’t have to put his life on pause for me. But he did without hesitation, because he’s an amazing brother. Just another reason why I admire him as much as I do.
“Thank you.” It’s simple, but I mean it with every ounce of my being.
“Of course, it’ll be okay. I promise.” He smiles gently before moving over to the desk against the wall in between the beds.
He pulls out his phone and begins working while I lay here and reflect back on my shitty ass decisions.
Finally, once the sun goes down, and I’ve kept down all the water and two pieces of toast I’ve had today, sleep finds me. Maybe now it’ll get better.