Chapter Twenty
Lee
It’s been a week since I’ve heard from Mac and two since I’ve seen him.
My heart aches with the knowledge that he’s out there struggling through the worst of this without me.
I know it isn’t my job to fix him; really, I get that.
At the same time I’m in love with this man, and he came to me and held me while I was sick.
He dropped it all to be there for me, but I couldn’t do the same for him.
The guilt eats me up as I wait for updates from my brothers or Declan himself.
Jakob’s phone buzzes, and I practically leap for it. He snatches it off the table, his brow furrowed at whatever name is on his screen. Swiping to answer, he cautiously brings the phone to his ear.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me. How is she?” Mac’s gravely voice slides over my body, lighting it up from the inside out. I lunge for the phone, but before I can grab it, Jake pushes me away by my face.
“I think the more pressing question is, how are you?” He asks skeptically.
The last time I spoke to Mac he was upset and panicking.
I couldn’t help him through the phone, and the man on the other end sounded nothing like him.
Not even the things he was saying, but his actual voice sounded like a whole other person.
“I’m good. I’m fourteen days sober. I see my new therapist virtually every day, and I’ll start my first meeting when I come home tomorrow.
I want to talk about Lee, though. How is she?
How’s she feeling? Has she been hurting?
Sad? Can I please send her something?” He sounds better than I’ve ever heard him before, and it’s then that I realize he was probably under the influence every time I’ve spoken to or interacted with him.
“Yeah, you can talk to her, but Byrne? I swear to God, if you upset her like the last time you guys talked, I’ll restrict these calls. Understood?”
“Understood.” He answers so quickly. Zero hesitation.
Jake hands me the phone before kissing the top of my head and walking into the kitchen to pretend he isn’t eavesdropping.
“Mac?”
“Beautiful. It’s so good to hear your voice.” He releases what sounds like all the air in his lungs.
“How have you been? How are you feeling? I’ve been so worried.”
“Hey, I’m fine. Calm down, baby. I feel a lot better today. I slept last night. I’ve just been worried about you. I’m so sorry I upset you last week. I’m sorry I added to your stress. How have you been?”
“I’m okay. When can I see you again?” I’m practically begging at this point. I’ve craved just laying with him and snuggling.
“We actually need to talk about that. We said we’d always tell each other the truth, remember?”
My heart drops to my butt and my breath catches. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“No, Beautiful. I’m not breaking up with you, but we do need to talk.”
I start to chew on my lip as I wait for him to explain what he means. Something makes me feel uneasy. I don’t think I’m going to like what he has to say.
“Lee, I’m far from fixed. I have virtually no sobriety under my belt. I thought I was going to die last week from the withdrawals.”
Cutting him off, I blurt out, “I think we should focus on our own health issues for a little while before we come together again.” It’s exactly what he was going to say, I know it with every fiber of my being. It would break me to hear him say it, even if I can acknowledge that it’s the truth.
When he responds, his voice isn’t much louder than a whisper, “You want to break up? I was just going to suggest maybe limiting us seeing each other to one weekend a month and just texting and calling. I want to be with you every single day from today until the rest of my life, Lelonie, but I can’t develop a codependent attachment to you while I’m trying to figure out how to stand on my own two feet. ”
Well, that’s a lot better than what I thought he was going to say. Honestly, I can’t really protest him putting healthy boundaries around our relationship. It makes sense.
“What does our relationship look like for that, and how long are you thinking?”
He sighs, and I can see him running his hand through his shaggy hair in my mind.
“I think it looks like two people who care a lot about each other slowing it down so we don’t hurt each other in the long run.
So I won’t hurt you in the long run. I’m not sure, I think just until I have my cravings under control.
But Beautiful? I still want to talk to you on the phone daily.
I want us to spend a weekend a month together.
Baby, at the end of this I want us to have a solid foundation for the rest of our lives. ”
“How can I say no to that? Let’s try it. But if it’s too hard, we have to be able to tell each other the truth.”
“The truth, Beautiful. Always.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “How are you seriously, Lee? When I left, you could barely get out of bed.”
“I really am okay. I’ve had some good days, some bad, but not many.
I’m having my dialysis done now, so I’ll sleep most of the evening, but I’m cuddled in on the couch.
Jakob and Dieter always make me a ‘nest’ when they’re here, and I don’t want to be in my room.
So I’m cocooned in so many blankets with books and my computer on the coffee table beside me.
” I can’t help the yawn that comes out. I really have been feeling well, but my sleep has been spotty at best, and talking to Mac is bringing a peace to my soul that’s been aching for him. “How have you really been?”
“I’m not going to lie, because that isn’t what we do.
It was rough. I had seizures, hallucinated, and I really thought I was going to die.
Every day is a little better than the last. I’m not ignorant to the fact that this is going to get a million times harder when we come home tomorrow and the real temptation and cravings intensify.
I’m just going to take it an hour at a time. ”
His outlook in general seems so different, and I can’t help the smile taking over my face. As he talks, his perspective on how he wants to handle things when he gets home makes more and more sense, “Yeah, that’s a good mindset to have, Handsome.” I snuggle back into the couch and shut my eyes.
“You getting sleepy?” His rough voice sends a wash of calm over me.
“Mmm.”
“Sleep, baby. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
I’m almost asleep when I feel the phone being gently pulled from my hand. I’m in that half awake half asleep state when I hear Jakob’s conversation.
“Hey.” A voice that doesn’t belong to Mac fills the space.
“Hey, how’s he doing? Really?”
“He seems a little better. Days three through ten made me worried he wouldn’t even make it through, but every day gets just a little better. He seems to understand the gravity of staying sober.”
“Dec, the first time almost never sticks…” Jakob’s voice lowers. I’m assuming so Mac doesn’t hear.
“Yeah, I know. This isn’t the first time we’ve attempted to get him to stop drinking, though.
It’s the fourth in a year and a half. The difference this time?
He came to us. He made this decision. He decided to go to therapy.
And he said he’s going to go to meetings.
He’s different. His attitude about the entire thing is different than it was even a week ago.
I think it’s sticking this time. But anyway, how is she?
Really.” Declan’s voice seems hard and annoyed, but there’s a hint of desperation under that.
I can’t even imagine what he had to deal with and witness the last two weeks.
“She’s okay. She acts braver than she is.” Rude. “She’s had these dreams. Not exactly nightmares, but she calls out for him. Every single night. She calls out for him when she actually does sleep. A lot of times she’s too restless. I think talking to him did the trick. She’s almost out now.”
“I don’t know when we’ll be by. He and his therapist think it’s best to set boundaries and parameters around his relationships so he doesn’t latch on and become codependent while finding himself and staying sober.”
“So he’s going to hurt her?” Jakob growls in frustration.
“No, buffoon. He’s making sure their foundation is solid before they go all in.
He’s serious about her. He’s going to marry her, so you better get used to him.
He just wants to make sure he isn’t dragging her into the shadows with him if this doesn’t stick.
You should be fucking thanking him for being so responsible about this. ”
“Yeah, I’ll thank him while my sister cries herself to sleep every night.”
I want to yell at him, but I’m too tired to. I’m not some brokenhearted teenager. I understand what Mac’s doing, and as badly as it sucks, I agree with him. Honestly, I commend him for taking this as seriously as he has.
“I’ll let Dieter know when he’s ready to come over. Probably best if you aren’t there when we come. The truce is over. Don’t take the past few days as ‘all is forgotten.’ I’m still coming for your neck, literally.”
“Wouldn’t expect anything less from you.” Jakob must have hung up the phone because the last thing I hear before I fall asleep is him murmuring, “Such a petty bastard.”
* * *
Today’s been a really good day. It could be placebo because I know Mac is back in the city, but regardless, I have energy and a huge smile on my face.
I worked today at Landauer for a change of scenery.
I’ve even made my way over to Dieter’s shop to hang out and visit.
We’re sitting in his office when his apprentice and work wife, Ethan, struts in.
“Hey boss, I need your—” His sentence is cut off as a goofy, lopsided grin mars his face.