Chapter Thirteen
Ben
Overstaying my welcome had never been something I’d minded, and I was pretty sure I hadn’t yet. I wasn’t leaving until I was kicked out.
Katty had given a tour of every inch of her bedroom, showing me each of her toys and dolls while explaining where they’d come from and who’d given them to her.
The kid could talk, and I loved it. I’d never met anyone I couldn’t strike up a conversation with, and seeing that facet in her was fascinating.
Finishing that exploration, I’d sat my happy ass down at the dinner table. Mazzy must have expected it since the pizza she’d made was more than enough for the three of us. Of course, there weren’t enough chairs, so she took the couch while Katty and I ate at their little table.
It was surreal, having dinner with my daughter I hadn’t known existed a few days ago. But it was right. More than right. The connection I’d felt the day before had only solidified.
After dinner, I helped Mazzy clean up then crammed myself on their small couch to watch a couple of Katty’s favorite shows. Well, “watch” was a stretch. Mostly, I listened to her explain the characters and everything she loved about them.
As soon as the credits of the second show rolled, Mazzy announced it was time to get ready for bed and climbed to her feet. Katty groaned as she slid off the couch and took her mom’s hand.
Mazzy put her other hand on top of our daughter’s head, twirling a curl around her finger. “We should say good night to Ben.”
Katty poked her bottom lip out. “What if he reads me a bedtime story? I bet he wants to.”
I lifted my eyes to Mazzy’s. “She’s right. I’d dig that a lot, if it’s okay with you.”
She rolled her lips over her teeth, her expression unreadable. Just as I was sure she was going to say no, she exhaled slowly and nodded. “Of course it’s okay.”
The band around my chest loosened, but it didn’t unravel. Not when the end was near. Not when, after the story, I’d be leaving, going back to my own empty house.
That had never been a problem for me. I spent plenty of time with family, friends, and my teammates, so having a few hours alone to unwind was always welcome. This was the first time my stomach was leaden with dread at the thought of going home alone.
While Katty took her bath, I talked myself down.
Told myself I’d get used to it. This was all new.
My instincts were to dive in headfirst, make up for all the time I had lost, stave off the grief over the years I’d missed barreling my way.
When I walked away tonight, just like last night, I’d be thinking about it.
What it would have been like to hold her on my chest like I’d done with my nephew.
The night feeds, diapers, first steps, first words… the right to be called Daddy.
It hurt, and it was going to for a while.
Maybe forever. And there was no one to direct that pain toward.
Roman, maybe, but I couldn’t really blame him.
If anyone needed to take the blame, it was me.
I should have been more responsible. I’d wanted to give Mazzy my number, but I’d let her go, telling myself the loss I’d felt when she’d walked away in the airport had been because of the good time we’d had and meant nothing more.
But it had.
“Ben?”
I jerked at the sound of Mazzy’s voice. She’d come out of the bathroom and was standing beside Katty’s door, her arms crossed, watching me. I wondered how long she’d been there…and if I’d looked as ripped apart as I felt.
“Is she ready?” I asked instead of all the other questions racing through my mind.
“She is.”
I followed her into Katty’s room, sitting on the chair she’d directed me to. Katty was in her bed, propped on a pile of fluffy pillows in unicorn pajamas, her hair wrapped up in a pink terrycloth turban.
“I like your hair thing,” I said.
She giggle-snorted. “It’s for my curls.”
I turned to Mazzy, perched on the end of the bed. “Do I need one of those?”
Her gaze danced over me. “I don’t know. Whatever you’re doing looks pretty good to me.”
I leaned down to whisper to Katty. “I’m gonna get one of those too. Do you think pink would look good on me?”
“Yep. But you might like purple too. Or maybe blue. Declan likes yellow.”
“Well, if Declan likes yellow, I’m definitely not getting that color.”
That earned another laugh. “You’re so funny, Benny.” Then she shoved her chosen book at me. “Read this, please.”
“As you wish, sweetheart.”
I read all three of the books she’d requested and would’ve kept going—if she hadn’t turned into a melted puddle on her mattress, her eyes drooping.
Looking at her made my chest hurt. In a good way this time.
She was so damn cute, all tiny in her bed.
Mazzy slipped her glasses off and laid them on her nightstand, and my heart nearly exploded.
“Good night, sleepyhead,” I choked out.
“Night night, Benny,” she replied, curling onto her side, covers tucked under her chin.
Mazzy kissed her head and shoved me out of the room, laughing under her breath as I dragged my feet. She closed the door, and I was tempted to yank it back open so I could take one last peek at her.
I wouldn’t—I wasn’t a total nutjob—but I really wanted to.
Mazzy tugged on the back of my shirt. “Don’t even think about it. If you wake her up, she’ll be a crank monster. You do not want to deal with that.”
I glanced back to the door, torn on whether I did want to deal with a cranky Katty, but decided to let her sleep. I already knew I didn’t want to deal with a cranky Mazzy.
“She’s so cute, Mazz.” I followed her a few feet away into the living area, shoving my fingers through my hair. “I can’t stop looking at her. The glasses…god, how do you get anything done? Are you just used to it or superhuman?”
She laughed softly, folding herself in the corner of the sofa. “I’m a little bit used to it—definitely not immune, though. That’s why I have to study after she goes to bed. I get wrapped up in her when she’s awake.”
I took a seat on the opposite side of the couch. It creaked under my weight, and I wondered if she’d object to me buying her a sturdier one. I intended to spend a lot of time here—as much as I could get away with—and this couch didn’t feel built for a man my size.
I’d probably broach that subject at a later date.
Tomorrow at the earliest.
“Am I getting in the way of your studying?”
“Well…” she plucked at her bottom lip with two fingers, thinking it over, “I do need to study, but it can wait a bit. We haven’t talked much. I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”
“So many.” I rubbed my hands on my shorts, unsure where to go first. The beginning, I guessed.
“Roman wants you to know how sorry he is. I…uh, almost killed him. Fortunately, our older brother, Nate, was there to stop me. But…yeah. Roman has a son—Jonah—and a daughter on the way, so he gets it—he understands what he took from me—from us. I’m still pissed at him, but I thought you should know how much he regrets what he did. ”
She sighed. “I should have tried harder. If I’d just said your name, mentioned the plane, anything, things would have been different. But we can’t change it. All we can do is forgive Roman and ourselves and move on.”
“Yeah. We will. I’m not there yet, but I’m not going to murder him.”
She huffed a laugh. “That’s good. Katty just got a dad. I’d hate for her to lose you to a life sentence.”
“Nah, no way I’d be convicted. The courts would understand.” I plucked at a loose string on my shorts. “How was your pregnancy?”
“Easy. I didn’t even know I was pregnant until four months along.
No symptoms at all except the missing period, but I chalked that up to stress.
When I did find out, I think I was in denial for a while.
Then, once I’d accepted it and decided to go through with it, it was very peaceful. Well…minus the visit to Denver…”
“Good. That’s good. I’m glad it was peaceful.” I couldn’t be there, hadn’t been able to support her and buy her chocolate or rub her feet, but at least she’d had peace. “And her birth? Was that all right?”
“As smooth as birth can be, I suppose. My dad was with me every step of the way. He was so calm and reassuring, I wasn’t afraid.” Her throat made a strangled sound that she swallowed back. “You should know, Kateryna had congenital cataracts. She had surgery on her eyes when she was a small baby.”
My heart dropped out of my body. “She had surgery?”
“Yes.” She tapped her glasses. “I passed on my shitty eyes. I had the same surgeries when I was a baby. It was…well, that wasn’t easy—the guilt of it being my fault she had to go through that.
She doesn’t remember, of course, but she’ll be wearing glasses for the rest of her life.
And now, now we’re dealing with strabismus—”
“Wait, slow down.” I scooted across the couch to the cushion beside hers and took her hand in mine. “First of all, she can see, right?”
“Yes, Ben. She can see with corrective lenses.”
“Okay.” I nodded a few times, my mind whirring. In all the daydreams I’d had of Katty and Mazzy’s life, surgery hadn’t been part of them. I was racing to catch up. “I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t there for you—and her—while you were going through that. Now explain strabismus to me.”
Her fingers curled in my hold, but she didn’t pull away. “The muscles in her eyes are weak, so they drift outward when she’s not paying attention. We’ve been patching for years to correct it. It’s helped, but not enough. She’s having another surgery in a couple months to fix it.”
“Will you send me the date? If it’s a game day, I need to let my coach know I won’t be there.”
Her head jerked like I’d startled her. “You don’t have to be there. It’s outpatient surgery. My aunt will come with us.”
“I’m going to be there.” I licked my lips and swayed closer. “I mean, if you’ll allow it, I’d really like to be there. Please.”
“Yes,” she breathed without hesitation. “Yes, it would be good for you to be there.”
“Right.” I forced myself to lean away from her when what I really wanted was to hug her. “Her glasses are cute as hell. With all the problems she’s had with her eyes, now I kinda feel bad for thinking that.”
A smile spread across her face as she let herself fall against the cushions. “They are cute, aren’t they? You should see the ones she wore as a baby.”
“Baby glasses? Mazz, come on.” I groaned. “You have to show them to me right now. I can’t take it.”
Laughing, she slid her hand from mine, twisted toward the side table, and grabbed her phone, pressing her screen a few times before passing it to me.
“I made you an album. I was going to send it to you, but you can look at it now if you want.”
“I want.”
I had to see it. Everything I’d missed. All the ways I’d messed up. I needed it embossed on my brain so I’d never forget.