Chapter 41
Chapter Forty-one
Ben
I scrolled through the list of homes the Warriors’ realtor had sent me.
Everything was beginning to look the same—white walls, gray floors, clean lines, big windows.
Nothing that looked like a life. Nothing that looked like mine.
Did I even care where I was going to be living if I was by myself?
A hovel would be fine. I could rot there. Perfect place to drown my sorrows.
Christ.
My phone lit with a text notification, and I was only slightly disappointed to see it was my group chat. Stupid to hope it was Mazzy. Stupid to hope at all.
Roman: Status check.
Adrian: Alive and disgruntled.
Roman: So, status quo. Nate? Ben?
Nate: My office is beside yours. Do I really have to respond?
Roman: I know your physical status. I’m looking for emotional and mental.
Nate: It’s too early in the morning to get into that.
Adrian: It’s after 11.
Nate: Too early.
Roman: Okay, Nate’s hopeless. Benny?
Me: Here. Looking at houses in NZ.
Adrian: Really?
Me: Yeah. Really.
Adrian: You’re going to go alone?
Roman: He’ll have the team. He won’t be alone.
Me: Do you expect me to pass up playing in New Zealand? I can’t do that.
Adrian: I just question the entire premise. If our dear mother hadn’t returned, would you be packing your bag to skedaddle out of town only months after reuniting with your long-lost daughter?
Me: I’d take her with me if I could. I want her there.
The icon for a video call flashed on the screen. With a sigh that scraped my throat raw, I accepted it. My brothers’ faces filled the screen, Adrian’s front and center.
He raised a brow. “You didn’t answer my question.”
Nate groaned. “Do I have to be part of this? I’m working.”
Adrian shrugged. “And I’m relaxing in my bed, but that isn’t preventing me from trying to stop Ben from making a dumbass decision.”
My chest tightened. “Tell me what you would do if you were me. Explain every step.”
Adrian shoved a lazy hand through his hair.
“One, I would never be in your situation because I’m responsible and always use a condom.
But, if you insist on impossible hypotheticals, I would acknowledge I’m old as hell and chasing a ball down under instead of being with the daughter whose life I’ve already missed far too much of is quite possibly the most self-destructive decision I could make.
Then, I would get down on my knees and beg for the love of my life’s forgiveness for even considering leaving her and our daughter.
” He stared into the camera, stone-faced. “But I’m not you. What do I know?”
Roman spoke up. “You’re reducing a complicated situation to the studs. It’s not so simple.”
Adrian blinked at him. “I just…really think it is. And trust me, I get wanting to avoid Louise like the plague. If I could move my carcass to the other side of the globe until she kicked the bucket, I would. Alas, I have responsibilities here I can’t run away from.”
My jaw clenched, even though I shouldn’t have been surprised.
This was so Adrian. He viewed the world in black and white, wrong and right, no in-between.
He’d also never been an athlete and couldn’t possibly understand what he was suggesting I give up.
Rugby had been my whole life for so long.
It was what saved me when I was miserable and lost.
“I’m not running away.”
He cocked his head. “Aren’t you?”
Nate cleared his throat. “Do what you need to do, Ben. If you feel going is the right choice, we’ll have your back. Mazzy and Katty won’t be alone. They’re part of the family now. Anything they need, we’ll be here for them.”
Kind. So damn kind. It scraped me open like claws. The implication was clear: You won’t be there, but we will.
Why did it feel like he’d poured acid on my chest until everything protecting my heart burned away?
“Agreed,” Roman said. “They’re ours now.”
They’re mine. Always.
“Right.” Adrian chuffed. “Don’t worry. We’ll take care of your girls while you’re off playing with those big balls. Of course, only one of them is your girl now, right?”
“Fuck off,” I rasped, my heart thumping raw and uneven. “This is my career you’re making light of. A big fucking part of my identity.”
“All right.” Adrian pushed up from the bed and wandered into his bathroom, his voice echoing off the tiles.
“This conversation isn’t going anywhere, and I have to take a piss.
If you decide to pull your head out of your ass and actually listen to yourself, give me a call.
I can’t keep going around in circles with you, Benny. ”
He left the call before I could respond.
Probably for the best. I didn’t know what the hell would’ve come out of my mouth.
Nate was next to go, claiming a meeting, leaving me with Roman.
If anyone would understand me, it was him. His career had been cut way too short, but he loved the game as much as I did.
“This is torture,” I said. “And Adrian’s an asshole. It’s not like I want to be without Kat. Mazz promised to bring her for visits. I’m not abandoning her…them. But how can I say no?”
Roman nodded, looking pained. “You have fair points, and playing for the Warriors is a dream. I’m not judging you for wanting to go.”
“I sense a ‘but’ coming.”
He twisted in his office chair, the view of Denver behind him becoming visible. “Well, as much as his delivery could use some work, Adrian asked a good question. Would you be leaving if the timing were different—if Mom hadn’t shown up when she did?”
“It’s the Warriors, Rome.”
“I know, and I get it.” He paused, rubbing his jaw.
“If you can’t answer the question right now, you need to think about it.
You also need to think about why you haven’t signed the contract yet.
If you’re doubting this being the right thing to do, you need to acknowledge that and ask yourself why you feel that way. ”
“What if I don’t want to?”
He huffed a laugh. “Trust me, I don’t want any of this either.
I’d rather be spending time worshiping my wife for giving me a gorgeous daughter than waste a minute thinking about our mom, but this is where we are.
It doesn’t matter what I want. She’s here, and I have to deal with it.
Same for you, Ben. There’s nowhere you can go far enough to avoid reality. ”
“That’s not what this is.” I let my head fall back on the cushion, staring up at the shadows dancing on the ceiling. “I want them to come with me.”
“It doesn’t seem like that’ll happen.”
The truth stung. Deep. I wasn’t even angry anymore. Just…empty. Disappointed. Despondent. How could I be angry at Mazzy for not wanting to give up her whole life for me?
“Would you go? If you were in my shoes, would you go?”
He hesitated, but only for a second. “No.”
“Yeah…” Roman had always been better than me. His answer was no wonder.
“Let me add this, Benny.” His voice softened, and I could almost see him putting on his protective brother cap.
“Back when I was injured and my career ended, I would have given up pretty much anything to play again. The game becomes the reason your heart beats, and the team’s your family.
The choice to let it go was out of my hands, and it really messed me up.
You’re lucky you’ve gotten to play almost a decade longer and will be able to write your ending.
Not everyone gets that. If you want to go out with bright lights and fanfare overseas, you can.
There’s another choice, though. A quieter one, for sure.
And I don’t think I have to explain what it is.
If you make it, though, there’s a good chance you'll have all the people you love with you when you close the book. So, I guess you have to decide how important that is to you. I can’t make that choice for you. ”
Throat burning, I screwed my eyes shut. “No matter what, I’m giving something up.”
“You are. That’s life. It’s not always fun.
Sometimes, it’s shit. Sometimes, Mom comes back and throws everything into disarray.
Sometimes, a dream is within grasp at the worst time ever.
Sometimes, you meet a woman you never expected, and she makes everything better in a way you never thought possible. ”
He was talking about Shira, but Mazzy’s face filled my mind instantly. Her pretty blue eyes behind her glasses. The way she forgave without hesitation. The way she understood me even when I didn’t understand myself.
When the call ended, I didn’t move for a long time.
If I left, Mazzy would keep her promise and give me time with Kat. I knew she would.
But Mazzy would be gone. Even in the same room, she’d be out of my grasp, most likely for good.
The last week of that had been unbearable.
Could I spend the rest of my life that way?
There was no doubt in my mind, if I did this, chased one big dream, I’d be giving up another I’d never get back.