Chapter 5
Five
Ellison
My lip quivers, so I bite into it, trying to make it stop.
My hands tremble as a sob breaks free from my chest. My vision starts to blur, and I’m thankful I’m driving just next door.
I pull my car into the driveway and turn off the engine.
I was supposed to return to the Manor to finish some paperwork after I visited with Mary, but as life tends to do for my sisters and me, it threw a wrench into my plans.
He wasn’t supposed to be there.
Mary assured me he was coming home tomorrow. I wanted to visit with her before her appointment on Friday. I’ve called her every day and visited her a few times since Chandler dropped the news of her illness on my sisters and me last week.
Grabbing my keys, purse, and phone, I rush from the car and into the house.
I don’t need anyone seeing me like this.
It’s been so long since I’ve laid eyes on him that I didn’t know how I would feel, but I didn’t expect this.
I didn’t expect the pain to feel like a knife twisting in my chest. What’s worse is the longing I could see in his eyes.
I felt it deep in my soul, but too much time has passed.
He left me without a word. He just left without sharing his plans with me. No explanation, no phone call, no carrier pigeon. Nothing. Not a word, and that hurts.
It’s an ache deep inside me. It’s rooted in a space that will forever remember the pain, the nights I cried myself to sleep, and the reality of moving on with my life. A life that I’d planned around him. Around the love of my life.
In my room, I close the door, toss my stuff to the floor, and curl up on the bed.
Here in the safety of my childhood bedroom, I let the tears flow freely.
I don’t try to mask what seeing him again has done to me.
Instead, I unleash it. I allow myself to feel every ache and every tear as it slides across my cheek, soaking into my pillow.
Eventually, the tears subside, and I know I need to pull myself together.
I allowed myself a moment to expel the pain, but life must go on.
I can’t stay locked in my room, dreaming of what could have been, when I need to be living in the present.
I have supplies to order, and I need to check in with Macklin on the new horse feed.
It’s from a different supplier, which saves us a significant amount of money each month through bulk orders.
I need to see if the horses are taking well to it or not.
With a heavy sigh, I force myself out of bed and across the hall to the bathroom.
My sisters keep trying to talk me into moving into the primary bedroom, but that was our parents’ room.
Although being thirty-two and still sleeping in the same room I did when my parents brought me home from the hospital is weird, I can’t bring myself to take over their room.
I don’t care that I’m the oldest. I’ve told all three of them they can fight it out over who gets it, but none of us wants it.
So, instead, it sits empty. A few years ago, Gram and Gramps convinced us to donate their things.
That was a hard day, but the four of us, with the help of our grandparents, got through it together.
It’s amazing what a little bit of makeup can do to hide the evidence of tears. A few drops of Visine in each eye, and I’m headed back to the Manor. It’s a short walk from the main house, and I could use that time to let the Visine do its job.
Stepping inside the Manor, I see Leighton at the front desk. “Hey, what are you doing out here?” I ask my sister.
“Beth had a dentist appointment. I told her that I’d cover her until she got back. Where have you been?”
“I went to see Mary for a little bit and took her the cookies that Courtlynn made for her.”
Leighton studies me. “What else?”
I sigh. There’s no use in hiding it from her. “While I was there, Copeland showed up. He came home a day early to surprise his mom.”
“What?” she shrieks.
I shrug. “It’s fine.” I wave my hand in the air like I wasn’t just crying so hard I could barely breathe over running into him today.
“Ellie—” she starts, but quickly stops when the door behind me opens.
Leighton puts on her customer-service smile before her eyes dart to mine, giving me a look that tells me more than her words could.
Although I didn’t need that look from her to know who it is.
I can feel his presence. I must have been a total bitch in another life to have all of this anguish raining down on me.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and turn to face him.
“Copeland.” I nod in greeting.
“Ells,” he says. The name only he’s ever called me rolls off his tongue with ease. His using that name sliced through me earlier today, and that same pain makes itself known this time, as well.
“I’ll leave you to it,” I tell Leighton, and rush off toward my office at the back of the Manor. Thankfully, the kitchen is close, and so is the bathroom. Maybe I’ll get more work done since I plan on locking myself either in my bedroom or my office until he’s no longer a guest.
Plopping down in my chair, I groan because, damn, this thing is not comfortable.
Opening up my laptop, I push my ex to the back of my mind and get to work.
At least, that’s the plan. I get maybe a solid forty minutes in before Leighton appears, with Courtlynn right beside her.
They make themselves at home in the guest chairs in my office, which I’m certain are more comfortable than mine, and stare me down.
“What’s up?” I ask, pretending like my world hasn’t been tilted on its axis this afternoon.
“Please hold.” Courtlynn holds up her index finger, reaches around to remove her phone from her back pocket, and taps at the screen.
“Great,” I mutter. She’s including Baylor in this conversation.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my sisters. I love the bond that we share, but I’m not in the mood to talk about Copeland.
Not today, not tomorrow, and probably not ever.
I need to keep him and his strong jaw and those muscular arms pushed to the back of my mind.
“What’s up?” Baylor asks.
“We’re about to interrogate Ellie, and we thought you’d want to be here for it,” Courtlynn explains.
“I’m down. Give me a second to close my office door,” she says. There’s rustling, and then, “I’m back. Let’s do this.”
“Ellison Moran, would you please share with the class, aka your loving sisters, how your meeting went this afternoon?” Courtlynn asks in a mock professional tone.
“We’re not doing this,” I tell them.
“Oh, we’re doing this,” Baylor says. “Court, I need details.”
“Well, I don’t have many. What I do know is that Ellie went to visit Mary earlier and took her some cookies I made for her. They were both surprised when Copeland walked in. He’s home a day earlier than planned.”
“No way!” Baylor exclaims. “Ellie, are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I assure them, and I’m damn proud that I’m able to keep my tone level. Not a quiver of the lips in sight.
“Tell us what happened,” Leighton says.
“Nothing happened. He walked in. We were both shocked to see one another again after all these years. We exchanged small-talk pleasantries, and I left. I came home and had a migraine from the shock of seeing him, as you can imagine. I lay down for an hour or so, and here I am, back to work.”
“Turn me around,” Baylor demands.
Courtlynn does as she’s asked, and I hold her gaze through the phone.
“He’s back. I knew he was coming back. Sure, it was a shock to see him, but it had to happen.
I’m not going to stop seeing Mary because he’s now around all the time.
She’s going to need me, need all of us, now more than ever.
I wouldn’t do that to her. Copeland James is a part of my past.”
“More like a blast from the past,” Courtlynn mutters.
“The past,” I say again. “Does it hurt to see him? Yes, I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t.
But it was damn near twenty years ago. I’m fine.
He’s here. His family is here, and they need him.
I’m a big girl. I can handle this.” My voice is strong, but all I keep thinking is Liar, liar, pants on fire in my head.
“Just a minute,” Baylor calls. “Girls, I have someone at my office door. I gotta run. Love you. Ellie, call me if you need me,” she says, before ending the call.
“Mary loved the cookies. She said to tell you thank you,” I tell Courtlynn.
“How is she?” Leighton asks.
“She’s in good spirits. She’s geared up to fight this disease with all that she has.”
“That’s good.” Leighton nods. “Ellison, are you sure that you’re okay?”
“Probably not,” I say, blowing some hair out of my eyes, “but I will be. Just taking life one day at a time.”
“You let us know if you need us,” Courtlynn tells me.
I smile at my sisters. “I will. I promise.”
“Okay, one more question, and we’ll let you get back to work.” Courtlynn leans in, resting her elbows on her knees. “How did he look?”
“Court!” Leighton scolds.
I don’t have to think about my answer. “Good. He looked good. His hair is short, and he always wore it longer, but he’s… mature, I guess is the best way to say it. He’s not the boy I fell in love with all those years ago. He’s a man.”
“A sexy man,” Courtlynn chimes in. “I mean, Chandler is a total DILF, so I’m assuming Copeland is aging like fine wine,” she says, sitting back in her chair and fanning her face with her hands.
“Courtlynn Rayne!” Leighton admonishes. “You can’t say things like that. Chandler is a married man.”
“I know, Lei. I’ve met his wife. She’s lucky as hell,” Courtlynn says, grinning like a loon.
“Go.” I shake my head at them. “Get out of here so I can get some work done.”
“We love you,” they say at the same time as they stand and walk around my desk. I stand, as well, pulling them both into a hug.