Chapter Nineteen
Bodie
“Hi.”
“Where have you been?” My question comes out as a whisper.
“I was with Cali.”
I want to reach for him, but I wait.
“I went to her house after work to talk. She finally got tired of me and told me to leave.”
I can’t help but fidget as we stand there.
“She, uh, told me we need to get our heads out of our asses.” He half-chuckles. “Umm, how was the game?”
“We lost. It was the first game of this round, so we still have a chance to get to the cup.” Just saying the words feels like a knife to my gut.
I’ve been playing well since the playoffs started, but tonight was by far my worst night.
So bad that Davidson said if I don’t get out of his apartment and apologize to Bryce, he’ll make sure I’m benched for the next game.
Deep down, I know he wouldn’t do it and only wants me to get out of this funk that came over me today, but he’s right. Maybe he wants a little privacy too.
“I’m sorry you lost, but I’m sure you’ll win enough to get to the cup.”
“Mhmm.” It shouldn’t be, but that’s the least of my worries right now. I need to fix things with us.
He yawns, and I’m suddenly aware of the dark circles under his eyes. “When was the last time you slept?”
“I’m okay. Don’t worry.”
“That doesn’t answer my question, Oz.” He notices his nickname before I even realize I said it. “C’mon.” I lead him into his room and lie down while he’s getting ready for bed. That’s when I register how slowly he’s moving. How the hell did he drive home this tired?
Bryce sits on the edge of the bed with his head down, and we both stumble over our words.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have walked away.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.” I speak over his apology. “And I’m sorry I didn’t come home.”
“I understand why you didn’t. I was a jerk.”
“You were exhausted, and we were in no shape to be talking about any of this.”
“If I’m being honest, I’m not in much better shape right now.” I barely hear him say it as his hands rub over his face.
“How little have you slept, Bryce?”
Refusing to look at me, his eyes rise to the ceiling. “Maybe a couple hours.”
“In how many days?” This is far worse than I thought.
He lies down and curls into me as soon as his head hits the pillow. I debate over letting him fall asleep or continuing the conversation we need to have, but he begins to snore before I make up my mind. It’s already five in the morning, so this can wait.
“I’m sorry.”
“Babe, are you okay?” I blink slowly, finally understanding what Bryce is saying between the soft whimpers coming from him.
“Please wake up,” Bryce whispers, and I realize he’s still asleep.
I don’t wake him right away, but I listen and wait.
There are moments of pause between his words, but every time he speaks, they’re the same, repeating over and over again.
When his chest starts rising higher and his whimpering rises in pitch, I know it’s time to try to wake him up.
I gently rub his arm with one hand while the other caresses the back of his neck, and then I touch my lips to his forehead until he calms. I’ve heard him stir before throughout the nights we’ve slept together, but I’ve never heard him verbalize anything before.
“I’m sorry,” he says, sounding more awake now than before.
“Nothing to be sorry about. I was already awake.”
“You’re a terrible liar.” His voice is muffled against my chest.
I continue comforting him until I feel moisture on my chest. “Do you want to talk about it?” I say as I pull him even closer against me.
I lie there in silence, waiting for him to find the words I feel him struggling through his discomfort to say.
“I have nightmares. I told you, right?”
“Mhmm.”
“They’re not random nightmares.” I feel the muscles in his back stiffening under my arm. “My nightmares are of the accident.”
I want to tell him I had a feeling they were, but I remain silent, hoping my presence will ground him.
“I, umm, see his face. In my dreams. With the blood on it. When the car stopped, I could see his face, and I—” When he tucks his head deeper into my chest, I can feel his heartache spread across my skin against his cheek, and it breaks my heart.
I don’t move a single muscle as he finally says it—the secret he’s hidden for so long.
“It was my fault.”