29. Chapter 28 – Brody
Chapter 28 – Brody
I sat on the tailgate of my truck in the barren parking lot, replaying the last few days while I drank yet another beer.
I was a royal fuck up. I deserved the ache in my gut and the burning pain in my heart for what I did.
I broke Knox, and in the process, I broke us. We’d never be the same. He’d never forgive me for what I said. I hadn’t meant it, but it didn’t matter. I spoke in anger and with fear of my own shortcomings, and I destroyed the trust between us. Forever.
I just wanted to find him, to make sure he was okay. After ensuring he went back to Hannah and Lex, I would then leave. I’d remove myself from the relationship and the house and protect them all from my toxicity. As soon as I found him.
I’d exhausted every single idea I could come up with over the last two days, and there was still no trace of him. It felt like I was drowning with every minute that passed without a word from him. I needed him to be okay, or…
No. I couldn’t think like that.
Knox blissfully lived in the good of life and found a purpose behind everything. Until I broke him with my words. Destroying him.
I was no better than my father, using cruelty and poison to control those around me.
Hannah’s revelation about Lex’s past and how she allowed it to darken her entire world to protect herself took me back in time to the night I lost my relationship with my entire family because of my relationship with Knox and Hannah .
My father came home one night, drunk and pissed off, swinging at anyone who stood in his way to get to me. I wasn’t even supposed to be home. I was supposed to be at a drag race with Knox, but he hadn’t shown up. So I went home.
And found my father’s fist for being gay.
Of course, I wasn’t, not then and not now, but that didn’t matter to him.
He’d seen some changes in Knox, and he wasn’t the only one. His friends at his garage where we all worked had seen them, too.
At that point, we both had been dating Hannah when she refused to choose between us. We were young, dumb, and so full of starry-eyed dreams, we thought it would work out to share her before our desires burned too bright to deny anymore. My dad’s friends were all convinced that Knox and I were sleeping together, and using Hannah as a cover, and had ridiculed my dad for it shamelessly. He was a weak man, who couldn’t stand the heat, so he passed it on to me.
With his fist and his steel-toed boots until I couldn’t move or fight back anymore.
His conditions were simple. Leave Hannah and Knox, or get the fuck out of his house, and never come back.
So I crawled out that front door, ignoring the cries of my mom and my younger sisters because I couldn’t stand the thought of not having Hannah and Knox in my life.
I chose my them over my family. I couldn’t survive without them, especially not since Knox confessed his feelings for me and we slept together. Walking away from Hannah and Knox wasn’t an option, because I was already in love with both of them.
I dragged myself to Hannah’s, climbing the tree outside of her bedroom window by the last bit of strength I had, and collapsed on her floor.
Her dad wasn’t the police commissioner yet at that point, but I did not doubt if he found me in her bedroom, at the ripe age of eighteen, he still would have kicked my already kicked ass.
So she hid me, and helped me, even though I wouldn’t tell her what happened to me .
The other night in our garage, I didn’t lie when I told Knox that his love for me made it impossible to walk away back then. But I didn’t mean it how it came out. I meant I was just as fucked over him at that point, even without understanding how our friendship had morphed into something deeper.
Something passionate.
I had no intention of ever being with a guy, but I stopped seeing his gender when I realized that love felt the same when it was authentic, regardless of who it was coming from.
It didn’t mean that choosing to stay with Hannah and open myself up to loving Knox publicly was easy.
I lost my entire family.
I lost my relationship with my siblings after the lies my father told them clouded their opinions of me. I lost the opportunity to have my mom by my side, witnessing and celebrating every accomplishment I achieved throughout my life. She never got to see what I made of myself.
I regretted that loving Knox had to be a case of having one or the other.
But that wasn’t on him, and it wasn’t fair of me to unload all of it onto him. Hannah and Knox knew my dad was a mean son of a bitch, but they didn’t know the half of it, because I spent my entire childhood hiding it.
Hiding the darkness of my life, so it didn’t darken their sunshiny ones.
Knox’s family loved him endlessly and openly. They embraced him and his decisions through life without a second of hesitation. And every time we spent a holiday with them or Hannah’s dad, instead of mine, they both gave me the same inquisition as to why I wouldn’t call mine and try to rekindle a relationship with them, thinking we had just grown apart.
So I lied, every time.
I said I didn’t want anything from my family.
I said I was happy with my chosen family.
I said it didn’t bother me.
I said I’d rather spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother and Father's Day, and every birthday over the last ten years with their families, instead of mine.
I lied. I lied so many times I almost fell for it myself .
Because in truth, what I wanted was to go back to my childhood and remember every single feature on my mom’s face as she opened the stupid, impractical gifts I gave her for holidays. I wanted to go back and memorize the warmth in the hug she gave me before I realized it’d be my last.
Four years after leaving my father’s house, Hannah came home with her face as white as a ghost, holding her newspaper in her hands. She was in charge of writing the obituaries for the paper and when she handed me the next day’s issue, a part of me died inside when I saw my mother’s name in black ink.
Alcoholism took her, and with it, every chance of reconciliation. I sat on my motorcycle overlooking the cemetery the day they laid my mother’s frail body to rest, and they buried my forgiveness in the dirt the same day.
When Knox tried to process Lex’s trauma and past and how it shaped her into the closed-off and controlling person she was today, his rose-colored glasses view of life—pissed me off.
It enraged me because he had no fucking clue how hard it was for some people. It transported me back to that scared and lonely eighteen-year-old kid trying to figure out how to take on the world when I suddenly had to start fresh, without help.
So I lashed out and did exactly what my father had done to me my whole life.
I killed his happiness because I had none.
So I sat on the tailgate and punished myself for it.
Hours passed of that, and I was well on the side of sloppy drunk when a truck pulled in and parked beside mine.
Through bleary eyes, I watched as Dallin, Parker, and Trey got out, walking toward me.
I could tell, even in my state of disorientation, that they weren’t there to offer their friendship.
“Well,” I took another drink of my beer. “Will it be fists or words, fellas?”
“Witty.” Trey mused, jumping up on my tailgate with me, swinging his legs animatedly. “I just want it noted that I told them they had to keep their hands to themselves.” He shrugged, with a grimace, “I don’t know if they’ll listen though, and they outvote me, so I can only do so much.”
He grabbed one of my beers and cracked it open, drinking it like he was going to enjoy the show either way.
“Lay it on me.” I held my arms out at the side, “I’m pretty sure I’m too drunk to even stand up to take a piss, so I’ll be an easy target.” Parker took a step forward and I held my hand up, “I’m assuming you found him though? Given your obvious distaste for me. So tell me he’s okay before you knock my lights out.”
“He’s fine.” Parker said, “At home in bed, nestled between Hannah and Lex.”
I gritted my teeth, trying to fight the sense of envy that burned in my gut, knowing he was okay and happy in the end.
Without me.
“Okay.” I nodded my head.
And then he pulled back and clobbered me straight in the jaw.
Lights out.
“Did you knock him out, or was it the beer?” Trey’s voice cut through my hazy brain.
“Judging by the pile of cans, I’d say it’s the beer,” Dallin added.
“When he wakes up, I’ll try again.” Parker deadpanned, and I groaned, already dreading meeting the end of his fist again.
“It was you, big guy.” I hissed, rolling over to my side, on the ground, because apparently, it was too much to have hoped that one of them would have caught me before I fell face-first into the dirt. “All you.”
“Good choice.” Trey stage whispered from the tailgate of my truck, still drinking my beer.
I got to my knees and wrenched my jaw back and forth, testing to see if it was broken or not, but heard no clicks or crunches .
“Well, now that we have that out of the way.” I stumbled to my feet and held onto my tailgate for dear life. “He’s good?”
Parker scoffed and cracked his knuckles like he was really itching to go for round two, but Dallin put his hand on his shoulder, holding him back, and replied. “He was broke down in the middle of a field, ready to let exposure and dehydration kill him.”
I froze, staring at my friend in disbelief. “He said that?” I asked for clarification.
“He admitted he didn’t go out there to commit suicide.” Parker jumped in, “But that he wasn’t fighting against it anymore when I found him.”
My heart shattered in my chest, hearing the words I dreaded the most. I drove him to that low point.
“I’m sorry.” I kept my head hung in shame.
“Why didn’t you tell us the truth of what you said when you first asked for help?” Dallin asked, barely masking his anger.
I picked my head up and stared at him, “Would you admit all of your faults to me?”
“If there was more at risk than just my pride, yes.” He snapped.
“I’m sorry,” I stated again, resolved to take my lumps because, in reality, nothing I could say would make it better.
“Enough.” Trey bit out. “You’ve both made your points. Move on.”
“Why are you so invested in saving his ass?” Parker bit out, “Since this whole thing started, you’ve had his back. And I can’t figure out why when our other friend is the one who’s hurt!”
“He’s hurt.” Trey sounded calm and purposeful as he slid off the tailgate. “Even though he caused Knox’s pain, doesn’t mean he isn’t hurting too!”
“Stop.” I shook my head and tried to reason with Trey, whose temper had always been as short as mine. “Don’t fight because of me.”
“You don’t get it,” Trey shrugged his shoulders, “But I do. I get you.” He said firmly, “And I’m not going to stand by while they kick you while you’re already down. Aside from the initial punch, nothing more is on us to hand out to you. ”
“He’s right.” Dallin sighed, putting his hands in his pockets as he looked at me like he didn’t quite recognize the man in front of him. I hated that look. It made my skin burn. “Let’s leave him to it.” He took a step back towards the truck.
“You’re kidding, right?” Trey spit out, “Just leave him here?” He threw an empty beer can onto the ground and stomped it. “Like this? Who are you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dallin squinted at his husband in outrage.
“It means when the going gets tough, and I fuck up,” he raised his arms in the air, “Again! Are you going to just leave me to it ? To self-destruct into an early grave.”
“I didn’t—” Dallin sighed, rubbing his hand over his face in frustration.
“Never mind.” Trey waved his hand at him dismissively, “Go home. I got this.”
“What do—,”
“Leave!” Trey bellowed, and my head pulsated from it. “Just go.”
Surprisingly, both Parker and Dallin got into the truck and left.
“Wow.” I hummed, trying to pull myself up onto the tailgate and failing miserably, landing on the ground. “You should have left with them.” I coughed after inhaling a mouthful of dirt. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“You really don’t get it, do you?” He squinted at me and then picked up the discarded beer cans and threw them into the truck bed and closed the tailgate.
“I mean, on a good day I might have a better shot at following.” I crawled to my feet again, “But today isn’t a good day.”
Trey grabbed the front of my shirt and shook me. “Broken knows broken, Brody.” He shook his head in disbelief, “Don’t you understand that?”
“Not really.”
“And that’s a damn fucking shame.” He let go of my shirt and held his hand out, “Keys.”
“Carjacking me now?” Fishing around in my pocket for them, I handed them over. I didn’t need them in my condition. I was stupid, but not that stupid .
“You wish.” He pushed me toward the passenger side and then shoved my dumb ass into the seat. “I figure you’ll be a little smarter with some bacon grease and a pot of coffee in that stomach of yours.”
“Mmh,” I nodded marginally, “It’s not your worst idea ever.”
“None of my ideas are bad ones.” He argued, turning the truck on and pulling out toward the diner across town. The only place open all night.
“Helping me is.” I laid my head against the window. “I don’t deserve it.”
“Some day, someone is going to say the same thing about me after I let my past get in the way of my future again . And maybe this is just my way of hoping you’re standing there, burdening some of the blows and reaching a hand out to me as I find my way back out of the hole I dig.”
“Philosophical.” I muttered, “Someday I’m going to appreciate the forethought.”
He chuckled and shook his head as he pulled into the lot under the neon glow of the fifties-style diner. “You know who would say something just like that to me when I try to be nice?” He put the truck in park and waited for me to look at him. “Lex.”
“Hmm.” I nodded, trying to dissolve the ache in my chest, knowing I fucked everything up with all three of them for good and I’d never get to see her get the healing she deserved. “Interesting.”
A couple of long hours and an obscene amount of coffee later, I was driving into my driveway at half-past six in the morning.
I dropped Trey off at his place and drove home, far more sober than I had been when he found me. And forced myself to face the fury and pain I created without hiding out anymore.
The people inside of my house deserved that much, at least.
There were no lights on inside and the sun was just barely peeking over the mountains, which meant everyone was probably still asleep. So I quietly made my way inside, hanging my keys on the hook by the door I had used for years, wondering if I would still have such privileges tomorrow.
I kicked my boots off and moved through the house to the kitchen, intent on not disturbing anyone, when I heard something coming from upstairs. The master bedroom was directly above the kitchen, yet it took my tired brain far too long to identify the sound.
Maybe it was because of the turmoil burning in my gut, or the thought that perhaps that same turmoil would be affecting those I loved, but I wasn’t expecting to hear what I did.
Moans.
Skin.
Laughs.
The solidification of my future fell into place, as I fell into a chair at the kitchen table, and listened to the three people I wanted more than anything, happily enjoying themselves without me.
They deserved that. They deserved the happiness that pleasure could bring. And I deserved to be completely gutted by it.
So I sat there, listening to Knox's groans, followed by Hannah’s cry of ecstasy, moments before Lex’s melodic voice followed hers as she gave into bliss.
Four days ago, they would have invited me into that heaven. Today, I sat on the outside.
Rightfully so.
I covered my mouth when all I wanted to do was howl in agony as I listened to my private torment. For them, I’d endure.
And then I’d leave for good.