42
“Del,” he says again.
“Hi,” I say, plastering on my fake smile, “How are you?” I ask.
He frowns, “That is such a fake smile,”
I roll my eyes, “What exactly would you like me to do, Miles?” I ask, sounding way more hurt than I meant to. I’m trying not to be pathetic and whiny but seeing him has brought it all flooding back. I’ve been trying to think like Emme, to think that maybe there was a different version of what I heard, but I just don’t buy it.
Miles’s eyes widen, “I don’t know, maybe you could start by explaining why you ended things,” he says, looking equally as hurt, and it just makes me mad.
“Why I…?” I trail, “Honestly, I assumed you’d be happy to be rid of me. It left you free to get back with Adriana,” I say, spitefully.
He frowns, “Why would I be getting back with her?”
“I know she’s back in London,” I say, “You didn’t even tell me,”
He frowns harder, “Because it didn’t matter,” he says, “It didn’t matter when she told me and it doesn’t matter now. I’ve spent six weeks trying not to text you and ask you what the fuck is happening. I don’t want to force you to talk to me if you don’t want me to, but I need you to know that Adriana is not on the scene. She’s not even in my mind. I want you. I’ve wanted you since you accused me of being a drug dealer and hid in an empty office with me,” he says.
I scoff and he shakes his head, “One day, I’d like to hit Caleb for making you believe you’re not good enough. I don’t understand how I can stand here and tell you that I am literally in love with you and you won’t believe me. He was an idiot. You could see at the wedding that he knew what an idiot he was, and yet you refuse to see it,”
I am momentarily stunned by his admission, but then the angry lady in my brain tells me that I’m losing the fight and I roll my eyes. He’s probably just saying it for effect, “Please,” I say, “I heard the conversation with your dad,”
His brow furrows, “What conversation?”
“While I was in the bath,” I say, “Where you told him it wasn’t fair on poor old me for you to go back to Adriana,”
He opens his mouth and then closes it and then opens it again, “I didn’t say that,” he says, looking like he’s trying really hard to remember what he said, “I told him it wasn’t fair for him to have the conversation he was trying to have while I was there with you. I was aware you might hear and I knew you would freak out if you heard anyway. Evidently, I was right,”
The angry woman is now telling me that he’s just changing the story to make it fit what he wants but she’s sounding less and less convincing because, seriously, why would he be here trying to convince me of this if he wanted to be rid of me. Maybe I am an idiot? But then, his family Adriana’s dad…
Argh.
“It wasn’t just that,” I mutter, and I tell him about Adriana’s dad. He looks furious.
“Why didn’t you tell me he did that?” he asks.
“Because, I thought he was right,” I say, “I don’t fit in with you. I don’t fit in your family’s world and I’m not the girl who is going to be the wife of a CEO,”
Miles raises an eyebrow, “When did I ever give you the impression that I wanted to be a CEO? In fact, I distinctly remember telling you I didn’t want to be my dad, over and over and over,”
Now it’s my turn to impersonate a goldfish.
I open my mouth, then close it again, then open it again, “I just worried,” I say, “I worried that I really was holding you back. That I am really not good enough for you,” I say quietly, finally admitting it out loud. Because now that I am standing here in front of him, it’s becoming clearer and clearer that he didn’t believe anything I thought he did. He believed the opposite, and I made this whole thing up, entirely. Or my anxiety did. Let’s blame her, she’s a dick.
“So, what? You get to choose my future for me too?” Miles asks, and he sounds exhausted, “Do you not think that I get enough of that from my family? Everyone in my life seems to think they know what is right for me and for once, I just want to pick for myself,”
I blink because, fuck, he’s right. I really did do that. I really did decide for him what was good enough and what wasn’t. I really did what his dad’s been trying to do all his life. I let my stupid brain and all the insecurities in my life ruin this good thing.
Emme is right.
I broke my own heart.
“Fuck,” I mutter, “I really… fuck,”
Miles is watching me in earnest.
“I made it all up,” I say quietly.
He watches me for a moment and then nods.
I put my head in my hands, “Emme was right,”
He frowns, “Right about what?”
“She said that I had convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough,”
He nods, “Yeah,” he says.
“Fuck, I really am crazy,” I say, and then I sigh, turning away, “I’ve got to go,”
I am suddenly hot and probably bright red and so unbelievably embarrassed at having literally made this whole thing up like a crazy person. I need to get away.
“No, wait,” Miles says, “Please don’t,”
I turn back to him.
“I really want this to be real,” he says quietly.
I raise an eyebrow at him, “After all this?”
He smiles a small smile, “Kinda, yeah,” he says.
“I just showed you how crazy I am, like a complete nutjob,” I say, incredulously, “Isn’t that like the biggest ever turn-off?”
He snorts, “You’d be surprised,” he says, and then he continues, stepping closer to me, “I don’t think you showed any crazy. I think all I learned was that you require very clear communication,”
I raise an eyebrow again, “Are you just like an incredible optimist?” I ask incredulously.
He laughs, “Maybe,” he says, “Or maybe I really am in love with you, even when you make up entire conversations in your head, end things with me, and ignore me for six weeks,”
My brow furrows, “So, the whole love thing wasn’t, like, just for effect?”
He sighs, “Jesus Christ, Del,” he says, “No, I want to be with you. I think you’re incredible. I have done since the moment I met you. Honestly, I would have just asked you out in that room in Harry’s house but you seemed really skittish and kind of convinced I dealt drugs, ”
“Oh my god,” I say, “Please tell me you didn’t manufacture the fake dating thing,” I say, thinking of the ick I would get.
He chuckles, “Nope, but it was rather serendipitous,”