Two Doors Down

Chapter 1

Eve

‘She was a total psycho, I promise you,’ Robert leans over the table conspiratorially. ‘It was a trip to Marbella, for fuck’s sake. Marbella. You’d have thought I’d said I was going to Bangkok, the way she reacted.’

He laughs and kicks me lightly under the table, as though we’re in this together.

‘How weird.’ I prop my chin up with my hand, because otherwise my head will fall off from boredom. ‘It almost sounds like she didn’t trust you.’

‘Exactly!’ Robert roars and sloshes his pint in the general direction of his mouth. ‘Was it my fault that her ex-boyfriend cheated on her? No, but she did a brilliant job of making me feel like it was. It really gets on my tits when women blame every man on the planet for something that one of us did, you know?’ He pouts.

‘It’s a real burden for you all, I’m sure.’

‘I mean, look,’ he looks left, and then right, and then directly into my soul, ‘Everyone’s done it once or twice, right? We’re all human.’

I lean forward and grab his wrist. ‘But never in Marbella ,’ I gasp.

He blinks, then frowns and leans back. ‘No. Well, I mean... wait, are you joking?’

I sigh quietly. ‘Remind me again what you do?’ I swirl the dregs of gin around my glass as Robert begins the speech I’ve heard three times already but haven’t yet actually listened to. It’s something to do with investment banking, I think; that or civil engineering. Or was that Danny, from last week? Who cares, really.

Robert is an online dating conquest; one I found on the Tryst app precisely eight hours ago. His main picture was one of him on a donkey at Blackpool beach, wearing a sombrero, some speedos and nothing else. He had a can of Red Stripe in his hand. More than eight hours between discovery and meeting would have allowed for too much of a reality-check on my part, and I haven’t got the time for second guessing. I’d just like to get the formalities over with and skip to the good part.

I inspect his biceps as he talks. Robert’s biceps are his personality, which is fine by me. He catches me looking and tenses, his voice squeaking slightly with the effort of speaking and peacocking at the same time. I tune back in. ‘. . . brought in over a million for the company last year, actually. Management presented me with a plaque and everything.’ He laughs, as if this is all very embarrassing, but something tells me he’s got it hung above the mantelpiece at home. ‘Got promoted off the back of that one big deal, actually...’

We’re getting into it now, I can feel it. ‘Congratulations.’

‘Thanks.’ He smiles self-deprecatingly.

Leave it there, Robert.

‘Thirty-two to fifty k, just like that.’ He snaps his fingers.

Aaaaand there it is: Robert’s annual salary. Like a slightly less socially-unacceptable dick pic, I did not ask for it, but it has been bestowed upon me regardless.

My phone starts ringing and I swoop into my bag to retrieve it. Robert’s chest deflates; he’s shown his top card at the wrong moment.

It’s Jess. 9 p.m. on the dot, regular as clockwork.

‘I’m sorry, I have to get this.’ I flash Robert my most apologetic face and swipe across to answer. ‘Hello?’

‘My nan’s dead, my dog’s run away or my boyfriend’s left me. Pick one.’ Jess drawls, and then giggles as she scuffles with something in the background. ‘ Stop it, Johnny!’

I weigh up my options in my head. I’m presenting first thing tomorrow morning, and there are still a few figures I need to double-check. Also, I’m having a genuine car crash of an evening, and personality-wise, Robert is a horror of a man. It’s a no-brainer.

‘Glad everything’s OK, you had me worried there for a second!’ I chirp back to Jess.

She cackles. ‘You tart.’

‘Speak soon, bye!’ I put the phone down and turn back to Robert, who is not-so-subtly tugging his shirt a little lower to reveal the top of a rather firm pec. The moment for small-talk pretence is over. It’s time for us to both get what we came here for. ‘Shall we go back to yours, then?’