Chapter Twenty-Three
Dex
Visiting hours were almost over when Nurse Paula tapped my shoulder and murmured that Otto was back in his room.
At the coffee shop, my dad explained that Myke Kravets was meeting with Otto to make Otto once again master of his own fate now that he was lucid.
When Dad left, Otto’s room was empty, so I brought the battered copy of Mortal Engines into the family waiting room and curled up in an oversized armchair by the window, ignoring the gross texture of the puke-proof fabric while I stared out.
If Otto wanted me, I was easy to find but if he didn’t -which was what I expected- I could slip out later without a big scene.
Easy-peasy.
And it was because Paula had no problem at all finding me.
“Did he.. I mean, is he asking for me?” I had to force the words out.
“He sure is, love,” Paula said warmly. “Seemed very worried when you were missing from his room, so I told him I come have a gander.”
Well, that seemed promising. Unless he remembered everything and was just wanting to read me the riot act for taking advantage of him.
Fuck.
“Great.” I managed a smile for Paula as she walked off. “I’ll pop right in!”
I’m doubtful that the foot-dragging shuffle that drew me over to the half-open door could actually qualify as popping, but it was the fastest I could make my feet drag me toward my doom. Well, my potential doom, anyway.
I tapped lightly on the door and Otto called out.
“Dex? Is that you?”
“It’s me,” I confirmed, poking my head through the opening. “You okay?”
Otto shook his head, his brow furrowed. “Not really,” he said with a huff.
My heart sank. “Otto, I am so incredibly sorry..”
Otto broke in. “Sorry? What the hell do you have to be sorry for?”
“I..”
“Dex? Do you mind coming in so we can talk without shouting? I’m still a little tired.”
“Oh, jeez! Of course!” I slipped in and pulled the door closed behind me, standing awkwardly in the center of the small room. “Sorry about that.”
Otto cocked his head. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Dex.”
Dex. Not baby.
“I don’t?”
Otto shook his head, his mouth twisted into a small frown.
“Naw. If anything, I owe you a bunch of apologies. Myke told me you were just helping with my care and we aren’t actually together, so I must have made you pretty uncomfortable with all the touching and marriage talk and everything.
” His brows drew together. “I definitely crossed some lines so I’m sorry. ”
“Oh, um, I didn’t mind,” I said softly. “You know I’ve always cared about you so I absolutely wanted to help in any way I could.”
Otto’s frown morphed into a scowl. “I appreciate that, but your mate couldn’t have been very happy to have me pawing you.” He winced. “Or trying to bond with your baby.”
I tried to smile understandingly but was pretty sure it was more sickly. “It’s fine, Otto. I don’t have..I’m not in a relationship, so it isn’t a problem.”
Otto’s eyes dropped to my belly, but he didn’t say anything.
“Did, um, did the doctor help with your memories?”
Otto huffed. “I guess it depends on your definition of help. He showed me the pictures of the house when..well, you know.”
I nodded. I definitely knew. There was no way I could ever forget that scene.
“I’m still not sure what happened but I am sorry you had to find me like that.” Otto groaned almost inaudibly. “I know some people think it was a suicide attempt,” he said quietly, “but I am positive it wasn’t. I mean, I don’t remember but I don’t feel like it was that.”
I snorted. “I never thought that, Otto,” I assured him. “Not even for a minute.”
~*~
Otto
I should have been glad that Dex didn’t subscribe to the suicide theory, but something about the sad look on Dex’s face wasn’t quite sitting right.
“You didn’t?” I asked with a relieved breath. “Thank god. Why not?”
“Why not what?” Dex seemed confused.
“Why didn’t you think I was trying to off myself?”
Dex snorted. “Basic reality. We had an argument and they thought you were so broken up by losing me that you would drink yourself to death.” He snorted again. “Obviously ridiculous.”
Wow, there was a lot to unpack in that short response, so I started with the most important part.
“Why would it be ridiculous for me to be broken up over losing you?”
Dex froze for a second and then forced a stiff smile. “Well, you can’t really lose someone you don’t love, right?”
I considered that and then shoved on. “Dex, I’ve loved you most of my life. You know that, don’t you?”
“I, uh, I’m really not sure this is a good time for this conversation,” Dex said weakly, his eyes dropping to the bed.
“The doctor said I’m cleared for it,” I said firmly. “That’s why they spent the afternoon trying to jumpstart my noggin, remember?” I stretched my arm out and extended my hand. “Come sit with me?”
Dex blew out a slow, controlled breath but didn’t move toward my hand and I wavered, considering for the first time that just because I wanted Dex didn’t mean that Dex wanted me.
“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way,” I said, trying to keep my voice level. “We can just be friends. I didn’t mean to pressure you.”
“You’re not.” Dex shook his head and when he looked up, his eyes were shiny with tears. “It’s just..” He heaved a sigh that clearly carried some heavy emotions. “When you remember, you’ll change your mind. I, um, I’m not strong enough to go through that right now.”
“I’ll change my mind about us being friends?” I could hear the doubt in my voice as I lowered my hand. “Dex, that doesn’t make sense. I’ll always be your friend.”
“About loving me,” Dex clarified. “We, um, we’ve been spending some time together, but it wasn’t going well. That, um, that was what the fight was about.”
“Not going well how?” Dex was still standing several feet from the bed and his distress was souring his spicy sweet scent. “Baby, will you come snuggle with me? I think the contact would help, if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, of course.” Dex set the book he was carrying on the seat of the chair by the door and dropped his small canvas bag next to it.
He hesitated when I pulled the covers back but went ahead with stripping down to his shirt and boxers before crawling in beside me. Reaching over, I wrapped my arm around his waist and dragged him closer to my side.
“That’s better,” I sighed, pressing my nose against his neck to steal a quick whiff of his skin.
“Now, would you please tell me what happened between us? I promise not to get mad but it’s incredibly frustrating having these big holes in my memory, especially when I know they’re hiding something that hurt you and I can’t make up for it. ”
Dex sighed another of those heavy sighs and pushed against the light blanket. “Yeah. Let me go sit in the chair.”
I tightened my arm around his waist. “No, can’t do that,” I disagreed. “It’ll be easier on both of us if we’re touching. Please?”
Dex drew in a deep breath but stayed where he was, sitting stiffly against me as he started to speak.
I listened in a kind of fascinated horror as Dex laid out all the ways I let him down since being released from prison.
Oh, Dex was careful to tell the story from the point of view that made him sound the worst -pushy, demanding, greedy, selfish, you name it- but as he talked, little bits of memories flashed back into place.
Just like the doctor hoped, the holes began to fill in, and I was beyond appalled at my own selfish, asshole behavior.
When Dex finally finished speaking, his voice was barely over a whisper and he'd had to dash tears from his eyes several times.
“Oh, baby. I am so sorry that I’ve put you through that,” I said sincerely, pressing a soft kiss to his tear-stained cheek. “I can promise you that I do love you, even though I haven’t done a very good job of showing it.”
I kept Dex tight against my side until he shuddered and relaxed against me. I rubbed his back with my palm and considered everything he’d shared. Something was bothering me. There wasn’t any mention of the baby until several minutes into the telling.
I drew in a deep breath and brushed another kiss on his cheek before taking the plunge. “Dex, love, the baby is mine, isn’t it?”
“It..I..” Dex floundered for a long moment and collapsed back against the pillows in a faint.
“Good job, fuck head,” I hissed under my breath as I shifted him to reach the nurse call button. “This is exactly why you can’t have nice things.”