37. Cassie #2
Long after Nina is out of sight, I’m still standing there trying to process, heart thudding, staring sightlessly at the sliding glass door as I pick at the thread she loosened and my entire world begins to unravel.
I tell myself to stop. I don’t have to listen to her. I know the truth. She said all that because she’s vicious, but there’s no way…
But why would she say all that when she’s only talking to me? She sounded so sure of herself, so angry. Why would she be so angry with me if she knew she was making it all up?
I notice my chest moving, the extra effort it takes to draw a breath.
What she’s saying is impossible.
I know what happened that night. I was there. I was the only one in that room with him, trapped beneath his body, his hand clamped over my mouth.
I didn’t make anything up.
I’m not crazy.
But I don’t think she is, either.
Mean, but not crazy.
She believes what she just said to me. But how could it be true, when I’m telling the truth, too?
I can’t breathe properly.
Woodenly, I turn around and walk through the kitchen. I stop and look at the entryway. I avoided it earlier. Came in the back door so I didn’t have to see it.
I walk across the stretch of floor where Tim’s body fell, then I go up the stairs.
But I don’t go to Tor’s room.
I go to Tim’s.
I’m practically wheezing by the time I get there, the effort it takes to breathe becoming a little too much. Maybe I should just stop trying because if what she said is true…
It isn’t.
It can’t be.
You know the truth.
The forceful insistence of my fracturing mind doesn’t make me feel any better, though.
I stare at Tim’s bed. It isn’t made. The sheets are still rumpled like he just climbed out of it this morning. Maybe no one could bring themselves to come into this room since he died, or maybe they left it the way he did for sentimental reasons.
Because they miss him.
He was taken from them.
Oh my god. What have I done?
I shake my head, tears welling up in my eyes, rejecting the unacceptable possibility that surfaces in my mind.
I want to lie down in the bed like I did last summer just to see what happens. Smells can trigger memories, and the pillow probably still smells like him. If it triggers the memories, I can… I can relive it and reassure myself that I’m remembering everything correctly.
It’s too horrifying to think I could have possibly been wrong. I can’t be wrong about this. I can’t be.
Nina’s lying. It’s the only explanation. Nothing else makes sense.
Except Tim had an identical twin brother.
“No,” I say out loud, shaking my head, tears welling up in my eyes as I reject that possibility with my whole heart. “No, no, no.”
No, because that’s fucking crazy. I know Tor, and Nina is the liar here. She has to be.
She has to be because if she isn’t…
“Oh my god.”
I suck in a breath, then another, but I’m starting to panic.
I’m starting to feel lightheaded.
I can’t get enough air.
I claw at the chest of this tight fucking dress. I want to tear it off. I need to tear it off. I can’t breathe.
The door opens behind me.
“Cassie?”
The sound of his voice makes my heart slam against my ribs, a frantic, trapped thing.
I can’t breathe.
Panic floods me more forcefully as I turn and my gaze lands on Tor.
His blue eyes lock on me immediately, registering my unraveling, but not understanding why it’s happening. He sees my struggle to draw enough breath. He looks confused. He looks a little panicked himself as he tries to quickly ascertain what’s going on here.
But he doesn’t look like a monster.
He looks like the man who has made me love him.
What if he isn’t who I think he is?
His own father called him a snake. What if I’m wrong about him?
I shake my head, my face crumpling. I don’t want to believe that. I can’t.
But what if it’s true?
“Cassie, what happened?” he asks, taking a step toward me.
I hold up a hand to stop him as he reaches for me. “Don’t.”
He stops, his hand hovering in the air between us. “Why did you come in here?”
“I’m trying to remember.”
He doesn’t have to ask what I’m trying to remember.
His eyes harden, and he takes another step toward me, but I back up.
“Why would you do that?” he asks quietly. “You can’t breathe. Come on, let’s get you out of here.” He reaches for my arm, but I jerk it back before he can make contact.
“Don’t touch me.”
He stops dead in his tracks. His stare doesn’t leave me, but his confusion turns into something else. Wariness. “Cassie, why are you looking at me like that?”
“Was it you?” I ask quietly, terrified to meet his gaze. Horrified of what I might see if I do.
Carefully, he asks, “What are you talking about?”
I can’t ask again, so I ask something different. “Did you fuck Nina the night of that party last summer?”
It feels like a long shot, frankly. I’m grasping at straws. That doesn’t make any more sense than what Nina said. She said it was Tim, and I guess there’s a chance she couldn’t tell them apart, but…
What if I’m the one who made that mistake?
The thought punches the remaining breath right out of my lungs, and I double over, clutching my stomach.
Tor tries to approach me again, but I shout, “No. I said don’t fucking touch me!”
He raises his hands in surrender and takes a step back, the same way he did the night Tim died.
The night I killed him.
The last time my mind unraveled inside this house, but not the first.
“Cassie…” Tor licks his lips, catching my gaze and holding it. “There are people downstairs, so you need to be quiet.”
I suck in a shuddering breath. “Have you and I been in this room together before?” I ask him. “Did you come into this bedroom when I was asleep in Tim’s bed? Did you rape me, Tor?”
There’s a crazy look in his eyes, but I probably have a crazy look in mine, too.
“Am I the fucking monster?” I demand, close to shrieking. “Did I get it wrong? Did I kill—”
At that, he lunges for me.
I scream, trying to turn away from him, but he locks his arms around me, crushing me against his body. I fight his grip, but he’s too strong. I twist, trying to shove or claw at whatever I can reach. “Get off me!”
“Shut the fuck up, Cassie.”
For a split second, I’m paralyzed. Tor never speaks to me that way, so the words alone stun me, but then he clamps his hand over my mouth, and the shock of it propels me back into action. I scream, but it comes out more like a wail.
“Fuck,” Tor says savagely, loosening his grip, but it’s the only time I’ve ever felt uncertainty in his touch.
He doesn’t know what to do. “I’m sorry,” he says, touching my face apologetically to try to make up for the brief violence.
“I didn’t mean to—But you can’t scream, there are people downstairs, they’ll hear you—”
“I don’t care! Get your hands off me. Get your fucking hands off me.”
“Please calm down,” he says, taking his hands off me and gripping his head, raking his fingers through his hair. “Think for a fucking minute here, Cassie. We have come too far to blow everything up now—”
“I’m the monster,” I wail, dragging my hands down my face. “I’m the fucking monster.”
“You are not the fucking monster,” he says, grabbing my wrists, fury lighting up his icy-blue eyes as he pulls my hands away from my face.
“Stop saying that.” He tries to take control of the situation, but I’m spinning out.
“Look, let’s go somewhere, okay? We’ll go somewhere and talk, but we can’t do this here.
We can’t do this when I have a house full of people—”
“Why?” I demand, wild-eyed, jerking my wrists from his grip. “You had a house full of people last time!”
“Come on.” He reaches for my hand, but I move before he can get it, shoving against his chest with all my strength.
“I said don’t fucking touch me! I’m not going anywhere with you. I’m not fucking crazy, Tor. I’m not… I’m never going anywhere with you ever again.”
As soon as the words are out, I feel the devastation of them and tears fill my eyes.
“Yes, you are,” he says firmly.
“No, I’m not!” Fresh tears spill down my cheeks. “You’re a lie. We’re a lie. Everything you’ve said to me… Nothing is real. You’ve been lying to me all along.”
“We are not a fucking lie, Cassie.” I can feel him wanting to touch me, but he doesn’t reach for me. “I have not been lying to you. Where is all of this coming from?”
“Nina told me! She told me that she was with him. That’s why she’s been so fucking vicious to me this year. She really does believe I made it all up. She said it couldn’t have been him, that he was with her—”
He gestures wildly at the door, cutting me off. “And you believe fucking Nina now?”
“I don’t know what to believe, Tor, but I can’t be in this house anymore. I’m leaving. I’m out of here and do not follow me. Don’t you dare come after me.”
“Cassie, stop.” He grabs my arm, and I glare at him over my shoulder.
“Take your hand off me,” I say slowly.
“Please don’t leave,” he says, holding my gaze unflinchingly despite the look I know he must be seeing in mine. “Not like this.”
Just when I thought I’d run out, tears well up in my eyes again. “You won’t even answer me. You made me do something unforgivable, and you won’t even—” My words cut off, emotion making it too difficult to speak.
“Cassie, I didn’t fucking—” He grits his teeth, following me out into the hall when I try to flee. “Come back in here and talk to me. We’ll figure this out. You can’t leave like this.”
“Watch me.”
It’s like my dream in reverse. I run down the hall, and when I get to the stairs, I hear a loud crashing sound from Tim’s bedroom, but I don’t turn around, and I don’t look back.
Like I should have done two weeks ago, I get the hell out of here.