Chapter 16
Ylva woke up alone. Night had already fallen, which did not surprise her. After weeks of worry and debilitating morning sickness, she was exhausted. Relieved by Ulf’s unexpected support, comforted by his embrace, she had collapsed into oblivion. Was it the middle of the night?
In the corner of the hut, she saw Judith curled up on her pallet, asleep, with her back to her as usual.
Ylva smiled to herself. Thanking her friend would have to wait until the morning, but she would definitely thank her for ignoring her wishes and going to get Ulf.
It had turned out to be the best thing she could have done.
Careful not to make any noise, Ylva left the pallet.
Seized by a sudden need for fresh air, she decided to go outside.
No sooner had she closed the door, than she saw Ulf, sitting on a log by a huge fire.
Taking advantage of the balmy evening, and not wanting to disturb the women, he had settled there for the night.
Above them the sky was awash with stars, a most beautiful sight.
Ulf stood up at her approach and took her hands in his. “Feeling better?”
“Yes, thank you.” She suddenly felt shy in front of him. “Though, I have to warn you, I expect to be quite ill in the morning. It’s been the same for the last three months.”
“Have you been suffering badly then?” He sounded worried.
“I have no real point of comparison, but I would say yes, more than the average woman. Not that I mind,” she hastened to add when his frown deepened. “I love my—our—baby already.”
There was no answer, only a squeezing of the hands. In the flickering light of the flames, she could see the emotion on Ulf’s face. He was thanking her for not resenting this child that had turned her life inside out. Other women might have.
“So, what now?”
His answer came out without hesitation. “You are coming back to the village with me.”
Was she? Was that what he had decided while she slept?
She made to talk but he stopped her with a cutting gesture, the epitome of the forceful Norseman. “Do not think to deny me. We need to talk about this, see what we can do. This is my child as well, and I too, love him or her already.”
He placed a hand over stomach, as if to prove it.
Ylva melted—then gasped.
“What?”
“The babe kicked again. Here. Didn’t you feel it?
” Just as Ulf started to shake his head, there was another nudge.
His eyes went as big as cart wheels. She could not help a smile.
He had not been lying when he’d said he loved this babe already.
“It never happened before today. Or, at least, I was not certain that was what I felt. Now I am.”
It felt hugely significant. It was as if the baby had waited for this day, and the first meeting with its father to say hello. It was such a beautiful, emotional moment, and against all odds, Ulf was here to share it with her.
“You two are coming back with me tomorrow,” he said, looking twice as determined as before, now that he had felt his baby. “You need to see someone to check that everything is fine and that this lingering morning sickness is normal, someone who will be able to give—”
“I cannot go see your mother,” she cut in before he could suggest it. “Surely you see that such a visit would be too awkward.”
Had she made love to Ulf, it would be embarrassing enough.
But how could she tell his mother what they had done without dying of shame?
Not that she intended to tell anyone who the father was for now or what they had done together.
Everyone would assume this child had been conceived the normal way and she would not contradict them.
“Yes.” He seemed to agree that it was best for her not to see his mother. “I will take you to old Helga. She will be able to help you.”
There was a pause.
“Please for now, do not tell her that we—who the baby’s father—who—”
She wasn’t ready to have everyone know what she and Ulf had shared when they had not even discussed the future.
“No.” Ulf’s eyes were two blue flames in the firelight.
Fortunately, he seemed to agree that it was too early to announce their news.
“I will just tell her that you came back to the village to tell us where you had settled, and took the opportunity to check that all was progressing as normal, having no one reliable at hand near your new home.”
Yes. That would be best, even if eventually they would have to tell everyone what was happening.
At some point, Ulf would want to tell his family that he was going to be a father, and in four months’ time he would introduce his baby to them.
But for now, they needed to adjust to their new circumstances and find a way to deal with the enormity of the situation, decide what they were to do.
Only that morning, she had been wondering who to raise this child with and here she was, in Ulf’s arms, assured of his support. It seemed too good to be true. And it was all down to one woman.
“I was angry at first, but Judith really did the right thing. I’m so happy I could kiss her,” she murmured, smiling to herself.
“I think you already have, many times.”
Heat flared inside her chest because she had done that, and more. So what was Ulf saying? Was he taking exception to what they had shared? Or was he worried she would rather raise this baby with her?
“You—”
“I don’t mind,” he soothed, reading her thoughts. “Your past is none of my concern. But I have to ask. Do you have feelings for her?”
The heat in her chest crept all the way to her cheeks. “Not in that way. She is dearer to me than I can express but I never saw her as a lover, someone I could spend my life with.”
Why was he asking? Was he jealous? Her heart missed a beat at the thought.
“I’m only asking because I spoke to her earlier, to thank her for having come to find me,” he said, as if he’d heard her questions.
He’d always had the ability to do that. In fact, it was one of the things she liked most about him.
As different as they were on the surface, deep down they understood one another.
“And I got the impression that she might think differently than you do.”
He looked uncomfortable to have to tell her that but she knew what he meant.
Of late, she had started to wonder if her friend had not started to develop feelings toward her, feelings she unfortunately didn’t return.
For Ylva, what had happened while they were slaves in Mildred’s house had never been more than a way of coping with their miserable life.
She had been certain it was the same for Judith and since they had been freed five months ago they had not shared a bed, or kissed once.
But there had been lingering looks, and moments of awkwardness, especially when they had discussed Ulf.
With the baby coming, and him back in her life, the issue would have to be addressed. Ylva could only hope that she would not hurt her friend when she told her that she could not return her feelings.
“I will speak to her.”
“She’s welcome to come to the village with us, you know,” Ulf said, making her wonder for the hundredth time how she had been so lucky as to cross paths with such a selfless, understanding man.
“Thank you, but I doubt she will want to. We left precipitously in the winter because she was uneasy with the idea that the people there knew what had happened to her. I think she likes living here for that reason. No one knows our past, no one knows that we were slaves or that she was raped.”
“I understand. I’ll leave you two to decide what’s best.”
“So this is it.”
Ylva swallowed. After so many years spent side by side, after so much suffering endured together, she was saying goodbye to Judith.
In more than twelve years they had rarely spent more than a day apart.
It felt odd, wrong even. But she had been unable to refuse Ulf’s request that she go back with him to the village.
It made sense, and in truth, she wanted to be with him at this time.
“This is it for now,” she said. “But I will be back when I have seen—”
“I hope you won’t. I hope you find a home in the Norsemen village with the father of your baby. Then everything will be as it should be.”
Was that what Ylva hoped? Was such a thing even possible? “I don’t…”
She stopped because she had no idea what she wanted to say. She could barely talk for emotion anyway. Her chest had gone unbearably tight. This parting was even more difficult than she had dreaded. Judith shook her head and gave a small smile.
“I’m glad we were freed when we were because, to be honest, I think I was falling in love with you, all the while knowing you would never return my feelings.
It wasn’t supposed to happen that way, and you didn’t do anything wrong.
It’s only that… Well, that without you, I would have died of despair in that hellhole and I loved those moments spent in your arms.” She lowered her gaze.
“If you must know, that was another reason why I went to get Ulf. I was hoping he would be the good man you told me he was, and he would take you away to be with you and your child before…before it was too late to save my heart.”
“Oh, Lord.” Ylva was appalled. She and Ulf had been right, her friend had developed feelings for her.
“It’s all right, I will survive. As I said, I knew from the start that there could be no future for us in that way. Only make sure the man treats you as you deserve, do you hear? Else I’ll have his balls.”
“I’m sure he will.”
The two women fell into one another’s arms, sobbing quietly.
Ulf joined them a moment later.
Judith straightened her back and stared squarely at him. “Take care of her, Norseman. Or else, I might well have to kill you again. You might not be so lucky the third time.”
He didn’t smile, didn’t tease, as he would have been justified in doing. Instead he placed a hand over his heart, the image of solemnity. “I will. I promise I will take care of her and our son or daughter.”
There was no doubting his sincerity and Judith nodded, satisfied. “Good.”
“Everything is ready,” Ulf told Ylva, placing a hand on the small of her back. “Come find me when you are.”
“I will tell you goodbye here,” Judith said when they were alone once more. “It’s better that way. Just promise me you’ll come visit sometime.”
“Of course. You, as well.” Would her friend be brave enough to go back to a place that held so many bad memories? Only time would tell.
“I will. Goodbye, Ylva. I love you.”
“Me too.” Because she did, if in a slightly different way.
After one last nod, Judith ran back inside.
Still wiping her eyes, Ylva went to the other side of the hut, where Ulf was waiting by his horse’s side. The sight of the chestnut gelding brought a smile to her face despite her anguish.
“Ratatoskr?”
“Yes.” Ulf’s smile was warm with appreciation. “Very good pronunciation. Have you been practicing?”
She had, she realized now, as if she’d known all along they would be reunited one day and she would need to be able to say the word properly. “You chose that name because his coat is the exact color of a squirrel’s fur, didn’t you?”
“Yes. That, and the fact that we have a tradition in the village of calling our horses after monsters and creatures. It was an obvious choice.”
“I see,” she said, placing a hand over her stomach. “Do you have any such traditions for babies?”
The look he threw her caused her breath to catch in her chest. “No, though I always fancied I would call my first son Einar, in honor of my father, who called me Ulf after my grandfather.”
Something like sunshine bloomed in Ylva’s chest. It was odd but wonderful to talk about the baby with Ulf, who had clearly already imagined himself as a father and was looking forward to the meeting.
Talking about it with Judith had been lovely, but different.
She had always worried she would never get to have a real family.
For an orphan who had then lost her brother, it had seemed important.
“I think calling him Einar is a wonderful idea. Of course, it could be a girl.” It could, but without knowing why, she had the feeling this child would be a boy.
“Yes. If it is, perhaps we could use your mother’s name?”
The comment was so unexpected that tears sprang to her eyes with dizzying speed. Ulf’s suggestion was lovely and it should have brought joy to her heart. Instead, it made her see how alone she truly was.
“I-I don’t remember what her name was. I have only vague memories of my parents.”
Ylva had always wondered if her lack of memory had been down to her young age at the time of their death or the fact that her mind had blocked everything from her past life when she had been taken by Mildred’s father, as some sort of protection.
Either way, she barely remembered them. Her brother, Oslac, who had lived with her and protected her for a few weeks after their death, was the only one she remembered with any sort of clarity.
Thinking of him was so painful that she sometimes wished she’d forgotten she had once had a brother.
This was such a horrid, dispiriting thought that her tears redoubled. Now that she was building a family, she measured how much she had lost, and how much this baby meant to her.
“Ah, sweet, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
With those words, Ulf drew her into his arms. She melted into his warmth, grateful for his unflinching support.
How right she had been to assure Judith he would treat her as she deserved.
He was already doing that, had done so from the moment they met.
The stranger she had tried to kill had allowed her a chance to explain her plight.
The warrior who fought for justice had freed her from her tormentor.
Now, the man who had given her a child was calling her “sweet” and holding her tenderly, he was talking of this baby as if he’d known it forever.
“Thank you,” she said once her tears had finally stopped. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“You’re with child, that’s what,” he said roundly, as if there was nothing more normal for her than to start sobbing in the middle of a conversation. “You’re allowed to cry all you want, for whatever reason you want.”
Really, he was a blessing. Ylva would have to thank his parents at some point for raising such a patient, understanding man and making him aware of what went on in women’s minds and bodies.
“Shall we?” she asked, determined to forget her sadness.
“Yes.” He nodded at her stomach. “Will you be all right with me on the horse? I can walk next to Ratatoskr if you prefer, and lead you.”
“I’m sure I will be fine.” She remembered how good it had felt to be close to him atop the moving animal and she wanted to experience that feeling again. “Let’s go.”
On to her new life.