CHAPTER THIRTY #2
She touched her beautiful dress for a moment and held the fabric between two of her fingers. She searched the stalls until her gaze landed on someone specific.
‘You! Oh, yeah. Get this. A producer wants me to be in one of their shows. Isn’t that nice?
It’s a show that gets a bunch of neurodivergent people, like me, together and films them going on dates with neurotypical people.
It has an insulting title. They’ll play infantilizing music whenever people like me are speaking.
They’ll encourage their neurotypical viewers to laugh at us, like we’re strange little pets.
People will praise grown women for having “golden retriever energy”, whatever the fuck that means.
It’s dehumanizing. It’s voyeuristic. It’s patronizing.
So, no apologies to you, Madam Producer, this is my answer: no.
Never. And if you think I will ever use my audience, my incredible followers, to boost a television show that makes fun of them, you are very mistaken. ’
Her body relaxed like a sigh as she said the words.
‘How am I supposed to go back to life before you? I used to breathe oxygen, now it’s just you. In and out of my lungs every single day.’
‘Even if I didn’t think your show was a modern freakshow designed to humiliate and bait goodhearted people, I couldn’t do it.
I’m in love with someone. Someone really infuriating but really fucking great.
God, he’s infuriating. Like, I’ve never met anyone who needs more of a reality check, and at the same time, he’s so fucking beautiful and I wouldn’t change his stupid, stubborn soul for anything.
And I’m not sorry. You need a fucking ramp, guys.
How can you give me this award and expect me to stand here and not think that’s ridiculous? ’
A bellow of agreement suddenly sounded from above. Raina looked up to the balcony. When she realized what she was seeing, she clapped a hand across her mouth.
The entire front row of the upper level of the hall was full of people she knew.
People she’d interviewed on her channel.
Subscribers she knew well. Her parents. The latter were the more reserved by far, but the rest were waving signs and hollering with such raucous joy, it was like they’d won, too.
‘Oh, my God,’ choked out Raina.
She searched for one face in particular. The person whose deep and loving words had become a balm.
But he wasn’t there.
‘Again, not sorry,’ she said into the microphone. She pointed to the balcony. ‘It’s just, I know all of those people.’
They cheered even louder.
She held the award up, so it caught the light. ‘So, thank you for this. It’s awesome. It’s going to look nice on my shelf. But my real reward is out there. Watching at home. Sitting in the stalls. And up in that balcony. Thank you to all of you. You know who you are.’
She turned to go, as applause filled the auditorium. Then . . .
‘And, Mondays, you should really have a ramp there next year. Cool. Stay uninspiring! And unapologetic! Peace!’
The rest of the ceremony was feverish. Strangers grabbing Raina to congratulate her, people thrusting business cards into her face.
Pepper steered them all out onto the Southbank, and Raina let the river air settle her.
Solana had found their parents. Their father in his suit, which was a little too big since he’d started morning walks.
Their mother all in white with her hair professionally blow-dried.
‘Well done, darling,’ her dad said blusteringly, patting her on the arm. The closest thing he could muster to a hug.
‘Thank you,’ Raina said. ‘Thank you for coming. I didn’t know you were going to. I would have got you sitting with us.’
‘Thought it would be a nice surprise,’ her dad replied.
‘It was.’
‘Lots of enthusiastic fans around us,’ Meggie said with an uneven laugh. ‘Some very . . . interesting characters.’
‘Yeah, that was a nice surprise, too,’ Raina agreed.
She watched her mother as she fidgeted and glanced around at the crowds spilling out along the riverbank. They all stood together. Awkwardly.
‘Your dress is a little too flamboyant, I thought,’ Meggie finally said.
Pepper made an almost inaudible hissing sound and Solana exhaled. Raina’s father glanced nervously between wife and daughter, as he’d done for almost thirty years. Raina smiled tightly.
‘You could just say “well done”, Mum,’ she said gently. ‘Or something to that effect. That would be a nice thing to do.’
Meggie’s face opened up in surprise, as if such a thing had never occurred to her. ‘Oh. Well . . . all right.’
‘Shall we take a picture?’ Pepper asked loudly, cutting through the rawness.
‘Yes,’ Raina said brightly. ‘Let’s.’
She posed happily with her parents and sister, holding up the award and beaming into the camera lens, wanting it to be a good memory. She felt not only free of the mask, but free of so many doubts and denials she’d been dragging around with her for years.
‘That’s lovely,’ remarked Pepper, swiping through the pictures she’d taken of them all. ‘I’ll email you all.’
‘Thank you,’ Raina’s dad said warmly.
‘We have to get to Paddington for our train,’ Meggie said.
Raina nodded. ‘Do you want me to take you?’
‘It’s all right, we’ll take the Bakerloo line from Waterloo.’
‘All right.’
The five of them stood in silence. A little pentagon of unspoken feelings.
‘Thank you again for coming,’ Raina finally said.
‘We wouldn’t have missed it,’ her father bumbled. ‘Shall we head, Megs?’
Raina could feel her mother trying to formulate something. She was about to say goodbye when the words finally came.
‘Your hair looked really lovely tonight.’
Raina smiled. A wide, generous and absolvatory smile. ‘Thank you, Mum.’
She and Solana said goodbye to their parents and saw them to Waterloo Station. Just as they began to disappear down the escalator, Raina called out one last thank you.
‘Thank the man for us,’ her father called back.
Raina frowned. ‘Sorry, Dad? What man?’
‘The tickets! Thank the man who bought us the tickets!’
Raina couldn’t make sense of the words, and his face had already disappeared down into the lower station. She shook her head and turned around, heading back towards her sister and Pepper. They’d picked up a few bits from Marks and Spencer and were beaming at her.
‘Right!’ Pepper said. ‘Back to Barnes for some celebrations!’
There were loved ones waiting at the house for them.
Matt, looking more clean-shaven and very proud of her.
Nick was absent, for once. Marc and Anita from the White Horse and Deedee from the marathon.
They all applauded as Raina walked up the street, Pepper and Solana holding her dress so it wouldn’t drag along the pavement.
Though Raina was worn out, seeing them all gathered on her doorstep was a beautiful postscript to the night.
I wish he was here. I want my grumpy Scotsman with his stubble and his big hands and his bigger heart.
‘Inside, all,’ Pepper instructed, tossing the house keys to Marc. ‘We won!’
Everyone gathered in the kitchen, pouring drinks and divvying out bowls of snacks. Raina watched it happen, still in her ballgown, and she felt a flicker of peace. She smiled at Matt and realized that the sight of her ex filled her with bland, lukewarm recognition.
She knew she would never feel that way about Tom. She would never be indifferent to him.
‘Hey, Pep,’ she murmured, while people chattered loudly.
‘Yeah?’
‘I love this house. But I’m going to move on.’
Pepper turned to stare at her, flabbergasted. ‘What?’
‘It’s time. I’ve been saving. I’ll put down a deposit on a place. My own place. I can’t keep living here. Can’t have you as my landlady. Time to move on.’
Pepper stared at her and then gushed out a laugh. ‘You do have your own special brand of timing, Raina Lewis!’
Raina smiled lovingly. ‘Is that okay?’
‘Of course it is. If you’ll let me help you find somewhere.’
‘That I can do.’
‘A toast!’ Marc said, raising his glass and gesturing for others to follow. ‘The queen. The trailblazer. The ever uninspiring, unapologetic Raina.’
Raina snorted while everyone hip-hipped and clinked glasses. She smiled at each of them before sipping her pink lemonade.
‘I also need to issue an apology,’ Pepper said grudgingly. ‘To you, Matt. Sorry. For . . . you know.’
Matt Fletcher looked as surprised as Raina felt by that admission. He graciously accepted.
‘To be fair,’ Raina said blithely, ‘it doesn’t quite compare with what happened at Pepper’s birthday bash.’
‘Oh, my God, tell,’ Deedee burst out.
‘Let’s not. It was traumatic,’ Solana groaned. ‘Ottie Langham made Pepper’s tirade against Matt look like an after-school special.’
‘Yeah, she was on fine form,’ Pepper said harshly.
‘What happened?’ asked Marc.
Raina contemplated moving the conversation along, but then stopped. She needed to say his name. All evening, she’d felt his absence. ‘Tom’s friend, Ottie, told me he’s been writing a piece about me. Then it all kicked off.’
‘No way!’ Deedee exclaimed. ‘Not the guy from marathon day?’
‘The very same.’
‘But he seemed so . . .’
‘Besotted? He is.’
Raina snapped around to look at Solana, who’d spoken. ‘Sol!’
‘Well, he is!’ her sister said. ‘Raina . . . my beautiful big sister. Look at your feet.’
Raina did, a little numbly. ‘What?’
Pepper and Solana exchanged a look, a silent conversation passing between them.
‘I didn’t buy those shoes,’ Pepper finally admitted. ‘He did.’
‘And all of those people, including Mum and Dad . . . Everyone in the balcony. Who do you think got their tickets?’
Raina frowned, looking to Deedee, who nodded a little shamefacedly. ‘He got them weeks ago, Rai.’
‘What’s this guy’s name again?’ asked Marc, getting his phone out of his jacket pocket.
‘Tom,’ Raina breathed, still staring down at her feet. ‘Tom Branimir.’
‘He brought everyone out to support you,’ Matt said quietly. ‘That’s pretty decent.’
‘He . . . is,’ Raina heard herself acknowledge. ‘He is pretty decent.’
‘Holy fuck,’ Marc said quietly, staring at his phone screen.
‘What?’ Raina asked, as Deedee and Matt leaned over to see what the bartender was reading on his device.
Marc held up the phone. ‘I searched his name and this article came up. Just published. Literally. Like, seven minutes ago.’
Pepper swore and Solana moaned. Raina leapt to her feet, pressing back against the kitchen wall as if she’d been burned. ‘No. He . . . he wouldn’t. Is it bad? Don’t tell me. What’s the headline? No, don’t tell me.’
Solana was searching the same thing on her mobile, scrolling fiercely and breathing heavily. Raina could tell the moment she found what she was looking for, as a stillness took over her entire body. A hand trembled and rose to her lips as her eyes scanned the screen.
‘How bad?’ begged Raina, her voice barely a whisper. ‘How bad is it, Sol?’
‘Oh, Rai,’ Solana sighed, her voice full of emotion. ‘Let me read it to you?’
Raina shook her head, feeling the wall behind her in an attempt to stay stable. ‘No, I can’t.’
‘Raina,’ Pepper said softly, having taken Marc’s phone from his hands. She was reading it, too. ‘Read it.’
She handed over the phone.
Raina hesitated. Then took it.