Chapter Nine
MATO
THE QUARTER-MILE driveway to the ranch from the main road is covered in leaves. Right now, across the hills, the trees are painting the landscape in shades of orange, red, and yellow, but pretty soon, they will all be completely bare of leaves.
I can still hear my dad’s voice in my head telling me we need to rake the leaves around the main house, cabin, and the stables. If there was any job I hated, it was raking leaves. What I hated second was burning them.
My dad loved the fall, he said it was his favorite season. We spent many nights in the fall months outside the cabin around the fire pit he built onto the side of the cabin. Some of my best memories of my dad are around that fire pit, and I wonder if it’s still there.
I used to like the fall second after spring, but, over time, it just reminded me of the time of year when my heart was broke, and I had to force myself to put the phone down every day when I would pick it up to call Breanna. I learned to hate the fall.
The house comes into view, and there are at least five big trucks or SUVs parked in the circle drive in front. I don’t see Breanna’s big red diesel truck, and my heart sinks.
I’ve got time. I’ll keep coming back.
When I left last week, after I followed her to the stables, Tucker stopped me when I was leaving and asked me what was going on. Why did she seem upset, and why did I follow her?
I was vague and told him she was mad at me when I left before. He tried to push, but I told him he would have to ask her, as it wasn’t for me to tell. He accepted it, but I could tell he wasn’t happy with me.
As I step onto the big wrap-around porch, I can hear voices and laughter through the ornate screen door, and I knock on the wooden edge, but I don’t think they can hear me over all the talking.
Just as I’m about to knock again, Kinley appears on the stairs, her belly as big as Marley’s, if not bigger, and her eyes lock on mine. I smile, but her face goes pale as she looks down the hall toward the kitchen and dining room to see if anyone else sees me.
Her hand is on her back as she waddles to the door and pulls it closed behind her as she pushes the screen open.
I don’t even see it coming, don’t expect it.
As soon as the door shuts, she turns and connects her palm to my face - hard.
The loud crack fills the space on the porch, and my eyes go wide with shock as the little woman in front of me breathes through her nose like a bull getting ready to charge.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Her hands are curled into fists at her sides, her chin lifted.
Rubbing my fingers across my jaw, I say, “Mr. Harlow asked me to dinner…”
She cuts me off, shaking her head. “No. Why are you back in Oklahoma? And why now?”
My cheek is stinging, and her attitude is pissing me off. Kinley was always an ‘act first, think later’ kind of girl. Cupping my jaw, I tell myself I’m not going to let her get a rise out of me. “I live here. You want to tell me what I did to piss you off?”
Especially since I haven’t seen her in ten years.
Her eyebrows climb up her forehead, and her head jerks back. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
The only reason I haven’t told her to fuck off and walked away is because Kinley is one of the few people in this world I think of as family.
Hanging my hands on my hips, I roll my head, stretching my neck as I take a breath.
“No, Kinley, I’m not fucking kidding you right now.
But it would be great if you would tell me what the fuck is going on. ”
“What else would it be about if it weren’t about Breanna? I can’t believe you have the nerve to come back here and stir up all the shit you left behind when you slithered out of town in the middle of the night.”
How did she know about me and Breanna? We always tried to keep our relationship under wraps.
So many questions sprout from that comment, and I’m not sure which one to start with.
Holding my hand up in front of her, I say.
“Stop. I did not slither out of town, I am not a damn snake.” I nod my head when she starts to interrupt, and hold my hand up again.
“Yes, it was a chickenshit move, I’ll admit that, but that is not the same as being a snake. ”
Stepping close to me again, she jabs her finger into my chest. “You can try to minimize it all you want, but you have no idea the magnitude of the giant shitstorm you left in your chickenshit wake.”
My heart skips a beat, and a coolness grips my spine as I stare at her in confusion. “Hold up. What are you talking about? What happened after I left?”
She presses her lips together in a thin, hard line as her angry eyes volley between mine, as if she’s deciding what she wants to tell me. Each short, choppy breath she takes makes my heart beat faster. “Mato, Breanna was pregnant when you left.”
The world tilts, and I reach out to palm the wall to steady myself as the hair on the back of my neck stands up.
Fuck!
No!
That would explain the extra hostility and the hatred in her eyes. She’s been raising our child by herself.
But that can’t be right, everyone besides Breanna and Kinley welcomed me with open arms. If Breanna’s brothers knew I walked out on her when she was pregnant, I would not be standing here. I would not be standing at all.
My chest is so tight it’s hard to breathe, and I rub my fist over my sternum to ease it. “Pregnant?”
She doesn’t say anything since I wasn’t really asking her to repeat herself, but I wonder if she can see every fucking emotion turning me inside out right now. I shake my head as the tsunami finally settles enough to let me have a rational thought.
She didn’t have a child with her when I saw her last week. Did she abort it? Give it up for adoption? Either way, whatever she did, she was forced to do alone because I left her.
“What happened?”
The angry lines around her eyes soften, and she takes a step back. “She lost the baby around the ten-week mark. She was devastated.”
No wonder she hates me.
Our eyes are locked as I cup my jaw and rub my palm down my mouth. “Did she know when I left?”
She stares at me before she shakes her head. “No, she found out a couple of weeks after.”
That day in the paddock, when she asked me if I thought I just walked away from her, I thought she was speaking rhetorically about our relationship. She was talking about a baby.
Some of the anger hardens Kinley’s face again. “She waited for you to call her every fucking day, like-you-said-you-would.” The tip of her finger jabs into my chest with each word. “She was miserable and alone, with morning sickness all day. You broke her fucking heart, you piece of shit.”
My heart is in my stomach, and beads of sweat dot my forehead. I deserve every insult she throws at me.
But Kinley’s not done. God, I wish she were.
Her hands go to her hips behind her massive stomach, and her weight transfers to one leg as she stares up at me.
“She almost flunked out of college because she was so depressed, she lost the one little piece of you she had left,” she holds her finger and thumb together in front of her face, “and the emotions almost pulled her under.” Her eyes fill with tears, and her intake of breath is shaky.
“I practically lived in that dorm with her that semester, pushing her to go to class, holding her as she cried.”
The guilt and regret are crushing my chest, making drawing a breath difficult, as I imagine the pain she must have gone through. All while waiting for my call.
Not really defending myself, more like thinking out loud, my focus is on the ground at my feet. “I was trying to help. She was going to tell her father she wasn’t going to school because she wanted to stay here with me.”
“You told her you would call her.” Clenching her jaw, she talks through her teeth. “You lied.”
She stops and turns her back to me, taking a few steps away. There’s no way to fix this. Breanna will never trust me again, she already said as much. I’ll never be able to make this up to her.
Spinning on her heel, Kinley closes the space between us, pointing her finger at me.
“You leave her alone, you hear me? When she could finally take a breath without thinking of you, she made me promise to never say your name again, and I’ve kept that promise.
” Her eyes narrow to slits. “So help me God, I will make you disappear and help them look for your body before I let you hurt my sister again.”
The door swings open and a man I’ve never seen before is on the other side of the screen door. His dark eyes swing between me and Kinley, and he pushes the screen open and stands next to her, his arm around her back, eyes narrowed on me.
“Can I help you?” His voice is commanding, and I automatically peg him as military or police.
Kinley clears her throat and pushes a lock of blond hair behind her ear. “Rhys, this is Mato.”
The hard lines on his face fall away in recognition, and he looks between us again. “What’s going on? Why do you look like a cornered cat?”
She shakes her head and waves her hand in the air in front of her face. “It’s nothing. I’ll tell you later.”
They stare at each other for the span of a few heartbeats; his eyes move over her face like he’s trying to read her.
Yep, law enforcement. She looks back at him, the picture of innocence.
He relents and nods his head before he leads her back into the house with me in tow, feeling like I’m sleepwalking.
I’ve never seen the house so full. There are kids running around everywhere, and once I get to the kitchen, it’s practically standing room only.
“Mato!” Mason yells, and everyone looks in my direction.
For the next ten minutes, I’m introduced to Gray’s wife, Elly, and Marley’s husband, Jax, who has a different color of fingernail polish on each finger. Tucker’s girlfriend is shy but sweet. And Mason officially introduces me to Kinley’s husband, Rhys. I was right; he’s FBI.
With each introduction, fast-moving kids are pointed out that go with each couple. I’ll never remember all the names; there are too many. The family has changed so much that it’s not even like the same house.
And I’m numb. I only half-hear what they are saying.
I left her here to deal with everything on her own.
A lump forms in my throat as I think about the child I never even knew about. My child. How can I feel grief over something I never knew about or saw?
The buzz of conversations around me sounds like they are underwater because of my rapid heartbeat, and I’m only half paying attention to everything around me.
I had no idea.
I let her down so bad that she’ll never forgive me.
Fuck!
The screen door slams, and we all turn as Breanna walks into the kitchen. Her eyes skate over the room until she finds me. After seeing my truck out front, she already knew I was here, and she doesn’t look happy about it.
Her long, blond curls are pulled back into a braid that falls down her back, but some curls around her face have escaped.
Some are standing up around her face, but the longer ones are pushed behind her ears.
She almost looks like the same girl who used to help me clean the stables and would ride the trails with me, only grown up.
She’s so fucking beautiful.
Her gray, long-sleeved t-shirt with “Harlow’s Haven - Veterinary Hospital” embroidered on the upper left breast has blood and fluids soaked into the fabric around her sleeve and right shoulder and some on the cuff of her left hand, there is also dirt and blood on the knees of her jeans.
I immediately wonder what’s happened and if she’s okay.
A protectiveness I’ve never felt before stretches every muscle in my body. She is the mother of my child.
She’s always been it for me. From the day I left, she was always in my thoughts and in my heart. She’s mine to protect and love. I just have to figure out how to get her trust and love back.
Mr. Harlow walks to her with a chuckle and leans over to kiss her on the cheek. “Hey, honey. What happened to you? You look like you butchered something.”
Her eyes flick to her father, and she smiles.
A genuine, beautiful smile that takes my breath away, and kisses him back.
“Hi, Daddy. No, no butchering.” She laughs, and it’s music to my ears.
“Heifer’s first calving, the head got turned, I had to help her out.
I’m going to change into some clean clothes. ”
I watch her small body turn and leave the room.
One thought keeps spinning in my head: that little woman was carrying my child, I’ll bet she was the prettiest pregnant woman anyone’s ever seen.
The biggest wave of regret I’ve ever felt slams into me, almost knocking me over, and I lean on the back of a chair next to me to keep my knees from buckling.
Kinley is watching both of us like a hawk, and when our eyes meet, she glares at me. Kinley always ran hot, but if she still hates me after ten years, it must have been horrible. I can’t even imagine what Breanna went through.
If I spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her, it still won’t be enough.